Welcome to the Apocalypse

by Cathy Gaitan

  “What did you do now,” Mercy sighed. She threw her head back with a dramatic groan. “If we catch hell for this I will not be happy with you!”

  “Hey! Quit trying to make this about you,” he told her. “This is all me. All the way.”

  So, he thinks he’s about to catch it from Julia but he’s proud at the same time. Yep, all Titus. “Great, you get full credit. What did you do?” I enunciate slowly to hopefully get his attention.

  He scratched his beard and shrugged. “Well, you know we’ve had a lot of requests from Humans to ‘join’ the Zombie movement. I guess you could say I granted some wishes,” he snickered.

  Mercy sucked in her breath. “You’re right. Julia is going to murder you!” She nodded her head for emphasis. Titus just grinned in response.

  “What the hell were you thinking,” I asked. “Never mind! I don’t want to know. Just tell us how many you converted.” It can’t be that bad. Julia might be okay with a couple of new Zombies.

  “I don’t’ know the exact number. I didn’t count but I’d estimate about,” he paused as though calculating in his head. “45-50 I guess.”

  Yeah, he was toast. That’s too bad. I really liked Titus. He’s nuts but he’s funny.

  “I’m calling dibs on his weapons,” Mercy chirped.

  Titus scowled at her. “You can’t call dibs when I’m still here,” he growled in outrage.

  Mercy just rolled her eyes and said, “We all know it’s only a matter of time. You said it yourself, Julia’s going to kill you.”

  Titus leaned way down to get nose to nose with her but before he could yell Julia walked into the room.

  “And why am I going to kill him” she inquired. We all grew silent.

  Mercy shoved Titus away with a hand to his forehead. “Titus has something he needs to tell you,” she told her. “Tell her Titus,” Mercy demanded.

  He gave Julia a charming smile and said, “I’ve expanded our club.”

  “And how did you do that,” she asked suspiciously. Her narrowed gaze swept over all of us.

  “I initiated our fan club,” Titus announced not a bit of fear or apprehension evident in his tone or expression. I waited for Julia to blow her stack. Mercy stepped close to me to create distance between herself and the other two.

  Julia gazed at him in silence for a couple of moments then sighed and said, “Well, it had to be done I suppose. A Zombie Army needs to consist of more than ten people. What’s the count?”

  Titus grinned proudly, “50 give or take a few.”

  Julia grinned back, “Great job!”

  “What just happened,” Mercy whispered to me as confused as I was. Somehow I doubt Mercy or I would have received the same response if we had done what Titus did.

  “I’m not sure but I think going forward we need to have all bad news siphoned through Titus,” I whispered back. It could come in handy.

  “Definitely,” she agreed. I’m pretty sure she was thinking of ways to use it to her advantage. My protégé was learning. It was a proud moment for me.

  “So you want us to create new Zombies,” Mercy said to clarify.

  Julia paused a moment before answering. “No minors. The initiate must voluntarily agree to it and no photos or videotapes.”

  “Fine, but I think it would be awesome to have some before and after photos. You know, before dull and drab after technicolor dream,” she replied.

  Julia shook her head. “No. No photos. Not ever,” she emphasized the last two words. I guess she really means it.

  “It’s your call but I think we’re missing a great opportunity.”

  “Then I guess we’ll just have to learn to deal with the loss because that will never happen,” was Julia’s firm reply. “I think we’re done with this conversation.”

  Julia grabbed Titus by the arm and they exited the room leaving Mercy shaking her fist at their backs. “Why does she always get the last word,” she asked me.

  “Because she’s smart enough to know when to cut you off and you never know when to stop.”

  “I know when to stop. I stop when I get what I want,” was her response.

  I can’t really argue with that logic. “Yeah, that sounds like a good plan,” I agreed. “It doesn’t always work out but it’s definitely goal worthy.”

  **********************************************************

  When Titus announced the “newly born Zombies” news organizations went crazy. Some are glamorizing Zombies others demonizing us. I don’t pay much attention to it either way. The publicity helps get our message out. That’s all that matters. The rest is just nonsense.

