by Hailey Smoke
Me? Pregnant? I always wanted kids, but I never thought I’d have any so soon. “I’m fine,” I said slowly, trying to regain awareness. “I’m pregnant.”
“You sure are.” Virgo smiled a little. “Want to sit down?”
I nodded and was led to the couch and she let me zone out a bit.
“What are you feeling?” She asked.
“I’m feeling weird,” I admitted.
“You don’t have to have everything figured out now,” she explained calmly. “You have a lot of options.”
“I think…” The idea was slow forming but became clearer and clearer to me. “I think I want to have this baby.” Maybe if you asked the Lydia I was when this whole thing started if I was ready to have children, I would have said no. But ever since my relationship with Taylor became real, more and more I wanted him to be my family and to make a new family with him.
Virgo gasped, her calm demeanor so far dropping. “Does that mean I can be a godmother?”
I laughed, a kind of strange light feeling bubbling through me. “Of course.”
“I’m so happy for you Lydia.” She shook my shoulders. “When are you going to tell Taylor?”
The flow of happiness I was feeling suddenly stopped. “I should probably tell him soon.”
“Why not tonight?” She asked.
“It’s because of the thing I can’t really talk about. He’s stressed about it; I don’t want to add this onto it. We’re going to have to start planning and scheduling appointments. I don’t want to put that on us yet until this thing is over.” I wondered how Taylor would react to the news, though. Would he be excited, or would he think he couldn’t be a father? If he thought that, then I’d have to get him to see that I knew he could be a good father. We went to couples’ therapy for a reason.
“I won’t tell anyone either.” Virgo crossed her heart. “Not even Michael.”
“You are the greatest Virgo.”
“I know.”
***
When Taylor came home later that night, I was trying my best to look as casual as possible. I lounged in the entertainment room watching something I hadn't really paid attention to.
When he got into view, he began stroking my face. “What do you want from me tonight?” He asked and then leaned down to put kisses in the crook of my neck. He only did that because he knew I was ticklish. I giggled a bit, but I didn’t want this tonight.
“I think I just want to relax.” I looked up at him and he smiled.
He immediately began disentangling himself from me and instead settled comfortably beside me on the couch. I loved how Taylor would listen to me like this and immediately made me feel safe. I would do the same for him in a heartbeat. “Something on your mind?”
I tried not to look surprised at the comment. It was a normal thing to ask. I probably did look like I wasn’t entirely focusing on the show. Still it was hard for me to keep this from him. I loved to do surprises but was terrible at keeping them. I had held back on his early Christmas gift for this long, but this felt way more important than a present. I had to know how he would react. Maybe there was a way I could know without revealing the secret inside of me.
“Lydia?” He called.
“Oh. Sorry. I do have a lot on my mind,” I admitted.
“You can tell me anything,” he took my hands, looking at me tenderly.
“I was just wondering,” I began, “If one day, you wanted to start a family with me.”
“A family?” He said and I suddenly remembered the whole reason we got married in the first place. His grandfather wanted heirs, but Taylor didn’t want children. He was willing to fake a pregnancy to get out of it.
“Yeah.” I tried to keep my concern from my face.
“I’ve never wanted children,” he said, and I sucked in a breath.
“Sorry for bringing it up, I know it’s a sore subject,” I started to stumble over my words.
“I wasn’t finished.”
I stopped my ramble and saw Taylor’s small smile.
“I didn’t want children because I thought I was a terrible person, and thus I’d be a terrible dad.”
“You never were a terrible person,” I insisted.
“I feel better about that now. I also didn’t want children just because my grandfather did. If I ever had kids, it would be because I wanted to. And Lydia, I want to. With you.” He wasn’t a very passionate speaker but there was passion in his words.
I felt tears slip from my eyes. “Taylor.”
“Now don’t worry about it,” he said, his voice returning to his neutral tone. “We might not have to worry about that for years.”
“Yeah.” I agreed, but as we sat and watched whatever terrible show had come on when I wasn’t paying attention, I couldn’t help but let my hand wander to my stomach.
***
“Where are you taking me?” Taylor asked from the passenger seat of his car.
I was driving today and didn’t tell him where we were going. He trusted me enough to get into the car with what little I’d tell him. “You’ll figure it out once we get there.”
“Is this part of the surprise you keep mentioning despite the fact talking about it is counter to the very idea of a surprise?” He asked.
My face burned a little. “Maybe.” He had guessed it in one.
Once we got into Chicago, I drove to the building’s parking garage. I led him up into the Sew Fit offices. The most he mentioned about it was a raised eyebrow but followed me without complaint.
Once we were at my station, without prefacing it, I handed him a hanger with a suit hanging off of it, the same one he modeled for me before.
He smiled and started stripping in front of me again. Once again, I enjoyed the show. He put on the suit that I had tailored perfectly for him. The light blue of the suit contrasted well with his dark hair and eyes, making them stand out all the more. He put his hands in his pockets and seemed to pose for me. “How does it look?”
