by Peter Meyers
Part Five gives you a three-part strategy to accomplish this by first creating a personal vision. Then you will look at the important people in your organization (or personal life) and you will set up a relationship dashboard to keep them front of mind. Finally, you’ll learn techniques that will allow you to collaborate and innovate with others.
You are the artist of your own life; you craft your own reality, day to day, conversation by conversation. When you know what you stand for, you know what you want to create. And then you will find your voice—and make it heard.
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CREATING A PERSONAL VISION
All things are created twice. There’s a mental or first creation, and a physical or second creation to all things.
—STEPHEN COVEY 1
GREAT LEADERS CREATE a shared vision. Great speeches are driven by the need to bring that vision alive. Before the words, before the slides, you need the ability to go to the source of your own inspiration. Create a vision, by starting with your own life.
Most of us live in reaction to the things happening around us. We get pushed down the path of life by the demands of people and events, rushing from one urgent situation to another. We’re constantly putting out fires and responding to the requirement of the moment. If you’ve ever fallen into the trap of being yanked through life by your to-do list, you recognize this feeling. And at the end of a day—even a successful day, when you’ve checked off most of the items on your list—it’s easy to feel empty.
Now imagine getting to the end of your life—and looking back with that same feeling. We can get confused by the activity trap, hypnotized into thinking that staying busy will give our lives meaning.
But there’s a big difference between success and fulfillment. The system will drive you toward success at any cost, and yet it’s entirely possible to do well at work and still feel unfulfilled. “Great,” you might end up thinking. “Now that I’m successful, why do I feel so empty?” Roman philosopher Seneca the Younger put it this way: “If you have no port of call, no wind is a good wind.” 2
It’s your job to make sure that you’re fulfilled in your life. In order to do this, it’s critical to be articulate about your own values. We want to invite you to get off the merry-go-round for a minute, and take a look at what matters most to you. If communication is the way in which we create change, and manifest our deepest hopes and dreams, it’s important to identify what those hopes and dreams are. If you were to start up a new company tomorrow, one of the first things you would ask yourself is what the vision of the organization would be. Where are you going, and how do you want to get there? How do you want to be perceived by the people who use your services? What kind of reputation do you want to have? You wouldn’t dream of embarking on a business venture without doing this kind of clarification first. If it’s good enough for a start-up venture, it’s good enough for your life.
What is the vision that you have for your life? Where are you going, and more important, why? Without a deep sense of purpose about what you really want and why you want it, you run the risk that your communication becomes just another tool to get you through the day. Why is it worth spending time on your own vision? Well, if you don’t have a personal vision, someone else will surely come up with a vision for you. You’ll get pushed and pulled around by the needs of others and things will get decided—just not by you. So take control! The tool we use for this purpose is called a vision statement.
A vision statement is not a list of goals, or things to do. It’s not about how much money you make, what kind of house you own, or which job you have. 3 It is a statement about the qualities of character by which you commit to live. This process is often taken for granted, because we just adopt a vague list of “good character” qualities from our families, communities, or churches. Rarely do people stop and decide in an intentional way how they want to craft their own character. This is essential in communication, because often it’s not what you say but how you say it that comes through the loudest. And that comes from your character. Once created, your personal vision statement becomes a North Star by which you can guide yourself and make decisions.
The following exercise is designed to help you clarify a vision for yourself. It’s designed to be experiential. To do it, you’re going to need a quiet space, some uninterrupted time, paper, and a good pen. You can do it on your computer if you like, but new brain research tells us that the personal discovery process goes deeper when you write with paper and pen. As you write during this exercise, we’re going to ask you to use automatic writing; write without stopping, without taking the pen off the paper, and without evaluating or critiquing your own words. Capture as much information as you can possibly download from your brain. You can go back and fix the writing later, but don’t edit while you write. Be unrestrained! Allow the thoughts to flow freely, like water in a river.
The audio download accompanying this book (go to www.standanddelivergroup.com ) will walk you through this process in a way that will stimulate your imagination and the power of your subconscious. If possible, turn on the download now and complete the exercise.
STEPPING INTO YOUR FUTURE
The words you hear on the audio go something like this: Step into your future. Depending on how old you are now, imagine yourself ten, twenty, or thirty years from now, ready to retire. You are looking back at a life and a career full not only of success, but of personal fulfillment.
You’ve accomplished many of the goals you set out to achieve. But more important, there is a deep sense of satisfaction that you have lived a life in line with your character, your values, and the person you intended to be. Imagine looking back from the rocking chair at a life of contribution, during which you have made a real difference for your family, your colleagues, and your community.
