This Love Could Not Be Delivered

by Lu Min

  Once her mother had left, the home once again was for the two of them, two confidants, two iron matchsticks…

  Playing with the worthless chain of small pearls her mother gave her, Si Jia stealthily observed her stepfather's facial expression, proudly and willfully. Her stepfather kept briskly hiding his face, intentionally waiting for Si Jia wasn't looking before he'd secretly steal glances at her. However Si Jia, too was waiting for the right moment to look over again at him-with their glances flashing back and forth in the room, it was as if there were layers and layers of spiderwebs, like silkworms spinning their own cocoons, spinning ever tighter.

  Si Jia could tell his strategy of avoidance to keep the peace had to fail eventually and break down into tearful eyes. She thought that even if everyone else couldn't understand, her stepfather would. Everything she did, why she did it all…there were certain phrases that Si Jia masterfully expressed as sleeptalk, repeating herself in the night: it's already done, it's already done, we can get along well now…You know I like you, and I know that you like me, too. It's already done, so anyway we want to be is fine now…

  In spite of the fact that the stepfather wasn't deaf or blind, he acted just like he was completely deaf and blind as a bat. It couldn't be said he was cowardly or incompetent, it was just that he was scared out of his wits! How could he possess anyone of eighteen year-old Si Jia's presence or energy?! The way Si Jia was playing it, there was no adult male who could go along with her. He was completely unable to touch Si Jia and couldn't even look at her anymore. She was like a highly flammable and explosive hazardous material that with any misstep would shatter his name and reputation, hence making it difficult for him to permit her to rest any further on his battlefield…That "strictly punished" boy-was he not used as an example to others? That's right. After Si Jia came home she didn't describe the details of the story, but according to what the stepfather knew about Si Jia, Si Jia must have been the one who initiated the incident. This cuddly, touch-feely fox…this loose woman that should be butchered up and sold for meat-what kind of insane idea has she got in her head? Stay away from her at all costs…even if someone has eaten from this dish, it's poisonous and one bite will send you to the floor!

  The stepfather wiped his face, wiping a ball of dough until it turned to old bark. He became incomparably daft and incomparably busy, ignoring every and all of Si Jia's advances. Not only that, but he was completely retracted, putting an end to all previous touching and becoming utterly insulated, including not combing her hair or roughhousing-or that exciting "find the muscle" game…He still cooked for Si Jia, listened to her and withstood her tantrums just as before, but in his mind that wall of chainlink fence had just become a mighty front line and great wall of steel. With that wicked vibration from Si Jia, no one or nothing could ever break through again.

  Go Find That Student!

  [1]

  It made Lu Zhongsheng profoundly depsondent that Lan Ying wouldn't let him into his son's room, because he could find no other way to delve into the mystery than by looking through the things his son left behind. Without knowing what really happened that night, how could he find the energy to live?! How could he get through all the slow days ahead?!

  Fortunately about a month earlier he'd had a flash of inspiration as if it were mercy brought down from Heaven which guided him out of a dead end. Aside from my son, he thought, shouldn’t there be someone else who'd know what really happened? That "victim"-wouldn't she know? Why not go ask her what…happened between them…

  Lu Zhongsheng's feelings toward her were complex. Sometimes out on the busy streets he'd see the forms of high school girls which reminded him of her and instigated an intense ire-even if she were a victim, he'd still want to hurl curses and insults at her! Why? Didn't you know you were going to a dance party? Would good parents let their daughter participate in a private dance together with college boys? This dance of yours got someone killed!

  But collecting himself and thinking about it, his ire was irrational. She was a full-grown lady, and he was lucky she didn't come to his door demanding reparations for lost virginity! But that highschool student-where in the world was she? In what way could he search for her? No one had ever told him, and naturally the newspapers shrouded all of her information in anonymity. Sure, even if he found her, she could never agree to meet him, she could lie to him, or spit all over his face. On the other hand, concerning Lu Zhongsheng himself, would he keep his cool if he saw her? Could the two of them have an exchange, a conversation?

