Much Ado About Many Things

by Sophie Lynbrook

  Their visitors rose to depart, with Mr. Collins bowing some more and repeating his promise of returning on the next morning. Mr. Darcy thought that it was rather like watching a performance. There was such excessive foolishness in the man that he was very much like a character in a comic play. But he was all too real, and all too great a threat to Elizabeth’s happiness, which was of the utmost importance. That was the fact of it. Mr. Darcy could not be indifferent to her fate. And therein lay a problem. He could not bear to see her attached to this dreadful man for a lifetime of suffering.

  “What a delightful encounter that was,” Miss Bingley said after the door had closed behind their visitors. She looked maliciously at Elizabeth. “You must be very pleased by this reconciliation with your cousin.”

  “It is a sorry thing to have dissension within a family.”

  Mr. Darcy guessed that the indifference in Elizabeth’s voice had taken some effort.

  “It is very sad indeed,” Mrs. Hurst said. “Mr. Collins is to be commended for his eagerness to heal the breach.”

  Her emphasis on the word eagerness did not escape Mr. Darcy. Nor did the derisive smiles which she and Miss Bingley exchanged. He saw that Elizabeth was nettled by these remarks, and justifiably so, but she made no further reply. It was her sister who carried on the conversation for a few more minutes, and then they both left the room, with Elizabeth suddenly excusing herself, and Jane following after a moment.

  Mr. Darcy felt an inclination to remonstrate with Miss Bingley and Mrs. Hurst, but he could neither be so rude to his hostesses nor expose himself in that way.

  Fortunately, Mr. Hurst complained that they should have already gone out if they were to have any sport today, which provided Mr. Darcy with a welcome excuse for removing himself from this poisonous atmosphere. He exited the room as eagerly as Mr. Collins had entered it and went to find some relief in the fresh air.

  CHAPTER 8

  Double, double toil and trouble; fire burn, and cauldron bubble.

  MACBETH, ACT IV, SCENE I

  “Well, this has been an entertaining morning,” Miss Bingley said to her sister once they had the drawing room to themselves. “I have never met such a ridiculous man as Mr. Collins.”

  “He was absurd,” Mrs. Hurst agreed. “Very full of himself, especially for such a stupid and insignificant person. I did not care for his presumption in trying to flatter us. As though we require his approval.”

  “No, indeed, but it was worth suffering his toadying for the pleasure of seeing the humiliation on Miss Eliza’s face.”

  “Oh, that was diverting. She looked so uncomfortable.”

  “Especially when he as good as announced his intention of marrying her. I do not know when I was better amused. Or more satisfied. Mr. Darcy will not admire her fine eyes once she is the wife of Mr. Collins.”

  “Do you really think she will have him? It was clear that she did not care for his attentions toward her this morning.”

  “She will have no choice in the matter. Her mother will order her to accept him. Mrs. Bennet is obviously very keen upon the match. She was in a great hurry for them to meet.”

  “She was.” Mrs. Hurst nodded. “I thought it excessively rude of her to bring him here for that purpose. And then she had the presumption to foist the dreadful man upon us for our play. Do you think Mr. Collins capable of learning a part?”

  “No, but it will be all the more amusing if he does not. I shall enjoy seeing Eliza Bennet suffer further humiliation.”

  “That will be some consolation for having to put up with him, although it is rather a pity that he did not set his sights upon Jane instead. That would have been an excellent solution to our problem.”

  “Now that you mention this, I think it strange that he did not. It seems to me that somebody as pompous as Mr. Collins would prefer the eldest sister.”

  “Jane is the prettiest as well. It does seem remarkable that he chose Eliza over her.”

  “I am wondering if something or somebody dictated his choice. Do you suppose that Mrs. Bennet told him Jane was already spoken for?”

  “Of course she did!” Mrs. Hurst cried. “It is just like her to make assumptions.”

  “They may not be assumptions much longer. It is very concerning that Charles was so eager to act alongside Jane.”

