Sanctuary

by Courtney McPhail

  “What’s so funny?” he asked Veronica.

  “It’s not really funny, just cute,” she replied. “Girls having crushes on boys, it brightens the day is all.”

  “What the hell ya talkin’ ‘bout?”

  Veronica smirked at him. “You are really thick, aren’t you?”

  “He’s not thick, just a typical man,” Kim said and they both laughed, Lorraine and Jenny joining in.

  He didn’t like that he was the butt of some joke he wasn’t in on but then he looked at Craig, he saw that the guy had no clue either. That made him feel a bit better about it.

  “Audrey has a crush on Trey,” Veronica explained. “That’s why she wanted to stay up and why she got pissed at you. She didn’t want Trey thinking she’s a little kid.”

  He hadn’t really thought about Audrey liking boys. She just seemed so young, a little girl, which was kinda stupid considering the number of times she’d yelled at him that she was nearly a teenager. She wanted to be seen as grown up, no bed time, allowed to go off with a boy alone--

  “Wait a fuckin’ minute,” Jackson growled. “Ya know she’s got a crush on him and ya just let her go off in the dark with him. The hell ya thinkin’?”

  He stood up, ready to storm over to the van where he could see the beam of a flashlight bouncing around. He remembered very clearly what went through the mind of teenage boys and hell if he was going to let that kid put his horny paws on Audrey.

  “Oh calm down,” Veronica said, with a roll of her eyes. “Nothing is happening.”

  “How do ya know that?”

  It was Lorraine who answered him. “Because he sees her as a little kid, no matter how much she tries to act like she’s older.”

  “And he’s got a crush on Claudia,” Kim added.

  “How do you know all of this?” Craig asked and Jackson felt better knowing he wasn’t the only one who was out of the loop.

  “We’re women, we just know these things,” Veronica said with a smile. “Plus, I’ve been working in a high school for nearly ten years. I can spot a crush a mile away.”

  “I think it’s great that they are still experiencing something as normal as a crush,” Jenny said and the others nodded. “I wouldn’t mind going back to that time, being young and carefree again.”

  “Not me,” Veronica said. “I wouldn’t go through those years again for any amount of money. Too much drama and turmoil.”

  “Well if there’s one thing our lives don’t have now is drama and turmoil,” Craig deadpanned and Veronica gave him the finger.

  “What I mean is the stupid crap we cared about back then. You worried about wearing the right clothes and sitting at the right lunch table and getting invited to the right parties,” she said, listing them off on her fingers, “And if you screwed any of that up, it was the end of the damn world…at least until another stupid problem came along and then that was the end of the damn world.”

  “And that’s exactly why I’d go back,” Kim said. “I’d rather worry about silly things like which clique to join than running for our lives.”

  Veronica seemed to consider what she said. “I concede my point.”

  The group was silent again, another reminder about what lay beyond the light of the fire and the safety of their camp. Jackson didn’t like that it was over. He’d enjoyed the brief moment of relaxation, bonding with the people he thought were a moment away from leaving him behind.

  “If ya could have any kind of food, what would it be? I could go for a juicy T-bone, done rare. Baked potato with plenty of butter.”

  Veronica smiled at him, nodding that she understood what he was doing and appreciated the attempt. “Well mine would still be that BLT. Lorraine?”

  “I was always partial to lobster myself.”

  And with that the conversation started up again and Jackson found himself stretching his legs out towards the fire, getting more comfortable in his seat and the group. Trying did matter. And maybe all the stuff really was in his head because sitting here he didn’t feel a single set of eyes on him, judging him or thinking badly about him.

  Here he was one of them.

  Subject File # 749

  Subject: When my husband died, I thought any desire for men died with him. I never thought I’d be able to even look at another man, let alone kiss one.

  Administrator: But you have. Do you feel guilty?

  Subject: No. I will always love Eric but I realized how much of life I was missing out on by shutting that part of myself down. What’s the point of having a heart if you keep it closed?

  Janet sat in front of the fire, watching the breeze flow over the glowing embers. It looked like waves of orange and black were washing over the smouldering coals, brightening and darkening as the fresh oxygen fuelled them. The fire had become the new world’s equivalent of late night television. Something you watched when sleep was just out of reach and you couldn’t stand staring at your bedroom ceiling a moment longer.

  She glanced over her shoulder at the silhouette of the church’s steeple, the light of the quarter moon glinting off the metal cross at the top. She hadn’t seen inside the church but she could imagine what it looked like in there.

  She couldn’t sleep in the shadow of that mausoleum. Every time she closed her eyes, she pictured the mothers holding the cups to the mouths of their children. Brushing their hair as they sang to them, waiting for the poison to take them away.

  She couldn’t imagine being so lost--so hopeless--that she could take away not only her own chance at life, but her children’s chance. She had faith, she believed in God and Heaven of course, but she wasn’t in any hurry to reach the afterlife.

  If losing her husband had taught her anything, it was that she had every intention of living a nice long life. One long enough to see her children grow up and get married and have children of their own. She had to do it for Eric. She had to take it all in for him because he couldn’t be there to watch it himself.

