by Lu Min
It would be better this way. Lu Zhongsheng made a decision that was somewhat absurd. Right-he'd continue to not meet her but always keep tabs on her. To the greatest degree possible he'd keep an eye on her from afar as often as he could. He figured it was for his son Danqing…
[3]
Standing catercorner from the apartment complex, Lu Zhongsheng was already admiring his neat work and was convinced he had Xiaoqing completely fooled. But he couldn't have known that a little something was tailing him from afar two blocks away.
Xiaoqing knew her father would betray her like that, going behind her back to go looking for the mystery woman. Simultaneously making a promise while going back on it-it was a good thing she'd prepared for that long ago.
Xiaoqing had already firmly relegated Si Jia's address to memory, and with just one skipped class, she could go have a look and knock on that woman's door. But no, she wouldn't take such drastic action so soon. Xiaoqing was only too clear about the clue this time. She didn't want to slip up and veer off-course or have an accident. Xiaoqing, moreover, was actually a bit confused. She couldn't understand for the life of her what possible role "Auntie Si Jia" could have played in the whole affair. Even if she did go to her door to meet her, what would she say? Would Si Jia know who Lu Zhongsheng is? Or should she just come straight out with "Big Brother Danqing"? Would she be happily welcomed or angrily kicked out?
It was all too difficult to say. She had no grasp of it. After all, she was still a child, and in the face of real events she was still a bit scared. It was still better to do it another way-wait for the result of what dad was doing. Supporting his lie actually helped his progress-and his progress was her own progress, and thus she could cleverly sit by and watch everything fall into her own hands.
It should be noted that the quantity of deceptive tricks is sometimes not directly proportional to age. Xiaoqing was aware long ago that everything looked normal on the surface when dad was lying, but the outline of his ears would clearly and surreptitiously blush. But when he was facing an important issue of some kind, he'd get blather on as his right hand would start to quiver unintentionally.
That night at the dinner table when Lu Zhongsheng had silently chosen his plan of action, certain clues betrayed his secret. All of his intriguing movements were within Xiaoqing's strict observation. Lu Zhongsheng didn't eat enough for dinner, his chopsticks shook as they rose and fell. When talking at the table, he proposed various conversation topics as Lan Ying exhaustedly played along…Ha! Xiaoqing was rejoicing in her mind. Surely he's going out looking for Si Jia tonight.
Just as she'd planned, she, too, saw Si Jia as she was walking into dad's line of vision.
Oh! Xiaoqing covered her mouth with her hand, surprised and joyful. She's gorgeous-prettier than any of her classmates' mothers-and she even looks great from behind. No matter who she is or what her role is in the lie, wouldn't it be fantastic to have a mom like this? But wait a minute-it's possible. By the looks of her age, she could be my mother. Why not? Indeed, anything is possible. She looks depressed because she's lost her precious contact with my "current" dad and mom, a couple with whom she has a complex relationship…
Xiaoqing and Lu Zhongsheng were the same, both standing there in their own catatonia and distant thoughts. In those moments, when Si Jia had materialized before her, Xiaoqing smiled and took a strong liking to her. In order to turn Si Jia into her own real mom, she made yet another new deduction: Si Jia and Big Brother Danqing were once a couple, and they gave birth to Xiaoqing. But for some unknown reason they split up, and thus, she'd ended up in the hands of her current parents…So you see, dad wouldn't dare go and meet Si Jia. If he did, he'd have to leave the whole family at once…
So should I go and meet her? I'll go straight to her apartment tomorrow or the day after. Then can the two of us leave this place together? What a dead simple escape!