  There are some hate groups that are trying to round up ‘hunting parties’. Julia says we need to keep an eye on them. We’re not afraid but we don’t want to end up in a situation where we have to face off against groups like that. She says wasting our time on them would not benefit us in any way.

  Mercy thinks we should just “take them out quiet like”. You know like a Ninja Assassin. I actually liked that idea but Julia shot down her suggestion and refused to even entertain a discussion on it.

  Mercy said one of the news outlets reported there are those who consider us a group of terrorists rather than accepting that we are a separate race. We’ll chuck that label into the trash bin along with monster and abomination.

  “Pinkerton can you please tell Julia my blog is not going to kick up more dust,” insisted Mercy. “It’s just a run of the mill Zombie blog.”

  “You haven’t shown it to me yet. I don’t even know what you’re doing,” she looked at me like I’d betrayed her. Seriously, though, trust does not come easily and I know her too well to think that blog will be in any way normal.

  “You are dead to me,” she hissed.

  “I’m a Zombie. I’m dead to everyone,” I replied ignoring her scowls and rude hand gestures.

  “You are a jackass! I can’t believe I trusted you,” she growled. She was trying hard but she was not pulling off fierce very well.

  “Well, that was your mistake. How many times do I have to tell you? TRUST NO ONE,” I shouted. I couldn’t help it. I hate that word.

  She sucked in a shocked breath. “You told me to trust you yesterday!”

  I just shrugged. What can I say to that?

  “Just make sure you pass everything by Pink. I don’t want any unpleasant surprises,” Julia demanded.

  “I already told you I would. And I feel it’s necessary to point out that Titus,” she pointed at his face aggressively, “sprang 50 new Zombies on you and all you said was ‘Good Job’. How could I possibly have any surprises bigger than that?”

  “I don’t know and I don’t really want to find out. This discussion is over,” was Julia’s predictable response leaving Mercy tossing her hands in the air in frustration.

  “I can’t win with her,” she groaned when Julia left with Titus.

  “Sure you can,” I told her. “All you have to do is not put anything on the table for discussion. If you want to write a blog, then do it. Don’t talk it to death.”

  “I can’t do that. Can I,” Mercy asked but I could tell she was already doing it in her mind.

  “That’s what I would do. And obviously that’s what Titus does. If you know her answer will be ‘no’ bypass the ‘no’ part,” I suggested.

  “But I already told her I’d run it by you,” she weakly argued.

  “Okay, then be a good girl and send it my way when you’re ready. Follow those rules,” I taunted her. I don’t know why I’m doing this. When Julia flips her lid Mercy’s going to slip into an anxiety meltdown. Or maybe not.

  When she threw me the bird and walked out of the room I felt a little bad. This might hurt if it blows up in her face but sometimes you have to take a risk to reap the reward.

  I’m sure she’ll thank me in the long run.

  7

  Chapter Seven

  In storybooks the Hero always wins the day

  but I ‘m pretty sure the Vill
ain has more fun.

  -out of the mouth of Pinkerton Floyd

  Mercy Mayhem

  Somewhere just north of Hell

  I’m pretty sure Pinkerton Floyd lured me onto the edge of a cliff. I can actually see my whole existence flashing before my eyes and sadly it leaves a lot to be desired.

  I’ve created my blog but keep waffling about going live. I feel like I have mini Mercy’s sitting on my shoulders urging me to do different things. Ninja Mercy says ‘Do it! No pain no gain’ but chicken Mercy keeps whispering in my other ear ‘ignore her, you hate pain’.

  Pink went for a walk. I’m pretty sure he’s leaving me to deal with this inner battle on my own. As far as he’s concerned he already provided his input. What I do with it is my own choice. Grrrr…I hate choices!!

  I just need to think on this a little more. If I go live with the blog Julia might want to kill me but we thought the same thing about Titus and that worked out okay.

  I’m not Titus though. I mean we’ve got the sisterhood bond thing going and it is strong. Really! But Titus is holding that heartstring and I’m pretty sure that’s trumping sisterhood right now so I can’t rely on the same leniency.

