Say You Swear

by Meagan Brandy

  My stomach tightens, and his forehead follows suit.

  “I was hit by your football.”

  He swallows. “You were.”

  “You came to the bonfire.”

  “I didn’t stay long.”

  “I know, I remember.”

  He licks his lips, giving a stiff nod. “I have that effect.”

  A small laugh slips from me, but I cut it short the second I realize, and something softens in his gaze. As if it takes effort, he jerkily tears his eyes away. He looks to my brother, but only for a moment, before his gaze comes right back to me.

  There’s something a little different about him, but I can’t put my finger on what.

  “I, um,” he begins, the rasp in his tone rattling my throat. “I can’t stay.”

  Mason flies to his feet so fast his shoes squeak against the floor, and a strange sense of unease builds behind my ribs.

  “Okay.”

  Noah looks up at the ceiling a moment, and when his gaze comes back, it’s beaten. “I found some people you’ll be really happy to see,” he tells me.

  I don’t take my eyes off his as he glances behind him, and then he moves aside, someone else stepping through.

  Relief wooshes through me, and my face falls into my hands, full, heavy weeps instantly tearing from me, completely overcome with the most welcome sight.

  I sob, my body shaking, and then strong arms wrap around me, holding me close. “Dad.”

  “It’s okay, baby girl.” His voice cracks. “It’s okay. I’m here. Your mama’s here.”

  Mason sniffles beside me, and then my mom is there, running her hands over my hair. I fall into her chest, and my dad holds us close, but not before my attention is called across the room.

  To Noah.

  Who is already staring, and while he seems to ease before my eyes, his tell a different story. Only, before I’m given the chance to look further, he’s gone.

  Noah

  * * *

  Outside the door, I fall against the wall, my eyes closing as I drag a deep breath through my nostrils, slowly blowing the air from my mouth.

  I left again, walked out.

  I looked into my baby’s eyes, saw that familiar flicker burn within them, and watched it fade away.

  Again.

  It took all I had not to go to her, to drop to my knees beside her and kiss her. To kiss the spot that would soon grow with our child if the world had been kinder.

  It’s not. I know this from experience, but I’d have given anything to have been able to keep her from ever finding out.

  Palming my chest, I push off the wall, but I don’t get two feet from it before footsteps fall behind me.

  “Where you going?” Mason’s voice follows me farther into the hall. “Why even come if you’re just gonna cut out again?”

  “Your mom saw me in the parking lot, asked me to walk her up. I couldn’t say no, but maybe I should have.”

  “Why were you in the parking lot?”

  I swallow. “Go back in with your family, Mason.”

  “You go back in with your family!”

  At that, I whip around, ready to tear into him, but the smirk on his lips throws me off.

  Of course, it’s only there long enough for that, falling flat in the next second, and that same helplessness eating away at me washes over him. “You’re family, Noah. The minute she decided you were, that’s what you became.” He steps closer. “Don’t leave. She needs you.”

  “She doesn’t even know me.”

  “You heard her; she remembers everything that happened over summer. It’s everything after her last day there that’s fuzzy for her, but she remembers you.”

  I shake my head, a heavy throbbing creeping in.

  Goddamn it, why does that almost feel worse?

  “She remembers some guy from the beach who she sat and talked to for a minute, just like she remembers being in love with someone else that day. The same someone who she sat in that hospital bed and reached for when the entire room found out she was growing a child inside of her and lost it. Our child, my child that she thinks was his. That she sat and mourned with another man in mind, not me.” A burning sense of torment spreads through me, and I swallow. “I didn’t get to comfort the woman I love after a loss no one should have to face, and I will never forgive myself for that. Ever.”

  Grief-stricken, his face scrunches. “That wasn’t on you, Noah.”

  “But it will stick with me. Always. Just… go back in there. I know your dad wants to talk with you.”

