by Lu Min
You see how he could remember in vivid detail? He could recall so many things exactly as they were. But in the case that there weren't any relics to remind him, would be totally confused again. Lan Ying even suspected that he may have forgotten that Danqing left human society long ago.
One time he stood in front of a large shopping mirror as if looking at a stranger, fussily checking everything on his person, and finally scratching his head, sighing and saying, If Danqing saw how old I looked, surely he wouldn't recognize me. What an unkempt, old man this is-who is he? Naturally I don't know what Danqing looks like now, either. He's forty-one already. Has he gotten fat, gone bald, or started driving a small car? To be honest, if we'd met face to face in the street, maybe these two grandpas would walk right by each other without noticing…The manner and tone with which he spoke wasn't the slightest bit pathetic, as if Danqing was just out of town doing full-time work.
Lan Ying found it both surprising and sad, not knowing if it would be better to rouse him with criticism or let him make his mistakes. However, before Lan Ying had decided, the relics around the house were useful tools. It, too, was unintentional that when moving the dresser out of Xiaoqing's room, they found an old Big White Rabbit candy tin at the base of the wall. Lu Zhongsheng got a strange look on his face, suspecting as he was opening it to find a cigarette pack, a bullet, and a slingshot…apparently Danqing's childhood treasures. When Lu Zhongsheng saw them, his brows started furrowing up proudly. Umph. These doohickeys. I never let him play with them, and who'd have thought this little stinker would have found a way to hide them here. You see? Didn't I still find them?
Lan Ying was tearing at the eyes practically from the start of this scene. The youth, Danqing, from more than twenty years ago, had again begun to stagger and spin before falling down. Only when she wanted to reach out and take that Big White Rabbit tin did Lu Zhongsheng notice his wife's face was covered in tears. But he remained unmoved, only nodding his head to himself as if he'd understood something. Oh. With the way you're crying, I remember now. Danqing passed away when he was nineteen years old…
[3]
Hey Danqing. I'm here to have another chat with you again.
Recently your mother has been looking at me with a both hurt and envious look in her eyes. It seems strange to me-why would she look at me like that? Would it be that something tragic happened and I didn't know?
Often when Xiaoqing comes home, she'll suddenly stare me down and ask, Old man, what's my name? How old am I? When I give the right answer, she hugs me and jumps up and down for joy. However, how could I possibly not recognize her? It's so weird-she's like her mom. I have no idea where they got this unexpected notion. They're always afraid that I'd even forget who they are, or that I'd go out into the street and drown in the flow of strangers, completely unaware of myself…
Oh, they worry too much. What do you think, Danqing? Would my head be muddled to that kind of level? How could I forget: I have a son, you; I have a daughter, Xiaoqing, and Lan Ying is your mother. Aren't these the only four people in the world? Even if I couldn't remember clearly anything about our family affairs, surely I'd never forget these few relatives of mine. You guys are the last straws I can hold onto. We've been through so many ups and downs together for so many years-I wouldn't let them go for even a split second!
The only thing I find difficult to accept is that I can rarely ever feel sad or blue anymore. The depression and deep-felt pain that followed me around my whole life like a shadow has just flown away. I'm extremely calm and even giggly. I know I've probably forgotten a lot of things…But once they're forgotten, they're just forgotten-it's no big deal. I won't lie to you: I've even started to feel a bizarre bliss, like being freed from a huge burden on my back and swiftly feeling light as a swallow…like being stuck on long, serpentine, mountain paths, but suddenly walking as if on flat ground…like trekking through treacherous hills, but walking free and easy in just two steps. There's a religious feeling of purification and sudden revelation in this place. How great it is! The gods are taking care of me-what a brilliant world it is!
I love eating nowadays. As long as I have an appetite, it all tastes good to me. I like sleeping, too, and sometimes I can get to sleep during the day. I also like sitting down and spacing out on the couch or balcony, lazily letting out some saliva. It feels exceedingly good, seemingly better than any other good feeling or relaxation I've ever had in my life. I also watch a bit of TV, and there's no relation between what they start off saying and what they conclude. To be honest, I pity those people crying and laughing on the screen. What do they think they're doing? What is there to worth taking seriously? They're acting as a lifestyle and imitating life as a basis for their acting-isn't it all "vacuous"? It overflows like a vacuum and is abundantly vacuous…Thank Heaven and Earth that I've ultimately understood the rudiments of this truth.