  “He is becoming more besotted every day. I do wonder if we should give up this idea of a play. It might be better to make some excuse and get him back to London as soon as possible. I know you were keen upon acting, Caroline, but you must see the risk of letting him rehearse with her.”

  Miss Bingley sighed. “I do indeed, but I fear that it is too late. Everything has already been set into motion. I believe we must consider ourselves committed to the play; however, it occurs to me that there is an opportunity in having Mr. Collins foisted upon us. What if we were to befriend him and then tell him that Charles has no intentions toward Jane?”

  “That could work very well. Mr. Collins will easily be persuaded to transfer his attentions to her. But there is still one difficulty. Jane is not very likely to accept him. She will want to hold out for a more advantageous connection.”

  “We must persuade her that it will never happen. Perhaps we could hint to her that Charles is on the verge of becoming engaged to somebody else. Or better yet, we could tell her that he is engaged, and make up some excuse for it being a secret. That will be absolute.”

  “And then she will feel compelled to accept Mr. Collins. This is an excellent idea, except that you did so much want him to marry Eliza.”

  “It is more important to keep Charles from marrying Jane,” Miss Bingley declared in the voice of one who was willing to make a sacrifice for the greater good. “That is where the real danger lies.”

  “It is a pity that Mr. Collins does not have a brother for her sister.”

  “It is, but Mr. Darcy will not act upon this absurd admiration which he has formed for her. To be certain of that one only has to keep reminding him of what it would be like to have Mrs. Bennet as a mother-in-law. I cannot understand his obsession with Elizabeth Bennet’s very ordinary eyes, but at least I can be confident that he is far from acting upon it. And for good measure, her sister’s engagement to his aunt’s parson will be an additional deterrent. Charles, on the other hand, is fool enough to propose to Jane, and the risk is very great now that they will be thrown together so much for the next couple of weeks.”

  “Then we must act as quickly as possible. Fortunately, with her docile nature, Jane will go to the sacrifice like a sheep, and it will be easy to manipulate Mr. Collins.”

  “I just hope that he does not spoil our play by forgetting all his lines. I think we had better get ourselves a prompter.”

  “That is a good idea. Perhaps Miss Lucas will oblige. She is a useful sort of person.”

  Miss Bingley’s eyes gleamed with malicious amusement. “You remind me of Mr. Collins when he was talking about getting himself a useful wife. That really was very entertaining. But yes, you are right. Miss Lucas will do very well for a prompter.”

  “Just not for a wife.” Mrs. Hurst gave a deprecating laugh. “I cannot imagine anybody wanting to marry such a plain, dull person.”

  “No, indeed. She is quite the settled spinster.”

  CHAPTER 9

  I’ll not budge an inch…

  THE TAMING OF THE SHREW, INDUCTION I

  While one pair of sisters was conspiring, the other was also having a private conversation.

  “I have never been so mortified in my life,” Elizabeth cried. “Our cousin is the most ridiculous person I have ever met. It is humiliating to be associated with such a stupid man.”

  “There was an oddness to his manner, but he seemed like an agreeable gentleman,” Jane said, although with noticeable hesitation in her voice.

  “I presume that you mean well, but it is no use trying to persuade me of that. Agreeable gentlemen are people like Mr. Bingley, who is cheerful and considerate of others without
looking for any benefit to himself. He values friendship for its own sake, and I believe that he would do nearly anything for a friend. Mr. Collins is obviously a self-centred man, whose interactions in society are guided by a strong desire for personal advancement. He looks at people to see what they can offer him, not what he can do for them.”

  “Mr. Bingley is an exceptional person. Perhaps one should not hold him up as the standard.”

  “I am all in favour of setting a high standard. Do you not think a man should strive to be the best possible person?”

  “Yes, he should, but perhaps you are being too harsh upon Mr. Collins. He was happy at being able to let Mr. Darcy know that his aunt and cousin were well.”

