by Henry Green
SHE
(Thankfully.)
Oh how wonderful.
HE
Yes that’s all right. Thanks very much.
(Reaching into his pocket.)
Would you like it now?
FIXER
No sir. Wait here for me. In one hour just I lead you on the boat and then you pay me.
(Hands booklet of tickets back.)
OK?
HE
OK indeed. Thank you Señor.
FIXER
I will be here in one hour from present. Thank you sir.
(He gets up having finished his coffee, bows and departs.)
SHE
(To Fixer’s back who makes no sign of having heard.)
Oh thank you.
(She gets up, comes round and puts one arm about her husband’s neck.)
SHE
Oh dear darling you are so clever and you have been so good all through. Of course once we are on the boat we can buy our way into a cabin. It’s only the third class will be so crowded. But darling I’m afraid it will be a bit expensive, a pound here and a pound there.
(Kissing him.)
Oh you are good.
(Sits down again.)
HE
I always said it could be fixed.
SHE
Yes you did. It was only me was nervous. And now it’s all arranged I don’t feel tired a bit any longer.
HE
It hasn’t been too bad on the whole has it?
SHE
Of course not. But I’ve told you, you’ve been just wonderful.
HE
(Looking around.)
All the same it is a bit empty round about.
SHE
It’s Good Friday darling. They’re all in church, they’re very devout in these parts.
HE
Yes and yet I don’t know. . . !
(The Porter returns and sits on step of the dock gate.)
HE
Well anyway he’s back. We’ll get your bags out of him all right now he’s here again.
SHE
Why my dear you’re not really nervous are you? That last little Spaniard with the wonderful English gave me complete confidence.
HE
I know but where’s our Waiter? I think I’d like to ask him something.
SHE
(Pointing off.)
Over there darling.
HE
Waiter!
SHE
It’s still going to be all right Henry.
(Waiter comes up.)
HE
Where is everyone?
WAITER
How you intend?
SHE
He means the crowds, the evening walk, the lovers.
HE
I mean this boat over there is due to sail in less than two hours time and where are the passengers?
WAITER
They are in. Big room, music, drinks; they wait.
HE
Then why are we here?
SHE
Yes, why?
WAITER
Because tickets no good.
HE
But where can I get good tickets with the offices closed?
WAITER
Excuse please but . . .
(Pointing.)
. . . office just along street new opened.
HE
Then take me along.
WAITER
One minute. I fix.
(He departs.)
SHE
Oh dear, d’you think?
HE
I think that’s where that little Spaniard you like so much has gone. And in case he doesn’t come back I’ll go to make doubly sure.
(Waiter returns with Travel Agency man and two pretty American girls. Husband draws Travel Agency man away and the three women get together. Americans come up to British wife.)
MAY
May I make your acquaintance. I’m Mrs Cyrus E. Pfanudler of Waco, Texas. May’s the name.
SHE
Oh how d’you do.
MAY
And this is my intimate friend Mrs Fred J. Hoyt of Houston, Emmeline we all call her back home.
EMMELINE
(Shaking hands.)
I’m honoured.
SHE
Well I’m Mrs Britt and my husband’s mother called him Henry. Mine named me Ann. We both resent it.
MAY
My but what lovely names. Well Mrs Britt . . .
(She gestures towards the husband and the guide.)
. . . can you get this situation? Us two girls are just confused about that old boat and our chances onto it.
SHE
I know. You’re not controlled but then no more are we.
EMMELINE
You’re telling us Mrs Britt.
MAY
And yet if you can believe me so far we’ve paid for two cabins with good US currency.
EMMELINE
And I understood that like all places out east the natives came down hours before the boat or train was listed to depart.
SHE
Oh I’m told they’re all inside there . . .
(Waving towards Porter and dock gates.)
. . . where our luggage is.
MAY
Oh gosh ours is on a hand truck somewheres.
EMMELINE
All of them in there? Then let’s go, what are we waiting on?
MAY
Now Emmeline let’s take this leisurely.
(Pronounced leesurelee.)
Besides Mr Britt may be fixing something.
SHE
I shouldn’t exactly rely on Henry, if I were you!
EMMELINE
(To May.)
Well honey we got our reservations haven’t us? Are you coming with me or no?
(She strides off to dock gates followed by the other two women. Husband and Travel Agency man watch incuriously. Porter rises to his feet as they come up. Emmeline makes to go by him but he courteously bars the way. Emmeline shows her tickets. Porter after examination makes mock show of tearing them up and points into far distance. Wife turns to beckon up husband who with Travel Agency man does not move.
