Say You Swear

by Meagan Brandy

  He’s exhausted, destroyed.

  I would be too if I lost my mom.

  The team begins to shuffle in behind us and Noah frowns, reluctantly looking away from me, and toward the growing crowd at our backs.

  His jaw sets tight as he nods, silently thanking those he can see. Turning back to me, he nearly loses it, gratitude bleeding from his every pore.

  “I thought you could use some back-up.”

  He swallows, not trusting his own voice, and then his hand comes up, gliding along my cheek as he pushes my hair behind my ear. It’s the most soothing and settling sensation.

  I don’t realize I’ve closed my eyes until they’re re-opening and his hand is, once again, wrapped over my own.

  Past Noah’s shoulders, Paige nods, a small smile on her lips as she faces forward.

  Moments later, the yard is silent as the man before us reads the eulogy of the woman who gave the world Noah Riley.

  What an incredible woman she must have been.

  A few hours later, we’re facing the parking lot, watching as the last truckload of football players loads up, honking on their way out of the parking lot.

  Mason turns to Noah then, moving in to give him a bro-like hug, and when he steps back, he looks to me. “Are you riding back with us?”

  I look to Noah. “My parents are at our place making a bunch of food, and they’ve got the firepit going. Trey and Paige were invited.”

  He frowns.

  “Come home?” I don’t mean to whisper. “I mean, come back. Please? You shouldn’t be alone.”

  Noah nods, glances off and back again.

  For some reason, I push closer and lift my chin to look at him. “I don’t want you to be alone, Noah. Please come with us.”

  Though loss burns in his gaze and longing screams in the deep blue staring back, Noah’s lip twitches. His attention falls to my hand, so I take his. Something stirs in my gut and he tips his head the slightest bit.

  “Ride with me.” He squeezes.

  I squeeze back.

  Everyone chats around me, drinks in hand and stomachs full of my mom’s best comfort food. Mason invited a handful of other guys who he said Noah had mentored closely as well as a few he had been close to over his four years at Avix.

  I can’t believe he’s a senior. It’s his last year of college life, and his mom won’t get to see what he becomes after, whatever that might be.

  He’s all alone now. He must feel so empty.

  My joints stiffen and I drop my eyes to my lap.

  He’s all alone…

  Noah has no other family.

  My head snaps up, landing on him not twenty feet away, and the pain in my back deepens.

  Noah sits, staring off at nothing, Paige at his side in support.

  Noah

  * * *

  My mind won’t stop, but it’s odd, because it’s as if my mind is blank, like nothing’s running through it, yet here I am I’m dead on my feet, winded from a race I can’t recall.

  Today is a little too much, and that seems to be the theme.

  Monday tests me, and Tuesday’s worse, but then Wednesday gets here and gives the other two the bird. Thursday does its damage and then Friday fucks me sideways, leading me into the weekend like ‘hold my beer.’ It’s a never-ending high rope with no bell to be rung, shredding my limbs with each attempt to scale.

  I have no energy, no drive.

  You have nothing, Noah.

  My chin falls to my chest.

  “I can guess the answer, but for the sake of asking, do you want to talk about it?” Paige eases, her voice hesitant, but tender.

  Shaking my head, I force myself to look to her.

  She sits one chair over, her body twisted, so she’s facing me, a hot cup of tea in her hand. Paige smiles, dropping her head against the back of the chair as she watches me.

  Her nose turns a little red and she tugs her mouth to one side, trying to fight the tears consuming her.

  I want to look away, I don’t want sympathy and I hate that how I’m feeling is affecting the people around me. I don’t want anyone sad because of me.

  I don’t want anyone to feel what I’m feeling.

  Completely and totally defenseless.

  “Paige.” I reach over, placing my palm on her knee, and she sniffles through a nod.

  Her eyes glide past me and her chest inflates as they come back to mine. “Has she remembered anything?”

  My brows cave, and I face forward again. “Not exactly.” I think of how she mentioned orientation and her comfort in the kitchen. “Nothing she’s realized or that’s triggered anything else, as far as she’s shared anyway.”

  “She called me by name.”

  My head jerks toward her and Paige nods.

  “I didn’t get the chance to tell her who I was. She saw me and called me by name.”

  My gut spins. “What did she say?”

  “She asked for you.”

  Hope spears my chest, but it suffocates in the same breath.

  It’s not so simple now.

  Now, if Ari were to remember, there’s no guarantee.

  Chase’s hand is in the pot, and all she has to do is grab hold.

  Something tells me she’s close.

  It’s in her eyes, a glint that was reserved for me when the universe decided to steal it.

  It’s delicate, but it’s there, developing more with each passing day.

  I knew when I met her, she wasn’t free to be mine, as I knew when I fell harder the climb back up would be rugged, if possible, but the knowledge of how things might end wasn’t enough for me to turn back.

  The path to the three-way junction is one I’d take ten times over, no matter where it leads, because loving Arianna Johnson is worth the risk.

  Being loved by her is priceless.

  The time was worth the torment.

  Especially when I was forced to face what I tried to deny, a possibility I hadn’t thought of before.

  Falling in love with me didn’t mean she fell out of love with him.