  “Only because he wanted to ingratiate himself. And he cared mostly for the opportunity of displaying his connection with Lady Catherine.”

  “He does seem to like talking about himself,” Jane admitted.

  “He likes it excessively.” Elizabeth sighed. “I wish he were capable of a little discretion. It was apparent to everybody that he has formed the idea of making me his wife.”

  “I am sure it was not so obvious,” Jane said, but her voice was again lacking in conviction.

  “You are incapable of deception, my dear sister. I appreciate your attempt at offering me comfort, but we both know that he was obvious. Mr. Collins made a fool of me this morning, and the humiliation of it was unbearable. I tell you right now that I most certainly will not marry him. That would be a lifetime of humiliation.”

  “I did not think you would. Mama will be disappointed though.”

  “I do not much care. I am excessively displeased with her for bringing him here and exposing us all to ridicule. Anyway, it is not for her to decide whom I shall marry. I have no doubt that she will press me to accept him, but she cannot force me to do so.”

  “No, she cannot, but are you quite certain about rejecting him? It would be an eligible offer.”

  “How can you even say such a thing? You and I have always agreed that love is the only basis for marriage.”

  “I only meant to say that there would be security in marrying Mr. Collins, but it is a dreadful notion. You are quite right, Lizzy. You should not accept him. Such a marriage would not do for you.”

  “It would not do for anybody with feeling. Being his wife would be a daily source of torment. It is dreadful enough that we are to have him in this play. There I was thinking how fortunate it is that we shall be here while he is at Longbourn, and then Miss Bingley had to go and offer him a part. Not just any part either. I am certain that she meant to make a mockery of him by suggesting Dogberry for his role.”

  “I cannot think so ill of Caroline,” Jane protested.

  “Then what do you suppose she meant by saying it was the ideal part for him?”

  “She was probably referring to the size of the role. I believe that Dogberry is the largest of the parts which have not already been filled. I am sure that Caroline only wanted to be generous to our cousin.”

  “I am not persuaded of that, but we shall not quarrel about it. Perhaps my impression was wrong; however, it still remains that Mr. Collins is going to come here and rehearse with us. I have a dreadful feeling that he will be like a dog at my heels, trailing after me and yapping about his excellent situation and the advantages of having Lady Catherine as his patroness.”

  “He did say that he had to ask for her permission to stay longer. Perhaps she will not give it.”

  “I am certain that she will. I expect nothing less from Mr. Darcy’s relatives than that they should be just as disobliging toward me as he is.”

  Jane laughed. “You must not let yourself be swayed by your prejudices, Lizzy. Even if you must think the worst of Mr. Darcy, you have to allow that his aunt may not be anything like him. Mr. Collins described her as a very amiable lady.”

  “I do not trust any description of his.” Smiling, Elizabeth held up her hand. “Nay, do not tell me that I am prejudiced about him as well. Perhaps I am, for it was very disagreeable having to listen as he jabbered on about all the conveniences of his parsonage while I knew very well that he believed himself to be describing my future home to me. And so did anybody else who was listening, which was probably everybody. But I do hope that he has exaggerated Lady Catherine’s amiability and that she will not allow any extension to his visit. Unfortunately, that must be a faint hope. He is too confident of gaining her permission. I am tempted to cry off and let them find somebody else for my part.”

  “You must not do that, Lizzy. It would be rude to back out now.”

  “They can find another lady without much difficulty. One of the officers’ wives will probably oblige.”

  “But then you will miss out on all the fun, and I will not enjoy it so much without you. Besides, you might as well remain here. If you go home, you will see even more of Mr. Collins.”

  “And in a more confined space,” Elizabeth mused. “Netherfield will provide me with more opportunity to hide from him. I did not know you could be so crafty in your methods of achieving your own means.” She smiled fondly at her sister. “Very well, I shall stay for the fun of acting with you. And just a little bit because I am curious to know how Mr. Darcy acts.”

  “I expect his performance will be creditable. I thought his voice very good when he was reading to us the other evening.”

