Shattered Memories

by Susan Harris

Leaning my head back against the chair, I sighed. “It is possible. Over the last few days, she has been more open to memories. She told me she had feelings for me, and I suspect that she is confused about that too. Damn it! I wish I could see her today and try and get her to talk to me.”

  “I know, Danny, but if I had questioned it more, it might have brought closer attention to us. Our only hope is to stay undetected until zero hour. You still have everything on your end squared?”

  “Yes, everything is in place. Connors, I can never repay you for this, you know that right? You can never go back after this. Are you okay with that?”

  “I made peace with my choices when I dialled your number and told you what had happened to your girl. No going back now, Danny-boy. You’ve always had my back, and now I’ve got yours and hers.”

  We did that awkward man thing where neither of us knew whether we should hug or shake hands. I laughed, elevating some of the unease. Contemplating what to say next when I heard the buzz of Connors’ pager, I lost my train of thought anyway. He reached for the phone, keyed in a code, listened, and hung up.

  “Seems the warden is done with your girl. If I get anything from Alana, I’ll come back and let you know.” He got up and stepped away from the chair, knocking twice on the table and leaving me alone with my thoughts.

  I worried why the warden wanted to see Alana. Did she suspect something? Was Alana safe for the moment while I finalised our details? The knot in my stomach hardened and I had to admit that I was scared. Scared that I had taken on too much trying to help Alana and risking the lives of so many for the love of one girl. Nerves wracked me, and I tried to remember when I last felt this anxious. I closed my eyes and thought of that Thursday, the day I lost her.

  I had the whole day planned out. We would have a picnic in our favourite spot in the green and chill out before Alana left to go home. I had a lecture scheduled for the next day so I would make my way there by myself early on Saturday morning. I was a tangled bag of nerves.

  It had all started a week earlier when she’d asked me to come down. Her parents wanted to meet me, and I agreed without hesitation because I had something that I needed to ask her dad. It may have been old-fashioned, but with Alana’s age, I had to get it right or things might turn sour. Throughout the day, I had practiced what I would say over and over in my head, telling him it would be a long engagement. I wanted Alana to know I was committed to her despite the fact our careers would separate us for maybe months at a time.

  Without her dad’s approval, Alana would not be happy, and neither would I. She had a special bond with her dad, and I envied her that since my own dad didn’t give a monkey’s butt about me. When I had a family, I wanted to have the type of relationship with my children that Alana had with her dad. They were friends as well as being father and daughter.

  So we had a lovely afternoon, relaxing and kissing until the sun set and we said our goodbyes under the stars. I watched her dance away from me and smiled because in a few days she might say “yes” and I would be hers forever. Sappy, but true.

  During my long day of lectures and meetings, my mind was elsewhere. I fumbled through the day, my only comfort being a few texts from Alana as she made her way by bus from the top of the Island down to the very bottom. She commented about her companions on the bus. One text informed me that she had arrived home safely.

  I heard nothing again until around ten, my nerves keeping me awake as I tossed and turned in bed, anxious for my travels the next day. A beep on my phone alerted me to the text, and I put on my glasses so I could read the message.

  Can’t wait to cu 2moro… luv you xx

  I texted her back telling her that I loved her too and somehow was able to drift into a heavy sleep. I’d been sleeping so soundly that when I heard an annoying buzz early the next morning, it took me a few minutes to realize it was my phone. The irritating noise stopped, but I was awake by that time.

  I picked it up and checked who the caller was. Ten missed calls from Connors. I looked at the time. Five minutes after five in the morning. Damn it. If he had drunk dialled me when I had a long day ahead of me, I would kick his ass when I saw him. Being down south meant I could meet up with him and finally introduce him to Alana.

  The phone buzzed again in my hand, and I pressed it to answer it. Holding it up to my ear, I lay back down in bed. “Connors, have you any idea what time it is?”

  “Danny-boy, I need you to listen to me… it’s about your girl.”

  I sat up ramrod straight in the bed. “Connors. Is she okay?”

  My heart crumbled while I listened to the words as my best friend spoke them, not fully understanding. “Something happened at her folks place, Danny. They say she killed her whole family. Shot ’em all in cold blood. I saw the pictures… it was horrific.”

  “She didn’t do it, Connors… she couldn’t have.”

  “I hear you, Danny, but they brought her in last night, knocked out cold. I was in the room when she woke up, and when they told her what she supposedly did, and it was like nothing I had ever seen before. The girl broke down in tears and said she didn’t remember.”

  “What didn’t she remember? Can I see her?”

  Connors sighed, and I held my breath. “Danny, she just doesn’t remember what happened. She claims to not remember anything. Alana says she went off to the training centre, and the rest is gone.”

  “What are you saying, Connors?”

  “I’m saying she doesn’t remember you, Danny… the past six months are gone. One of the guards knocked her unconscious with the butt of his gun, and they think it affected her memory somehow. I dunno… you’re the expert … is that possible?”

  Sure, it was possible. I had read reports from criminals who claimed not to remember their actions, saying they blacked out during a vicious rage and used that defence. But I had to see her… how could she forget me?

  “I’m getting in my car now, Connors. Tell me where to meet you.”

