by Kris Bryant
“You’ve known this whole time,” I said.
“Lily, wait. Let me explain.” She fell to her knees in front of me.
I felt myself shutting down from the inside out. My heart, a glacier chunk of hard ice, stopped beating when I looked into her eyes. I was alone. She was no longer a part of me.
“Get out.”
Chapter Twenty-two
I ignored my phone the rest of the day. I couldn’t bear to stay in the bedroom, so I grabbed a pillow and a blanket and headed for the couch. I couldn’t focus on anything, but I had to do something to try to keep my mind off Hope. I turned on a mindless sci-fi movie that didn’t keep my interest, but it was loud and helped drown out my broken thoughts. Hope knew I was Jillian Crest. Looking back over the last few months, I noticed tiny signs. At the museum, she got between me and the man who recognized me from my youth. She never questioned me about my education or why I knew so much about music. Nobody did that. No musician would accept help from someone without knowing their musical background.
Clio recognized my foul mood and did his best to snap me out of it, but this was beyond a simple snuggle fix. I was destroyed. I cried for four hours straight. I cried myself to sleep and when I woke up, contorted on the couch, I cried some more. I dragged myself to the bathroom and took a long, hot shower. It was Monday morning and I just couldn’t work. I called in sick for the first time ever. The day was a blur. I faded in and out of restless sleep. I tried to eat but could only pick at food. Tuesday wasn’t any better. I even skipped therapy. I didn’t feel like talking about this ever.
Wednesday was the turning point. I had one of my horrific nightmares. For the first time ever, my nightmare wasn’t about performing. It was about Hope. Images of her flashed in my nightmare. I was in a deep, dark cave and was reaching up to the light. Hope’s face peered over the side, and instead of helping me, she laughed at me. I woke up sweating and shaking. That got me off the couch. I needed to shower and at least get back to work. I slipped into a pair of jeans and a T-shirt and put my hair up in a bun.
I made a cup of tea while I reviewed my email. Shit. I forgot about picking up the check on Monday. My banker sent me an email reminding me about it, then a follow-up asking if I wanted to reinvest it instead. No, I wanted to help out the organization, and this was my way. With any luck, I could get in, slip it to Agnes, and get out. I knew that Jeremy would gladly handle the transaction, but I was a glutton for punishment. I had to do it. I was pissed and sad and felt betrayed. The old me would have accepted Jeremy’s help, but the new me needed to prove a point. Before, I was frightened and hid from the world. I still wanted to hide, but only from Hope. I wasn’t likely to see her, so I needed to go for it. I wrote Jeremy and told him I’d be there before lunch. I still wanted it to be anonymous, but in a petty way, I also wanted Hope to know about my donation. I wanted her to feel bad. Completely childish, but it was the first real emotion I’d felt besides anger in almost three days.
“Give me strength,” I said to Clio on my way out.
I slipped on my sunglasses and headed to the train. It was after the morning commute, so the train wasn’t packed. I found a seat and got comfortable. I kept my sunglasses on and looked out the window. I now understood what having a broken heart meant. Reading about it or watching it on the big screens was one thing; experiencing it was soul crushing. I was already broken before I met Hope. She built me up, patched up the cracks, then smashed me in completely new ways. I’d trusted her more than anyone else in this world. I knew she had tried to reach out to me several times. My cell phone rang several times and dinged with text messages until I finally turned it off. It was still at home. I just didn’t have the energy to bring it with me.
By the time I got to the bank, I was a mess. I stood outside until the tears stopped. Several people looked at me as they walked by. I waved off the ones who stopped to ask if I was okay. I could do this. I could go in there and get the check. The problem was after I had the check in my hands. Could I really go to the Leading Note? Could I risk running into Hope? The anger bubbled up again. I knew that I would need answers, but it would be a long time before I could face her.