  “It was,” Elizabeth agreed, recalling how much feeling he had stirred in her. But she was not wanting to talk about that. “I only wonder if he can lend the right tone to Benedick. I have no doubt of his ability to portray the arrogant side of his character, but can he also depict the vulnerability?”

  “I think that you are too harsh a critic of him, Lizzy. I do not believe that Mr. Darcy is as arrogant as you would have him, or as unfeeling. He does read with a great deal of emotion in his voice.”

  “One generally does when reading poetry.”

  “There was also that discussion we had about the plight of widows and orphans. I thought he spoke of their misfortunes with much compassion.”

  “Did you? I thought he was very factual on the subject.”

  “I begin to think that you are deliberately being difficult. You were just as factual, and still compassionate. And very much in agreement with him. I thought that discussion showed how much alike you and Mr. Darcy are.”

  “I must protest. He and I are nothing alike. Look at how often we disagree.”

  “Only because you are both fond of discussion and debate.”

  “I think you mean dispute.”

  “No, it is more like repartee. In fact, it seems to me that you and Mr. Darcy are rather like Beatrice and Benedick.”

  “We are not!” Elizabeth cried. “They engage in a merry sort of banter. Mr. Darcy and I practically quarrel with each other, and we are certainly not doing so as a means of suppressing our true feelings.”

  “No, of course not,” Jane said in a conciliatory tone, but there was a suspicious look in her eyes which made Elizabeth repeat that there could never be any chance of Mr. Darcy having the slightest feeling for her.

  “Nor me for him,” she added to make the matter perfectly clear.

  CHAPTER 10

  Sits the wind in that corner?

  MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING, ACT II, SCENE III

  “I do wish Carolyn would not be so provoking to Miss Elizabeth Bennet,” Mr. Bingley said. “I cannot understand why my sisters dislike her so much.”

  “They are too different in temperament and outlook,” Mr. Darcy said. “It is not surprising that they do not get along well. Your sisters are accustomed to a different sort of company.”

  “Well I think they are being excessively pompous. I am quite tired of hearing them disparage the Bennets.”

  “They are perhaps a little excessive in bringing the subject up so often, but they do make an important point, Bingley, and one with which you know I agree. I hope that you are not thinking of connecting yourself with that family.”

  “You have
made it perfectly clear that you would think it foolish of me to do so.”

  “You do not sound very convinced.”

  “I am not convinced. I have never liked anybody so well as Miss Bennet. Indeed, I believe that I am truly in love with her.”

  “You must not let temptation distract you from all the disadvantages of the match. You cannot want to have Mrs. Bennet for a mother-in-law. And just think what sisters you would have.”

  “Is that sufficient reason to give up love?”

  “It is indeed. Love is often a fleeting thing. A good marriage is built on a great deal more.”

  “You know that I do not care about money.”

  “I was not thinking of fortune as an essential attribute in a wife. But I do think it important to consider how well she would fit into your social circle, and how she will reflect upon your credit.”

  “I am sure that Miss Bennet would do both things very well.”

  “But her family would do neither.”

  “If I were to marry her, we need not see much of her mother or her sisters.”

  “I have no doubt that you would end up seeing a great deal of them. Mrs. Bennet is a very determined sort of person, and you are far too accommodating for your own good. As your mother-in-law, she would have her way in everything.”

  “I can be determined as well.”

  “I do not think it is in your nature to be forceful.” Mr. Darcy smiled. “You are too nice, Bingley. That quality makes you the best of friends, but it keeps you from having the upper hand in any dispute.”

  “I suppose you are right.” Mr. Bingley sighed. “You usually are. But I do have very strong feelings for Miss Bennet.”

  “She is a particularly likeable person. I will grant you that. Such sweetness of temperament is rare, and for that to be combined with good sense is even rarer. Her acquaintance is well worth valuing, but I urge you not to let temptation get the better of your judgment. Many a man has fallen into that trap, only to end up regretting the rashness of his choice.”