by Henry Green
HEAD PORTER
From here to the docks twenty minutes, Madame. If I order for seven o’clock, all right sir?
HE
Why so early?
HEAD PORTER
Big crowds many people on such boats in Spanish Holy Week.
HE
We don’t in fact have our cabins reserved unfortunately. But will you order the taxi then? I have the actual tickets for the boat for the crossing here. Would you like to look at them?
(Produces book of tickets and hands them over to Head Porter who examines them. A look of deep sympathy comes over his face as he leafs through each page.)
HEAD PORTER
These tickets no good sir.
HE
What! But I paid for them.
HEAD PORTER
I much regret sir.
HE
But now look here.
SHE
Don’t be ridiculous. They’re issued and paid for, didn’t you hear?
HE
Look at the name of the Travel Agency. As a matter of fact it’s been nationalised, it belongs to the British Government now.
HEAD PORTER
I’m sorry sir. You see this is Spain.
HE
Don’t I know it. Oh dear what is all this about?
HEAD PORTER
I much regret here in our country all travel tickets must be controlled. You must register them at the city you will leave on the day you take train or boat.
SHE
But it’s disgraceful.
HE
Just a minute darling. Very well, it’s only three p.m. now. Fifteen hours you call it. Send these tickets down to the office and jolly well have these tickets controlled then or whatever you call it.
HEAD PORTER
I cannot, sir and Madame. The office he is closed.
HE
On a Friday afternoon?
SHE
When I could go out of here now and have my hair done anywhere.
HEAD PORTER
It is Spanish Holy Week. Everywhere closed at 12.30.
HE
Not here though in this hotel.
HEAD PORTER
We never close. Even through the war we keep open.
(He hands book of tickets back.)
SHE
(Despairing.)
Oh darling!
HE
(To Head Porter.)
But look we got into this place by wagon-lit train at two-thirty from Paris, fourteen and a half hours, do you understand. How could we have got to your office by 12.30 hours? Why, we were still rolling across bridges and going through tunnels then.
SHE
But what are we to do?
HE
(To Head Porter.)
Now come, my dear friend, just kindly look at these tickets again. See, today’s date is perforated on them, and it says ‘Barcelona to Majorca’, so what?
(Hands booklet back to Head Porter.)
HE
Are there two services daily?
HEAD PORTER
No sir. One alone.
(Head Porter holds tickets up to light to study perforations.)
SHE
(Whispering.)
My dear this man is slightly rabid. He doesn’t want people to get through. Pay no attention. They give him a commission on all those he keeps here.
HE
I’m not so sure.
(To Head Porter.)
Now you’ve seen those perforated dates on the tickets what is your real opinion?
HEAD PORTER
(Handing tickets back.)
You could try sir.
HE
Try what?
HEAD PORTER
If I order your taxi as was arranged the lady and you may travel to the dock. But I infinitely regret. You understand. Holy Week in Barcelona. And Good Friday too. And yet . . . you can try. Go to the ship, no?
HE
You can get the taxi?
HEAD PORTER
Of that I am certain. I myself guarantee the taxi. Pay double but no tip.
HE
Understood. I’m trusting you, mind.
HEAD PORTER
I go now Madame and sir, and I arrange.
(Head Porter departs.)
SHE
Is it hopeless? What d’you think?
HE
I’m so sorry this has happened.
SHE
My dear it’s not your fault. Just wait till I get back to that Travel Agency.
HE
Waiter, another brandy. Oh well this is the first hitch after all.
SHE
Aren’t you going to order me a sherry? I’ve only had one.
HE
My dear I’m sorry I thought you said you were going to have your bath.
SHE
So I did. So never mind.
HE
You are sure? No, about these tickets my instinct is to get down to the boat and see what can be done. There must be an office on board where these things can be arranged.
SHE
I expect so. Well I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I think I should go up now and have my bath.
(Both stand up.)
I expect I’ll feel better then.
HE
I’m so sorry about all this darling.
SHE
Darling, it hasn’t happened yet. Don’t fuss so and just for my sake don’t have another brandy. Change to beer or something. Be seeing you, in about an hour.
(Fade out to London studio: where husband sits alone in armchair.)