  The sound of a zipper sliding open pulled her attention away from the church and she looked behind her to see Veronica and Jackson climbing out of the tent they shared with the girls. It was time for the changing of the guard. She exchanged a wave with them as they headed towards the church and the watch post in the parking lot.

  It didn’t take long before she heard the approaching footsteps of the relieved watch shift and Quinton and Alan emerged from the shadows.

  “Then Shorts found the sweet spot and I hit him like a goddamn bull’s-eye,” she heard Alan saying as the pair of them neared the fire. “He ran it in with one second left on the clock. That was the play that got the scouts attention and sealed my place in the draft. Man, I’d be on the field right now if hadn’t been for this damn sickness.”

  Oh yes, Alan’s lament over his lost opportunity to play in the NFL. Anyone who had spent time with Alan was familiar with his complaints. Quinton seemed unfazed by Alan running his mouth, which seemed strange if he had just spent four hours listening to it. He looked like he was a million miles away and hadn’t heard a single word Alan was saying.

  “Quiet out there?” she asked, trying to distract Alan from another round of I Could Have Been a Star, Ma!

  Quinton gave her a small smile, as if to say he knew what she was doing and he appreciated it. “Silent. Plenty of forest creatures scuttling around out there but no sign of people or freaks.”

  “We haven’t seen another person since we left the park,” she said. “I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.”

  “It’s still early.” Quinton said, taking a seat next to her, laying his rifle across his knees. “When people are scared, they crave the familiar. People will be sticking close to their homes and their towns. They won’t be on the move like we are. They’ll stay sitting ducks, fighting amongst themselves.”

  “He’s right,” Alan interjected. “It’s like when I was playing ball in high school and the college scouts came to watch. Every game before that, we were a team but the secon
d we heard the scout was in the stands, it was every man for himself and--”

  “You know Alan, Jenny was complaining about back spasms earlier,” Janet interrupted him. “You should go check on her.”

  “Alright, see you guys in the morning,” he said with a wave and headed back to his tent.

  “Thanks for that,” Quinton said with a grateful smile. “If I had to hear one more football story I was going to suture his mouth shut.”

  “I would have helped hold him down if that hadn’t worked,” she replied. “Can a man really be capable of relating every single thing that happens to football?”

  “I can’t believe he hasn’t figured out that none of us care.” She laughed at that. “Though it’s on us for being too polite to tell him to shut up.”

  “I’m gonna try that next time.”

  “I don’t know if even that would work. I think as long as he’s with us we’re going to have to suffer his stories.”

  “Probably,” Janet said. “Maybe you can ask Malcolm to schedule you opposite him tomorrow to give you a break.”

  His face instantly fell, his smile disappearing as he furrowed his brow.

  “Are you okay?”

  “Yes,” he replied and then shook his head. “No. I don’t know.”

  “Those are three very different answers,” she said, offering a gentle smile. “Do you want to talk about it?”

  He looked at her for a silent moment before shrugging his shoulders, his fingers pulling at the dead weeds on the ground beside him. “It’s just sibling stuff.

  “Well, that’s something I happen to have some experience with. I can help you spitball the problem if you want.”

  He looked down at the coals, tossing the dead weeds on top and watching as tiny flames licked up to burn them away.

  “I was originally scheduled for a shift with Veronica but she asked for a switch up so I got stuck with Alan.”

  “Might have been for the best,” she said, choosing her words carefully. “After what happened earlier maybe it’s better for you guys to take some time apart to cool off.”

  “You know, Veronica always thinks she knows better than me. She might be older but it doesn’t mean she’s always wiser.”

  Janet smirked, knowing that they were venturing into familiar territory for her.

  “Older siblings always do that, don’t they? Thinking they know better and you’re all ‘Hey, I know what’s good for me, not you.’”

  His gaze darted away and his shoulders hunched up. She knew that look. She’d seen it on the twins more times than she could count. It was the look of guilt.

  “Uh oh. Were you the one telling her what was good for her and she shut you down?”

  Quinton shrugged his shoulders again, telling her all she needed to know.

  “Nobody likes other people telling them they know best,” she told him and he scoffed.

  “Well, sometimes they need it, especially when they have blinders on about certain people.”

  And now we found the problem.

  “This about Jackson?”

  “She shouldn’t trust him. None of us should,” he cried out, his voice loud and she lifted a finger to her lips to remind him the others were sleeping.

  He shot to his feet, clearly needing to get his frustration out and with yelling off the table, pacing around the fire seemed to be the only way to do that.

  “I saw addicts all the time in the ER, I know what they’re like,” he hissed out. “You can’t turn your back on them for a second. They’d sell their souls for their fix.”

  “I’ve known addicts too,” Janet said. “The military can’t help but produce them. The soldiers who saw horrible things on deployment coming home and drinking to forget it all. The injured coming back and abusing pills to take the pain away. The wives trying to dull the pain of another year separated from their husbands. It’s a hard life and people look for an easy way out.”