You’re now at the end of your career, and you’ve had such an amazing impact on the people around you that they’re throwing you a retirement dinner. Imagine that you’re walking into a beautiful restaurant, filled with tables covered with white tablecloths and set for a three-course meal. As you walk in, you see people with whom you spent time over the past thirty or forty years, in a variety of jobs. Friends, colleagues, bosses, direct reports—the room is filled with them, all dressed in their best, smiling and waving at you.
As the salad is served and the meal begins, someone in the middle of the room stands up and clinks a glass. You look up and see someone you’ve always looked up to and respected. It could be your past or current boss, your father, or a mentor. He or she says, “You’ve impacted all of us in the room, in one way or another. I would like to open with a toast.” Now, write the toast you’d ideally like to hear; the words that would confirm that you lived the life you wanted to live. Remember, don’t be reasonable. This isn’t what you think they will say but what you would like them to say. Be generous with yourself. Give yourself permission to dream. (After each section, we have included some prompts to stimulate the imagination if you need them. Use them as suggestive guides, or ignore them, as you choose.)
What kind of behaviors did he see in you? When did you have courage, while others backed off? What new initiatives did you conceive, what new ideas did you propose? How did you take a stand when other people sat down? Where were you innovative? What does this person say about the way you handled yourself during times of transition? How did you set a new standard? Keep the pen going, and let the ideas flow out of it. What would surprise you? Breathe into the scene, step into it, as if you were really there. What did he discover about himself? How did you help him? In what different ways did you become a model?
PROMPTS: “What I remember most about you is . When things got difficult, we could always count on you to . Even though I saw you struggle at times, what you always demonstrated was . When I think about how you impacted the people here, what I remember most is . The one thing that always distinguished you was . ”
Stay in the scene. The first toast is over, and there was a massive round of
applause. Now the main course is being served. Another person stands up and raises a glass. This is a friend, a colleague, a partner, or a spouse: someone who worked side by side with you for many years, and knows you well. Write the toast that would bring a huge smile to your face.
PROMPTS: “I also want to say something about you, and how you’ve always been there for me . When I needed help, you . What you did that always surprised me was . What I remember most is . What I learned from you was . You always . You changed my life many times by . I’ll never forget the time you . I saw you struggle, and I saw how you conducted yourself. What impressed me the most was . ”)
Now dessert has been served, and the guests are drinking cognac and coffee. The evening is drawing to a close, when suddenly someone rushes into the middle of the dining room. You look up. It’s someone whom you had hoped would be there, but had given up on because he or she lives so far away. You look up to see that standing in front of you is your son, your daughter, your niece or nephew—someone who looked up to you as a child. A waiter hands him or her a glass; he or she raises it.
“Mom [or Dad], I know I said I couldn’t make it, but I wouldn’t have missed this for the world. Before the evening is over, I’d like to say a few words about the impact you’ve had on my life.” Write the toast. What would you hear that would make you think it had all been worthwhile?
PROMPTS: “No matter where I go, I’ll always remember . While I was growing up, what I remember most about you . You taught me a lot of things, but what I learned most by watching you was . We had our rough times, but the thing you did that kept us together was . You never ceased to surprise me, especially when you . The thing I learned from you, that I taught my own kids was . )
YOUR PERSONAL VISION STATEMENT
Congratulations—you’ve just stepped into an imagined future for yourself. The images, feelings, and language you summoned to do this exercise give you a vivid picture of what’s important to you. This is useful information. While it may seem that you were just writing toasts, what you’ve actually done is capture the values that you consider essential to your own life fulfillment. Whatever you wrote in those toasts reflects your highest aspirations for the future. Notice that very few of those values have to do with a big house, a new boat, or meeting your sales targets.
Qualities of character are the things that last; these toasts represent your aspirations. You already have everything you need to achieve this, starting now. It’s a way of being that requires no preparation, and no purchase of special equipment. The next step is to distill this information into a more usable form.
First, go back through the toasts and circle anything that looks like a value. If someone said, “You were always the one I could turn to,” that means you value loyalty. If someone else said, “You were willing to think creatively,” you value innovation. Notice which themes and patterns occur over and over again. Jot them down. These are your values.
Now you’re ready to write your personal vision statement. This is a simple paragraph, or list, that crystallizes the way in which you aspire to live your life, in order to walk your personal values into the world. Use sentences that begin with phrases like “I am committed to . ” and “I will seek . ” Define roles in your life, and look for an inspiration vision for each. “As a father I will . ” “As a husband I will . ” “As a boss I will . ” What do you stand for? What do you believe in? What drives you? What fulfills you? What gives you a sense of purpose?
