Love's Neglect

by Flynn Eire

  “Let’s get you to the infirmary,” he offered. I nodded, and he wrapped an arm around me and helped me up. He had to half carry me back inside, my body not responding to me. I was grateful Roarke didn’t come back down the same main hall at least. Then we made a right and were in the clear. I stumbled along with Zibon, mostly leaning on him.

  Sam was there as we entered, his eyes wide with concern as he rushed over to help me. “What happened?”

  “I don’t know,” Zibon answered. “I found him outside in the rain, vomit everywhere, and he was still trying to puke. He said he thinks he ate something bad.”

  “We don’t really get food poisoning,” Sam muttered under his breath. My eyes snapped to his, and I just about begged him, without saying a word, to cut me a break. I saw understanding fill them. “Could be the weather combined with eating too close to intense exercise. I’ll give him a workup. Tell Matteo Wally’s out for the day and I’ll come see him later.”

  “Yeah, of course.” Zibon nodded and then patted my shoulder. “Feel better, Wally. We need you.”

  Sam waited until Zibon was gone and we were alone in the infirmary before he pulled over a rolling stool and sat down. “Was it really something you ate? Because if it was, I have to warn the kitchen. It’s rare something could effect a vampire like what Zibon was—”

  “No,” I choked out, barely keeping my shit together. “I was an idiot. I got played.”

  “Emotional then,” Sam sighed, brushing my hair off my forehead. “Oh, Wally. We’re all idiots.” I shook my head as I curled into a ball on my side. “If you promise to hydrate after puking like that, I’ll give you an exhaustion diagnosis so you get a day to lick your wounds, okay?” I blinked up at him, shocked he was being so understanding. He simply gave me a sad smile. “Hon, you aren’t the first to show up here sick when we don’t get sick. As I said, we’re all idiots one time or another.”

  “Thanks. I’ll hydrate,” I muttered.

  “Okay, but you’re doing it from here where I can watch you until you’re better enough to rest in your own room,” he hedged. Then he ran his hand over my hair in a very big-brother-like gesture. “Any chance you’ll tell me what happened?” I shook my head and he sighed again. “I didn’t think so. Let me go grab you an IV so you can rest and get fluids that way.”

  I nodded but then I was out moments later, the stress to my body and heart crashing down on me. God, I was such a fool.

  * * * *

  Matteo checked on me in my room later that night, asking if there was anything he could do. I assured him I was fine, probably just the weather, trying to stuff meals in my face in between all the rushing around, and chopping month catching up to me. I wasn’t sure he bought it, but before he left, he gave me light duty for the rest of the week and told me to keep him updated on how I was feeling.

  I slept like the dead, needing that more than anything after weeks of barely getting any to be with Roarke. No, that wasn’t salt in the wound. I probably was suffering from exhaustion, burning the candle at both ends for so many weeks in a row because of that asshole. But it had been worth it when I’d been falling in love with someone I thought cared for me but was just unable to show it publicly.

  This was a whole different can of worms. One that just about killed me inside.

  The next day I reported to Matteo who had me help Dimitri set up an indoor workout station thing for the pre-trans in one of the gyms. That was fine with me since I wanted to be alone with my thoughts and pain more than anything. I ducked into the equipment cages about halfway through setting up to get more cones when strong arms wrapped around from behind me.

  “I heard you were helping in here today,” Roarke hissed as he ground against me, kissing my neck. “You didn’t come to my room last night. What happened?”

  I was so shocked I didn’t react or say anything at first. Right, he hadn’t known I’d heard anything. Of course. Then his hand moved to cup my groin and I almost threw up again. Instead I elbowed him hard. “Don’t touch me.”

  “What?” he grunted as he moved back. I turned around and shoved him as hard as I could and he stumbled back against the fencing that divided the equipment. He found his feet as anger filled his eyes. “What the fuck is going on with you, Wally?”

