As We Speak

by Peter Meyers

  But technology on its own won’t create a bond, just as a musical instrument won’t play itself. You have to learn to play the medium so that it projects you through the space and wires. We need to use the technology in a way that keeps the human connection bright and alive, rather than letting it become deadened and gray. If you don’t use the technology skillfully, it will deaden the connection by default. So the question becomes, how do we bond, while using the technology?

  The goal is to do everything you can to humanize and personalize the medium. Think in terms of trying to warm the medium you are using. Why is it important to warm it up? Because if you are using a medium to try to impact someone, you need to use every human influence you have. The further you get from the warmth of direct, face-to-face communication, the harder you have to work at re-creating that intimacy.

  Face-to-face communication is what we call a “warm” medium. When you speak to someone who is in the same room, you have the advantage of using your body, your face, and your eyes, as well as your voice. Human beings have been doing this for hundreds of thousands of years. This is the environment where bonding is the easiest.

  Put a camera between you for a video conference, or turn the lights down in a slide presentation, and you lose a degree of physical connection with your audience. This “cools” the communication down. Take away the face, eyes, and body, and you’re left with a phone call, or audio conference. This chills everything down another notch, forcing you to rely solely on your voice to convey meaning.

  The “coldest” medium is e-mail, in which you have nothing but the written word. E-mail is the most commonly used medium of communication, but can also be the most dangerous, as anyone knows who has tried to tell a joke or be sarcastic in an e-mail—and had it go badly wrong! As the medium strips you of your human tools, in increasing degrees of “coolness,” you have to work that much harder to reach across the gap created by the electronic distance.

  E-MAIL

  More than two million e-mails are sent every second. 1 You may feel like most of them end up in your in-box. Guess what—every correspondent you have feels the same! Ever get an e-mail from someone, and feel your heart sink as soon as you see the name? You just know it’s going to be long, confusing, and need more mental bandwidth than you’ve got to spare.

  Don’t be that person. You are building your reputation conversation by conversation, and e-mail by e-mail. Make your e-mails the ones that the sender looks forward to opening—because they are brief, easy to read, and crystal clear.

  Use e-mail for what it can do well, which is deal with facts. To ask or answer a question, make a single, uninterrupted point, or send data, use e-mail—don’t phone or leave a voice mail message. People don’t want to sit through a half-hour meeting to receive information that you could have sent them in a five-minute e-mail. And they don’t want to listen to a ninety-second voice mail, full of complicated facts that they then have to write down! Do the heavy lifting for them—organize and write your thoughts down in a way that’s easy to read. Here are some suggestions to improve your e-mails:

  1. GIVE THE READER A WAY IN. Because an e-mail should be brief, you don’t have time to go through the classic elements of a ramp. But the opening sentence should still be about relevance. Make it immediately clear to the reader why she should care about what she’s about to read. “Suzanne, you did a nice job of pointing out the need for training in our organization at the last meeting. I appreciate your suggestions. Below you’ll find my response.”

  2. BEWARE OF I-ITIS. This is the disease where all your sentences start with “I.” Have a quick look through your in-box, and check out how many of your e-mails (the ones you send as well as the ones you receive!) start with the word “I.” You’ll be amazed! The cure for I-itis is proper application of the I:You ratio. (For more on the I:You ratio, see p. 54.) Your reader wants to know what’s in it for him. Talk about his favorite subject—himself. Open with the word “You.” Consider the following example of I-itis: “ I have some indicators here that I’ve put together regarding team performance. I think they’re doing well, and I’d like you to take a look at these. I think you’ll agree that my conclusions are justified.”

  And note how differently this e-mail would read if you apply a positive I:You ratio: “Since you’re concerned about how the team is performing, here are a few indicators that might reassure you.”

  Here’s another example. Contrast the following: “I want to talk to you about three things I would like you to improve: (1) delegate more to the team; (2) be more proactive in senior meetings; and (3) be more aggressive out in the field.”

  Or this: “Alex, you told me last week that you’re interested in becoming a managing director here. You know that I believe you have the skills to accomplish this. There are three things holding you back at the moment, that I think you could easily shift: (1) delegate more; (2) participate more in senior meetings; (3) be more aggressive in the field.” A side note: ideally, a management conversation like this would happen face-to-face, or at least on the phone. But the reality of today’s global environment is that sometimes you just can’t talk. It’s got to be done on e-mail. So it becomes even more important than you are intentional and conscious about the way your e-mails are coming across.

  3. PUT YOUR E-MAILS ON A DIET. Most e-mails are obese. They are way too long. The greatest courtesy you can show your reader is to use her time well; it is incredibly disrespectful to ask her to wade through long, rambling e-mails that she will have to read two or three times before she gets the point. Write your e-mail, and then go back and cut it in half. When you’re writing to a senior person, the rule is: the more senior the person, the shorter the e-mail. (Note: most people do exactly the opposite!) The higher in the organization you go, the less time they have to listen. If you write a three-paragraph e-mail to a senior manager, you run the risk that it won’t be read through to the end. Sad, but true. Brevity is power.