  Lu Zhongsheng had absolutely no grasp of these issues, but she was, after all, a living human being in flesh and blood-what was there to stop them from talking? She'd be a lot braver than Danqing (who had kept a stone-like silence) .

  And so it was. Lu Zhongsheng emerged from out of his son's room as if climbing up out of a deep well on a rope. Go find that student.

  Lu Zhongsheng started trying to remember…that day at the police station, when he was like the walking dead and an army-type official took off his service cap and put it on the table, lighting a cigarette and smiling at him in a half professional, half hardened and soured manner. He said, Hey, your son is talented-that girl was a senior in high school!

  That's right. He only knew that much: a senior in high school-that sole characteristic. But he could go looking for that army-type official, couldn't he? Obviously he'd know who she was-he might even know her name and what school she went to…Heaven has pity on him XXX-why didn't he tell him in the first place?! It was as if in the heat of the moment all important factors changed into trivialities, and all they wanted to do was close the case as quickly as possible! They'd never stick their noses in it-the charges were already pressed-what else was there to nag on about? It was as simple as putting a roasted duck on a plate. Someone had the taste for it, they found a fresh one, doused it with oil and roasted it, and put it on a plate…mission accomplished, quota filled, end of story. Concerning the victim and witnesses, those trivialities, don't bother…but now that it's all wrapped up, their job finished, they should be able to talk.

  For a moment Lu Zhongsheng was excited and chomping at the bit about their future meeting. He imagined they would be surprised on initial contact, but then they'd talk their way from frigidity to familiarity, the truth of the matter coming to full exposure, and then they'd tearfully forgive and forget. That's right, if he could only find that high school student, everything would be fine and be brought to light.

  [2]

  The front door of the police station was serious yet simple, silent in its powerful confidence. Lu Zhongsheng had hardly started his approach when he was overcome with profound anxiety. How could he be back there?! How could he dare?! His visage flashed to white and lips turned purple, having no choice but to go lean on a tree at the side of the road and resting himself several times in succession. Heavens! Why would he have ever returned to that place? This is where his son bid farewell to his life!

  The day after the arrests, the last time he was there, he was still unaware of the seriousness of it all. The first time meeting him there, he saw the way Danqing looked all pummeled up. He wanted to curse him, but he couldn't. He wanted to express his love, but he couldn't-and there was no chance to say three complete sentences before the meeting was brought to an abrupt halt…in the next meeting the charges were already filed, and everyone had already started talking about it wildly, Lu Zhongsheng having a nervous breakdown. Yet he considered the fact that Danqing probably didn't know the sentence, and like lying to a patient with a terminal disease, he forced himself to smile, just asking the details on he health situation. He thought wildly about ways he might save him, as if continuously covering it up to Danqing was somehow leaving a possibility of keeping him alive and changing the outcome of events…and thus passed the time till their last meeting when he cried silently-that was already among the cells on death row, just a stone's throw from his public execution…

  Looking at the police station's door from afar
, Lu Zhongsheng was immersed in regret that if he had known how things were to turn out how he'd have fought to the tooth to talk a minute longer to Danqing. He'd have caressed his hair, held his hand, made him smile, calmed him down, assuaged his fears and moreover tell him that no one blames him, that he's still mom and dad's greatest hope and he'd still become a man worthy of respect, their good boy…But alas he told him none of this and in the end all that precious time was wasted! And then, even if he'd trampled down the front door of the police station it would still be of no use-going back there ten thousand times would be useless, and Danqing would still never come back.

  That's right, that happened-that gang promiscuity case. But who are you? Why are you looking for him?…He went around for what seemed ages, withstanding every sort of high-alert interrogation and distrustful gaze before finally finding someone looking like that army-type official in an office on the third floor. He noticed someone calling out for him, "He" something 15, and after some thought, Lu Zhongsheng decided to call him Officer He.