  “What, not obedient enough for you?” I sneered, trying to ignore the way my eyes burned. “Shocked I’m not giving you anything, anyway, anytime you want it, begging for it?” His face lost the anger in a flash and he blinked at me. “You’re such an asshole. Here I think we have something and you’re laughing about me behind my back.” I watched as Roarke’s face drained of any color as his eyes went wide, realizing probably why those words sounded so familiar.

  “Wally, wait, I can explain.”

  “Explain what? That you played me? I’m all caught up on that, thanks.” I grabbed the cones and stormed out of the equipment area.

  “No, that’s not—”

  I spun around on him, smacking him with one of the plastic orange cones. “What’s so wrong with me that it would be so crazy to tell people we were seeing each other? It wasn’t just sex. You asked about me, tried to help me. I was there for you. We were like a couple except you didn’t act like that with people. Here I’m thinking it’s just because you’re new here and you wanted to find your footing or something. But no, you were totally playing me. I’m such an idiot to have bought your shit.”

  “It’s wasn’t shit.”

  “Really? How can you stand there and say that?” I bellowed. “You tell your new friends anything better about me than what I heard on that phone call to your buddy from back at your last camp?” He didn’t need to answer. It was all over his face. No. “Exactly. I’m waiting for you to open up and make us something real, thinking we were but we just hadn’t gone public yet, and I’m just the idiot who didn’t know. And I gave you my virginity of all things.”

  “My god why?” he breathed. I stared at him with an open mouth, his question stalling my rant. “Why would you give a guy like me your virginity, Wally? I was banging my way through the camp when you met me. Only an id—”

  I turned away as if he’d slapped me. He hadn’t cut himself off in time for me not to figure out what he’d been about to say there. “Yeah, well, I am an idiot. Obviously, Roarke. I gave you more than that. I made the mistake of falling for you too. So thanks. Way to rub that in. Whatever, it’s done. We’re over. I’m not begging for shit from you anymore.”

  I stormed away, dropping the cones by the station, and brushing past him to get more supplies. He grabbed my arm and I tried to pull away. “No, it’s not over. Not like this. Would you let me explain?”

  “No. I need to tell Dimitri—”

  I gasped as he shoved me up against the gym wall and pinned my arms over my head, his fangs out, and in my face. “You are not going to go running to your warrior friends and go snitching on me because your heart got broken. I’m not transferring again because you gave your virginity to someone who invited you over for a booty call and you didn’t even warn them. I never promised you anything, never said we were more than fucking. Don’t put this on me. You’re not throwing me under the bus for this.”

  “Fuck you, Roarke,” I choked out, tears filling my eyes. “I didn’t tell anyone. I need to tell Dimitri that his stations are done soon. He’s waiting for me. I don’t have time to listen to your bullshit. So just leave me alone. Nice fucking priorities you have. I did try to tell you but you kept talking over me. I just wanted to be with you and you’re the first person I wanted to be with like that so I thought that’s all that mattered. I won’t tell so just go, okay?”

  I yanked my hands away not caring how much it hurt to break his hold. His mouth fell open and he stared at my hands as they fisted at my sides, his fangs receding. But he didn’t move. I shoved him as hard as I could.

  “Just leave me alone!” I screeched, hating the octave of my voice or that I’d lost it in front of him. “I’m not your plaything anymore. You
never cared for me and wanted a piece of ass. I get it. Just go.” Still he didn’t move so I shoved past him and went back into the equipment cage. He didn’t follow me this time but I could smell him in the gym.

  Unfortunately he wasn’t gone when a sob slipped past my lips I couldn’t swallow down. I hadn’t even realized it until I’d said it to him in anger, but I had fallen for him. I was in love with Roarke and I was nothing to him. How stupid could I be?

  It took me a few minutes to get myself under some semblance of control and then I hurried to grab more equipment. Roarke was gone when I came back out of the cage. I wasn’t sure if that hurt worse or made it easier for me. Maybe it just solidified to me that I wasn’t worth anything, or hell, fighting for.

  Either way, I had to haul ass to get everything set up before lunch, then I booked it over to the cafeteria to find Dimitri. He was sitting with his usual group, and I tried not to notice Roarke was at the next table over with his friends, his eyes watching me intently.

