by Lu Min
But I've said it before: no matter when or where, I'll surely take Si Jia's side, and I cannot blame her. What we're seeing here is only the broader trend of the Internet age. People put their faith into virtuality and would rather disbelieve the real world. How could I ask her to rebel against it? Go ahead, Si Jia, and courageously face what you've invested yourself in, no matter if it's a pile of rubble or a dissipating mirage.
However, if I were to come back to life, I'd be a maniacal wind blowing back Si Jia's steps or a small dog tugging at the bottoms of her pants. It's insanity to go see him, don't you know that? Don't do it. I'm afraid that after this meeting, Si Jia, you'll become estranged from me forever.
[3]
Si Jia stared at "Violent Aesthetics" without saying anything for a whole two minutes.
Heavens! Destiny really took her for a badminton birdie-whisking her from one end to the other, from this end to that, playing on like there's no end in sight.
She'd thought of all the worst possible outcomes: "Violent Aesthetics" was perhaps one of her former coworkers, an old neighbor who was the most familiar with her scandal, a male student who'd participated in the Christmas dance party many years ago, an artist youth with whom she'd had a vaguely real, crazy time with, the French translator from before, the newspaper office editing department chief, the love and romance section editor with whom she'd attempted to go to bed with, a downline she freaked out with, a spoken-English classmate who'd come back from abroad, or even that shape-shifting bastard from Hong Kong-any man who knew her or even any man who'd hurt her before. None of this mattered to Si Jia. Really, all I need to do is start with a clean slate.
But none of that came to be. "Violent Aesthetics" wasn't even a man. He wasn't he, but a she.
She was about the same age as Si Jia, wearing a fitted, small, black suit. Around her collar was a printed silk scarf made into a tie-handsome indeed. She'd arrived punctually and went to sit down in front of Si Jia. Once she was seated she announced her theatric role without hesitation: I'm "Violent Aesthetics". She didn't give Si Jia any room to move as she had quickly positioned herself directly in front of her.
Heavens, how Si Jia looked! She wished she could only pass out right then and there, or just keel over and die. She wasn't fourteen, nor was she twenty-four years old-but she was thirty-four years old. She'd quit chasing the latest fashions long ago. She'd long ago retired to being a common woman wanting an easy and comfortable life. Why was fate holding onto her like that? Was she determined to rebel against the general order and the challenge worldly norms?…
Si Jia's face blushed bright red, and tears of anger and injustice gushed out like a fountain. The makeup she'd carefully put on before going out was wrecked, and her face was almost like that of a cat. "Violent Aesthetics" passed out soft tissues to her, keeping warmly silent.
Ah, no wonder she'd repeatedly emphasized online, wanting Si Jia to promise, All you need is a warm heart to cozy up to, and you're not concerned about the physical body…When you see me, you must remember what you said. Don't get angry-don't get angry at me; most of all. Surely don't get angry at yourself…
Si Jia calmed down and weakly leaned against her seat. Her mouth and tongue were dry from crying. "Violent Aesthetics" refilled Si Jia's cup, half smiling, opening her mouth somewhat. But she didn't talk much, and she spared her words like a man.
Si Jia, I've saved all of our conversations and perused them. Subconsciously, you've never actually liked men. To the contrary, you hate them and hate them all. It's impossible that you'll experience love with them again.
Including you and your stepfather-you should know that it was just puberty. Because your mother's year-round absence, it was all starvation for family love, and you were confused.
Why would you take the initiative to let Danqing destroy your body? Furthermore, why was only his finger used? If you think about it-just think about it…Your fundamental goal was to destroy the female identity's most typical and valuable gender aspect, completely denying and overturning it in your subconscious.
It's not a mental problem, but rather, a physiological phenomenon. You should believe science and acknowledge your body. Nothing is more honest than your body.
No matter-take your time. Just as you requested, I have a warm heart you can cozy up to, and I'm here to give it to you. Always remember how good we are together on the Internet and how much we like each other. You must believe that we can be together.
I'm going now. I've already paid the bill for the tea. I'll be waiting for you online.