  Officer He had changed in some impalpable way from the last time Lu Zhongsheng had seen him. He looked as if he had a heavy heart and was very distracted. Oh…you're…Danqing's father. I know, professor. He sized up Lu Zhongsheng as if he could almost remember him, but not quite. Maybe he'd just repeated the introduction Lu Zhongsheng had just given of himself.

  What's going on? You want to reopen the case? He spoke brashly, sucking in another mouthful of smoke and exhaling it out just like in the movies. His eyes were puffy, his expression heavy, and he showed no discernable joy or anger.

  Lu Zhongsheng sensed that his tone of voice wasn't nice and scrambled to explain himself, planning on telling him the whole truth-in a place like this, no matter for what reason, lying is not wise: No, no. I wouldn't dare to want to reopen the case. Your judgment was great-right on. Actually I want to know about someone, that girl who's a senior in high school…Don't worry, I don't have any designs. I'm just looking for someone who knows the details of what actually happened that night…

  What's the point in asking? It was medically confirmed: her hymen was broken. Officer He looked at him and took the cigarette that he'd smoked only half way and crushed it cruelly into the ashtray, suspicion showing clearly on his face. So, Professor Lu. Do you not understand that, or do you not believe it?…

  I've only read the verdict…I never even had the chance to discuss it in detail with Danqing…Lu Zhongsheng held in his tears that he'd shed from the injustice of it all. Officer He was the first policeman to question him this way.

  Aha. So you're saying you still don't understand it. Wasn't the verdict as clear as a bell? Wasn't it read in full view of the public at the execution? Even a child could understand it! Officer He waved his hand and lit another cigarette, squinting his eyes. You can't figure it out? It's finished. Hear me out: go home and live your life. Look at how you're aging. I recognized you today by your clothes, because I know you're always very clean and tidy. Aye, Professor Lu. I know you miss your son, but what can you do? He'd dead already. Listen to me. Go home.

  Choking on his words, Lu Zhongsheng walked out of the office, but continued pacing involuntarily in the hallway. The tone of voice that Officer He just used for some unknown reason gave Lu Zhongsheng the impression that he was well-intending. Perhaps if he paced a bit longer, this Officer He might empathize with him, give him more information, and tell him the name and address of that female senior in high school…

  While he was pacing he suddenly heard a thunderous roar at who-knows-who from Officer He's office: Not only are they giving us yearly quotas, but they keep increasing them! Damn it. It's not like these hooligans are weeds we planted. Every year we're rounding up…I've been on the force for decades, but I've never seen anything like it. Do they really want us to go stand out on the streets, rounding up random suspects?…

  Lu Zhongsheng was frightened stiff when he heard this-and not frightened silly, but frightened smart. He almost flew out of the police station as if his legs were shot up with steroids, wolves and wolverines, or fireballs and flooding behind him, not stopping for a second and ensuring no police officer would ever touch him again…all the way past two streets, running out to a big, wide and open avenue-only then did Lu Zhongsheng put his hand over his chest which was pulsating with his fast and heavy heartbeat. He was listless past the point of caring, leaning on a trash can and letting himself catch his breath. He was too exhausted even to poke fun at himself-What are you running from? How could you be this scared?! It's not just ridiculous; it's foolish. What does Officer He yelling at someone else have to do with you, Lu Zhongsheng? It's impossible for him to go and drag up Danqing's case again to fill the quotas…

  It was strange that after that run for his life in the midst of terror and panic that he suddenly understood his predicament as if a bucket of water were dumped on his head. Wasn't what Officer He said clear enough? Wasn't it enough to stop any of Lu Zhongsheng's ideas? It was confirmed at the hospital-it was broken.