  Relationships are confusing. It’s like a language I’m not familiar with and no guidebook to refer to. I have to wing it and I’m not great at that.

  Of course, for months I’ve been saying I want to be a badass Zombie Ninja Assassin. Ninjas aren’t scared or if they are they suck it up and get on with it anyway. That’s what I need to do. Pretend to be brave!

  I activate my blog then shut down the computer. Who knows, maybe no one will even read it. I could be worrying about this for nothing. Right?

  Lumina pads over to me and rubs against my leg then leans down and bites my ankle. What the hell? I love my cat but sometimes I don’t like her. “Why are you so randomly mean,” I grumble. She ignores me as Rikki, Tikki and Tavi begin cleaning her fur.

  “Did you go live yet,” Pink asks from behind me making me jump. He can be so quiet when he wants to be. I swear I make noise even when I’m barefoot. I need to work on that. Quite is kind of a requirement for a Ninja.

  “Maybe,” I mumble noncommittally. I don’t want him to read it. I don’t want anyone to read it. Why did I post it?!

  He grins knowingly at me and reaches for the laptop.

  “NO!” I shout it. I imagine tossing the laptop down and smashing it. It wouldn’t matter though. He has a smartphone. I know he only made a show of grabbing the laptop to torture me. Pink’s as twisted as Titus. I just forget sometimes.

  “I’m going to read it eventually you know,” he reasoned. I hate it when he’s like that. He sounds sensible. It makes me feel like I’m being ridiculous. Maybe I am. So what?

  “Eventually but not now,” I tell him. “Later like tomorrow or next week or maybe never.”

  Pink chuckled enjoying my discomfort. What a surprise. One day I really am going to shave his Mohawk while he sleeps. He’s always telling me I’m crazy. One day I’m going to show him just how insane I am.

  He snapped his fingers in front of my face. “Earth to Mercy.”

  “Stop it! Where did you go?” I slapped away his fingers and changed the subject hoping he’d forget about my blog.

  He shook his head in disappointment. “Do you really think it will be that easy to distract me?” Lumina chose that moment to sink her claws into his leg and bite the back of his calf.

  Pink let out a pained shout and just managed to dislodge her. “Your cat is a menace,” he cursed rubbing the spot where her teeth had been. She actually left teeth marks in his jeans. Geez, she got him pretty good. Have I mentioned how much I adore my cat?

  “She doesn’t like when you harass me,” I told him which was more or less a lie.

  “I wasn’t harassing you,” he argued loudly. Maybe it was less a lie than I thought. I guess Lumina didn’t like his tone because she went for his other leg. I really owe her a treat. Do you think Julia would mind if I let Lumina initiate a cat or two?

  “I am going to kill that cat,” he threatened and was rewarded with a coordinated attack by the other three. “Mercy, call them off,” he ordered as he tried to free himself from claws and teeth.

  “Stay off my blog and I will,” I negotiated. I wasn’t even sure I could call them off but I wasn’t missing this opportunity. It was rare for me to have the upper hand with Pinkerton.

  “Fine, I’ll stay off it today,” he countered. Even in the middle of an attack he couldn’t let me have a clean victory.

  “This week,” was my next offer. Pink gritted his teeth against a particularly aggressive attack by Rikki.

  He hissed and shook his head. “Today is my final offer.”

  “It’s your only offer,” I complained. Why is he so stubborn?

  “Don’t make me get out my gun Mercy,” he warned me. I don’t think he’d actually shoot them but I’m not willing to test him.

  I reach for Lumina first. She resisted until I ask, “Do you want a snack Lumina?”

  Once Lumina let go the other three fell right off. Pinkerton limped to the couch and rolled up his pant legs to assess the damage. “Yikes, my cats are vicious! They even drew some blood.,” I laughed. I know it sounds mean but he’s a Zombie. He’ll heal right up.

  When I poured Lumina some Nerds in her cat dish Pinkerton scowled. “She attacked me and you’re rewarding her,” he sounded outraged.

  “Yes I am,” I cheerfully replied. As far as I’m concerned she earned it. She bought me another day. “Your threatened her. She has the right to defend herself.”