Si Jia didn't say a word or move a muscle. She didn't even turn her head up as she sat in front of the street-side window. She sat through the careless scans of passerby's eyes, and she lingered in "Violent Aesthetics'" linguistic bombs, in that exploded, chaotic expanse.
[4]
Fortunately I'm already dead and androgynous. Fortunately I've lost my humanity. Otherwise, how would I be able to face all of this? Why do humans always have to torment themselves and constantly conflict with themselves?
My poor Si Jia-don't keep sitting there. You've already heard it loud and clear, and you actually know it all very well. After thinking about it long and hard you'll find that what "Violent Aesthetics" said was very true. You've even started to miss her already, haven't you? Her closeness to you, her mercy and silence…that's just what you've always been looking for and urgently needing. What does this have to do with gender? How could there be anything correct or mistaken about gender? All you wanted to see was "Violent Aesthetics"-not a man, not a woman, but just a "Ta" would have sufficed. That someone who accompanied you online for countless days and nights and knows all of your memories and desires…
Thus I know that it won't be long-perhaps just a week-but at most you'll stick it out a fortnight. First you'll look up reams of information and common knowledge about lesbian love, then you'll go looking for "Violent Aesthetics" online. You'll pretend nothing happened, because your returning will be sufficient explanation in itself.
What an ironic, ridiculous ending! Si Jia, my dear, in the final analysis, you're being trendy yet again. No matter how much you try to follow along and be a good girl-no matter how much you try to understand compromise and conflict avoidance, you're still destined to be a woman who is never to have a normal life…
A Prolonged Stare
[1]
Fortunately another year was about to end, and the season was, in itself, an ideal refuge, covering moods, motives, and life itself.
With their face masks 32, hats, coats with collars flipped up, Lu Zhongsheng and Xiaoqing were heavily guarded against the cold, having bundled themselves up with rigid severity. Their walk was an opportunity for an outing. Xiaoqing was suppressing her excitement while Lu Zhongsheng's steps slowed with hesitation. As per the address on the note, they found Sitiao Alley's Dayang Village Gated Community. It wasn't too far from home-just four bus stops away. Even if they'd walked, it'd only have taken a half an hour at the most.
…Four bus stops or just a half hour walk-the student had always been so close to them. Perhaps they'd encountered her on the street before and didn't know it. Lu Zhongsheng's heart went into a fit of palpitation before he got a hold of himself, repeating and emphasizing what he'd agreed with Xiaoqing before going out the door: Number one…concerning Si Jia…Let's call her auntie. Don't ask me anything about Auntie Si Jia, because I don't know her. I'm not lying; that's the truth. Two…surely dad has no plans on barging into her home and trying to get to know her. It wouldn't be good that way, and dad isn't willing to do that. Since we're working together, you have to agree to these two conditions.
Alright, whatever you say, dad. Xiaoqing blurted it out as if she was just doing it for fun and nothing else.
Thus the two of them, father and daughter, took on the appearance of suspicious outsiders 33, walking around the apartment complex, pacing back and forth…But what good was it? They didn't know her. There were too many women going in and out, and f
urthermore most of them were bundled up beyond recognition in masks, hats, and winter jackets. They could have walked around the complex for a hundred years like that and nothing would've ever come of it.
Lu Zhongsheng let out an exhausted sigh, explaining to Xiaoqing to avoid ridicule, Even for dad, a professor and intellectual, it's useless. Do you have any ideas on how we can find her?
Xiao Qing's eyes were fixed, innocently looking at Lu Zhongsheng, as if trying to give the latter a clue. In reality she knew that her dad was lying again, lying to leave her behind. He was pretending he had no choice and had to give up…Just think how ridiculous and clumsy the two rules he mentioned are. How could he possibly not know about Auntie Si Jia? How could he possibly be here just to look at her from afar and not meet her? Liar dad-why do you keep lying to me? I'm furious.
It doesn't matter. I'll help you think…Don't get anxious, dad. In any case, won't she always be here? Just like when I was little and dying to eat some sweet mochi balls, you were afraid I'd choke so you told me, Take your time. The mochi is always going to be there. It's yours and no one else's-you'll never lose it. And with that, Xiaoqing let out a sweet and cute smile.