“Lily, I was beginning to wonder if you were going to show up or not. It’s good to see you.” Jeremy walked toward me and shook my hand. He was always nice to me. Maybe that was because I had a lot of money invested in his bank, but I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.
“I’m sorry for the delay. I’ve been under the weather lately.” I sat down across from him.
“How are things? Ready to dip into your savings and take a vacation somewhere tropical? Or maybe somewhere cold? This heat has been relentless.” He unlocked his desk and handed me an envelope with a cashier’s check.
“Not this time.” I didn’t feel like chitchatting with a stranger. It was remarkable that I even sat down. In the past, I would have grabbed the check and bolted.
“Any other business you’d like to discuss? We have several investment options,” he said. And I was done. There was no way I could talk about money today. I stood up, thanked him for his time, and left. Hour by hour, I was slipping back into the old Lily, the one who wanted to stay hidden from the world.
***
“It’s always nice to see you,” Agnes said to me as she climbed the steps to the front door. “It’s too hot to be outside. Come on in. Hope isn’t here right now, but if you want to wait for her, she’ll be back in about thirty minutes.”
I jumped up with relief and followed her inside. “I’m not here for Hope. I’m actually here for you.”
“Oh? Well, then let’s head up to my office. Do you want a glass of water or something to drink?”
“No, thank you. I don’t have a lot of time. I just wanted to drop this off.” I handed her the envelope.
“What’s this?” She opened it and turned the check over several times. She stared at me in disbelief.
“I know you lost some local funding recently, and I just wanted to help out,” I said.
She clutched me to her and hugged me tightly. “This is wonderful, Lily. I can’t wait to share the news. Does Hope know?”
“No, and I hate to say this, but I don’t want Hope to know. I just want this to be between us.”
“But this will help us out so much. I think Hope should know.” She stared at the check again. “I don’t mean to pry, but did something happen with you two? She seems so sad lately, and you were a little too relieved when I mentioned she wasn’t going to be here for a bit.”
Fuck. I could feel the tears start. I looked down at the worn chair and played with a piece of string that had unraveled from the bronze upholstery tack. I needed to get out of there.
“I should go. Thanks, Agnes, for taking care of this.”
She hugged me again, this time a little bit longer than necessary. “You take care of yourself, Lily. And thank you again.”
I left in a hurry and didn’t allow the tears to fall until I cleared the stairs outside. How could I cry so much in such a short time? I headed for the station, anxious to get back home and safe where I belonged. Just me and Clio, like we were before, like we should have always been.
Chapter Twenty-three
“I still don’t feel the greatest, so I’m going to work from home.” I threw in a tiny cough for good measure even though I didn’t have to. My voice was scratchy and I sounded nasal from crying so much.
“Just take care of yourself, don’t worry about anything. We’ll handle things.” My boss seemed like he wasn’t sure how to handle me since I never called in sick or wanted vacation time.
“Thanks. I’ll see you next week.” I hung up before he continued to talk. I would have confessed after a few more seconds because I was a horrible liar. The big concert was that night. The thing I was looking forward to the most, but I couldn’t let myself go. I still hadn’t listened to any voice mails or read any text messages. I knew the moment I did, my life would be thrust right back into the hell fro
m last Sunday. I wasn’t ready. I puttered around on the internet for a few minutes but closed it when everything I saw reminded me of Hope. I wanted to hole up, but I felt cooped up. I walked around like a caged animal until Clio started following me. I needed to go somewhere, but I wasn’t sure where. Maybe I could head north for the weekend. Take a train somewhere. Hit the water. Clio would be okay for two days without me.
I found a trip that was a three-hour train ride, but then I remembered I would be stuck on a train with people I didn’t know for three hours. I could barely handle the L and knew I could jump off at any station if it got too overwhelming. I plopped down on the couch and sighed. I was stuck here. Maybe I could go for a walk. I checked the temperature. It was already hot and my energy level was low. I jumped in the shower and got ready, hoping something would spark my interest. Maybe there was a nice exhibit at one of the museums. I braided back my hair, pinched my cheeks to get color and circulation back in them, and grabbed my purse.