After some agitation the three women return.)
MAY
My God if I only had this language.
(He comes over.)
HE
I gather we are in rather the same boat, ha, ha ha. How d’you do.
(The three women glare at him.)
HE
Well it seems the office may be open. Perhaps we should all of us drift over there, what d’you think?
(Travel Agency man comes over.)
TRAVEL AGENCY MAN
It is best ladies you come with me and with Señor. The way is short and the office may shut again.
HE
Shut again? Oh Lord come along then at once.
MAY
My God don’t give me this Good Friday all over once more.
SHE
Yes well perhaps we’d better.
EMMELINE
(To May.)
Let’s go, honey.
(In the meantime Waiter has come up. He has paid him. And as they go off Waiter points in opposite direction and both Porter and Waiter laugh derisively behind their backs.
Fade out to London studio where husband sits alone in armchair.)
HE
Well then there I was toiling off to the shipping line office with three women in tow, my wife and now these two American married girls. And I was feeling pretty nervous, I can tell you. I hadn’t said much to the wife of course but I could see from the size of her funnel that it was a great big ship. And no one at all on the quay round that beastly café. If all the other passengers were inside somewhere like the one-eyed Waiter said, then it didn’t look as though anyone meant to get us on board. Or rather, to be fair to them, as though anyone with the sort of tickets we had, could even get us on. So I was in pretty much of a panic leading the party with t
he Travel Agency man. About the only thing you could say about him was that he did have some English. And when we did get to the office there was the usual long queue all waiting in a line at the one ticket window. But no goats or anything like that, I’m glad to say. Well my wife and the other two girls began to natter a bit of course, and I started to get even more nervous. You know how it is when you are at the end of a queue with a boat to catch. You begin to wonder if the Captain won’t sail before you get the tickets. Anyway I don’t think I let my wife see anything of what I was feeling. Can’t ever tell with women though. See through you every time. And when at last I did get to the ticket window there was a disgusting type sitting behind it. My travelling ticket man took our two booklets and shoved them through the opening with a volley of Spanish. Our friend took one look, laid them flat on the counter and flipped them back at me (sorting the action to the words). He did it with such a look of contempt on his face I almost walked out. It was a good thing I didn’t lose our places at the head of the queue though because the Agency man said wouldn’t I like at least to get onto the boat. As that was what we had been after all along, I said ‘of course’ and so we bought two third-class tickets. Remarkably cheap too, they were. Only about 4/6d each. And then when we got outside and he was taking the American girls to another office, I’ve never discovered where, there came the question of how much to tip him! Well in the end I gave him 10/– for his trouble and felt an awful fool after. So then my wife and I made our own way back to the boat. We had a good hour to spare. The old Porter put us into the waiting room which was a huge, enormous place, and after a bit we were allowed on board – as we discovered later as deck cargo.
(Fade to open-air scene at dusk on closed canvas-covered hatch on board. Husband again carries four suitcases which he lets go with a crash. Both seem very tired. Behind them is squalid opening to stairs to third-class accommodation in bowels of ship. The two American girls come up chattering.
One or two sailors and passengers go to and fro again and again. An Englishman gets fully dressed into a sleeping bag on the hatch.)
SHE
Oh dear.
HE
Well at least we’re on board. Now we can get cracking and fix something and without the Fixer.
(He nods to American girls who are tipping Porter who has carried up their bags.)
HE
Look they’re tipping too much.
SHE
But darling d’you think you gave enough to the Travel Agency man?
HE
What? For getting us on as deck cargo.
SHE
I meant perhaps if you had given him more we shouldn’t be left here all night.
HE
(Of American girls.)
Well, they’re here too now, aren’t they?
SHE
Yes darling.
(American girls come up.)
MAY
Well what d’you know?
HE
(Bleakly.)
Not a thing yet.
EMMELINE
(To wife.)
Isn’t this the hell of a note?
SHE
My dears and what do we do now?
HE
(Nodding at Englishman in sleeping bag.)
He’s got the right idea right enough.
(The three girls shriek.)
MAY
Why that thing’s insanitary Emmeline.
HE
What happened to you two then?
EMMELINE
Right after that Travel man yanked us away from you he conducted us to an underground sort of café where he had us meet a little guy!
(Here she describes the actor playing the Fixer, but in uncomplimentary terms.)