  It meant she loved us both.

  I want her to love me more.

  Spinning the ring my mom gave me in my pocket, I close my eyes, picturing the smile on my mom’s face the other day. It didn’t even click then, like it should have.

  That was her last sunny day.

  The last time her soul would shine over this cruel world before it took her from it. From me.

  People say that day comes once you’ve accepted the end of your life; it’s that last burst of energy and final laughter with the ones you love, shielded as faux hope.

  My mother loved only two people when she died, one was me, and the other is the girl who doesn’t remember her.

  How could she accept the end when she didn’t know where it led?

  Shame falls over me at the thought, and I say a silent prayer, thanking whoever will listen for the dream she was given before it was time for her to let go.

  She saw me happy and that was all she ever wanted from this world.

  Her son’s happiness.

  I’ll do what I can to give that to you, mom. I’ll find it.

  Somewhere.

  Paige’s hand falls to my shoulder, and blindly, I reach up, accepting the warmth it offers, as on the inside, a frostiness is taking over, and I don’t know how to stop it.

  A second hand falls to my knee, and I look up to find Mrs. Johnson’s kind eyes. “Everyone’s outside now,” she whispers, reaching up to touch my cheek, just as my mother had, and something soothes within me.

  I nod and she straightens. I watch as she walks over to Ari and perches on the chair behind her. Ari, who is staring right at me, and doesn’t look away as I rise to my feet.

  Clearing my throat, I gather everyone’s attention, and the chatter around us stops.

  “I um…” I clear my throat again, unable to find my bearings, unsure of what I want to say and wishing I didn’t ask Mrs. Johnson to let me know when a good time mig
ht be to speak, but as I look up, right into the softest, most perfect pair of brown eyes, the words become clear.

  “I woke up at dawn today. The sun hadn’t risen yet, and you couldn’t see past your hand, the fog was so thick. I knew I was about to walk through a nightmare, and I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to make it to nightfall, but then you showed up.” I speak, staring into Ari’s eyes, watching as hers grow glossy, before I face everyone. “See, my mom, she was a selfless woman, the most selfless person I’ve ever known, in fact. All my life I witnessed her going out of her way to help and please others, taking little to no care for herself. It took me a long time to realize that was how she liked it.

  “If she wasn’t doing something to make my or someone else’s life better, then she wasn’t doing it at all. She was kind and generous in that way.” I square my shoulders, looking around the groups of people. “I thought I’d stand before the pastor today, just me and my mom, and I thought that was all I needed, but I was wrong. She deserved more than that.”

  “She…” I hesitate, looking to Ari once more. “She told me once all she ever wanted was to be a mom a child would be proud of, and she accomplished that.” A curious, thoughtful frown builds along Ari’s forehead, and I look away. “She deserved to be honored by the people who respected her life’s mission, and that mission was raising me, so it means the world to have all of you here because I know you value our friendship. In doing so, you’ve made my mom’s one dream come true. Today was bearable because all of you were with me.”

  Ari clutches her chest.

  Because you were with me.

  “If my mother was here, she’d thank you for coming, but not for her, not even on a day that’s meant to remember her. She’d thank you for me, so I want to do what she never would, and I want to ask you to think of her a moment. Not me.”

  A moment of silence falls over the group and then Mr. Johnson steps up, wrapping me in a hug.

  A few others walk to me to pay their respects on their way out, and the moment I can break free, I do.

  I don’t mean to, but I can’t help but wonder if she’ll chase me down the sand as she chased him.

  When twenty minutes go by, I accept the answer for what it is.

  Fucking painful.

  Chapter 48

  Arianna

  * * *

  The ocean is much like life, ever-changing and unpredictable. I’ve always found that to be the beauty behind it, but lately, I wonder if that’s true.

  Where is the beauty in the possibility of a hurricane with the power to destroy everything in its path, both memories of the past and forecasts of the future? Isn’t that why we return to places we love? For the peace it offers and the memories it brings?

  What happens when that’s washed away and there’s nothing to look back on?

  How are you supposed to move forward knowing that?

  The breeze picks up, and I cross my arms over my chest, but something pulls my eyes left. Thirty feet in the distance is Noah, and he’s headed right for me. My feet are moving before I even realize it, and then I’m meeting him in the middle.

  A small smile forms along his lips, and he slowly passes me one of the two coffees in his hands.

  Eagerly accepting, I use the heat of the paper cup to warm my palms. “How’d you know I’d be out here?” I tease, pretending the reason he’s out here is me.

  “You always are.” He doesn’t miss a beat, and for a moment, my muscles clench.

  Noah knew where to find me, so much so that he took a little detour to the coffee house first, knowing I’d be in the place he expected when he came back.

  There’s a deep pull low in my stomach, but I breathe through it, and without a word, we walk toward the firepit, sitting down along its edge together.

  I lift my cup, inhaling the rich scent.

  “Don’t worry.” Noah adjusts his lid. “It’s not caramel.”

  My head jerks his way, and the softness of his gaze has me whispering, “What kind is it?”

  “Peppermint.”

  My favorite. Noah knows my favorite.

  He knew I’d be out here, close to the water.

