As We Speak

by Peter Meyers

  “One of the best.”

  “What qualities make a good cop?”

  “You must have 360-degree vision at all times,” Jeff said. “You need a commanding voice that will stop people in their tracks. You have to trust your instincts, and move on them without second-guessing. You have to be able to look people in the eyes, persuade them, and influence them in a split second. You have to be spontaneous, able to think on your feet.”

  “How many of these skills apply to your job now?” I asked him.

  Jeff thought for minute.

  “All of ’em,” he said.

  “So what’s really true?”

  “My life in the police force was perfect training for my job today,” Jeff said triumphantly [new belief]. He went on to achieve great success.

  * * *

  You can’t change the facts. But you can choose your beliefs about what the facts mean.

  We all tell ourselves stories, all the time. We have to. It’s the way our brains work—if we were to actually process every scrap of data that we are taking in from our senses, we would go insane. One of the brain’s main functions is to selectively repress most of the data that we perceive. We label things, so that we can catalog, handle, and dismiss most of the bewildering data we’re constantly receiving. 1

  If you stand up in front of an audience and have a bad experience, you will tell yourself a story about it. The danger is the belief that comes out of that story. Is there any chance that you created a belief at that moment that has kept you from returning to the spotlight? Something like, “I’ve never been good at this, and I never will be?”

  This matters because your beliefs, by way of your biology, will determine your emotional state. Cellular biologist Bruce Lipton, PhD, put it this way in his award-winning book The Biology of Belief : “Your beliefs act like filters on a camera, changing how you see the world. And your biology adapts to those beliefs. When we truly recognize that our beliefs are that powerful, we hold the key to freedom. While we cannot readily change the codes of our genetic blueprints, we can change our minds.” 2

  You can’t always control events in the world around you. But you can control your belief. And controlling the belief will change your physical state.

  Peak performance expert Anthony Robbins says that a belief is like a stool; it is held up by legs. We call these legs “references.” If you want to believe that people are going to judge you, you can look for and find many references, or legs, to support that belief. If, on the other hand, you choose to believe that people are eager to learn and you have something valuable to offer them, you can find an equal number of references to support that belief.

  Here’s how beliefs are constructed: Imagine that a little girl is bitten by a dog when she’s five years old. She goes home, turns on the TV, and sees another dog, growling and looking ferocious. Looking out the window, she sees a boy being chased by yet another dog. Now she’s got three legs for the stool. She adds the top, and her belief becomes DOGS ARE DANGEROUS.

  Over the next thirty years, she will look for and find hundreds of additional references that will reinforce her existing belief. If you bring a toy poodle into her home, she will scream and insist that you take the dog outside. “Dogs are dangerous,” she’ll say. “Get it away from me.” All of your insistence that the dog is harmless will count for nothing. Her belief has references, and rational explanations have no force against the power of her conviction.

  There are two distinct types of beliefs: positive beliefs that pull us forward, and negative beliefs that hold us back. A negative belief might be, “Because I’m an introvert, I can never be compelling in front of a large group of people.” An example of a positive belief might be, “Because I’m an introvert, I bring more emotional depth and sensitivity to the topic.” A negative belief is, “Speaking is torturous.” A positive belief is, “Speaking is an opportunity.” What are the beliefs that are holding you back? These are the beliefs preventing you from achieving the state you need for peak performance.

  Sometimes you might be holding a negative belief not just about yourself, but about the topic you’ve been asked to address.

  * * *

  PETER

  I once worked with Jacques, a CFO of a major European asset-management firm who was hyperintelligent but utterly lacked presence. He came across as meek and dry. When he spoke in front of a group, his whole body seemed to be saying, “I’m sorry for wasting your time.”

  It turns out that Jacques’s lack of presence was a symptom of a deeper belief. In the course of a single conversation, we were able to uncover a basic assumption that was dulling Jacques’s presence.

  “I’m an accountant, not a speaker,” Jacques said. “Numbers are boring.”

  Sure, it’s easy enough to find supporting evidence for this belief—the stereotype of the joyless number cruncher is everywhere. But I tried to get Jacques to see numbers from another perspective.

  “What would you have to believe about numbers for you to speak passionately about them?” I asked.

  Jacques paused. “They’d have to be interesting.”

  So we started to brainstorm about what numbers represented to the firm: profits, bonuses, security. They were a marker of performance. They conveyed the health of the company. They were tremendously appealing, actually . interesting.

  You could see Jacques come to life as he continued to draw connections and shift beliefs.

  His next presentation to the board was inspired—he showed up with purpose and spoke with conviction. Everyone in the room remarked on the change. Jacques had captivated the room with his presence. And the difference was that he had changed his belief from “numbers are boring” to “numbers are the one thing that everyone wants to know about.”

