by Peter Meyers
Many of us tend to block the ideas of others because new ideas can be frightening. Risk reduction is a powerful driver. The moment you stop saying, “Yes, but . ,” things can get scary. It takes a certain amount of emotional discipline to stay open, and truly listen without blocking. But you may find that it improves not only the quality of your ideas, but also the closeness of your relationships. Try to keep from imposing your negativity on others. If you can hold your own ideas in abeyance, you remain much more open to change. As a leader, it’s your responsibility to demonstrate the ability to stay open.
Try this with your family. What could you do together this weekend that you’ve never done before? Kids will love the process, although it’s not natural for them—the default reaction for everyone is to be automatically negative about someone else’s ideas. Initiate the process during the main course, and by dessert you could have an entire new game plan for family time. The only rule is that you must say, “Yes, and . ,” instead of, “Yes, but . ,” After you’ve generated twenty-five crazy ideas, go back and sift through for the one or two diamonds.
If you can do it with your family at home, you can do it with your team at work. Set a goal of creating an environment that makes people say, “I love being on that guy’s team.”
CONCLUSION: PRESENCE
Some people walk into a room and light it up. Some people walk out of a room and light it up.
—ANTHONY ROBBINS 1
IS PRESENCE SOMETHING you were born with, or something that you can cultivate? After twenty years of coaching tens of thousands of people, we are convinced that presence is something available to each and every one of us. Presence is energy. It is the full, uncompromising energy that comes pouring through when a person is passionately committed to what she is saying or doing.
A baby can have presence. Watch a baby trying to walk, and you will see presence at its best. Every cell in his body is totally focused on his outcome. There is no doubt, no fear, no limiting belief. After falling down two or three times, the baby doesn’t say, “Well, I guess I’m just not a walker.” He keeps going. He is completely absorbed in his pursuit of the goal, and we watch him with complete attention.
Nothing is more fascinating than watching a human being completely immersed in a task that he considers worthwhile—especially when it’s difficult. The harder the task, the more presence a person has when he is committed to it. And the more compelling he is to watch.
So, if we have natural presence as babies, how do we lose it? You kill presence with the massive amount of energy that you expend covering up who you really are. Most of us spend most of our time trying to look good and avoid mistakes. Because we are frightened in a presentation situation, we protect ourselves by putting on “armor.” Your natural vitality is being sapped by the weight of the armor that you’re holding up, trying to keep your true self from being seen. It requires a lot of excess energy to hide. Armor is heavy.
Developing presence is a process of subtraction, not addition. You don’t need to add anything. What you must do is take away the thing that is veiling your authentic self. Presence has to do with pulling back the curtains and peeling off the armor. It takes courage to be vulnerable in front of a group of people. But your authentic self is the well from which your leadership presence will spring. Allow the audience to really see you, without trying to hide or defend.
Nothing will kill presence faster than a halfhearted attempt. If you go out there without a clear commitment, or with puny, selfish goals (“looking good,” or “just getting through the speech”) then your presence will be puny, because your purpose is puny. Presence = purpose + energy.
You can also kill presence by being preoccupied with your fear. Fear is a real emotion that everyone experiences. Pushing your fear down and covering it up will only waste your energy and drop your presence. You need to be present with your fear. One way to do this is the ancient Buddhist meditation practice of tonglen, as taught by Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön.
To practice tonglen, you breathe in whatever you are feeling, with the intention of breathing it right into your heart. You pause for a moment, to feel connected with all the people all over the world who are feeling the exact same thing, at this very moment. Then you breathe out relief, for yourself and for everyone else who is suffering. Tonglen reverses our usual habit of avoiding suffering and seeking pleasure. By turning toward your fear and breathing it in, then releasing it, you embrace your demons—and they vanish. Your poison becomes your own medicine.
So, we’ve talked about ways that we diminish our own presence.
Now, how do we actively go about the process of cultivating presence?
1. CHANGE YOUR STATE. The process of cultivating presence begins before you walk into the room. Start by preparing your body. Become intentional about the way you stand. Lift your chest and solar plexus, and open up the curtains in front of your face. Stand as if you could dilate your own pupils, and let presence flood out of your eyes.
2. DEFINE YOUR OUTCOME in terms of a contribution: what are you giving people with this speech or presentation? Aim your mind’s eye at possibility. Ask yourself questions that create energy, passion, and drive. Make a passionate commitment of energy to your goal.