  He stopped his pacing to wave a hand at her. “So you know what they’re like. You get it.”

  Janet nodded. “I also know what they’re like when they get help and start working to control it. Kicking their habit is one of the hardest things they will ever do. There is resilience in someone who can conquer that demon. I think that strength is something we could use right now.”

  “But what if we need him and he’s off getting high?”

  “He’s been sober for over a decade. That makes it less likely he’ll backslide.” She shrugged her shoulders. “I just think you should give him the benefit of the doubt for now. He’s done nothing to warrant the suspicions.”

  “It’s not just that,” he admitted before pausing, as if to gather his thoughts. “I don’t want Veronica to get too attached to Jackson. None of us know what’s going to happen from day to day. We’re trying to survive the best we can. The last thing any of us need is to get distracted. Relationships can make you lose sight of your goal. They’re a distraction and we can’t afford to be distracted now.”

  “I don’t know. Forming relationships could also work to your advantage.” At Quinton’s quizzical look, she continued. “Think about it. The deeper the bond between people, the more willing they are to look out for each other. You watch the back of the people you care about. The more people you let in, the more people you have to watch your back.”

  He bent down to pick up his rifle, staring at the stock as he ran his fingers over it.

  “I watched my father get shot through the head defending his home from men who just wanted to watch the world burn. I felt his blood spray my face and I held him while he bled out.”

  Tears sprang to her eyes and her vision blurred, the orange glow of the fire at his feet casting an aura around him as he continued to speak.

  “I didn’t even have a chance to wipe his blood off of me before I saw my mother in a pool of her own blood with half her face torn off. I had to leave both their bodies behind to burn because I had to save my sisters.”

  She had heard the Alpert’s story when they had first joined the group but it had only been a brief telling, glossing over the details. She remembered Claudia when she had first arrived at the park. The silent girl with haunted eyes that stared off at nothing had broken her heart.

  Everyone that had survived this long had their defining moment. The moment when you knew without a doubt that you were living in a new world. For her it had been the soldiers exterminating the civilians on the highway she had been camping out on. For the Alperts, it had been watching their parents die.

  “After seeing them die, I don’t know if I can let anyone else in. I don’t want to go through that loss again. My sisters, they’re already in there but I don’t want to make room for anyone else. I don’t know if it’s worth it.”

  She wiped away her tears and pushed herself to her feet, crossing the short distance between them until she was toe to toe with him. She reached up, curling a hand around the back of his neck, and pulled him down into a kiss.

  He was stock still as she kissed him but just as she was about to pull away, he put the rifle down at his side and put his hand on her waist, stepping into her as his mouth opened so his tongue could coax her mouth open.

  It was the first kiss she had, had since her husband had passed. Though she had opportunities to date since he had died, she hadn’t gone for any of them. None of the men had felt right. From the moment she had met Eric, she had felt like they fit together perfectly and she wanted that again.

  When she had first met Quinton she had that same feeling. Well, maybe not the exact moment she had met him. He’d been yelling at her brother, after all, but after that, when he had heard his mute sister speak again, that’s when she had felt it.

  The joy that had lit up his face had brought her to tears. He had smiled, dimples appearing beneath the freckles that dotted his cheeks and his green eyes had been so alive. She had wanted to kiss him back then and she had dreamt of doing it many times since, but none of her fantasies lived up to the reality.


  He made her dizzy as he kissed her, basking in the taste of her as if she was an exquisite flavour. She felt desire course through her veins, warming places that had been cold for too long. She wanted to take him here and now. Welcome him inside her like he was coming home.

  She broke the kiss, but she stayed close, their panting breath warming their faces as they tried to catch their breath.

  “It’s worth it,” she whispered and she sensed more than saw his frown of confusion. “Letting people in is worth it. If we don’t do that, if we stop caring and loving and feeling, there’s no point in surviving. That’s what living is all about. Surviving without living is pointless.”

  He leaned down and pressed a small kiss against her parted lips. “I get it, I do, but I don’t know if I can anymore. It’s not that I don’t want to, because I really do, but I can’t feel it. Not right now.”

  He let go of her and took a step back.

  “Maybe when things are different. Maybe once we’re somewhere safe, where we can take a moment to breathe and let our guard down, maybe then I can do it.” He picked up his rifle and took another step away from her. “Until then, I’m sorry but I can’t.”

  He turned and headed to his tent. She stood beside the dying fire, her lips still swollen from his kiss and having no idea what the hell had just happened.

  Talk about hot and cold.

  But then, should she be expecting anything else? She had taken him by surprise and just because a man had a physical desire for you, it didn’t mean he wanted you. You could appreciate things you didn’t want.

  Plus, all of them were messed up in the head. It was impossible not to be in this world. They still had a ways to go before they were truly safe and there were a million things that could happen between now and then.

  Maybe focusing on just surviving was the right thing to do for now...but didn’t that just make her a hypocrite?

  She sat back down in front of the fire knowing that there was definitely no falling asleep after this.

  Subject File #742