  It was "broken", thus it was "done". Danqing deserved to die, so what was he still trying to prove?! Naturally there were two ways to "break" it. For example, on that night, did his son force her, or were they both willing parties? But on this point, who could he ask? If he asked someone, what good would it do? How could someone's daughter admit the truth to his face? What's unknown shall remain unknown. Just like it's said in Zen, ignorance was his lifetime destiny! He really shouldn't have opposed the will of God, going to find that school girl and trying to find out what really happened-wasn't it a waste of time and looking for trouble? Look at how true he explained it, that whenever Officer He opened his mouth, the truth came out like a gun stock hitting the leg joint most sensitive to pain, the knees getting instantly soft: Go home and live your life…

  Someone Else's Child

  [1]

  Winter was coming again, and the trees were withered, the streets crowded, and whirlwinds were sending scraps of paper flying everywhere. The similar weather quickly reminded people of last year's December. Seeing the scene reminded him of that person, the thought of which weakened him. Luckily, Lan Ying had taken a liking to strolling in the food market in those days, which consumed most of her time and energy-and also made her more normal. Before going to the food market, for a period of time, all her acquaintances or colleagues were avoiding her. She was too talkative-as soon as she met someone she could talk to, she'd grab onto them and talk about anything and everything, always finding some way to bring up their children. She crowded into people's spaces to question them, and it was as if two talons stretched out of her eyes: When does he eat? What does he eat, how much does he eat, when does he sleep, when does he get up, what does he wear, what are his grades recently, what his grade rank at school?…She'd constantly nag about finely detailed issues, incessantly inquiring as if the child was not theirs and as if she gave them her own child to take care of. She worried to the extreme, afraid that the others didn't know how to love their own children. Mr. Lu Zhongsheng talked to her about this issue several times, and she'd mumblingly retort: It's just chatter!

  Seeing that she was, after all, conscious of herself, she gradually became reserved. However, as long as she went out, like to the school campus, into the streets, stationary shops, fruit stands, or any place, she'd see children who were the same young age as hers-the slim, handsome ones would make her feel sad: how much he resembles Danqing! The clumsy and ugly ones made her sad, too: Look, they don't have it as good as Danqing had it. Even others like the older ones holding kids or fat people would remind her that her son was never able to have a love life, have kids or grow to middle age…As she was walking on and on, tears streamed down her face as if the wind was slicing at her eyes. She forced herself to go home where there'd be the same two people in an otherwise empty house. It was hard for them to converse, and the atmosphere could be cut with a knife.

  Only when Lan Ying had entered that housewife’s domain, the food market, did she
achieve real tranquility. She cherished that place and used it to her heart's content, even depending on it---

  At first it seemed like something she'd do on occasion as she never was enamored with cooking and tended to depend on the university cafeteria. But little by little, as if starting to taste sweetness or falling in love, she had to go every day, and moreover she gradually increased the time of her stay past the daily time of thirty minutes. In the end she'd become a part-time worker there. Every morning bright and early, she went in tidy clothes and against cold winter winds to the food market and stayed there until it was almost eight o'clock. Only then did she rush over to the university file room where she worked. After she got off work, she'd report to the food market as usual, wandering there until nightfall and everyone had gone home. Only then would she lumber back home carrying a symbolic mass of vegetables, but she'd cook up some grain soup or noodles and sum up her business that way.

  After dinner she'd painstakingly clean up and wash the vegetables, seemingly to finish what she started. She always bought vegetables that were exceedingly difficult to handle like chives, sweet pea sprouts, and broad beans. She organized them very meticulously and slowly like a sloth, her head slouched deeply in the shadow of the electric light as if absorbed in an abyss of imagination. If Lu Zhongsheng called her, she'd suddenly come out of it. Radish! She blurted out, coming to her senses, silencing herself and covering her mouth with curved, vegetable-green-stained fingers.

  Nothing bad will happen, will it? What could happen in a food market? The more Lu Zhongsheng thought about it, the fishier it seemed and the more worried he got. Thus he secretly followed her.