Danqing, you're not in old age, but I still relate it to you that this is the best feeling anyone can have in life. It's like being fully ripened fruit, making it through wind, frost, snow and rain-and through tragedy, mirth, separation and union, until it's finally bright red and fully ripe.
I picked this fruit, the last piece in life, and I'm eating it so the juice and honey-sweet liquid drips down and sprays all over me-such satisfaction for the soul!
[4]
Lu Zhongsheng's family moved into their new home on New Year's Eve. 45
On the weekend the realtors and property management company held a party for proprietors in the community central plaza. Everyone helped the elderly and carried the young to activities like a family sports meet, a neighborhood arts exhibition, a gallery of children's paintings, and song and dance performances-it was all quite exciting. Lan Ying and Xiaoqing were organizing things at home, but Lu Zhongsheng was very stubborn, persisting with great interest in going to the plaza by himself, going to initiate his favorite activity, "sitting down and spacing out".
Winter was coming soon, and the plants and trees should have been withered or bare, but the organizers arranged burgeoning artificial plants and flowers in key areas, which in combination with warm sunlight confused the participants' sense of season. The muddled vibration of winter's suspicious smile intermittently popped up in the crowd that was coming and going. Lu Zhongsheng carefully sat down on a bench, looking out in every direction with a squinting smile, occasionally checking over all his things as Lan Ying instructed: cane, tea jar, hat, gloves, and scarf. One two three four five-not a one could be missing.
When Si Jia had noticed him, Lu Zhongsheng suddenly discovered that his tea jar was missing from the list. He was just about to start struggling to get up when Si Jia gave him his jar filled with newly-replenished, hot water.
An ad agency had requested Si Jia's attendance. Si Jia was helping with the marketing strategy of an apartment complex in its second phase, and she needed to look for some "bright spots" and "good vibrations" on the scene, as all such work is of this nature.
A feeling of viscosity, sticky like honey, had suddenly agitated Si Jia after she'd arrived at the complex. She shuttled back and forth within the crowd of proprietors, feeling on-edge and excitedly impatient, not knowing what it was that beckoned her. But surely there was something, and she had no choice but to look for it all around her. Her sense of direction wasn't very good, but strangely, she was being unconsciously pulled in a specific direction as if there were a compass needle hidden in the ground.
Sure enough, she saw him on a bench just outside the busiest area-he was the old man who'd been circling around the perimeter of her living space for six years, the old man that made her heart wrench in the middle of the night. His clothes were still pressed and neat, but it was apparent that in those four months of not seeing him, he'd become a different old man. Not only had his stature shrunk, but the look on his face had regressed, relaxed and confused, virtually naive and innocent.
Lu Zhongsheng accepted his tea jar and continued counting down the list…four, five. Alright
, I have everything. He looked at Si Jia who'd brought the jar to him and was sitting next to him. His forehead wrinkled up into a ball, affably nodding to make a point. Ah, I know you…
Yes, and I know you, too. Si Jia concentrated her eyes on him, waiting for him to continue.
Yet Lu Zhongsheng somehow came to a dead halt, retracting the look on his face and smiling uncomfortably. Sorry, I'm probably…confused.
1984, Lu Danqing…As if giving an initial clue, Si Jia tried to recapture Lu Zhongsheng's memory.
Lu Zhongsheng fell into deep thought like looking for a small leaf on the surface of a vast sea in a broken, incessantly noisy storm. Finally he let out a victorious smile. I know. Danqing. He put a bullet shell and cigarette pack in a Big White Rabbit candy tin.
Dayang Village Gated Community, Si Jia. Si Jia thought for a moment, then told him her first address. It was the point Lu Zhongsheng followed most closely.
