by Karin Baine
‘I think we should leave you to discuss family matters in private. Amy, it’s bedtime.’ Seth tossed his linen napkin on the table and pushed back his chair, desperate to escape the room and this conversation.
‘I’m not tired, Daddy.’ Amy folded her arms across her chest and pouted in an uncharacteristic bout of petulance at the worst possible time.
‘It’s getting late and I’ve had a very trying day. Let’s go, Amy.’ He was pleading with her in his head not to cause an even greater scene when he was already at breaking point. It wasn’t his temper he was worried about losing, rather control of his fragile emotions. In the space of a few minutes his dreams of becoming a family with Kaja had been shattered, only to be faced with returning to his lonely life back in England. And he had no idea why.
Thankfully his daughter gave up on her sit-in and climbed down off her chair. ‘Night, night, everybody.’
‘Night, sweetheart.’ Seth had to wait not so patiently while Kaja came to give her a hug, closely followed by Fatima.
He managed an abrupt, ‘Goodnight,’ before taking his daughter by the hand and leading her away from the family they’d both begun to feel a part of. Returning home was going to break both of their hearts.
* * *
There was no way he was sleeping until he confronted Kaja about her comments tonight. Once Amy had brushed her teeth and settled into bed he crept out onto the landing separating their apartments from Kaja’s. He made sure to leave the doors open in case she stirred while he was waiting for answers.
When Kaja appeared he was sure he saw her take a deep breath as she met him at the top of the stairs.
‘Do you mind telling me what that was all about down there?’ He practically spat the words at her.
‘I told you I’m going back into medicine permanently.’
‘But you’re staying here?’
‘Where else would I work? This is my country. My family are here.’
‘What about Amy and me? I thought we meant something to you.’
‘You’ll always have a special place in my heart, Seth. Amy too. But I’ve had some time to think and I want to focus on me and my career. I can’t do that if I’m playing house with you and your daughter.’ She was so calm and cool as she devastated him Seth thought it was worse than having her simply disappear from his life, seeing first-hand of how little significance he was to her.
‘What’s changed in the space of a few hours? Earlier we were making plans to get together again, then you dump me halfway through dinner. It doesn’t make any sense.’
‘We want different things. I heard you talking to Bruno, telling him your plans to get married and have more children. That’s not going to happen with me.’
‘That’s what all of this is about? A snatched bit of small talk between me and your brother?’ He wanted to laugh at the absurdity of it. ‘In an ideal world, yes, I’d like to settle down again. That’s not so bad, is it?’
He moved towards her, wanted to hold her again so she could remember how it felt to be wrapped up in each other’s arms and forget everything else.
Kaja stepped back, reluctant to let him touch her. ‘What if I told you I can’t have children, Seth? I can’t give you that family you want. Would you still want to be with me?’
That bombshell rendered him speechless. It was such a huge thing for her to have kept from him all this time and he was trying to process what that meant for them. He’d pictured building on their family but now he had to adjust to the idea of a future without further children.
Unfortunately, Kaja took his pause as he processed this news as the rejection she’d been expecting.
‘I’ll take that as a no. Just as I thought.’
‘That’s not what—’
She rejected his attempt to placate her with a wave of her hand. ‘Forget it, Seth. I’ve made up my mind.’
‘And what? That’s the end of it? No discussion?’
‘Exactly. What’s the point of pretending there’s a future for us? My career is all I’m interested in now. It’s the only thing I have going for me.’
‘What am I supposed to do? Forget anything ever happened between us and carry on living here and treating your father?’ It had been hard enough to do that first time around but now, with such new and erotic memories of their time together, it would be impossible. Not to mention painful, with the knowledge she wasn’t going to fight for them this time either. It seemed Kaja was ready to walk away every time they faced an obstacle and that wasn’t a stable foundation for any relationship. Perhaps she was right after all. This was never going to work between them.
‘I wouldn’t expect you to do that. That’s why I think you and Amy should go home. You were flown in to do the transplant and you managed that successfully. We have a team of surgeons and consultants who can oversee the rest of his recovery. If there are any complications they can’t handle I’m sure they’ll be in touch.’
‘You have it all figured out, don’t you?’ He wondered if this was the royal equivalent of ordering a taxi for a regrettable one-night stand the morning after. She couldn’t wait to get rid of all traces of him.
‘I don’t see the point in dragging things out.’
‘Thanks for being so honest with me. It makes a change.’ He was lashing out now, wishing to cause her some of the pain she was currently causing him, but she didn’t flinch. Only one day returned to her world and that cool princess was well and truly back in charge. When she offered no defence against his jibe he knew the battle was lost. She didn’t even feel strongly enough to argue with him any more. He walked away defeated, knowing he wasn’t wanted enough for anyone to fight to have him in their lives.