But suddenly-how strange it was-Xiaoqing had never before experienced that sense of being torn away while simultaneously looking for escape. Betwixt the unknown Si Jia and her two relatives-betwixt the woman being deduced as her real mother and her everyday parents, she felt herself being ripped into two, cringing in pain when pulled in either direction. Why was that? What was happening? Wasn't she getting closer to the "real story" just as she wanted? Wouldn't it have changed everything if she'd taken that one step forward? But why did she suddenly feel herself torn in such a severe way? It was absolutely insufferable. She'd even vividly imagined what it would be like after she left without a word, when her little room would suddenly be hollow and alone, or how her old father and old mother…
Xiaoqing puckered her lips up tight, closing off the winter wind outside. She stood there staring, suddenly starting to hate this successful detective's stroll. She was indeed afraid and shocked, and she felt like her prolonged chase came to a crashing halt. She thus exuded far and wide an ironic sentimentality-surprising as it was, she was somehow utterly unable to give up on her miserable, hoaxing parents!
Could it be that this long-awaited opportunity was to leave her empty-handed in the end? The ten year-old child suddenly had tears streaming down her face.
[4]
Oh, it's not only you two who are observing Si Jia. I'm here, too, watching from above in the sky, like a videocamera hoisted far, far up. I'm looking down to street corners, trees, street lamps, public buses-I'm seeing everything from a bird's-eye view-the three of you with your intermittently bright and dark shadows in a nightscape palette. My father and Xiaoqing have started to make necessary compromises even as their hearts boil with worry, and it is, no matter what, a great scene to behold. You're finally joining a common space…Though I know you'll never contact each other face to face and let your hearts open up…
It's all so similar to a pointless game of skittles where everyone takes a designated position, each rebuffing or accepting the other. But because of blame, worry, and cowardice, you three are left to rest in your lonely corners, roasting in your polluted lives, and you'll have to struggle to escape for the rest of your lives…Aye, will the day ever come? Will you ever escape this cursed, vicious cycle? Will you ever see each other face to face, courageously coming together to talk about me and your respective trials and tribulations?…
Oh, that's right. Dad, what's she like? When you see what Si Jia is like, are you proud of me? Can you appreciate how even today she's still very distinct from everyone else? You could imagine her in her feminine adolescence sixteen years ago at that dance…But the difference is like night and day, Si Jia then and Si Jia now. Dad, if you could only know what she's become now…if you could only know what kind of a date she's going on…if you could only know who she's going to meet and who "Violent Aesthetics" really is.
An Obligatory Hug
[1]
Si Jia didn't know there was so much miserable onlooking, tender immaturity, and deep regret in her wake. She was hurrying over to a private restaurant recommended by "Violent Aesthetics". They were about to eat dinner there that night, and it was the second time they met.
It was hard for her to contain her excitement all day long, yet there were more than a few things she was worried about. The meeting about to take place felt like a taboo-like temptation, veritably raising her desires to yet a higher pitch…Of course she wouldn't notice whatever commotion stirred behind her back-even if the whole city was following her with their eyes she'd never turn around and look. Was there anyone curious about her? Very well, then, they should take a long, hard look…
"Violent Aesthetics" had reserved a private room and showed Si Jia inside. The two ordered their food and just chatted about some everyday topics. Yes, indeed-there were no shocking revelations to talk about. Si Jia was on a date which was, for her, like a checked box for a binary question. No more arguments over differences of opinion were to erupt between the two of them again.
"Violent Aesthetics" first ordered some rice and wheat liquor and then asked the waitress to bring on more booze, this time
made with bayberry. The couple was filling each other's glasses, and their faces blushed bright red. The alcohol left Si Jia's head completely unfazed, but rather, it all tasted good to her in this particular binge. It probably had something to do with her mood. These two women had only overcome this hurdle through great difficulty, but after they'd overcome it, it even felt like they were in territory easy enough to brave. And what of it? To them it was just making girlfriends and having a living, breathing partner-and whatever they chose to do, it was all good news.
"Violent Aesthetics" actually didn't have a high tolerance for liquor. She'd come in wearing a small suit again with the small silk scarf prim and proper. However she took off her suit jacket early on, and then she undid her tie and even opened up the collar of her blouse. Her whole face was bright red and her mood was outstandingly joyous. To her this meal was nothing but an engagement ceremony. She'd looked long and hard for this person. She looked at Si Jia with mirthful eyes, and a flurry of words seemed to burst out from her uncontrollably.