Lu Zhongsheng lowered his head, pausing for a while. Where's your big shawl? Lu Zhongsheng blurted out lucidly. He stared looking severely at the jogging sweater and jeans Si Jia was wearing, almost as if he were extremely dissatisfied with her current way of dressing. Where's your girlfriend? he asked, posing a second question, his tone becoming very worried and perplexed.
See, he remembers! You remember now, don't you?
You came looking for me, and were always watching me! You don't know what happened that night-am I right? Are you willing to listen now? I want to tell you everything from the beginning…Si Jia picked up his hand, holding it tightly. As their hands were separated by her gloves, there was no warmth exchanged between them. There was a labyrinthine wall of separation in his memory. If she could only break through that block, Si Jia would truly cover those hands with enthusiastic kisses.
Lu Zhongsheng retracted his hand shyly, shaking his head and shaking it again. Sorry. I'm sorry, he mumbled to himself-but they were earnest words from the heart.
What was he sorry for? He was sorry he couldn't remember. He was sorry he didn't want to ask any more about that night. He was sorry, but wanted her to let that all go.
Si Jia stopped trying, giving up on the forgiveness she pleading for. Very well then, she could just let it be and leave him in the bliss of ignorance, the last gift Heaven had bestowed on him…She could keep sitting there, having a good, long look at him. She could even embrace him and those cheeks whose outline resembled Danqing, embracing this relative who probably wasn't going to be in the human world much longer…
Far away there was Xiaoqing. Lan Ying asked her to go looking for Lu Zhongsheng, and she was coming closer step by step. Without further ado, she caught sight of the woman she once hoped was her mother. Such a bland and intimate encounter it was! Without lifting a finger, fate had finally dealt her a lucky card. She fell into a felicitous and daze (like she'd get when playing computer games), stopping under a tree to collect herself.
The young woman was leaning on the trunk of the tree, looking up through the light and shade, lifting her head to the sky, as if looking for the billowing plumes of artificial snowflakes from the turn of the millennium…It's better to wait another second, and rest one more second in this unknown…Heaven would possibly grant her this one illusion, that she'd acquire a relative beyond her old and weak parents and she wouldn't be like an orphan in her days to come…
The sunlight warmed up the wooden bench all nice and cozy. Emanating from a tree trunk not far away was a branch, stretched up into the sky, sending out an embrace, unconscious of its own limitations. There was a baby carriage strung with a complimentary red balloon, two youths racing on zip lines, and three street sweepers in uniform who were giggling for some reason. The passersby occasionally turned their heads without thinking to look at the two people sitting on the bench, but they weren't interested in guessing what their relation was or why their posture was uncommon.
Si Jia's tears streamed down her face as she silently pulled Lu Zhongsheng over to her shoulder. Lu Zhongsheng struggled a slight bit but still leaned over obediently. He felt Si Jia's tears falling by his ears. These boiling-hot, transparent tears were like the most important speckles and something old that had accompanied him for a long time. They were enough to help him start reciting an old poem that he liked when he was young-without missing a word:
If you were cheated in life
don't be worried, don't be sad!
Keep your cool in depressing days;
believe me that good times are soon to come.
The mind forever looks to the future,
but now you're somehow depressed.
Everything is ephemeral,
all of it will pass,
and each thing that's passed
is a familiar memory to be.
Just as Xiaoqing, Lu Zhongsheng lifted his chin and looked up into the sky. The winter sun was piercing his eyes, and his old eyes were murky-but how clear it was what he saw! Look, he's in the sky, watching us.
[1] Labor unit is communist terminology for "place of work".
[2] English from the original
[3] In 1970's and 1980's Chinese film, sex scenes foreign films were replaced with shots of a couples fists intermittently being intertwined and cupping.
[4] Xinjiekou is Nanjing's most central intersection, and Shuixi Gate, a gate in the old city wall, resides about 3km southwest.
[5] Hooliganism was a general, communist term (also popular in Soviet Russia) for crimes against public morality.
[6] Also, Mengpo Tea, as it is made by Meng Po, an old woman in Chinese faith which gives tea of five flavors to souls of the dead.