* * *
Kaja opened her bedroom curtains, the morning sunshine unreflective of her current disposition. She’d slept later than she’d intended. Mainly because it had taken her so long to get to sleep, her guilty conscience replaying her harsh words and the image of Seth’s crestfallen face on a loop in her head. She knew she’d hurt him. Again. This time, she told herself, it was for his benefit, not hers. It was completely different.
Five years ago she’d run from their relationship, realising she couldn’t make a lifelong commitment to him when she wasn’t being true to herself. Now, she was saving him from doing the same. It didn’t make her feel any better. He wanted to be with someone who could give him a family and he could pretend otherwise to be with her but they both knew it was the truth. Her body had failed her and the man she loved.
Unwilling to face anyone this morning, she made the decision to go straight to the hospital and assist where she could once she washed and dressed. There’d be time later for her to deal with her brother’s questions, Fatima mourning the inevitable loss of her young companion and, worst of all, being faced with Seth’s look of betrayal. Unfortunately, the pain in her own heart couldn’t be avoided so easily. The best she could do was try and work through it.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
‘I’M GOING TO take a break and go and check on my father.’
‘No problem. It’s quietened down a bit for now. Thanks for your help. You’ve really gone above and beyond over these past few days.’ Cecilia, the woman who’d been co-ordinating all available staff in the emergency department, threw her arms around Kaja and hugged her. It was unexpected on a number of different levels. Kaja hadn’t been working here to garner praise of any kind, but she had enjoyed being seen as part of the team rather than simply for novelty value. Cecilia was hugging her as a colleague, perhaps even a friend, without thought to her royal status.
The simple gift of a hug had her too choked up to bat away the compliment or offer any response. Instead she gave her a squeeze back and walked away before she made a fool of herself bawling in the middle of the corridor. Of course, when she came to her father’s hospital room she had to erase all traces of that vulnerability. If she
was asserting her right to work and step back from her royal duties it was necessary to show confidence in what she was doing.
‘Kaja.’ Her father struggled to sit up when she came in through the door.
‘There’s no need to strain yourself, Papa. I just wanted to see how you were today.’ She walked over and kissed him before helping him into a more comfortable position. He had more colour in his cheeks today and appeared brighter than he had in months.
‘Sore, but I’ll live and that’s the main thing.’
‘Yes, it is.’ It seemed he’d inherited her brother’s dark sense of humour along with his kidney, but that wasn’t altogether a bad thing. If he’d stopped taking everything so seriously it might make it easier for her to discuss her plans for the future without the dramatics she’d been expecting.
She pulled a chair over so she could sit by the side of his bed and took his hand in hers.
‘Papa, I’ve been thinking a lot about my life and I’m not happy with where I am right now. Some things have happened while you’ve been in here, which have made me reassess what I’m doing and what sort of legacy I’m leaving behind.’ She mightn’t be able to secure the royal line with children of her own, but she could make a difference by saving lives.
‘It’s about time.’
It certainly wasn’t the response she’d anticipated. ‘Pardon me?’
Her father rested his other hand on top of hers. ‘Kaja, you haven’t been happy since you came home from England. I had hoped marriage would give you something to focus on rather than whatever it was you’d left behind. I wanted you to have the love and happiness your mother and I shared. I’m sorry that didn’t happen with Benedikt. What he did to you was unforgivable. I’ve been waiting so very long for you to find something to make you smile again.’
If she didn’t have so many questions Kaja might have been stunned into silence. ‘You don’t mind if I go back into medicine full time? What about all your talk about family traditions and keeping up appearances?’
‘All I ever wanted was for you to be happy, my darling. Without your royal duties these past five years I was worried you wouldn’t leave the house at all, you were so miserable.’
‘You never said any of this before. I thought I was a disappointment.’
‘Never. I know I may not have been the best father over the years, consumed by my responsibilities elsewhere, but I was always proud of you.’
‘Why didn’t you reach out to me when I was in England?’
‘Your mother thought we should give you space and you’d come back to us when you were ready. You did. We both just wanted the best for you. Then you met Benedikt and I thought you were focusing on the future.’
‘I tried, but apparently I never did get over my past,’ she muttered more to herself than for her father’s ears. She’d never loved anyone but Seth and in hindsight it must’ve been obvious to her ex that she was on the rebound and not fully committed to their marriage. Looking back now, she couldn’t completely blame him for seeking affection elsewhere. He could’ve discussed it with her, of course, rather than humiliating her with his affair, but they’d been doomed from the start when she was still in love with another man.
‘You seemed to over these past few days.’
She wasn’t entirely sure what he meant by that when he didn’t know a fraction of what had been going on outside this room, but he was right. With Seth back in her life she had been able to put a lot of their bad history behind her. Mainly because he’d forgiven her, but also because she was happier simply having him around. Both of which were moot points now that she’d hurt him all over again and told him she didn’t want him in her life.
‘Are you telling me that all the decisions I’ve made have been based on my own paranoia?’
‘I can’t say that. I don’t know what goes on in your head but please understand I don’t want anything to stop you living your best life. Do what makes you happy, not what you think other people want you to do.’