  He gave me a dark look. “She attacked me first.

  “No, you attacked me first,” I corrected him. “Verbally.”

  “What happened to you,” Titus asked as when he entered. He winced in sympathy when he saw the Pinks wounds. “Did the cats do that?”

  “No, Mercy did,” Pinkerton replied sarcastically. I guess the cat attack made him grumpy. Poor Pink. Not really. He had it coming.

  Titus winked at me, “Good thinking. Attack at eye level.”

  “Height humor. Funny,” I wasn’t laughing. Titus is an ass.

  He rubbed his beard. It’s a bad habit of his. Bad because it makes me want to grab that beard and yank it until he cries. If Julia wasn’t so stuck on him, I would have already done it.

  Titus grinned at me as though he knew what I was thinking.

  “Do you think Julia would be okay with Lumina expanding her Zombie cat army,” I asked him. “They obviously are great attack cats.”

  Titus laughed when Pink heaved his boot at me. “If that is anything to go by,” he pointed at Pink’s chewed up legs, “then the answer is ‘no’. We need our group intact and those cats don’t seem to know friend from foe.”

  Personally, I disagree but I wasn’t going to waste my breath. I guess the brotherhood was a thing too. Great for them.

  “How are the new Zombies coming along,” I asked, Titus. He and Julia spent most of the day training them. Pink and I will be working with them tomorrow. Hopefully that will take Pinkerton’s attention off my blog. Fingers crossed.

  “They’re doing great! Even Julia thinks so and she’s way more critical than I am,” Titus replied.

  That is completely true. Julia is really hard to impress. I should know. I’ve been trying to impress her since we met but only succeeded a couple of times. Now some newbies managed it in a single day. Super! I’m happy for them. Really!!

  “Are there any that will require more attention,” asked Pinkerton, rolling down his pant legs. I guess he’s decided he’ll live.

  “Yeah, there’s about five. Julia took notes for you,” he chuckled because that’s Julia. She makes notes of everything.

  “Of course she did,” Pink rolled his eyes. He is not a fan of Julia’s instructions. Pinkerton thinks she goes overboard with her need to control things. He might have a point.

  “It’s part of her charm,” insisted Titus.

  Titus i
s an ass for sure but I’m glad he appreciates Julia. She may be a control freak but she way more than that.

  “Great. I’ll wait for the charming instruction manual,” muttered Pink. “I’ll read it after I read Mercy’s blog.”

  I am going to murder Pinkerton Floyd! It will be a long and painful death.

  “What blog,” Titus looked at me with a curious half grin.

  Pinkerton smiled at me and rubbed his leg. I leaned back and folded my arms. He has so many more vulnerable body parts on him. The look I gave him promised to let Lumina find every one of them.

  I think he got the message because all he said to Titus was, “Just an inside joke.”

  “Okay,” Titus laughed. “If you don’t want to tell me that’s fine. I’ll ask Julia.”

  “Mind your own business, Titus! If you mention anything to Julia I will send my cats after you,” I threatened. “They’ll hurt you until you cry. Like Pink,” I pointed at Pinkerton.

  “Hey, I didn’t cry,” objected Pink shooting daggers at me with his eyes. He turned to Titus and insisted, “I didn’t cry!”

  “Fine. He didn’t cry,” I told Titus. “He just had something in his eye.”

  “Mercy, cut it out! Titus is going to say anything to Julia. Right,” he asked the other male.

  “I could be persuaded to hold my tongue for a price,” was Titus’ reply. I should have seen that coming. These Zombie males are all the same.

  “What do you want,” Pink and I said in unison.

  He grinned evilly. “I want to be the first one to read your blog.”

  “NO,” again with the synchronized answer. I know why I’m objecting. I’m not sure why Pink is until he says, “I’m reading it first.”

  I was shaking my head hard. “You’re just going to laugh,” I told him. I know Titus. He will mock me until the end of time.

  He snickered, “Of course, I am. That’s what I do. Don’t let that stop you.”

  “You can read with Pink tomorrow,” I grudgingly relented. He was going to see it anyway. At least this way if felt like it was my choice.