3. FIND THE RELEVANCE. This time, you’re thinking about why this matters to you. Why is this the right thing to do? Identify the fundamental beliefs you have about yourself that reinforce your actions. Think about your greater purpose. Power comes to those who serve. Connect with the part of yourself that is serving a larger purpose, for the larger community, and watch your presence grow. As George Bernard Shaw said, “This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one . I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community and as long as I live it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can. It is a sort of splendid torch which I have got hold of for the moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations.”
PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER
How often do we stop and realize what an honor it is that other people have taken time out of their day and come to us, by phone or in person, because they want to hear from us? The Masai tribe believes that words are like food—they should be offered with the intention to nourish.
We agree.
The listener wants you to speak. They have come for something. They are hungry. They’re hoping that you can give them something that they didn’t have before they came in.
How can we create narratives that will feed one another?
Once we shift from thinking, “Do I have the right words?” to, “How do I provide an experience that will nurture my listener?” then the words and the slides become about creating that experience. Not, “How will I be judged,” but “How can I best serve their needs?”
No matter where you are in an organization, whether you are the secretary or the CEO, you’ve got to serve someone. The secretary answers to the CEO—but the CEO answers to the board, and the board answers to the shareholders. We are all in service.
Being in service to someone else solves your biggest problem—your self-consciousness. Get rid of your self-consciousness and everything else—your hands, eyes, body, voice, content, ideas, and delivery—all fall into line, in a magical, virtuous spiral that will take you to levels of peak performance that you never imagined possible.
When you stop worrying about what they think of you, and concern yourself with what you can bring to them, then any tendency you might have toward inauthenticity, charlatanism, or spin will drop away.
What a delight, to wake up every morning and realize that you’ve got this hidden power, through your words. You have this gift to give. You can make a difference in people’s lives, all day long, simply by speaking to them.
You cannot not communicate. Everything you say and do sends a message. There is no neutral. We are constantly affecting people.
How often do we stop and ask what that effect is?
We rarely pause to ask the question, “Have I left this person feeling uplifted, warmed, enlightened? Or have I left them confused, angry, and frustrated?” You don’t have to be some sort of saint when you communicate. You simply have to be intentional and aware.
Begin to ask the question, “What is my intention for this meeting? What is the experience that I want them to have?”
To become intentional about your impact on others not only shifts the quality of your conversations—it begins to alter the path in front of you. Communicating in this way shifts your own destiny. Imagine five years from now—what would it be like, to see the way in which those thousands of conversations have inexorably taken your life in a new direction? Even the slightest change in your approach impacts everyone around you. How many tens of thousands of lives will you touch in the next decade, each conversation rippling through lives and cascading through communities? What differences would you see after fifteen years? A whole career? A lifetime?
When you do something for the greater good, rather than just for yourself, it brings about a different way of being. It comes with a built-in generosity of ideas, a surge of spirit and empathy. At that moment, you’re able to tap into the thing that makes us uniquely human. You can see—and share—things that are not yet knowable, that can just barely be imagined.
The gap between what is and what might be, is often bridged by your words. This is, literally, the meaning of the word inspire —to breathe life into another human being. This is what it’s all about.
In our normal day-to-day routine, we are generally completely unconscious when we speak to each other. We just go on automatic pilot. Consider the possibility that each word is a way of touching another person. Speak to another person with the intention of creating something that wasn’t there before.
Martha Graham, one of the best-known teachers and choreographers of modern dance, said it this way: “There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost.”
The words that you were born to say will remain unspoken if you don’t summon the courage to speak them.
Show up in the world. Be generous with your voice. Share what you have to say. Give your gift; the world is waiting to receive it.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
THERE’S AN OLD saying in Texas: “If you see a turtle sitting on a fence post, you know he didn’t get up there by himself.”
We’d like to offer our deepest appreciation to all the folks who helped put us up on the fence post. We couldn’t have done it without them.
You learn from the people you hang out with.
We’re fortunate to have learned from some of the very best—our colleagues at Stand & Deliver. We’d like to thank the incredibly talented theater directors, actors, and performers who have joined the faculty, bringing their expertise and inspiration. They have all been instrumental in helping us to explore human communication in ways that bring humor, drama, heart, and emotion to the process. They include (in alphabetical order) Rich Cox, Nike Doukas, Janice Erlendson, William Hall, Alexandria Hilton, Dan Klein, Jeff Raz, Richard Seyd, Melissa Smith, Deb Sussel, Robert Weinapple, and the invaluable support of assistant Cassondra Prince.