“Good-bye, my love.” I rubbed Clio’s torn ear affectionately. He was probably glad I was getting out of the house. He was so concerned because of my breakdown, I don’t think he slept the twenty hours a day he normally got.
I opened the door and gasped. Hope stood in my doorway, her arm up as if to knock. My eyes narrowed quickly. My pulse quickened and the blood that I just had to pinch up to my cheeks, now flooded them.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
“I really want us to talk.” She looked tired and sad. The dark circles under her eyes rivaled mine, and I gained a little bit of satisfaction knowing that she was miserable, too.
“I really don’t think we have anything to say to one another.” That was a lie. I had a million things to say to her, but I think she already knew most of them. “How did you get up here?” This building was secure. Nobody made exceptions.
“Can I just come in for a minute, just one minute, and talk? I hope you at least can forgive me long enough for me to explain things.”
Fuck. She looked so sad and vulnerable, but damn it, she should be. I couldn’t imagine a scenario where this was okay, where lying to me was perfectly acceptable. I had lied, too, but my lie was self-preservation and a decision I made years ago. I stood in front of her, my hands clenched in fists, and stared at her. She reached out and gently put her hands on my wrists. I jerked at her touch but didn’t pull away.
“Please? Just a minute. Then I’ll leave and you’ll never hear from me again.”
I gave a half nod and stepped back. She walked in, ignored Clio, and asked me to have a seat on the couch.
“A long time ago, you asked me how I got into music. Do you remember that?” She wanted me to answer.
“Yes.”
“I told you that my mom took me to the symphony, but I never told you anything about it. I saw you, young Jillian Crest, at the piano and I was completely stunned. I was eleven, you were eight, and you had mastered everything you played. I was in awe of you. I begged my mom to give me piano lessons for my birthday. I promised her I would stick with them all because of you.” Hope began pacing the same path I had earlier that morning. She stopped and turned to me. “I followed your career for years until you just ceased to exist. Nobody knew what happened to you. You just disappeared.”
I shrugged my shoulders and tried to look unaffected by Hope’s confession. That was one scenario I hadn’t considered. “That was when I had my breakdown. The first of many, I suppose.” My answer was more of a whisper, but she heard me.
She dropped to her knees in front of me. “You gave me a love for the piano. Your symphonies made me branch out to different instruments. Then, when I saw you again at the concert at our little center, my heart stopped. I had to play it cool because I thought it was you, but I wasn’t sure. When Agnes saw you at Bleachers and told me your name, I was crushed. I thought for sure you were Jillian.” She took a deep breath and held my hands. “But then we talked and I knew just by your musical advice that you were Jillian. I felt it. I knew it was you. Plus, you look the same, really, only older.”
I stood to put space between us. She was getting through to me and I needed to put up more of a fight. I needed answers.
“Why didn’t you say anything to me then?” I would have freaked out if she said my old name and we both knew it.
She gave me a small smile. “You would have bolted out of the door never to be seen again. I know you don’t see it, but I was respecting your wishes for your privacy. The more I got to know you, the more I realized how private you were.”
“So, you were being kind to me.” I sneered.
“Stop. Put yourself in my place. You wanted everyone to forget about you. You dropped out of sight, changed your name, and started doing something completely different with your life. Who was I to bring it up? I was respecting your choices. I knew that, in time, you would tell me.” She leaned away from me and hung her head.
I hated that she was right. Everything she said was spot-on, but that didn’t mean I didn’t feel betrayed. I leaned back on the couch, utterly exhausted already. Relationships were hard. Love was fantastic, but when you hit the ceiling, the force of the fall left you breathless.
“I never wanted to be Jillian again,” I whispered. A tear pushed through my wall. Another one fell, and another. I was angry at myself for crying, for being weak in front of Hope.