  Confusion whirls within me, and I think Noah sees it. He answers by breaking eye contact, and brings his cup to his lips, making me curious.

  “What’s yours?”

  “Spiked.”

  A chuckle bubbles out of me and his lips pull to one side.

  “Well…” I take the lid from mine and hold it out. “Share.”

  He studies me a moment and with a hint of amusement in his gaze, he pulls a small bottle from his hoodie pocket, adding a splash of Bailey’s in my cup.

  I give it a gentle stir, taking a small sip. “Nothing like a little liquor before lunch.”

  “It’s not even eight yet.”

  “Yeah, but lunch rhymed.”

  Noah chuckles. “Surprised you didn’t hit me with a little Allan Jackson and say, ‘It’s five o’clock somewhere’.”

  My smile is instant, and I admit. “I thought it.”

  A soft hmm leaves him, and something warms inside me when his eyes meet mine. “I bet you did.”

  My smile is broken apart with a yawn and Noah’s blue eyes soften.

  “Still not sleeping well?” His voice is scratchy with his own restlessness.

  I wince. “That obvious, huh?”

  Noah shakes his head, slow and steady, whispering, “No. It’s not.”

  He stares into my eyes a long moment, and an equally foreign as familiar warmth blankets me. No, it’s not obvious. He simply knows.

  Because he knows you, Ari.

  I blink.

  You know him.

  I blink again.

  We stare at each other, and it’s he who faces the water first, so I follow.

  We sit in silence, enjoying the heat our drinks offer and the calm each other’s company brings. I’ve been on edge for so long, but this is the first time in a really long time that I’ve felt like I can just be, like I can let my pain show where it will, without worrying about others and the concern they try to hide around me.

  My family tries to pretend everything is normal, and I know how hard that must be.

  Noah doesn’t do that. He’s simply here with me, and that’s it.

  I don’t feel like I have to smile and that alone is invigorating.

  Only once I can see the bottom of my cup, do I decide I want to share something with him, even if I’m not sure what it means or why I need him to know.

  But I do need him to know, so I shift to face him.

  “I looked for you last night.” My voice is lower than planned, and Noah’s head jerks my way so fast, air lodges in my throat. His blue eyes search mine, a mix of shock and settlement, of unspoken pain clouding his own.

  “I thought maybe you left with Paige.”

  His frown is deep and instant. Noah shakes his head, licking his lips as if biting back words he wishes to speak, so I nod, silently asking for them.

  “Paige is my friend,” he tells me, tension tightening his features as he adds, “From high school, and from Avix.”

  My pulse beats a little harder and I wait for more.

  “I know you didn’t realize this, but that’s where you met her. At Avix.” His eyes move between mine. “Not before. Not in the summer. On campus, weeks into the semester.”

  My lips part, my shoulders drawing in. “I met her at school?”

  He nods.

  “Why would I remember her face and name out of everything else?” I wonder. “Was she important to me?”

  He shakes his head again. “No, not necessarily.”

  The deeper implication of his words strikes me, and an unexpected sense of dread follows. “She was important to you.”

  His face contorts, a million thoughts flashing across it before he speaks, “Not the way you might be thinking.”

  “I don’t even know what I’m thinking,” I admit quietly. “It’s like I have thoughts and worry, or
anger and sadness, but I don’t know why or where to direct it. I keep wondering if I made a mistake. That maybe I should have let everyone fill in the holes, but I didn’t want what someone else thought I felt to smother how I actually did, because does anyone actually share their every feeling with someone else? I mean truly, and without selection?”

  Noah stares me directly in the eye and says, “We did.”

  Two words, so tender and candidly spoken, create an ache so deep in my bones, I have no idea where it ends or begins, no idea if it’s my pain I’m feeling… or his.

  Noah tips his head, his smile is tight, but his words are genuine. “I disagree, by the way. I think what you’re going through is brave. Anyone could have sat there and listened to someone else tell the story of their life, but you chose to live it instead. Regardless of the confusion I know you feel and no matter the pain you can’t shake. You’re strong, Juliet.” He swallows. “So much stronger than you know.”

  She’s stronger than she knows…

  My throat runs thick, and as I stare at Noah, my mind sparks.

  Like lightning during the day, the flashes are there, but by the time your eyes follow, there’s nothing in sight. No proof of what you witnessed, no sign of what was.

  “What are you thinking?” he wonders.

  “About how proud your mom was of you.” Pain flickers across his face, and his chest flares. “She must have been.”

  His eyes fall fast, and he nods, facing away from me for a quiet moment. “I saw her the day she died. She was… it was a really good day. She gave me something we found years ago, something I’d forgotten about, and right over there by that pier is where we found it.” He sighs. “I can’t remember exactly where but somewhere near there.”

  That brings a grin to my face and I look to the water. “The ocean always offers a surprise. I hope it’s a long time from now, but I’d like to be cremated, too.”

  Noah turns to me, and for the first time, I feel like he just learned something about me he didn’t already know. “Yeah?”

  I nod. “That way my ashes can be buried or spread, and it’ll be like being in my favorite place forever.” I look to him. “Want to know where that is?”