HE
Of course you know I was very tired before we started on this holiday to Majorca. In fact my doctor had told me to get away, or else. Didn’t tell my wife that though, no point in upsetting her unnecessarily. But as they say I was very tired by the time we got to Barcelona. Granted we were travelling in the most luxurious way which naturally we couldn’t afford, yet any travelling exhausts me. I think it may be the vibration. So what with being pretty dead beat before we started, this trouble over controlling the boat tickets began to get me down sitting over my brandy at the Ritz. As a matter of fact, looking back on it now, I fancy I was more dubious about the fat great Hotel Porter ever getting us the taxi. Something my wife said about ‘did he get a commission on the guests he kept in the hotel’ stuck in my mind. Anyway there turned out to be nothing in this at all. When we stayed there on our way back to England we found the place was always packed, packed to the roof. And that Porter was a really honest man. None of what followed was anyone’s fault really. It was just Spain on Good Friday. They all go to several different churches in turn all through that day. Yet there are a few around to do business. Anyway after a short break you will hear about the adventures that befell us in getting onto that boat. And we neither of us had any Spanish either.
(He waves to camera.)
•
(Break for commercials.)
•
(Wife in London studio sitting alone in armchair.)
SHE
Well you remember when you last saw me, I was just off to have a bath. And I had it, a lovely one. It was too sweet of Henry to go to all that expense just so as I could have a bath in the middle of the afternoon. Because we aren’t really all that well off, in fact to tell the truth we seem to be getting worse off all the time. Anyway it did me a great deal of good, the bath I mean, because I was beginning to get a little bit upset at this idea about the tickets for the boat. You see we had spent such a lot of money already on this holiday, our first for three years, and my husband’s doctor had told me strictly between ourselves, that Henry had to get away, in fact the doctor actually said ‘or else’ so that, oh where am I, well I had a jolly hot bath and felt a lot better, though I still didn’t like that Head Porter one bit. All the same he did get us a taxi like he’d promised, and the taximan who hadn’t a word of English, no more than we had Spanish in fact, did deliver us to the docks. Just by where our ship we wer
e supposed to be on was drawn up. We could see her funnel.
(She gets up out of her chair.)
SHE
And this is what happened. . . .
(Fade out to an island site café with striped umbrella top, two round iron tables, eight chairs, dock gates, façade of building and over roof one ship’s funnel. Sitting in front of dock gates villainous old Porter with number 37 on his uniformed cap.
Our married couple walk on, he over-burdened by four suitcases, one under each armpit, the others in his two hands.)
SHE
(Pointing off.)
Henry, look at that cat!
(He does not look.)
SHE
I’ve never seen a cat do that before.
(He casts the heavy suitcases down with a crash. He still does not look.)
HE
Then you’ve been dead lucky.
(A very shabby Waiter, much shabbier than the café, and with a black patch over one eye, arrives as they sit down.)
HE
You speak English?
WAITER
Yes I understand.
HE
Then bring me a double brandy and would you like a coffee dear?
SHE
After all this I think I’d like a brandy too.
HE
(To the Waiter.)
One single, one double brandy then.
SHE
Mightn’t I have a double in the circumstances?
HE
Two double brandies waiter.
WAITER
Surely sir. But I have one awkwardness.
(He points to suitcases.)
These not allowed.
HE
Why not, good heavens?
WAITER
(Pointing to Porter.)
He has his bread to make so he can eat.
(Porter advances.)
HUSBAND
(To wife.)
To make, to earn he means. The man obviously cannot be a baker.
WAITER
(Not understanding.)
But he is rich.
HE
Rich? How?
WAITER
Don Alfonso won lottery eight years back.
HE
Why’s he working now then?
WAITER
He serious man and many daughters.
SHE
You mean you are going to give my precious things into the keeping of this scruffy individual?
HE
Just a minute darling.
(Waiter and Porter have a burst of conversation in Spanish.)
SHE
Oh heavens what are they saying?
HE
How should I know?
WAITER
This man shall have them.
HE
But I want my things here by me.
WAITER
Patron does not permit.
SHE
Darling I’m beginning to feel quite faint you know.
HE
(To Waiter.)
Get the brandies first will you, and quick.