EMMELINE
And from what they told us this little guy is just a genius. He has everyone on this old boat in his little hands.
SHE
Does she mean our Fixer darling?
HE
(To May.)
With good English?
(And then adds a further description.)
MAY
That’s the very guy.
SHE
He’s supposed to be looking after my husband and me.
EMMELINE
Is that Travel guy and this other in cahoots. Oh my gosh.
HE
Yes in double harness. And what if I may ask did you tip the Travel Agency type?
MAY
Two dollars.
HE
Too much.
SHE
But darling you gave him ten shillings which is more.
HE
They’re in league.
EMMELINE
In a world series more likely. So what do we do now?
HE
Well he promised us he’d be here and he isn’t.
MAY
I saw him go on board by the crew’s gangway.
HE
Then he will be looking after your affairs then!
SHE
And why not ours as well too?
MAY
Look Em, we should get cracking. Supposing you and me goes down into the first class and see what we can do with the Purser, on this little ship. Would you two nice people see after our grips for five minutes?
SHE
Of course.
MAY
That’s sweet of you. Here Em.
(The Americans go off right.)
HE
(With ever-increasing agitation.)
It’s all a plot!
SHE
What is dear?
HE
They’re all in league these Travel people.
SHE
But how Henry?
HE
There are no taxis so a guide gets a fat tip for taking us on the tram. Next you have to pay double to a taxi to make it run and tip the hotel Porter to find it for you. Then you pay good money for tickets in London and you have to tip even to get onto the boat as deck cargo. It’s a racket.
SHE
Well we can’t stay here all night can we dear?
HE
It’s a lovely night.
SHE
But darling when we do sail there’ll be an awful draught.
HE
It’s not going to rain, I’m sure of it.
SHE
No dear, I can’t stay out in this place all night wet or dry. You do see that don’t you?
HE
(Starting up.)
Where is this infernal Fixer? He promised he would be here half an hour ago.
SHE
Would you like to go and look for him? While I keep an eye on all these bags.
HE
Never find him. I’ve been watching the gangways all this time. There are thousands coming aboard.
SHE
Oh dear.
HE
This is a question of getting hold of the ship’s Purser. And now those pretty American girls are ahead of us. And of course they’re in with the Fixer. Or else why did they go off with the Agency man at the shipping office?
SHE
I don’t know Henry.
HE
I do. And why are they doing better than us this very minute? I’ll bet they are. Why? Because they’re women.
SHE
Oh now dear . . .
HE
Yes because I visualise this Purser we’ve none of us ever set eyes on yet as a lean dark amorous Castilian who will do anything for a woman with a geranium stuck behind her ear.
SHE
(Laughing.)
And I haven’t even a daisy or a violet!
HE
No darling but I think you ought to go and at least try.
SHE
Who, me?
HE
Yes, well perhaps you have just a try. After all I’ve done everything up to now and now I’m beat I don’t mind telling you. Simply have one shot at it darling! Please.
SHE
All right t
hen if you insist I’ll go. But don’t you move now! If I don’t find you when I get back, I’ll go straight home to England.
HE
I promise.
(He kisses her.
Wife in London studio sitting alone in armchair.)
SHE
So you see I could tell Henry was getting a bit worked up, knowing him as well as I do. We haven’t been married twenty-five years for nothing. Even if we didn’t receive a single piece of silver at the anniversary. So, anyway, for the sake of his peace of mind I dragged myself up. And of course almost anything is better than to go on sitting in the night on that degrading hatch or whatever they call the thing. But when I did get down below I simply can’t ever describe to you the fantastic scenes that met my eye. There were people lying in the gangways already although we were still tied up in dock. And some of them had been sick, yes, just as soon as that. That was in the second class of course. And when I climbed like a mountain goat over all these prone corpses and got at last to the first class, where by right we belonged, and which we had paid for in London, well it wasn’t quite so full in the first class but what a scene it was, talk about a stiff upper lip! That chief Purser was a great big fat bully and he had all his servants, the waiters, stewardesses and things, drawn up in a circle round him. If he stepped forward they stepped back. He had a huge list in his hands, and the first-class passengers were led up to him two by two while he shouted and raved and sent them off with a stewardess to their cabins. And then almost as soon as I had forced my way to the outskirts it was the turn of the two American girls you have met. Led forward by the Fixer who was positively cringing, it turned out they weren’t controlled, or whatever it is called. And oh dear the scene that followed. You’ll hear more about all this in a minute or two!