  “Come with me, man. The doc said she linked two traumatizing events, and that’s why her mind jumped backward or some shit, so we need to find a way to help her separate them. I need you there for that. Come back inside.”

  The elevator doors open beside us, revealing Brady and Chase.

  We stare as Brady steps out, Chase right behind him, a bouquet of flowers in his hands.

  A cool current travels through my veins, and my muscles draw up.

  “Noah, what the fuck, bro?” Brady comes closer, but Mason holds his hand up, and they pause.

  “My parents are in there, go say hi,” he tells them, not looking their way, and with hesitant steps, they do as he says, slowly moving toward the hospital room.

  With their every foot forward, a sharp ache picks at my spine.

  They slip inside, and I jerk away, unable to stand there and watch as they do the one thing I wish I could.

  Just fucking be with her, near her. Anything.

  The elevator doors closed again and I can’t wait for it to come back. I head for the stairwell.

  “I told her!” Mason shouts before I can disappear.

  My body freezes, and the swinging door comes back, almost slapping me in the face. Anger ripples through me, and I glance at him over my shoulder. “What do you mean, you told her?”

  Mason looks away and I push closer to him.

  “Mason.” I slip into his space, pinning him on the spot.

  “She knows the baby wasn’t his.”

  Swear to God something cracks inside me. “Do not mess with me on this.”

  “Why would I?” He presses right back but softens after a few seconds. “I made that one point clear, but I didn’t spell out anything else.”

  My hands find my hips, my cheeks filling with air as I look off. Biting my tongue, as I fight from breaking down.

  “I don’t know what to do. I need her to know she’s not alone,” he stresses.

  Knots form in my stomach. “She’s not. Ever.”

  “I know.” His tone is low, understanding. “Noah, she’s bound to ask questions, and as much as I hate to admit it, I’m not sure I have all the right answers. Please, help her remember.”

  My pulse flips, tightening my tendons. “If she doesn’t?”

  “Then fuck remembering.”

  A scoffed laugh leaves me, and a small grin slips over his lips.

  “She fell for you once, right?” He shrugs one shoulder. “Give her the chance to do it again.”

  Swallowing my fears, I ask the question that’s been haunting me. “And what if she doesn’t want to?”

  Mason tips his head. “Come on now. This is Ari we’re talking about. She’s still her and you’re still you.” When I hesitate too long for him, his features pull. “Noah please. I need to know she’s going to be okay, and the way I see it, she can’t be if she’s not with you.”

  “You don’t know that.”

  “I’d bet on it.”

  If I were thinking straight, I would too. I’d bet on her, on us, but the world keeps finding ways to remind me life is rough and for every good comes a handful of bad. Every time I think things are turning around, that I’m finally getting past the heavy, a rockslide comes tumbling down and I have to fight my way through it. But this time, I can’t do that.

  I’m at the mercy of a mind I no longer hold a place in.

  My sigh comes next, and I look to the door Chase and Brady disappeared into
. “She doesn’t even like flowers.”

  A laugh spurts from him, but the sorrow within it isn’t missed. “Yeah, man, I know. That would be my dad’s fault.”

  My eyes flick to his, the smallest hint of warmth flickering in my chest. “Yeah?”

  He smirks, the man knowing he’s got me, his words offering a little more of my girl to me, but the answering “yeah” comes from down the hall.

  We turn to find Mr. Johnson closing in.

  I stand straight and he clamps his son’s shoulder, facing me.

  “Flowers are pretty, but they’re prettier in the dirt and don’t die after a week.” His mouth curves into a side smile. “My girls are spoiled with food, treats, and shit.”

  My lips twitch, and Mason lifts a brow in victory. “Why you think she was all about cooking meals with you? You were winning her over when you didn’t even know it.”

  Memories of the first time I cooked for her sweep in, and I look away.

  “That’s sort of why I’m out here.” We both look to Mr. Johnson. “She’s starvin’ and she doesn’t want what they brought in.”