  * * *

  At the airport, they ask whether you packed your own bags. It’s a good question when exploring your beliefs. Did you pack your own bags? Or are you still carrying around old baggage that was packed by your parents, your siblings, or your third-grade teacher? Chances are, many of those stories were put into place when you were too young to decide for yourself. Have they become outdated?

  Generally you develop beliefs based on the things that happened to you without your consent or control. You could look at the setbacks, problems, and tragedies in your life, and justifiably prove that you were victimized by events. On the other hand, there are people who look at the adversities in their life, and tell a story of how the problems they encountered drew out their strengths and made them who they are today. Many people who survived extreme hardship report that they wouldn’t have changed a thing. They say it was the difficulties they encountered that shaped their character. You can’t control the bad things that happen to you. But you can control the way you interpret those things.

  Imagine two people presenting in front of a board of decision makers. They both fail spectacularly. Person A interprets that experience this way: “I’m just not good at this.” Belief created? I’m a failure. The next time he’s offered a chance to speak, he’ll refuse. Person B thinks about it this way: “That was so painful that I’m going to make sure I never fail like that again.” The pain impels her to get some training and become an expert speaker. She goes on to great success.

  Which type are you? If you’re being held back in your career or your personal life, it may be because something bad happened to you—and you want to ensure that it never happens again. Whether it was the book report in fifth grade that went badly, or the music teacher who put you in the back row and told you just to move your mouth, or a flubbed presentation at your last job, you created some beliefs around that event. Now it’s time to go back and look at those beliefs. Are they holding you back, or driving you forward?

  As human beings, we have the unique ability to creatively construct beliefs that are aligned with our intentions. You can stop, examine, and rebuild your beliefs in a way that fortifies your character and your confidence. You can choose beliefs that will propel yo
u forward, rather than hold you back.

  Imagine what would happen if you became intentional about the process. What if you started with the end in mind, and then created the beliefs that would drive you forward?

  What do you want to do in your life? And what are the beliefs you need to hold in order to accomplish your goals?

  True confidence doesn’t come from talking yourself into something that isn’t true. It comes from transforming negative beliefs that are holding you back into empowering beliefs that drive you forward.

  * * *

  SHANN

  When I was a twenty-six-year-old newspaper reporter, I got a call from Robin Bertolucci, the executive producer of the biggest radio station in San Francisco. She had heard me as a guest on one of the KGO shows.

  “You’ve got attitude,” she said. “I want you to try hosting your own talk radio show.”

  I was terrified. “I could never do that,” I told her. “I don’t have any experience in radio. I’m not an expert in politics. And I don’t have a broadcasting degree, so I’m not qualified.” [Spot the negative beliefs?]

  Luckily for me, Robin was an expert at developing new talent, and she was able to turn these beliefs around. “Think of it this way,” she said. “You can use those things as an asset, instead of a liability. You can say on the air, ‘I’m no expert; I just use my common sense.’ People will love it. The fact that you’re not an expert gives you a fresh perspective.” [Spot the positive belief?]

  I took her word for it, and accepted the new belief. The result? Ten years of my own radio show—and a whole new career.

  * * *

  Your beliefs create your reality. If you want a clue about your own negative beliefs, look at your New Year’s resolution list. What are the things that go on the list, year after year, that you never accomplish? If you’re consistently not following through on your good intentions, it may be because there’s a belief in place that is keeping you from it. If you resolve every year to exercise more, and never get around to it, you are probably holding the belief that it will be more painful to exercise than to avoid exercise. On the other hand, if you went to your doctor and she told you that you would be dead in six months unless you went jogging every day, you’d probably lace up your sneakers in a hurry. You won’t take action until you change the belief. Once the belief is strong enough, the motivation is easy.

  Luckily, it’s possible to change the beliefs that are holding you back. How do you do it? Well, words can change the world, from the microscopic to the macrocosmic level. This is true inside your head as well as in the outside world. And the process is the same.

  In the content section, you learned a procedure designed to influence another person by giving them an emotional—as well as intellectual—experience. You defined your outcome, and clarified it in terms of what they would need to know and feel. You found the relevance, and clarified your point.

  To exert influence over yourself—i.e., to shift a belief—the exact same procedure applies. To begin, as always, you must define your outcome. First, you must identify the belief that is holding you back. Imagine yourself standing on a stage in front of an audience, performing at your peak. What’s stopping you from achieving that? Do you believe that you are not smart enough, not young enough, the wrong race, the wrong size, the wrong temperament? Write down the negative belief that takes up the most space in your brain.

  A note before we proceed: this is not a bad belief. This belief was created by the part of your mind whose job it is to keep you alive. You created that story to fill some need. Perhaps it was to avoid getting yourself into frightening situations where you felt threatened. If your belief is “I am a poor speaker,” then you have a perfect excuse to keep from ever finding your voice. If you have a belief that drawing attention to yourself is bad form, then you’ll do anything to avoid the spotlight. But now you have a different need—you need to step forward and speak out. You need to be heard. You need to dramatically raise your level of influence on the people around you.