I moved towards him, I couldn’t help it, I was attracted to him. I ran my hands down the front of his suit. It actually fit him, everywhere. And even though I didn’t want to, I also made sure the arms were right. It was great to finally see him in something that fit. It made all the difference. It made his broad shoulders and toned body more apparent.
“How do you like it?” I asked in a breathy voice, I couldn’t hide my desire with him looking like that.
“It fits.” He dragged his fingers through his hair in an obvious show of how the jacket raised with his arm, exposing the dress shirt slowly untucking from his pants.
“I’ve been thinking about what you said, about having a real marriage. And ever since Sew Fit got your loan, I’ve been able to hire people to share the load. So, I’ve been designing again.”
“This is yours? I thought you were just fitting something one of your designers made,” he looked over it again. “You’re good at this Lydia.”
“I was wondering if you wanted me to design your suit for our real wedding,” I asked.
“Of course,” he said. “Last time I wore a suit you made too.”
“I know, for the ruse.” I remembered being so upset.
“Yeah. And because the suit was well designed. I wanted to look great in the photos we leaked.”
“You should have told me that sooner.”
“Things have changed a lot since then.”
“This is yours, by the way,” I said. “This is the surprise. A one of a kind Lydia suit, for my husband.”
“It’s great.” He huffed out a small laugh. “I hope you don’t have any more surprises planned. I haven’t decided what mine should be.”
“Now you’re the one ruining the surprise, I had no idea you were planning on it.” We laughed some more but my thoughts kept drifting down to the test sitting at the bottom of Virgo’s bathroom trash can and what we had created.
Chapter 16: Taylor
I got dressed that morning in one of my older formal suits.
It was traditional black and white, the kind you would wear to a wedding or a funeral. I felt like I was getting ready for a funeral. I made sure everything about me was immaculate. Today I would be seeing my mother face to face. I knew, somewhere inside me, that this would be the last time I would ever see her. I wanted there to be nothing to regret about the meeting.
Lydia also got dressed very simply. She wore a long, dark purple dress and over it wore a heavy coat to face the Chicago winter winds. She and I silently got ready; the air heavy between us. I knew she would support me through anything, but I knew how this must look to her. She must have seen this as me hurting myself. She might have been right. I just knew I would carry the heaviness over me for the rest of my life if I didn’t do this.
When we got into the car, I gripped the steering wheel for a few moments before starting the car.
“Are you ready?” Lydia asked. She’d been asking the same question in different forms ever since I told her what I planned to do.
My answer was always the same too. “Maybe.”
My mother lived in one of the nicest apartment buildings in Chicago. She had never worked her entire life, just lived off of the Hirano fortune. I had asked my grandfather when a good time would be to see her. Asking in a vague enough way that he couldn’t warn her.
We took the elevator up to her penthouse apartment. Through the clear glass we could see all of the city, dark in the early cloudy morning. A few traces of sunlight gleaming off some of the tallest skyscrapers.
When we reached her door, I brought myself to knock before I could change my mind. After several moments, the door opened and there stood my mom. She was wrapped in furs and wore a silk dressing gown. When her eyes saw me, I couldn’t read what was in them. When she glanced at Lydia however, there was a flash of something. Anger maybe? Hate, more likely.
“I need to speak to you, Hana.” I wouldn’t call her mother ever again.
“Come in, son.” She let us in and shut the door behind us.
Lydia kept true to her word. She didn’t say anything, but the presence of her hand on my back steadied me. I wasn’t sure why, but I could tell my mother wasn’t moving on me like she had in my home. She kept glancing at Lydia. I would’ve wanted to know more, but after this I was done with thinking about her if I could help it.
“Hana,” I said. “Do you have anything to tell me?” I waited as she hesitated. I wanted to know if she would even bother to apologize.
“I want you to stop this,” she said, her voice harsher than I remembered as a kid. “You never visit. You never ask how I am.”
I was worried last night, as I laid awake, unsleeping, that I would panic or lose myself, but instead I felt a different emotion: anger. “Why do you think that is Hana? Do you think I should just forget?”
“It was years ago. I’m getting older…”
I interrupted her with a harsh laugh. She was probably afraid of dying alone with no husband and no child. “You haven’t changed. But I have.” I felt Lydia grab onto the back of my suit. “I will never come back here Hana. And I never want to see you again. I’m going to tell both my father and my grandfather what you did to me.”
“No,” she cried and lunged forward.
Lydia stepped between us pushing her back away from me. I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding.
“And I will tell them I never want you near me again. I don’t want to get the courts involved but if I ever catch you on my property or at Hirano Enterprises, I will get a restraining order. It will be your lawyer against mine. And I’ll be CEO soon. I won’t keep funneling a stipend to you like grandfather had been doing for years.” I had learned about that a few years back and kept quiet. “Let’s go,” I turned and said to Lydia. She nodded and followed me towards the door.
“Taylor Hirano.” My mother said and I turned slightly, giving her one last chance before I left forever. She didn’t deserve it. “You are ruining my life.” Her voice was so full of venom. I couldn’t bring myself to summon the anger I had before, I almost pitied her.
“You raped me.” I said. I finally said the word I had always hesitated to use.