  “I can go get her a spicy chicken from Popeye’s?” Mason’s already fishing his keys from his pocket.

  “No, she, uh, she was pretty specific with what she’s craving.” His brown eyes move to mine, a hidden thought within them. “Know where we can find a pot pie around here?”

  My muscles lock, a spark of something jolting me from within, the smallest hint of darkness morphing into daylight.

  Unable to speak, I nod.

  “Then lead the way, son.” He tips his chin. “Our girl’s waiting.”

  I pray to God, somewhere deep down, she is.

  And then I remember the man she thinks she loves is with her right now, and any flicker of hope I might have felt, is gone.

  Chapter 42

  Arianna

  * * *

  Stuffed, I drop my head back, happy to have my parents home. “That was so good.”

  My dad takes the Tupperware container and tosses it into a bag on the countertop. “Yeah, that Noah sure knows how to cook.”

  “Noah Riley?” I look to my dad. “He made that?”

  “Oh, yeah, and straight from scratch. Pretty impressive, if you ask me. Why do you think it took us three hours to get back here?”

  “I didn’t think it was because Avix U’s quarterback seconded as a chef, that’s for sure.” I gasp, looking to Mason. “Oh my god! Your season? How was it? Did you play?”

  Mason chuckles, opens his mouth, but I cut him off before he can speak.

  “Wait, don’t tell me! I changed my mind,” I tell my family, and all eyes slide my way.

  Once my dad and Mason got back, we were able to call Dr. Brian back in, and this time, he was joined by a specialist. They broke everything done once more, so my parents could fully understand and the way the specialist explained what I’m facing made me think about things a little differently, leading me to my final decision.

  “I don’t want anyone to tell me about the last few months.”

  “Ari.” Mason shakes his head. “There are things you need to know.”

  Subconsciously, my hand plants on my stomach, and I nod.

  “I know, and I will ask some about some things, but I want the chance to do exactly that when I need to. The doctor said someone else’s thoughts could confuse me more than I already am, and I don’t want to risk that. I want to remember on my own. They said I can.”

  “Of course you can, sweetheart.” My mom pushes my hair back. “There’s no pressure. Whatever you decide, we’re here.”

  “About that, I get released tomorrow, and I don’t… I don’t want to go home.”

  My mom looks from me to my dad, and Mason guesses, “Beach house?”

  I nod, looking between the three of them. “It’s the last place I remember, and I want to stay closer. I also want to go back to school when the semester starts.”

  “That’s less than a month away.”

  “And the doctor said I could remember any day. The accident was fifteen days ago. Everything should come back soon. Tomorrow even.”

  The room is quiet a moment, and my mom offers a small smile. “And if it takes a little longer?”

  A wave of nausea hits me, but I steady myself. “I still want to go back, especially then. Being on campus, hanging around the same areas and the same people could help. I did end up on campus, right?”

  “Course you were.” Mason clears his throat. “I think that all sounds good. I’ll have Cameron pack you some things tonight, have it ready for tomorrow.”

  Worry pulls at my dad’s brows, but he nods, putting his hand on my mom’s back as she stands.

  “Me and Dad can hit the stores, stock the fridge and things.” My mom nods, anxious. “But if you think I’m going home, you’re crazy. I’ll stay in our condo down the beach.”

  I reach out, squeezing her hand. “I figured you’d say that.”

  She winks, and then they’re all on their feet, visiting hours almost over for the day, and now that I’m no longer critical, the standard rules apply. Honestly, it’s a relief and admitting that makes me feel guilty, but they see my heavy eyes and tell me to rest. It comes from a place of love, but if they knew the way my stomach turns at the thought of nightfall, they’d worry themselves to death.

  So, as they say their goodbyes, I put on a mask of ease, but the minute they’re gone, it slips away, anxiousness crippling me.

  Soon, all the lights will be out and no chatter will come from the halls. The nurses won’t shout out from their stations but speak quietly among themselves.

  The floor will fall silent and exhaustion will bleed in.