She thought back to last night’s painful conversation with Seth. He’d been quiet when she’d told him she couldn’t have children but, instead of letting him digest the news, she’d jumped to the conclusion he wouldn’t want to be with her. The same way she’d assumed her father would prefer to have her as some kind of waving automaton rather than a contributing member of society without ever talking it over. She hadn’t let Seth answer or discussed any option other than splitting up. She really was her own worst enemy. It was Seth who made her happy and she was only punishing herself by pushing him away.
‘I’ve been so stupid. I told Seth we didn’t need him here any more.’
‘I know; he told me when he visited with Amy.’
‘When?’ An overwhelming sense of dread crept through her. The house had been awfully quiet this morning and Seth would never have brought Amy to work with him.
‘On his way to the airport. He said there was no point in him staying any longer when I was doing so well and I’m in the hands of the best team. I don’t think he wanted to disrupt his daughter’s life any more than was necessary.’
Kaja barely heard what he was saying beyond that first revelation. ‘He’s gone?’
She might have said the words prompting that departure, told everyone including herself it was for the best, but being faced with the possibility that she would never see him again was too much. To her horror she burst into a flood of tears. That careful composure that had weathered all storms until recently slipped again. She wasn’t wearing her heart on her sleeve, it was tripping down her face and splashing onto the floor.
‘I thought that was what you wanted?’ Her father arched an eyebrow at her, questioning her tears but with a hint that he knew the answer already.
‘No. I want him to stay.’
‘I could see it in his eyes that’s what he wanted as well. If you’re quick you might be able to catch him at the airport. If that’s what you want?’
That was the million-dollar question. This was her decision and if she made the wrong choice she couldn’t blame anyone else this time. She’d have to live with the consequences of what she did next for the rest of her life.
* * *
‘Thanks for being our chauffeur, Fatima.’ Seth hugged her before opening the boot of the car to retrieve the bags. He hadn’t wanted the hassle of getting the limo and he had a hunch Fatima’s offer to take them in her jalopy was so she could spend as much time as possible with Amy before they left.
‘It was my pleasure. I wish you were staying.’ Tears welled in her eyes and he prayed she wouldn’t start crying in earnest or she’d set Amy off, and him. Neither of them really wanted to leave but Kaja wanted him gone and there wasn’t anything he could do to change her mind.
He shouldn’t have to. If she felt the same way about him as he did about her she would never have said the things she did. He wasn’t going to hang around and prolong the agony. Leaving this way, without any fuss or dramatic showdown, left him a smidgen of dignity. He was even beginning to see why she’d walked out on him without a word five years ago. It wasn’t payback, he just didn’t think he could face her without giving her a good shake or breaking down in front of her.
‘We have to get home.’ He went to open the car door to help Amy out but Fatima grabbed his arm.
‘Miss Kaja has always been afraid to do what’s in her heart in case it’s the wrong thing. As a little girl she had a lot of pressure put upon her. Don’t give up on her.’
‘She’s a grown woman now and for my sake, and Amy’s, I can’t do this any more. How did you know about us anyway?’ They thought they’d been so careful not to let anyone know they’d ever been romantically involved, never mind that they’d rekindled their affair. It was part of the reason he was leaving so soon after being rejected. If he stayed it would become obvious to everyone how much his heart was breaking at not being able t
o be with her.
Fatima shrugged. ‘I have known her for a very long time. She can tell me so much without saying a word. I saw the same look on her face when she came back from England as I did last night before she went to bed. I may be old but I’m not stupid, or blind. If you didn’t love each other it wouldn’t hurt you both so much.’
‘There’s nothing I can do about it now. We’ve made our minds up.’ He opened the door and unstrapped Amy from the car seat, knowing they wouldn’t carry on this conversation with her around. Fatima could call him a coward if she wished but he had more than just himself to protect this time around.
‘Can’t we stay a little longer, Daddy? Please?’ Amy’s quivering lip and big, pleading brown eyes almost made him agree to anything rather than hurt her, but he knew she’d be fine once they got home and she was back in her old routine.
‘You can phone Fatima any time you want to hear her voice.’
Fatima nodded through her watery smile.
‘You have my number and you’re welcome to visit us in Cambridge any time.’ It was unlikely this loyal mother figure would ever desert her post at the palace but he thought he should at least offer, as she and Amy had grown so close. In other circumstances he would’ve cultivated that bond, when they seemed to draw so much comfort from each other’s company, but as things stood it was impossible.
‘I won’t come in with you. I’ll say my goodbyes here.’ She leaned down and hugged Amy as though she never wanted to let go. When she finally did, Seth saw her wipe away the tears before Amy noticed. ‘Now, you be a good girl for your papa and I’ll talk to you soon.’
‘Thank you for everything, Fatima.’ He kissed her on both cheeks, then led Amy towards the airport building, dragging their suitcase, and his heart, behind them.
* * *