“Lily, I don’t know what happened to you or why it happened, but what I did was truly out of respect. I was waiting for you to come to me. I knew you would eventually. Who was I to push you?”
“You’re my girlfriend. Or were my girlfriend.”
“Don’t say that. Please don’t say that,” she said. She wiped a tear away. “We will get through this.” She stood and leaned over me. “We will, Lily. I’m not giving up on us and I won’t let you either.”
I slid away from her. “You can’t even begin to understand what happened to me. I don’t really know it myself.” I gave a bitter snort of a laugh. “Music turned on me. It was once in my blood, but then it became a poison. Everyone in my life expected me to be the best all the time. I used to pretend to be asleep so that I didn’t have to play every waking minute of my life.” The tension and energy of my past pushed me up and I started pacing again.
Hope stood in my path and reached for my hands. “There is still beautiful music inside you. I can tell. If you want to find it again, you will.”
I shook free from her. She’d said a lot of very powerful things to me today. My thoughts were loud and I needed to process and quiet them.
“Look, Hope, I appreciate that you stopped by to explain things to me.”
“I never meant to hurt you. I only wanted to love you,” she said.
I closed my eyes. She did not just say that to me.
“Please go.”
She turned, gave Clio a quick scratch, and headed for the door. “I hope you can forgive me. I miss you. I miss us.” She gave me a quick, sad smile and walked out.
It took only five seconds for me to collapse on the couch into another sobbing mess.
Chapter Twenty-four
Dr. Monroe sat across from me and smiled at me for the first time in a long time. “Your breakthrough is quite remarkable. It’s been a long time coming.”
“Couldn’t you have warned me that it was going to be exhausting? I haven’t slept or cried this much in years.”
“How do you feel, though? Are you happy you and Hope talked?”
“I don’t know that I would call it happy. What she said made sense, but I’m having a hard time forgiving her. I haven’t trusted people in a very long time, so I don’t know how to let go.” I sat in silence and thought about the last week of my life. After Sunday, I was just going to go back to my solitary life and forget Hope even happened, but then she had to show up unannounced and make me reconsider. I had to decide if I wanted to accept her apology and her explanation. She made my heart flutter even though I was upset with her. Around her, I heard life diffe
rently.
“Our time’s up, but I want you to think about all the good that’s come from your relationship with Hope. Keep that in mind.” Dr. Monroe walked me out when our session was over.
She was right. Life was better with Hope in it, but how could I let go? How could I stop being so stubborn? I was so good at self-sabotage. I’d missed the concert, and even though Hope told me she was going to leave it up to me to contact her, I checked my phone. A lot. My heart sank further when it showed an empty screen. I wanted her to text me. I didn’t know how to reach out to her. I was skittish by nature and a complete bumbling idiot with words, especially the apologetic kind.
I grabbed an early dinner from down the street on my way home, and Clio and I did what I do best: sulked. I turned on a marathon of a zombie show, grabbed some chopsticks, and curled up on the couch again. When my phone rang, I jumped. It was Agnes. I panicked. Something was wrong. Something was wrong with Hope. I answered immediately.
“Hello?”
“Lily? Hi, it’s Agnes. How are you?”
I forced myself to relax. Agnes would have told me right away if she was calling because something was wrong. Besides, why would she even tell me?
“I’m okay. What’s going on?”
“I wanted to thank you and tell you the good news if you don’t already know. You probably already do, but Banks Corporation gave us a five-year lease on a building they aren’t using. It’s closer to our old location and it’s just perfect. I know you are behind this. We’re going to use your money to help renovate and soundproof the rooms and maybe even get newer furniture. I’m just so happy you found us, Lily. Thank you so much.”
I was stunned. I knew that my company would want to help out, but that was way above and beyond what I expected. I thought maybe they’d donate a few thousand dollars, but this? This generosity floored me.