Lu Zhongsheng felt a moment of warmth in his heart, thinking what a good child she was and wishing she could always smile like that. Forgive me. It's for your smile that dad has to lie to you.
Once Xiaoqing had gone off to school, Lu Zhongsheng got an idea. He'd wait until everyone was busy at work, confidently assuming that Si Jia wouldn't be home, then pretend he was there to relay a message from someone else. He went around the whole complex acting very natural, asking for any information about someone named "Si Jia". She rents an apartment here, and she's in her early thirties…He provided all the limited information he knew.
Do you know her? A resourceful senior lady asked as she looked him over. She was a long-time resident at the apartment complex, and she knew about the personage, Si Jia (that bizarre woman) .
I don't know her-I'm relaying a message to her for someone. Which building of these does she live in? Lu Zhongsheng was not the slightest bit perturbed, cheering for himself in his mind, Well done!
Relaying a message? Who do you think you're kidding? You think it's twenty years ago? You don't relay messages nowadays-you call their cell phone, send an SMS, or message them online. Isn't that enough? Are you taking me for an old fogey? The senior lady's eyes stared out at him with the appearance of being savvy to all the latest gadgets.
But I don't have her phone number…I don't have her cell number, and I don't know how to go online. Can't I relay a message for someone? What's the big deal? How old are you, miss? If you were my old age…what Internet? That thing. We wouldn't know the first thing about it…Lu Zhongsheng shook his head with an old man's irrationality and irresponsibility.
I guess you're right-you're a senior comrade…But just to be on the safe side I won't tell you her address…She is single, after all. Lu Zhongsheng's routine had her convinced, but was never willing to tell him her address. Actually she knew that Si Jia was sure to be home, holed-up behind curtains. But she wouldn't yield so easily. Strangers are themselves quite suspicious, and moreover that woman's been strange from the start…
No matter-I don't need her address, then. You only need to tell me when she normally comes out and what she normally wears, and I'll wait at the complex gate for her. It's enough-in any case, I'm just sending her a message. Lu Zhongsheng let out a sigh of relief, continuing along as planned. Actually, why would he want her address? He just wanted to see her from afar and know what she looked like. It was just a wish of his.
Alright, I can do that. She's very easy to spot. She's slender and pale, wears a black shawl, and wears a skirt no matter how cold it is. In our community, she's the only one who meets these three conditions. In general at about six thirty in the evening when others are getting off of work and coming home for dinner, instead of cooking at home, she comes rushing out of her apartment. I don't know if she goes out to eat or goes to work. Simply put, if you come at that time, she'll come out the door. You'll know her when you see her-you can't mistake her. With the way she looks, she's very easy to pick out.
Ha. Look at how smart I am. Lu Zhongsheng left the complex, proud and wanting to pat himself on the back. Excellent. Did I not get the information? Haven't I found her now?
However…Is it alright to lie to Xiaoqing like this? Aye, I can't stand to look at her pitch-black eyes. There will come the day when it'll all get spread out in front of her like a big pancake. When that day comes, she'll surely hold it against me. But how could I possibly let her know about Si Jia? Once she gets on Si Jia's trail, Xiaoqing is sure to ask a load of questions about the past to Si Jia…And Si Jia's perspective-what kind of fractured and twisted narration would that be? Danqing destroyed her childhood innocence, so she would only paint Danqing as an unforgivable bastard to Xiaoqing…Nah. The message couldn't be delivered nor described by anyone else. Lu Zhongsheng had decided to tell Xiaoqing himself. Maybe it'd be better to wait till she's sixteen. Right. When she's sixteen I'll tell her everything-the whole story…
[2]
After that first time going out to investigate, Lu Zhongsheng consciously laid low, furthermore putting his energies into having a common, predictable schedule. He'd very rarely go out for a night stroll, as if the note and all the issues related to it had faded from his memory. Sometimes when he was alone with Xiaoqing, he'd even feign regret. Aye. Are we really quitting? I'm so old I'm useless. Going to see her was actually Officer He's idea, and it's not even slightly related to our own lives. Lu Zhongsheng chose his words carefully, trying hard to speak objectively and realistically, and this way, he could force himself to face Xiaoqing.