For inspiration, here are two classic examples. The first is Mahatma Gandhi’s “Resolution”:
I shall not fear anyone on Earth.
I shall fear only God.
I shall not bear ill will toward anyone.
I shall not submit to injustice from anyone.
I shall conquer untruth by truth.
And in resisting untruth, I shall put up with all suffering. 4
And here is Benjamin Franklin:
1. Chastity: Rarely use venery but for health or offspring, never to dullness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another’s peace or reputation.
2. Cleanliness: Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, clothes, or habitation.
3. Frugality: Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself; (i.e., waste nothing.)
4. Industry: Lose no time; be always employed in something useful; cut off all unnecessary actions.
5. Justice: Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the benefits that are your duty.
6. Moderation: Avoid extremes; forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve.
7. Order: Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time.
8. Resolution: Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve.
9. Silence: Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation.
10. Sincerity: Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly.
11. Temperance: Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation.
12. Tranquility: Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable. 5
Here are some more examples, from ordinary people. Michelle is a manager who works in a factory:
I’m committed to consistently bringing out the best in people. As a manager I will bring a quality of generosity, kindness, and insight to my work. I will challenge fixed ideas in the status quo, but constantly strive to be a team player. I will do what’s best for the group. I will keep my promises and commitments. I will always give people the benefit of the doubt and seek forgiveness myself. I will hold no grudges. I will be forward-thinking, constantly searching for new ideas. I will do what’s best for the company, but I will look out for my people first. I will think of my team as members of my extended family. I will lead by example, never asking my team to do anything I’m not willing to do myself. I’ll go the extra mile, seeking to create fairness and value in other people’s lives. I will be thoughtful, deliberate, and intentional about the words I choose when I communicate with people, seeking always to leave someone feeling better when I walk away than they did before.
Your vision statement might be quite brief. Aiko is a consultant:
I will seek to have fun, bringing joy, playfulness, and a sense of humor to all my relationships. I will remind myself and the people around me that it is a choice to be happy. I will commit to being kindhearted. I will always look for the lighter side of things.
GETTING PRACTICAL
Okay, so now you have a personal vision statement. What do you do with it?
Like a compass, your vision statement is a guide that will always help you determine whether or not you’re on course. In order to correct your course, you need some way of measuring where you are. Look first at where you’re spending the most precious nonrenewable resource you have—your time.
Start by writing down between five and seven roles that you play in your life. For example: employee, boss, husband, father, church member, brother, son. Now imagine that you have 100 points total to allocate to these roles. Quickly estimate and write down the number of points—out of 100—that you are spending on each role at the moment. (Hint: if the final total is over 100, that’s interesting, too. It shows you that you’re not being realistic about your work-life balance. You’re overcommitted.) Now go back and reread your vision statement. Does your point allocation line up with the values that you discovered to be important to you? (And if it’s over 100—how do you need to rebalance your time so that you’re not so overextended?) If you really want to jolt yourself into action, think yourself ten years into the future. Then think fifteen years . twenty years. If nothing changes, and you continue spending your time the way you’re spending it right now, how will those retirement dinner toasts sound? Will you hear what you dream of hearing?
For most people who do this exercise, the result is astonishing, and usually painful. The vast majority of folks have it exactly backward. They are spe
nding the least amount of time and energy on the roles and relationships that are actually the most important to their personal values and the way they want to live their life.
So here’s the important question: What would your point allocation need to be if you were living in a way that was consistent with your own personal values and vision statement? Write down those roles, along with the point allocation that you would need to live the life you want to live. Now pick three key people per role, with whom you need to relate successfully, to accomplish the goals that you have for your life. We’ll explore ways to develop successful communication strategies with those people in the next chapter.
Why is this important? Because it’s no use having a lot of personal values that simply sit on the shelf in a binder. You have to put your values to work in a practical way, using them to guide your communication choices. In order to help you do that, we’ve created something called the relationship dashboard, detailed in the following chapter.
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RELATIONSHIP DASHBOARD
Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.
MICHAEL CORLEONE, THE GODFATHER: PART TWO
WHATEVER YOU DO to make a living, you’re in the relationship business. Your success in any organization (including a family) is the sum total of the interactions that you have every day—in person, over the phone, by e-mail, letter, fax, or text. Your ability to manage these relationships strategically requires a tool for keeping everyone in sight. Most of us manage these relationships by default. We react when we see an e-mail or phone message, or when a problem arises. You might say that we have an urgency addiction—we only take care of our relationships when the blinking light draws our attention to an emergency.