  Here’s a list of some common negative beliefs that we encounter in our work, and how they can be converted into positive beliefs that will pull you forward:

  1. “Because I’m a woman [young person, black, Asian, etc.], they don’t want to hear from me,” vs. “Because I’m a woman [young person, black, Asian, etc.] I have a unique voice and a valuable perspective.”

  2. “Because I’m too old, they won’t respect what I have to say,” vs. “Because I have maturity, I bring much-needed experience and wisdom to this topic.”

  3. “Because I already sent them the data, I don’t need to give a presentation,” vs. “The facts won’t speak for themselves; this is a chance for me to bring meaning.”

  4. “I don’t have time to prepare,” vs. “I don’t have time NOT to prepare.”

  5. “Because English isn’t my first language, I won’t sound intelligent when I speak,” vs. “Because English isn’t my first language, and I must choose my words carefully, I am concise and clear—which audiences love!”

  6. “I’m just a numbers guy, and numbers are boring,” vs. “Numbers are sexy . numbers tell the story!” (For more info on sexy numbers, see p. 57.)

  What’s the negative belief that’s holding you back? And how could you transform it into a positive belief that would pull you forward?

  Behavior is how belief walks into the world. At the heart of your ability to engage with people are the beliefs that you hold about your role as a leader. If you have negative beliefs holding you back, the tough task of a leader is roll up your sleeves and clean house. Remember that your beliefs are a choice. Align your beliefs with your intentions.

  Part Four

  * * *

  HIGH-STAKES SITUATIONS

  IF YOU’RE JUST chatting with Charlie over coffee, then feel free to wing it. But there are other times, when the pressure is on and emotions are running hot. We call these “high-stakes situations.” In these environments, you have something at stake: an important account or an important customer. It might be your personal reputation at risk, or the reputation of your entire company. You must be at your best in these moments, or you may lose something that you value. These are the times when you need a strategy. This section of the book is designed to give you that strategy.

  In Courageous Conversations, we give you the techniques to succeed in difficult one-on-one conversations. In Crisis Communication, we offer a tried-and-tested structure that will help you step into an assured leadership role in the moments after disaster strikes. Often at these moments you will have to convey your message through one or more of the various technologies available to us these days: e-mail, phone conference, video conference, or PowerPoint. So we’ve included a chapter called Using Technology to help you master that as well.

  10

  COURAGEOUS CONVERSATIONS

  HIGH-PERFORMING TEAMS AND individuals don’t have fewer problems than anyone else. But they are more willing to talk about the problems they have.

  It’s generally the conversations that you’re not having that are costing you dearly. You know the ones we’re talking about. Just the very thought of having that discussion makes your heart sink and your stomach lurch. You’ll do almost anything to avoid having these conversations. You’ll take a different path to the water cooler, handle the problem yourself when it’s not really your job, or continue earning less than you know you deserve.

  We call these courageous conversations because they take guts. It requires courage to ask someone to do something different on your behalf. But the truth is that these so-called courageous conversations are where the really juicy stuff can be found. It’s the points of disagreement and conflict that harbor the greatest potential. Resolving these issues is the fastest, most powerful way to create transformation in your life/career/relationship. And of course, if you choose not to deal with the issue, it doesn’t go away, does it? It just continues to fester until it ends up poisoning the whole relationship/fam
ily/organization.

  PUT THE FISH ON THE TABLE

  At the International Institute for Management Development (IMD) in Switzerland, they sum up this idea with the phrase “Put the fish on the table.” This is a quote from Dr. George Kohlrieser, professor of leadership at IMD and author of the book Hostage at the Table, whose work in this field has been foundational for this section. In Italy, the fish sellers stack the fish up into a huge, high pile on the table. When Kohlrieser asked why, he was told, “If you leave a fish under the table, it starts to rot and smell.” 1

  The principle is the same when it comes to dealing with those courageous conversations. You have to put the fish on the table and clean it out to get a good fish dinner. If you leave it under the table, it rots, festers, and ultimately becomes poisonous.

  What’s the fish that you need to put on the table at work? At home? In your community?

  You avoid these conversations at your own risk. It is difficult to estimate the cost of this avoidance. When the space shuttle Challenger went up, there were engineers inside the organization who knew that the O-rings could fail—and that if they failed, the whole launch system could explode. 2 And yet that knowledge was not shared within the organization of NASA as a whole. The same thing is happening every day, in teams and organizations across the world. Are you willing to speak up—and listen—when a difficult issue needs to be discussed?

  * * *

  PETER

  I was once called in to coach the CEO of a Fortune 100 pharmaceutical company who was preparing for a keynote speech. Before I was allowed to meet the boss, I was cross-examined by an army of anxious underlings:

  “What are you going to do with him?” one of them asked.