  “Danny, don’t come here. Not yet. I have to go, but will ring you when I have more news… gotta go… they are moving her to the wing.”

  It was only then that I was reminded of where exactly Connors worked. “What wing is she in, Connors? What wing?”

  There was no sound at the end of the line. “Connors, what wing is she in?” I growled. I knew, God help me, I already knew, but I had to hear him say it or I wouldn’t believe it.

  “Danny, she is in the Underage Department of Corrections, and she has been assigned to me. Danny… she’s on death row.”

  My world shattered. How had plans for the future turned sour in a matter of hours? I clutched the phone so hard I was afraid it would snap. Connors was speaking, but all I could hear was a rush of blood to my head.

  “Danny I gotta go… I promise you I will watch over her. I’ll be in touch.”

  The phone clicked, and he was gone. And I was lost.

  I had completely gone to pieces waiting for the phone to ring again, trashing my room. Pictures were flung across the room, books ripped from their shelves and crumpled down into a battered heap on the ground, and I cried. I despised the distance between us and fought the urge to go to her… not understanding how she could forget me, forget all about us. I knew it was a possibility but did not want to believe it. After a few hours of pacing my destroyed room, I opened the bedside table and pocketed the small ring box. I went to speak to the head of the psychology department and told him I had heard about the events down south and asked for a transfer in order to study the case.

  At first he seemed surprised, considering I was posed for a new position within the department that assessed prisoners. I lied, telling him memory loss had always fascinated me, and I would love to study the girl further, assess her and see if she really had lost her memory. It had taken four months of red tape and bureaucratic BS before I got the transfer, with my department head deferring placement for a year.

  I packed up my belongings and got straight in a car and drove all
night to the prison. After a quick tour, I was shown to my office and asked to have Alana brought to me straight away. Hope flooded my veins thinking that when Alana saw me it would spark some sort of recognition, but I got the opposite.

  Connors had brought her to me and winked before leaving us alone. My heart beat so loud that I was afraid she would hear it in my voice while I searched for some little hint in her eyes. Instead, the fragile, broken girl in front of me paled in comparison to the fiery one that had insisted I take her out for coffee.

  She had lost weight. Her eyes were sad, and her body language was defensive. She sat on one of the armchairs in front of my desk clutching her knees to her chest. God, I wished I could take her in my arms and tell her she would be safe, but the girl I was looking at was a stranger.

  I knew then that it would take more than the time we had to gain her trust and try and bring my Alana back to me. No matter what, I would try until the last breath left my lungs.

  My office door opened again and Connors was already back. I looked up at him, but he shook his head. I sighed and got up. Walking over to the cupboard, I opened the doors and pulled two glasses and a bottle of whiskey from the shelf. Connors’ grin widened as he took the weight off his legs and sat, his boots resting on the edge of my desk. I joined him, putting the glasses down and poured out the liquid. Passing a glass to him, I rested into the chair and mimicked his way of resting shoes on the opposite edge of the desk.

  “Things must be nearing an end if you take out the good stuff, Danny-boy. I could arrest you for having illegal brew, you know.”

  “Then you would have to arrest yourself for partaking in illegal activities, my friend.”

  “Touché.” And he grinned, lifting the glass to his lips, savouring a gulp. I sipped mine and ran things over in my head.

  “Can you get your hands on those blueprints, do you think?”

  Connors took another slug and grinned. “Yeah, the girl in records has a thing for me, so I should be able to get my hands on them.”

  I chuckled and said, “Only you would use a life and death situation to chat up girls.”

  He grinned back at me. “Keeps me young.”

  We drank the rest in silence, each of us lost in our own thoughts. I guessed we had sat there for about ten minutes before Connors’ voice penetrated the quiet.

  “So, Danny-boy, do you think your ole man will come through?”

  “I hope so, Connors. I think he was happier about my rebelling against the parliament than anything else. His exact words, ‘I knew you would turn out to be a chip off the ole block, Son.’ My dad is not searching for redemption, just another excuse to stick it to the powers that be.”

  Connors raised his glass and winked. “And we will take the bastard’s help no matter how much of an asshat he is, Danny. To freedom.”

  I raised my glass and clicked it with his. “To freedom.”

  Connors laughed, and I joined him, but soon it was time for him to leave, and I had some things to sort out. With Connors gone, I unlocked my desk drawer and took out the photo of me and Alana and placed it on the desk. I needed her company for a while and set the tiny box on the desk in front of her photo before I pulled out a folder that held my master plan.

  I flicked through the documents until I came to the notes I had jotted down during my phone calls with my dad. Finding the number I was looking for, I picked up the phone and dialled the number.

  The phone answered immediately, clicking to answering machine with no greeting. I left a message as my dad had instructed and waited. Minutes ticked by and finally the phone on my desk rang.

  “Hello. Dr Costello speaking.”

  “You Jimmy’s boy?” A gruff voice asked.

  “I am.”

  “How can I help ya?”

  I laid out my plan for him and waited for him to speak.

  “That can be done. Did Jimmy tell ya how much?”

  “He did. I have it in cash for you once the package has been delivered.”