Hey, I have something nice to show you. "Violent Aesthetics" locked the private room's door with a squinty-eyed smile and flashed a nod over to Si Jia. She started unbuttoning her blouse and even posing like a stripper. Si Jia was stunned with fright-"Violent Aesthetics" was loosening her collar, belt, and probably more. But was there ever really to be a genuine rendezvous of the flesh? There was a "buzz" Si Jia's head and "no no no" on the tip of her tongue as she tried to restrain "Violent Aesthetics". But wasn't she only handling her shirt? In the blink of an eye it was whisked off, and her top half was denuded.
Was that a human body? It was eye-piercing like rays of sunlight, and Si Jia had to squint her eyes.
Sundry scars in various forms laid vein-deep in her skin. The colors brown, maroon, and dark blue were like carefully-arranged tattoos-yet also like colored marble laminated onto the surface. There was layer after layer, pathway by pathway, and crag after peak, each one higher than the one before it. It was traditional landscape imagery with the efficacy of modern equipment.
Si Jia's skin hurt all over just to look at it. How many punches and kicks would someone have to endure to be made up like this? "Violent Aesthetics" was very pleased with Si Jia's reaction. She smiled almost proudly, using a yet more elegant and teasing gesture to undo her bra. Her pair of insufficiently voluptuous breasts were filled with cigarette burns arranged in an orderly fashion as in graphic design, while the two nipples, being central to the composition, were meticulously branded in a yet deeper color, having become small, black tulips.
Si Jia wavered as she caught herself on the back of a chair, searching with her hands for the white blouse and helping "Violent Aesthetics" cloak it back on over her shoulders. "Violent Aesthetics" sweetly smiled. More splendid discoveries await below, but I'm afraid I'll scare you away. I'll reveal more to you later and let you appreciate this wonder among men…You've probably guessed that I can never wear skirts, revealing blouses, shirts with spaghetti straps or those kinds of things. I'm warming up to wearing suits and t-shirts, and luckily as long as I add a silk scarf, no one will keep me from getting into the women's bathroom. "Violent Aesthetics" was joking and hoping to help Si Jia relax. The latter's face was completely pale and showed no signs of the presence of blood.
Who did this? Si Jia said when she was finally able to open her mouth.
It's a long story, but to keep it short: villainous men. "Violent Aesthetics" wouldn't give details. She put each item of clothing back on, carefully re-tying her scarf. She actually dressed herself up quite nicely.
So I've really got a crush on you. "Violent Aesthetics" poured yet another glass of liquor for herself, turning her head up and slamming down the whole glass. She was drunk, but she still wanted more. She looked at Si Jia with an ear-to-ear grin, speaking with a limitlessly desolate tone of voice. Tell me. Do you hate men as much as I do? Do you need a family as much as I do? Do you need me as much as I need you? Si Jia, don't refuse me.
[2]
Normally Si Jia made her own decisions about life, and no one needed to come up with any ideas for her. What could you say? If she were to really agree to shack up with "Violent Aesthetics", she'd need something of a confidence boost. So Si Jia decided to go swing by her stepfather's place.
On that day and after showing off her disturbing "body sculpture", taking the opportunity when Si Jia had sunk into shock (and being afraid of being given so much trust), "Violent Aesthetics" quickly proposed that the two of them live together. She said it with great ease and generosity, and in simple, concise terms, arguing, furthermore, from the perspective of finances, companionship and such. It all sounded as easy as two female college students renting a room…But Si Jia was well aware that this "living together" was different from such an arrangement, even if they didn't sleep in the same bed. It was to be in its nature a necessary synthesis of soul and flesh. After taking such a step, how would she ever turn back?