(Waiter leaves. Porter addresses them in Spanish with great dignity.)
HE
No comprehende, Señor.
(Porter replies sadly in Spanish.)
SHE
Oh dear, I don’t like this one bit.
HE
What am I supposed to do darling? Let’s wait till the Waiter comes back to translate.
SHE
But what do you imagine is under that black patch?
HE
Why a glass one of course. They’re touchy out here. The evil eye you know.
SHE
I don’t know, Henry. All I do know is I don’t like any of it.
HE
Darling I was only joking.
(Porter now beckons up a neat little Spaniard with good English. He is young and well dressed. He is the Fixer.)
FIXER
You speak no Spanish sir?
HE
Unfortunately not.
FIXER
You would like me to interpret?
(Porter fires volley of Spanish at him.)
SHE
Oh dear!
FIXER
The Porter he says it is his privilege, his living to put your bags into the waiting compartment, the left luggage do you call it? If you leave here the luggage it may vanish.
SHE
But darling you aren’t going to, you promised me.
HE
Look ducky, his number on the cap is 37. That was my locker number at my first school.
SHE
So you think that makes it all right? I wonder who’s quite OK mentally, you or me.
FIXER
You need have no fear Madame, I have know this man since I was boy.
SHE
But I must have my things and how old are you then?
FIXER
Alas it is not allowed Madame, by the laws of Spain. And also you have not heard, it is ten years he won the lottery.
HE
Yes we know that. I gather his daughters are rather expensive.
(Fixer smirks at this. Porter picks up bags and turns away.)
SHE
Darling!!
(Porter stops with his back to them.)
HE
Now look angel. Everyone knows this Porter, our friend here, the Waiter, everyone. Let him put the bags away and we’ll pick them up when we go on the boat. When in Rome do as the Romans do.
FIXER
You must have no fear Madame, I guarantee this man.
SHE
(Weakly.)
Well darling.
(Porter carries bags off at once.)
SHE
So he knows English.
FIXER
Not one word Madame. Like an animal he goes by the sound of the speech.
(Waiter comes back with the two double brandies. He bows to Fixer.)
HE
(To Fixer.)
Will you join us?
FIXER
Thank you, I will take a coffee.
(Waiter leaves. Fixer sits down.)
FIXER
You are then on holiday in Spain.
HE
We were.
FIXER
I do not understand.
SHE
My husband means that we have had troubles on our holiday.
FIXER
Troubles in Spain. I do not comprehend?
HE
It is all a small question of our tickets on the boat. We got in here by train this afternoon after the offices were closed for Holy Week and so couldn’t have our boat tickets stamped or whatever you call it!
FIXER
That is most unfortunate.
HE
So my wife and I thought we would just come down to the dock here and see what could be done about it.
SHE
Please do you understand.
FIXER
(To husband.)
Maybe I could fix something. Sometimes I am fortunate. Can I see your tickets?
(Husband searches and then hands them over. Fixer examines them with care, holding them to sky.)
SHE
Oh d’you think he will be able?
FIXER
(Handing tickets back.)
I much regret these things are without value. They have not been controlled.
SHE
(Interrupting.)
In Spain anyone who makes a journey must have his or her ticket stamped in the town they are leaving before they start.
FIXER
Madame knows Spain then?
HE
Madame does not know Spain. Already Madame has this bitter experience. Can you suggest anything?
FIXER
Yes but you must trust me. Also you will have to pay something.
HE
But of course.
FIXER
You see there exists two boats only for this ser
vice, one big, one small and they are old these boats. The Company, they never know which boat can make the crossing every night. They do not know therefore how many people they can carry. And in Holy Week in addition.
HE
But there’s no one about. She sails in two hours and we might be in the desert.
FIXER
All travellers are inside with controlled tickets by another entrance. There is big Hall with bar, café, music everything for citizens with controlled tickets.
HE
What are we waiting for then?
SHE
Yes indeed darling.
FIXER
But excuse, you are not controlled. You sit on here and be comfortable. I fix this when boat opens in one hour’s time. You want to be comfortable no? No crowds or that? So sit and I fix only you will pay a little.
HE
Of course. About how much?
FIXER
One hundred pesetas. One of your pounds. You understand I must out of that pay money myself.