  Wow, now he didn’t even trust I wouldn’t tell.

  “Wally, are you okay?” Dimitri asked, his eyes wide as I approached. Well that just confirmed I looked about as great as I felt.

  I wiped my face and nodded. “Yeah fine. I stubbed my toe in the cage.”

  “On what? An ax that cut it off?” Matteo pushed.

  “Nope, just some equipment that jumped out at me,” I lied through my teeth. “Everything’s set up, Dimitri. You need anything else?”

  “No, I’m good,” Dimitri hedged, glancing at Matteo.

  “Then I’m going to go study up on those gear lists and escort manuals Helios wants us to know cover-to-cover if that’s cool,” I said to Matteo. He looked at me funny and I wanted to groan. He could see auras. Right. He was probably studying mine.

  “Wally, do you want to talk later?” he muttered. I shook my head. “Come on, talk to us. Something’s going on. Yesterday you’re in the infirmary with exhaustion.” Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Roarke’s head snap over to look at me before he focused on Matteo again. Great, now he knew about that too. “And today you stub your toe. What’s the deal, man?”

  “Nothing. Tired. Too much going on and tried to learn it all at once.” I shrugged again. “Anyone need anything else?”

  “You aced your test,” Rune offered as if trying to give me good news. “You were so busy with chopping month we’ve not had a chance to talk about that. You’re qualified to fly the drones now. Do you want to schedule some time to practice tomorrow?”

  A few weeks ago I would have jumped at the chance for that. But now… “No, I’m good. Thanks for telling me about my results. I’m just going to go study.” I ignored their hanging open mouths—and Roarke’s—and hurried over to the prepared food case, grabbed a few sandwiches I doubted I’d even eat, some pop, and got the hell out of there.

  I didn’t end up studying. I just went to my room and laid down, staring out the window and tried to not think or feel anything. It didn’t work but at least I caught up on some more sleep.

  I pretty much avoided leaving my room after my run-in with Roarke. The next few days I hid out there unless I had a direct assignment to be somewhere. I never went into the cafeteria. It wasn’t like I was hungry or anything. I picked up my blood rations from Sam and those I actually drank because I could hurt someone if I didn’t have the blood I needed in me.

  He gave me a few off looks but didn’t push or ask me what was going on. I knew I looked like a mess. My clothes were getting baggy from not eating for days, not working out. As much as I was sleeping it didn’t look it. My eyes were all puffy because as much as I tried not to cry I swear my ducts just kept leaking somehow. I didn’t even realize it was happening. My cheeks would just be wet.

  Which was funny because I barely was hydrating so not sure where they were getting the liquids from.

  Finally it hit me. The answer was simple. I would do what Roarke was so afraid of. I couldn’t stand to see him… So go where he wasn’t. The idea got me so excited that I actually jumped out of bed that morning and hurried to Alexander’s office after I showered and everything because we all knew he liked to get in and check on things before going to breakfast.

  Sure enough he was sitting at his desk typing when I knocked at the door. “Come in.”

  “Um, hi, Alexander, sir.”

  “Wally, haven’t seen much of you,” he hedged, glancing up. He waved me in. “Shut the door.”

  I did and stepped closer. “I wanted to talk to you about transferring camps. What would I have to do to make that happen?”

  A deep frown formed on Alexander’s face. “Wally, post-trans cannot transfer. Your training must be completed before you are allowed to change locations. Otherwise you could have to repeat some training or be behind depending on where their post-trans are. It’s too much of a logistics nightmare so we don’t allow it.”

  “Oh, right, that makes sense,” I whispered, bobbing my head as my heart sank. “Okay, well, sorry to have bothered you.” I started to turn towards the door.

  “Wally, wait. Sit.” I cringed but still took the seat across from his desk. “Is this about Dimitri laying into you over your interaction with that human?”

  “What? No,” I gasped, my head jerking up to look at him.

  “Are you sure? I know he was extra hard on you during chopping month to make an example of your behavior but you have to know it was not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. Your record is exemplary. I have warriors lined up asking for you to rotate in on their services and—”

  “It has nothing to do with that, Alexander,” I muttered, rubbing my arms. “Dimitri and I are cool. I should have been better prepared.”