What? Oh, that. I've practically forgotten about that. It seemed like good fun at first, but now that I think about it, there's nothing to it. She's not my big brother Danqing, so what's the use in seeing her? She turned her head downward, back to her homework as if she was even less interested than before. Actually she was saying "umph" and laughing inside. Isn't it all a lie? Can't anyone do that? I can do it, too.
Thus, no one knew who was lying to who. In any case, everyone thought their own lies were successful, completely fooling the other without suspicion. Lu Zhongsheng let yet another month like that go by, then he started going out intermittently for nighttime strolls…Then, after countless actual walks, he randomly chose a day to take a bus to Dayang Village Gated Community.
The community's senior lady was correct, and right at that time, right from that complex gate when everyone was rushing home, a woman wearing a shawl appeared, coming out alone. Surely that was her.
Cold wind blew from all around. Lu Zhongsheng looked onto Si Jia from afar, seeing her frail feet below the bottom of her skirt. Her vast shawl created the look of two black wings. She stood out among the masses as a loner and a misfit who was rarely happy.
Lu Zhongsheng thought he'd see a mediocre middle-aged woman who was getting fat. He'd let a woman like that pass before his eyes as planned, ignoring her, or looking down on her a bit, and he could sympathize with Danqing and see that she wasn't worth it…Or, if she were a shallow woman hiding behind caked-on makeup, he would know that she seduced Danqing. He'd hold a grudge against her, and furthermore curse her behind her back, and spit…
But Si Jia's form mysteriously forced Lu Zhongsheng to either practically get a heart attack or let his mind drift out in space. Well look at that. She's the furthest thing from a follower, a commoner, or a happy person. The student was apparently still shrouded by the incident, and it was continuing to affect her life. She was probably stuck in a dirty quagmire she was thrust into, and was never again to see another day of peace. Lu Zhongsheng became slightly agitated and worried, and his mind went blank. Yet he was twisted in knots, twisted into a disarray of wrinkles. When faced with the real Si Jia, he couldn't bring himself to hate her. To the contrary, he suddenly seemed owe her a lot…He even regretted his own cowardice
, thinking he should have come to see her long ago. She was a woman alone, and being haunted with such an affair, how could she have possibly gotten what she's wanted out of life?…
Si Jia turned a corner, giving Lu Zhongsheng a lateral view. The way the side of her face flashed by amid the tree shade had the effect of a charcoal drawing. Lu Zhongsheng could catch a glimpse of the look on her face. It was a bit faded out, with the character of leaves falling in autumn wind, yet it had a strident energy.
This propelled Lu Zhongsheng to hesitantly start questioning the judgment he'd just made, and he even thought it didn't have a leg to stand on. He suddenly remembered Officer He's assessment: From the expression on her face, she didn't look at all like a victim…Indeed, from this one look, she was quite apparently a tough cookie with her own way of looking at things. Her life, whether it be strong or weak, was apparently completely in her own hands…So the Christmas dance affair with Danqing-could it also be that her nature brought her to that crucial turning point where she commenced taking the direction she's moving in today?…
Si Jia had gone far away, but Lu Zhongsheng was still foolishly standing catercorner from the apartment complex under a big tree. It looked like he was standing still, but actually his mind was roiling, not getting to the bottom of it, his thoughts swinging from one extreme to the other. One or two looks would never suffice to get an idea of who Si Jia is. But he had an agitated and anxious premonition: Danqing hadn't said and Officer He didn't understand the specifics of what happened that night-but Si Jia was sure to have had an authentic and detailed version…Oh, should I change my mind and go meet Si Jia?
Nah. Did he forget the original plan? He should always remember what Buddhists say: Forget your attachments and ignore all attaching thoughts. Moreover, he didn't have a grasp of himself or with which attitude he should go out to face again what was very difficult to let be and get covered up. It would be a very cruel thing to do to himself, wouldn't it?…However Lu Zhongsheng couldn't just toss Si Jia aside. The woman now who was a high school student then had truly got him worried…He wanted to go see her often, find out about her life, share joys and sorrows with her-even if it were done only under the identity of a stranger…