[7] The boiled water room is where Chinese go to get hot water to drink, fill hot water heating packs for the office or bed (there wasn't and still mostly isn't central heating in Nanjing or anywhere south of the Yangtze River in China), and use for soaking their feet before going to bed.
[8] Strict Punishment, or Yanda, is the name of the waves of severe law enforcement from the CCP which occurred in 1983, 1996, 2001, and 2010.
[9] Homecoming flags are sometimes used by mourning Chinese to call the soul of their dead relative back home and keep them from being reincarnated.
[10] In China dating before high school graduation (at age twenty) is looked down upon and is a controversial, widespread problem.
[11] The legendary Greek hero who exposed the Trojan Horse trick and died of a snake bite.
[12] Lei Feng: A communist propaganda campaign of a proposed ideal human being: namely self-sacrificial. Self improvement: a Mao Zedong slogan still popular in mainland Chinese. The four modernizations: A Deng Xiaoping propaganda and political campaign in the 1980's which promised to modernize industry, agriculture, national defence, and science/technology.
[13] Referring to the Great Leap Forward, the Cultural Revolution and forced agricultural experience for city intellectuals.
[14] Lu Xun, Chinese author whose works all Chinese students must read and study.
[15] "He" in Chinese phonetics (also called "pinyin") is pronounced like "Huh" in English.
[16] A famous educator in ancient China.
[17] Xu Haifeng, The PRC's first gold medalist, who won the gold medal in pistol shooting.
[18] "Open" in China is word borrowed from English which has taken on something of a meaning of its own. In China it means easy-going, easy (sexually), liberal and open-minded.
[19] Chinese couples have their ceremonies in a government registry office which friends and family do not witness, and the imitation of a Western-style going down the aisle as described in this chapter is part of a show which occurs during the reception.
[20] "Xiao" is the Chinese diminutive.
[21] Zits are referred to as "beans" in Chinese.
[22] "Have you eaten?" means "hello" in Chinese.
[23] This is a take on Milefo, or Budhai, "the laughing Buddha".
[24] This is an old Chinese saying relating to how people get phobias due to particular experiences.
&n
bsp; [25] Or in the older phonetics, "T'ai chi ch'uan" or "Tai Chi".
[26] In Chinese, brand names are formed by characters which together do not form a normal, Chinese word. The characters in this case mean birch, nun, fairy and virtue.
[27] Shadow puppet shows are a traditional East Asian art form in which a story is told via back-lit, leather puppets. The well-known Zhang Yimou film "To Live" is about a shadow puppeteer.
[28] Houses of prostitution. "Red lights" in China are pink.
[29] Er Wang was a multiple murderer who killed more than twenty police officers with his accomplice Wang Zongwei while trying to flee from a robbery.
[30] Zhuo Changren, a former prison warden and fugitive, hijacked a plane going from Shenyang City to Shanghai along with five accomplices, attempting to go to South Korea, but ending up being given refuge and even honorary treatment Taiwan. The affair ended in embarrassment for Taiwan when Zhuo was convicted of kidnapping and murder in 1991. He was on death row for ten years and was finally executed by firing squad in 2001.
[31] The sound "ta" in Chinese can mean he, she or it.
[32] Face masks are worn against heavy pollution, road/construction dust, and for warmth.
[33] People from outside of Nanjing.
[34] Supergirls are young women or adolescents who participate in TV singing contests who typically have a peculiar, individual style and sometimes have the potential to gain great fame in a short time.
[35] QQ, Chinese ICQ; CS, Counterstrike, an Internet, multi-player combat game that was often played in Internet bars of the time; BT (biantai), similar to the Japanese word hentai, lit. sick, twisted, perverted, often refers to pornography; cosplay, a social custom popular among youth of dressing up as computer game or movie characters; 7456 (qi si wo le), a Chinese phrase spelled out with numbers of similar pronunciation meaning "it pisses me off"; Kogoo, a media player; TMD (ta ma de), vulgar, lit. "I'll have sexual intercourse with his mother", somewhere between "damn" and "fuck" in degree.