Without saying goodbye, I opened the door and Lydia and I left.
We walked down to the car in silence. Once inside and buckled, I was about to start the car, but my hands trembled. The shaking took over my entire body and soon I let tears fall from my eyes.
“Taylor,” Lydia murmured softly, rubbing circles into my palm. “You are so brave.”
I didn’t feel that way. But I was right, I did feel like something hanging over me was gone forever. Mrs. Tupp often said that healing was a lifelong process that never truly ended or ever went one direction. I used to see that as discouraging. I always thought that meant I would never be complete, that I’d always be broken. Now I was looking forward to a life of getting better with Lydia.
My crying slowly came to a stop. I wiped my eyes and started the car.
“What are we doing next?” Lydia asked.
“I’m going to go see my father.”
“On the same day?” She asked, somewhat shocked.
“I let him know the other day that I planned on coming over today, to meet his wife. And so, you could get to know him better since the last visit was cut off so short.” I remembered that phone call. It has started off awkward. I had no idea how to talk to him. We were both too old to start endearments or speak like a father and son should. But he was clearly excited to see me, which was more than I had hoped for. “I heard they have two Weiner dogs.”
“Really?” Lydia’s eyes lit up.
Dog people. I smiled.
***
My father lived on the other side of town in a small house that was almost as old as the city. The houses on the street were incredibly close to each other and the street itself was one of the few bricked streets left. It was a lovely looking neighborhood that must be covered in plants and vining ivy when it wasn’t so cold.
Somehow, I felt more nervous knocking on my father’s door than my mother’s. Maybe it was because I knew how final my meeting with Hana was. But this could be the beginning of a relationship I never got to have, a relationship that was stolen from me.
The door opened wide and my father stood with a fluffy, black Weiner dog in his arms. My dad was smiling in a way I’d never seen him do before. “Taylor and Lydia, come in.”
“Hey buddy.” Lydia immediately zeroed in on the dog.
“That’s Zeke.” My dad explained. “Pepper is the one with short brown hair that’s hiding under the table. She doesn’t like guests. But Zeke loves guests and loves to escape when the door is open.” When my dad shut the door behind him, he let the dog down. Zeke immediately began circling around Lydia who was delighted.
“It’s nice to see you again, Mr. Hayes,” Lydia said, shaking his hand.
“Call me Lincoln,” my father insisted.
“Father.” The word felt weird in my mouth. “It’s good to see you.”
He brightened up considerably. “I know you both are so busy, but I hope you can visit more.”
My throat suddenly went tight. I cleared it. “I think we would both like that.”
He took us to his living room that was smartly designed. Inside was a pretty woman with incredibly short blonde hair and a few tattoos on her arms. She looked to be around the same age as my father. He sat down next to her and immediately they took each other's hands in a way that looked natural.
“This is Carol.” He gestured to his wife. “And Carol this is Taylor, my son, and Lydia my wife.”
“I have seen you before,” Lydia said. “I pass you in the elevator all the time. I always think to myself that your tattoos are so cool.”
“Aw, thanks. And I’ve seen you too,” Carol had a nice voice that had a rough edge to it. I felt weird thinking about it, but my first thought was that she was nothing like Hana. “It’s always funny to see a rack of fancy clothes in the elevator on my way to work.”
&nb
sp; “You’re a private home decorator, right?” Lydia said.
“Yes,” Carol said. Both of them started going on about their jobs and telling jokes I couldn’t quite follow about the building they both worked in.
“Can I get you anything to drink?” My father looked at us.
“A water would be nice,” Lydia asked before jumping back into the fire alarm story again.
“Anything for you, Taylor?”
“I’ll come with you,” I said, deciding at that moment.
We went back to the kitchen together, the faint chattering of our wives felt distant even though we hadn’t gone too far.
“I talked to Hana today.” I decided to speak about it plainly.
My dad’s face fell, clearly thinking about his ex-wife. I would have to ask him one day about why they split, maybe one day when things between us were better.
“I told her I never want to see her again. And one day maybe I’ll tell you why.” I couldn’t keep my voice steady.
“Taylor.” He looked conflicted. He wanted to ask. He wanted to say something. “Whenever you’re ready.”
“I just wanted you to know that you don’t need to bring her to see me. I don’t ever want her around.” I paused. “I want you to try having you around.”
“I would love that, son.” He put a hand on my shoulder and even after all my work I still flinched. Healing was definitely a process.
“I think Lydia would love for you and Carol to come visit more. She’s been wanting me to ask you to come to our Christmas party, and I agree. Both you and Carol can come if you want.”
“Carol and Lydia get on like a house on fire.” My father laughed.
We went back to the living room with drinks and spent almost two hours talking and catching up. It was obvious how much Carol loved my dad and how much he loved her back. I remembered what Lydia said about starting a family.
My phone rang, interrupting a story about their wedding. They apparently also had a courthouse wedding. I checked and saw it was my grandfather. I had planned on speaking to him privately some other day and telling him the full truth about Hana. Hopefully this was just business.
“I have to take this,” I said apologetically and went out the front door to take the call in peace.