  “It was not his punishments that have led to this exhaustion and change in your dedication? The guilt he has been feeling has been eating at him.”

  “No, it’s nothing to do with him,” I assured him. “I just want a change of scenery.” Then I thought of something else that was a better lie. “This wasn’t the closest camp to my home coven but I came here because it was the best. I just thought maybe I could finish up closer to home.” I hadn’t missed my family at all since I’d left so that was a joke. I’d wanted to move far from them.

  “If you are homesick, we could maybe arrange a visitation,” Alexander hedged. “Some of the other trainees have had them.”

  “Yeah, maybe. Should have thought about that before the weather was getting bad. I’m fine. I just thought I’d ask.” I pushed back the chair. “Sorry to have worried Dimitri. I’m really fine. I’ll let you get back to work.”

  I jumped up and hurried out of there before he could ask me anything else or push me for more info. I heard him call after me, but I kept going. If it was really something important, he would have come after me, but he didn’t.

  Unfortunately Roarke was standing right there at the end of the hall of offices in the command center and there was no way around him. He glanced from me to Alexander’s open door, frowning. I rubbed my chest, realizing he was worried I was telling the warrior in charge what had happened. That was really all he cared about.

  “I didn’t say anything,” I hissed, not even slowing down. “God, that really is all you care about.”

  “I didn’t say that,” he muttered, not letting me by. “I wasn’t even thinking that. I was worried why you were in there. That’s all.”

  “Right,” I snorted as I looked up at him, narrowing my eyes at him. “Because I’d snitch that you were a dick to me. News flash, they wouldn’t ask you to transfer over that. They wouldn’t care. Now move.”

  “No, not until you tell me why you got called to Alexander’s office.”

  I glanced around, realizing people would be starting work soon and I didn’t want them to see this. I was shocked Roarke would risk that. “I asked to be transferred out of here.” Roarke’s eyes bugged out. “But apparently post-trans can’t because it’s not set training and would disrupt when we’d finish. So I’m stuck here, s
eeing you every time I leave my room. Hearing you laugh about me to your friend in my head when I look at you.”

  “Wally, please, can we talk?” he whispered, reaching out to touch me. I smacked away his hand and he frowned. “It’s not what you think.”

  “Right, because what you said after made that abundantly clear I ever mattered to you.” I didn’t care who was around then, I shoved past him and kept going. I loaded up on some supplies from the cafeteria now that I knew he wasn’t there, stopping long enough to get a hot meal because for once I was actually hungry.

  But it was like putting a tiny bandage on a huge gash that was practically severing a limb and I didn’t know what to do about it. And it wasn’t like I could talk to anyone about it. I told Roarke I wouldn’t tell… Not that I should owe him any loyalty, but god forgive me, I loved him. So I would carry this whole mess alone until I got over it or it ate me alive.

  I had a feeling it would be the latter.

  6

  Guessing what had happened with Roarke was going to eat me inside until I was hollow had been a pretty good prediction. I completely withdrew from everything. Unless I was ordered to be somewhere or there was mandatory training, I was in my room. I didn’t even try to go find assignments or help out anymore. I just didn’t care. It went on for days and days.

  So when I got called to Matteo’s office, I knew I was getting my ass handed to me or kicked out. I wasn’t sure which or if I cared now that I’d spiraled so far down into my pit of despair. I had to see my worst mistake, source of humiliation, and the man I loved every time I left my room… Oh, and they were all the same thing and he was everywhere I looked. Yeah, that wasn’t like getting kicked in the nuts with every breath I took.

  “I’m saying you need to fix this, Roarke!” Matteo bellowed. I was still a good ways down the hall from his office and I heard him loud and clear. Hell, the windows shook he was so loud. “One of my star post-trans has gone so far off the deep end we’re worried about him being around weapons or swords because we don’t know what he’d do right now. We’ve taken him off any kind of training or assignment where he’d be alone with them.”