  I hate it.

  The mere thought of sleep is terrifying.

  What if I close my eyes and lose more?

  What if I close my eyes and they never open?

  What if they open and I don’t even know who I am?

  Right now, I’m still me, just missing a couple pieces.

  What if tomorrow I’m a stranger stuck in Arianna Johnson’s body?

  Dropping my head back, I push away the tears with a growl.

  A light tap has me jolting upright, surprised when it’s Noah I find in the doorway, a plastic bag in his hand.

  “Casper getting on your nerves again?” His tone is tense, but warm.

  I blink away the moisture. “Yeah, he’s being a dick. Keeps pouring water in my eyes. I’m kind of sick of it.”

  A low chuckle leaves him, and he nods, as if understanding what I mean.

  I’m sick of crying.

  “I brought you something.” He hesitates in the doorway a moment, but when I say nothing, he walks in.

  He hands me the bag, and slowly, I reach out to take it.

  “What is it?”

  “A little something to get you through the night.” He turns for the door, but something has me calling out.

  “You don’t have to leave… unless you want to.”

  He doesn’t look back at first, and when he does, there’s a heaviness that settles over the room.

  He doesn’t want to leave; I can sense it.

  How can I sense it?

  I clear my throat. “You could wait until someone comes to kick you out? Shouldn’t be too long.”

  Slowly, he nods, his hands sliding into his hoodie pocket as he comes closer, taking the seat beside me.

  He watches me closely as I reach into the bag, pulling out a pair of earbuds and an old iPod.

  Warmth washes over me and I look to him. “You brought me music?”

  His eyes hold mine. “Thought you might need to get lost for a little while.”

  How do you know I can’t sleep? That music will help?

  How do you know what I need?

  “Thank you,” I whisper, and when I get the thing turned on and the earbuds hooked up, I pass him one.

  Noah keeps his gaze on mine as he slides it into his ear, and I drop back against the bed. I pre
ss play, and three chords in, my eyes close, the story playing out behind them.

  Something settles within me, and my breaths grow deeper, fuller.

  “It’s so good to see that man finally getting some sleep.”

  I look up to find Nurse Becky coming in, unsure of how much time has passed, but it must have been a while, because when I look to Noah, I find he’s asleep, his hand lying on top of my mattress, at my side.

  “Sorry,” I whisper. “I know visiting hours are over.”

  “You’ve got the whole room to yourself; they won’t bother you.” She waves a hand, her jacket hanging over her arm. “Besides, I’m off the clock, just wanted to pop in and say goodbye in case I don’t see you tomorrow before you go.”

  “Thank you for all you did for me.”

  “It was my pleasure. It was nice to see such a loving family, it’s sad how rare that is in here.” She sighs, smiling as she looks over at Noah. “And that man, he didn’t leave your side.”

  My stomach sucks in. “He didn’t?”

  She shakes her head, staring at him with a motherly notion. “Poor thing only closed his eyes for an hour or two a day the whole time you were unconscious, and even less the last couple days while he was hiding out in the waiting room down the hall. If he wasn’t in that shower, he was right there in that chair, as restless as a kid on Christmas Eve.”

  A frown builds along my brow.

  “Looks like he’s sleeping just fine.” Her eyes come up to mine, a low gleam within them. “I’ll go before I wake him.”

  Nodding, I wave, but as soon as she’s gone, my eyes shift to Noah, to his hand, an inch from meeting my blanket-covered thigh.

  I stare at it a moment, at his long fingers, and the slight bend of his knuckles. At the softness of his skin and the veins of his lower forearm as his sleeve pushes up the slightest bit.

  I look to his face, to the long lashes lying against his cheek bones. His dark hair pokes out from beneath the hood, and there’s a light stubble on his jaw.

  His chest rises and falls with deep full breaths.

  I put the earbud back in my ear, and before I know it, morning comes with the seat beside me empty, and a tap on the door.