To Peter Borland, who saw the vision, said yes, and gave us the opportunity to make it real. But more than that—when it really mattered, he rolled up his sleeves, put his hands in the dough, and pounded the book into shape. From the bread to the baker—thank you! It would never have happened without you.
To Nick Simonds, who patiently helped us get the whole thing into shape.
To Bonnie Nadell, who worked with us from the beginning, made it all possible, and held our hands the whole way.
To Sarah Gershman, Rob Baedeker, and Rachel Finkelstein, our wonderful research assistants, who tracked down all those tricky quotes and statistics, and worked like fiends to get it all done in time.
To Dr. George Kohlrieser, who has been a mentor. Without his guidance and inspiration this book would not be possible.
Peter says: It’s often said we teach what we most need to learn. To my family, Marcia, Lucas, and Tyler, who have never faltered in their love and support—thank you for your patience! I dedicate this book to the memory of my father, Howard Meyers, who early on instilled in me the value of the spoken word as the greatest gift we have.
Shann says: To my darling husband, Rich, who did everything but put me on his back and carry me cross-country during this project—and if I had asked, would have done that as well. Where have you been all my life? I love you. To my family—Taid, Ceris, Elen, Joli, and Benjamin—you were all brilliant. Thanks for all the support—and for being understanding about all the deadline stress! And thank you to my parents, Ann and Don Nix. I learned the great pleasures of inspirational communication across their dinner table.
APPENDIX 1: Further Assessment
You’ve already examined your communication from the inside out. Now we’re going to take a look from the outside in. A self-assessment is your opinion of yourself. But when you’re communicating, the only thing that really counts is other people’s experience of you. To find out what that is, make five copies of the communication feedback form on page 261. (You can also download fresh forms at www.standanddeliverygroup.com.) Hand them out to at least five people you know. Ask them to complete the questions. Keep the forms anonymous, so that they can be completely honest. They don’t have to add up the numbers for you—you’ll do that later.
Now take the following steps:
1. When you get the forms back, add up the numbers. Plot the dot from each person separately, on the performance grid from page 24. Look for clusters or patterns, which will show you how you’re being received. For example, you may think you have great content, but lack in delivery. When your team hands back their sheets, you may be shocked to discover that they think your delivery is quite strong, but your content is just okay. Do an analysis. What are you seeing? Where are the patterns? Are there gaps between how you perceive yourself and how other people perceive you? In the end, it’s not what you say, it’s what people remember.
2. If you’re really serious about improving your performance, hand out five copies of the communication feedback form to customers, five to colleagues, and five to family members. This is a fascinating snapshot of your communication in the real world, and it might surprise you! It might turn out that you’re great at communicating to your team at work, but you get home and just grunt at your family. Or maybe you’re giving everything to your customers, and not much to your coworkers. Are you showing up differently with different people? Are there patterns? Are you giving your best to some people and taking others for granted? If the answer is yes, consider the cost!
(For instructions, please refer to pages 25 –28.)
Communication Feedback Form
CONTENT
PLEASE RESPOND TO THE FOLLOWING WITH:
5 = almost always true
4 = usually true
3 = sometimes true
2 = usually not true
1 = almost never true
He/she brings insightful analysis and relevant detail to presentations and supports ideas with evidence and examples to illustrate key points.
He/she speaks to my emotional needs, as well as my intellectual concerns.
He/she uses stories and vivid imagery to help me feel and see what is being described.
He/she creates powerful closings that come full circle—reinforcing the key point and leaving me feeling satisfied.
He/she creates a strong opening by talking about what I care about. He/she rarely opens by talking about him/herself.
His/her talks resemble an engaging story more than a presentation of information.
He/she typically opens a conversation or presentation with a central theme, which is reinforced througho
ut.
He/she organizes ideas in an integrated and sequential flow with ideas building upon each other, making it easier for me to understand.
He/she uses brevity, and never goes on too long. I leave presentations knowing exactly what he/she was saying.
There is a clear purpose and objective when he/she speaks. I am consistently moved to new insight, decision, or action by his/her words.
His/her language is fresh, active, and easy to understand. He/she rarely uses vague or confusing jargon, acronyms, or clichés.
< CONTENT TOTAL SCORE
CONTENT
PLEASE RESPOND TO THE FOLLOWING WITH:
PLEASE RESPOND TO THE FOLLOWING WITH:
5 = almost always true
4 = usually true
3 = sometimes true
2 = usually not true
1 = almost never true
He/she is responsive to what is happening in the moment and adjusts as needed.
He/she uses gestures comfortably in front of a group and rarely looks awkward using his/her hands.