  He paused for a second. “Half up front.”

  “My dad said to tell you to remember how he kept his mouth shut about Dundalk.” My dad had given me that little snippet if his friend argued but didn’t tell me what he meant by it.

  The voice at the end of the line grunted and said, “Fine, but Jimmy and me are square after this… you tell him that.”

  “I will.”

  “I’ll be on to ya.” The line disconnected, and I replaced the receiver. Another piece was now in place… or was I just tightening the noose around my own neck as well as Alana’s? I hoped for the former.

  Deep down, in the pit of my stomach, my gut told me that nothing would ever be the same again.

  19

  Alana

  “I’m waking up; I feel it in my bones,

  Enough to make my systems blow.”

  (Imagine Dragons: Radioactive)

  I expected to be haunted by yesterday’s flashback as soon as I closed my eyes. I expected to wake up screaming and checking to see if my hands were bloodstained. I expected to open my eyes and still see their bodies littering the floor. I expected to be ready to resist the urge to vomit as my sister’s lifeless eyes stared back at me. I expected to bolt upright in a cold sweat, horrified by images that would scar me for the rest of my short life. But none of that happened. I was wrong; my mind unleashed another memory on me. This time the emphasis edged towards my dad and seemed more like a gentle reminder than the harsh images I had dealt with up until now.

  The bus had dropped me off at the edge of our tiny town, and I enjoyed the breath of air after being cramped on the coach. After about an hour, the bus began to reek of sweat and cheap perfume. I hoisted my duffle bag over my shoulder, waiting until the weight was steady and then set off on the short walk to my childhood home.

  Not much had changed in the last six months. The blacktop road still stuck to the soles of my shoes when I walked. Humidity in the air made it seem heavy, and the trees blocked the setting sun from my vision, covering the path as I walked, casting dancing shadows at my feet.

  I stopped at the checkpoint into the village, glad there wasn’t a line because that late in the afternoon everyone was still at work or home for the evening. After flashing my badge at the guard, I exchanged pleasantries and was on my way again. The village contained no more than a hundred houses, each street designated depending on the family status within the Island. We had one little square that was home to a range of shops and bakeries and the one public house. I passed the school I had attended and did not even cast a glance in its direction. That place held no happy memories for me… no friends to keep in touch with.

  As expected, I returned polite gestures to others while continuing on my journey, eager to pass through the streets and spy the familiar house far back in a prestigious part of the village designated to the officers of the Parliament. I tried to ignore the inquisitive looks as I strolled through the streets, but I knew the past six months had done wonders for me, physically and emotionally.

  I was no longer the smallest girl in the room… actually that should be rephrased… even though I was still the smallest girl in the room, the physical training I had undertaken had added muscle to my body, defined strong arms that I didn’t bother to hide under my vest top. As I rounded the corner to my street, I held my head high. I had a lot to be proud of… success when people had expected me to fail. Besides, I had the love of a good man.

  Tomorrow would be an interesting day when my dad and my boyfriend came face to face for the first time.

  The row of houses on my street came into view and I spotted a ball of excitement rushing towards me. Sophia’s smile was an ocean wide as she raced up the street to greet me. Her hair had grown longer and she had too. She’d gained a full inch or two since I last saw her. I let my bag drop to the ground and held out my arms to her, engulfing her in a hug as soon as her body was within reaching distance.

  “I’ve missed you so much, Soph,” I murmured into
her hair. Ruffling her hair as she skipped alongside me, she tried to fit in as much news as her little mouth could possibly say before she ran out of steam. I heard all about school and her music lessons and about the boy in her class who pulled her hair. She burst into enthusiastic giggles when I threatened to kick his ass for her.

  I spotted the silhouette of my mom standing in the doorway of our house. Sophia bounded off to her. Mom’s smile widened as I drew nearer. Never has a hug felt as good as when my mom wrapped her arms around me. I breathed in the smell of her perfume mixed with flour. She took my face in her hands and said, “Let me look at my beautiful daughter.” I laughed and kissed her on the cheek.

  We went inside and all revelled in the home comforts I had come to miss. The house smelled of the makings of a stew, my favourite dish ever. Also, I could make out the unmistakable odour of something baking in the oven, and my mouth began to water. I would make up for this on Tuesday when I went back to training.

  Mom asked how I was and if they were treating me well at the centre. I relayed the hardships of being a warden’s daughter but told her that I was tough. She squeezed my shoulder and an expression passed over her face, far too quickly for me to make anything from it. We chatted some more while she made coffee and it seemed as though I had never left.

  When the coffee was brewed, Mom asked if I’d take a cup to my dad. Of course, he would be in his office. Their first born was returning home after six months away, but with my dad, work still came first. Nothing new there, I supposed. I sneaked a peek at my mom, but she was already watching me. An easy smile overtook me as I accepted the warm cup from her hand, and I left her to her cooking while I went in search of my dad.

  It wasn’t that I didn’t know exactly where he was… his office. Leaving the kitchen, I went as if heading to the garden but took a right at the door leading to a section of the house where dad had built an office when he had become warden a couple of years earlier. His voice was muted and grumpy, and I knew there and then that the weekend would be a disaster.