She subconsciously thought of going back home. Aye, it was nothing but a mental crutch, a sense of obligation to inform someone. But in reality she herself knew that she wouldn't tell anyone a word about her affairs with "Violent Aesthetics". Anyways, did she even have a home? Her stepfather lived alone, and she rarely went to her mother and "little bow tie's" place. For one thing, Si Jia's mother's overly elated energy stressed her out, and moreover, her mother would always trespass into confidant territory and pry into her personal life…Alas, it was still better to go to her stepfather's. Moreover, he had less and less to say after the divorce, as if every word would turn into body fat-Si Jia actually liked that. In any case, entering the aroma of his meat soups and sitting for a time in the shadow of his huge body was an acceptable routine.
She decided to wait another day as "Violent Aesthetics'" tattoo-like scars swung before her eyes like fists hitting on her face. Also, the so-called living together issue made Si Jia an insomniac. Thus, at beaming and brilliant noon, she got up and got the idea to return "home" for a visit.
The paths and hallways of the noontime military complex rested in total silence with the indolence and sloth of a midday nap. Everything was so clean that it felt like being in a unique dream world. It was a strange ethos to Si Jia, and going out to see her stepfather at noon started looking like it wasn't such a good idea. Si Jia got cold feet, wanting to turn around and leave, but she remembered that it was already two or three months since she'd seen her stepfather. She was consumed by her emotional attachment with "Violent Aesthetics" and had thus completely brushed aside her stepfather. Aye. It's over. You can only say it's over.
Si Jia pressed the doorbell, and because no one responded, she thought that maybe her stepfather was taking a mid-day nap. Si Jia fumbled for her key and opened the door. It was dead silent and completely empty inside. She popped her head into her stepfather's room, and as she expected, he was asleep in bed. He was enveloped in blankets, and his clothes were plopped on the floor.
She decided not to call him. All she really wanted to do was to have a seat and go through the motions of coming home-nothing more. Si Jia sat on the old sofa in the living room. It was there ever since she could remember, its springs no longer able to support any weight. Anyone who sat on it was "sunk". But Si Jia especially liked "sinking". She was trapped there, heedlessly thinking of the issue with "Violent Aesthetics" while looking around.
His sleeping domain was filled with signs of a single old man's messiness and casual attitude. On a tiny tea table there was a razor, a remote control, a tin of tea leaves, a roll of toilet paper, a soup ladle, a half-rotten banana etc.-all chaotically spread around. She also found her stepfather's favorite flip calendar. When Si Jia saw it, it showed the date from two days before, and she ripped off two sheets for him.
The action of ripping them off gave Si Jia a sudden feeling that something was wrong-every night before going to bed her stepfather needed to flip over to the next page of his old-style flip calendar before he could ever consider the day over with. She never
saw him forget a day. Once when Si Jia was little she played a practical joke on him and hid it, and because she hid it too well, she forgot where it could possibly be by the time her stepfather started asking for an explanation. It drove her stepfather crazy that night as he searched like sweeping mines through cabinets and shelves through most the night. He searched until he finally found the calendar, and only after he'd ripped off the current date could he get his exhausted body in bed and off to sleep. That's odd. How did he ever forget to rip off two days, then?
Si Jia took a sniff and strangely, she didn't smell the familiar aroma of meat. No matter how her nose sought it out, it just wasn't there. Previously it didn't matter when she came through the door, he'd either be cooking, preparing to cook, or heating something up. Generally the smell of meat was heavier than that of vegetables, and the smell followed her stepfather around like a shadow. It was the distinctive smell of home…To the contrary, on that mid-day, Si Jia smelled something else which was hard to describe. It wasn't good, like something had gone bad and was rotting. Up to then, she'd somehow overlooked it, because she was constantly thinking of "Violent Aesthetics" and the scars on her body.
Also…her stepfather, being obese in recent years, always snored in his sleep. The fatter he was, the louder he snored. It was jarringly loud and the sound practically permeated through the whole apartment. But now, she surmised, it was too silent.