  4. LIMIT YOURSELF TO ONE SUBJECT PER E-MAIL. This makes it easier for the reader to respond to and file.

  5. INCLUDE ALL THE NECESSARY INFORMATION IN THE E-MAIL, so your reader doesn’t have to scroll down to figure out what you’re talking about. An e-mail that says, “It’s at three,” in the in-box of someone who receives two hundred e-mails a day is no use at all. “The Ramsey meeting is at three in the conference room,” is what he wants to know. Don’t make your reader work harder than he needs to.

  6. DO THE “FRONT PAGE TEST” BEFORE YOU HIT SEND. This means that you should never, never write anything in an e-mail that you wouldn’t be happy to see on the front page of The New York Times, with your name on it. It might feel like e-mails are casual, transitory, private things—and so it might feel safe to fire off the odd dirty joke or crack about your boss to your coworker. Nothing could be further from the truth. Consider every e-mail you write to be permanent, infinitely replicable, and easy to send all over the globe in a second—because it is. And someone in your organization may well be reading everything you write. About a third of big companies in the United States and Britain hire employees to read and analyze outbound e-mail to guard against legal, financial, or regulatory risk. 2

  7. USE ITALICS OR BOLD to create cadence, rhythm, or emphasis in your sentences. This makes it easier for the reader to understand the nuance of what you’re saying, in the absence of your voice. Note the difference in the following two sentences:

  • If you want to capture everyone’s attention, think about their needs before the meeting.

  • If you want to capture everyone’s attention, think about their needs before the meeting.

  Try to write the way you speak—conversationally, stressing operative words to make your meaning clear. Be intentional about the emotional effect you’re creating. In the absence of your eyes, face, and voice, the reader is grasping for any indication of tone. Any small indicator will be magnified—be careful. Never use all caps in an e-mail or text—it’s like shouting. Exclamation marks
can be used to heat up the emotional tone of an e-mail, which is quite cold by nature. Note the difference in emotional feel between the following:

  • Nice job.

  • Nice job!!

  8. CONSIDER NOT SENDING IT AT ALL. Do you really need to send this e-mail? Everyone in an organization is already staggering under the weight of their in-box. The most courteous thing you can do for someone is to resist the impulse to automatically copy him on things that have nothing to do with him.

  9. WHAT ABOUT THANK-YOU E-MAILS? Busy people tend to hate having their in-boxes cluttered up with extraneous e-mails, and some people consider thank-yous to fall into that category. However, this is very much a matter of personal preference, and it’s worth having a brief conversation in order to find out. There are people who think it’s incredibly rude not to send a thank-you at the end of an interaction. If you get it wrong, you’ll be constantly damaging your relationship with that person, like sandpaper on a delicate surface. It’s the kind of minor detail that a boss may not feel is worth going into battle over. But she may be gritting her teeth every time you get it wrong. So, ask!

  10. ADDING “NRN” (“NO REPLY NECESSARY”) to an e-mail is another matter of personal preference. Again, be judicious. Some people love this, considering it to be a great way to limit their workload. Others feel that it’s arrogant and obnoxious, and shuts down the channels of communication. Check in with the other person (especially if it’s your boss!) and find out how they feel about it.

  11. HOW ABOUT EMOTICONS and the cute little abbreviations like LOL, etc.? If you’re in a formal organizational environment, proceed with extreme caution. Generally emoticons are not considered good form among senior leaders, and from a cost-benefit angle, it’s hardly worthwhile. If you use an emoticon in an e-mail to someone who despises them, you will damage your own brand with her. Is it really worth it, just for the sake of adding a smiley face? We suggest that you save the emoticons for your friends and family.

  12. REGARDING EMOTIONS IN GENERAL: If you’re involved in an e-mail exchange and emotions start to run hot, it’s generally best to try to get off the e-mail and pick up the phone. But sometimes, the cool temperature of an e-mail can be a useful tool—especially if you’re likely to lose your temper in a face-to-face confrontation! It provides time to reflect, and a way for you to get your point across in a calm and orderly way. You can even add a ramp framed around meeting the reader’s interest. For example:

  Dear Carlos,

  As you know, Padma needs a final decision from us on how we are going to handle this new account by the end of the day. I imagine that you’re as eager as I am to demonstrate our ability to collaborate and do what’s best for the team, despite our disagreement at the meeting today. I think we both agree on the goal, even if we favor different means of getting there. Below, I’ve outlined three ways we might move forward together. I’d love to get your input on this.

  Best,

  Miyako

  PHONE

  Before you make a phone call, take thirty seconds to clarify your outcome. What do you want to happen during the course of the conversation? Why should they care? What’s your message, in one sentence? This is particularly important if you’re trying to repair the bond with someone if things have gotten confusing or emotional.

  Human beings are naturally designed to read each other’s physical cues—the body speaks first. On the phone, because you can’t see the other person, it’s hard to tell how they’re reacting to you. To compensate for this lack, ask questions that confirm understanding. Pause to find out if they’re still with you. Our experience is that you shouldn’t go for more than seven minutes in an audio conference without stopping to check in with the participants. You can say, “Let me pause here and see if there are any questions,” or “How does that sound so far?” or “What are your thoughts on this, Lucia?” or “Is what I’m saying consistent with what you need to know?” or “How does this sound so far?”

  On the phone, your voice is the only thing you’ve got. The good news is that your voice can be a powerful tool. The bad news is that on the phone we have a tendency to depress our volume and level of passion. When we listen to a speaker for an extended period of time over the phone, just as in a presentation, the primary problem we encounter is monotone.

  Boredom comes from sameness. If you drone on and on, your listeners will fall asleep. When you’re on the phone, it’s even more important to bring color and vibrancy to your voice—or, as we say, cultivate vocal variety. (For a review on creating vocal variety, see p. 109.) To check your own vocal variety on the phone, relisten to the message each time you leave a voice mail. In radio, we call this an “air check,” and it’s the best way to find out how your voice is interacting with the technology. How does your voice sound? Are you flat or vibrant? Monotonous or varied? Are you conveying warmth and personal presence through the line?

  Presence comes from energy. Since the tendency on the phone is to flatten out, the solution is to use more energy—without shouting. John Erlendson, the owner of JE Talent in San Francisco and a well-known voice-over teacher, describes this as “imploding” your voice. To do this you create resistance at the front of the mouth, and imagine focusing your voice on the head of a pin—like Horton Hears a Who!

  It’s important to be in a performance state on a phone call, just as when you’re speaking in front of a live audience. But it’s more difficult. Onstage, your adrenaline will charge you up. On the phone, we tend to get lazy and complacent because we talk on the phone so frequently.

  Think about creating an active vitality in your eyes, lips, and cheeks as you speak. The aim here is not to be theatrical, but to animate your voice to the level where it is easy for the listener to absorb your ideas. Rarely does someone come off a call and say, “I wish she hadn’t been so animated!”

  If the call is important, move to the edge of your chair and sit up straight. Keeping your chest from collapsing inward will improve the quality of your voice. If the call is critical, stand up! Research shows that your brain works better from the standing position. If you’re tired, standing or sitting up straight will give you a welcome energy surge.

  * * *

  MASTER TIP: Speak with a slight smile on your face. The listener can hear it.

  * * *

  Try this: Go back and read the preceding paragraph with drooping facial muscles, slumped shoulders, and a collapsed chest. No, really. Try it. Now sit up straight, pull your shoulders back, put a grin on your face, and read it again. Hear the difference? It changes your voice, and your listener will register the difference every time. It gives your voice a quality of aliveness and vitality. If you want to hold people’s attention, you’re going to have to dig deep and find that energetic level that will make it a pleasure to listen to you.

  A phone call involves the interaction of your voice and phone technology. So use good technology. Get off the speakerphone—it gives your voice an echoing, distant quality and makes you difficult to understand. Instead, invest in a good-quality handset or a headset. Speak into the mouthpiece, and keep it relatively close to your mouth. Call someone you trust, and ask them how you sound. Try to create a sense of warmth and intimacy. Newscasters are trained to imagine that they’re speaking into someone’s ear, instead of shouting into a crowd.

  Avoid monologues. Say three or four sentences and then pause to ask a question. You lose the listener’s focus after four sentences. On the phone you need to keep your sentences short and move your ideas forward faster, or your listeners will get bored. Don’t repeat yourself.

  * * *

  SHANN

  On the radio, our jobs depended on our ratings—and the ratings were calculated every quarter hour. If you got boring, the listener would simply change to another station. Imagine that your listener is sitting there with a dial in his hand, ready to tune you out if you lose his attention—and that your job depends on keeping him engaged!”

  * * *

  AUDI
O CONFERENCING

  It’s not enough to be able to communicate well with just one person on the phone—these days, you need to be able to function well while communicating with an entire group of people whom you can’t see. During phone conferences, participants tend to phone in and then put their phones on mute, listening with half an ear while they tend to their e-mails and other tasks. Everyone can hear what’s being said, but no one has the responsibility to respond. This creates an environment where the levels of energy and engagement are so low that it’s difficult to get anything accomplished—resulting in endlessly long conferences that drain enthusiasm and soak up huge amounts of time. Imagine how good it would be for your reputation to be known as the person who conducts phone conferences that are so clear, interesting, and brief that everyone looks forward to being involved!

  In order to conduct a successful audio conference, someone needs to be in charge of hosting the call, or it will turn into a chat session and waste everyone’s time. If you’ve called the meeting, then take charge. You’ve got to move at a good pace, create presence through the medium, and remove the quality of anonymity that keeps participants on mute. If you can prepare an agenda and send it out in advance so that people know what’s coming, terrific. But we know that in the real world, people are often in meetings back to back, with no time to look ahead to the next one. So, we just learn to build the airplane in midair. Here’s how:

  FRAME THE MEETING. What are you doing? Is it a creative meeting to generate ideas, or a fact-finding mission? Are you exploring different opinions, solving a problem, making a decision, airing things out, bringing people closer, clearing the air, pursuing the truth, or defining a strategy? Get clear on your outcome. What are you committed to achieving by the end of this meeting?