I shuddered as the feeling kept building, my whole body burning with passion. Scraping my nails down his back, I dug them into his ass. He threw his head back and a guttural sound came from him, his whole body jerking as I felt his warm seed fill me. It was all I needed to let go, my own cries filling my tiny apartment as my apex pulsated, sending waves of pleasure shooting through my veins.
My breath came out hard as my whole body relaxed in blissful contentment. André’s arms shook and I rolled to the side with him as he peppered gentle kisses on my face. “That was...” he trailed off as if unable to find the right words.
“It was,” I murmured as I caressed his muscular arm.
We lay there, speechless, our eyes locked for what was not long enough. It seemed to dawn on me first how long it had been since my alarm went off and my eyes went wide, “The time!”
Lazily, he lifted his head to look at the clock on my nightstand. Doing a double take, he scrambled to get up, “Oh, no! Father Augustin is going to be awake.”
I shot out of bed and helped him find his clothes, holding his shirt out as he buttoned his pants. “Just pretend you were out for an early morning walk. Your clothes aren’t extremely wrinkled. I’m sure he didn’t notice you didn’t come back last night.”
“I hope not. I hate lying to him. I just can’t seem to control myself when it comes to you.” Hurriedly, he buttoned his shirt, “I have to figure this out. My future, us, everything.”
“I know and I’ll be here waiting for you. Don’t ever forget that I will always love you, André. Whatever hurdles are in our way, I’m not going anywhere,” I promised, giving him one last kiss before he rushed out.
I lay back down on my bed, the adrenaline leaving my body as I drifted in a cloud. Our conversation before we fell asleep drifting through my mind. He all but admitted that he really didn't want to be a priest and his only reason why he did was because he felt that he needed to atone for something he had no control over. How do you fix a person with such a tragic past?
The reality was, I needed help. His issues were far out of my realm of knowledge. I sighed as I realized how little my world had been up to that point, with only the nuns, orphans, and parishioners as the people I dealt with most often. The shop owners were of little value since I spent so little time purchasing anything for myself other than what I needed to survive.
He cried and sank down into depression, but it seemed to evaporate when we talked of other things. If that were the key to stopping his moods, I would gladly do it for the rest of my life. Yet, deep down, I knew there was something more that needed to be done. André’s pain was still there, and I couldn’t always be there to help and talk him through it. He needed to heal from it and realized it wasn’t his fault.
A cool breeze blew across my still naked body, reminding me of how his lips felt against mine. It was as if he reached all the way to my soul, especially when he slipped his tongue against my own, sending sparks to every part. My desire for the man I loved grew the more he gave of himself. He left me breathless with the simplest look and I couldn’t imagine a life without him. When we made love, I knew I’d been in a haze, barely living while he was away. He awoke my zest for life that lay dormant for so long. I couldn’t go back to the trance-like life.
He hadn't agreed to being a part of my life as I wanted him to, but at least he was willing to give it a try. Considering how we were just a month ago, it was nothing short of amazing, especially after how long I waited for him to return. I probably should've been furious with him for the way he bounced in and out of my life and strung me along, but I couldn’t find it in me to remain angry.
I knew I had to be cautious just in case André decided not to pursue a relationship with me, I just didn't know how I would keep him at a distance when I loved him so much. I figured out my best course would be to remind him of our friendship and constantly be there for him.
My thoughts circled back to how to help with his moods he spoke about. I knew when I was in my own darkest moments of depression, Sister Marie talked to me about local doctors who could give medication to help alleviate my sadness, but it wasn't quite in our belief system. It's not that we totally denied modern medicine. If I was sick, I would get antibiotics and other medicines to heal whatever the ailment was. There just wasn't much understanding of helping emotional turmoil with anything other than prayer and meditation.
I recalled something called hysteria Sister Anna told me about once. When she was a child, her sister by blood, was sent to a place called an asylum. As she explained, it was a hospital for people who weren’t able to safely live in the society. Her sister would go through bouts of depression and angry outbursts which they claimed weren’t suitable for a young woman. When her parents reached out for help, the doctors promised a treatment in a safe environment.
Years later, before she entered the order, Sister Anna was able to visit her sister and found they didn't take care of her at all. The conditions were horrid, and the poor young woman was tied up in a straight jacket. Sister Anna described the device to me, and it sounded absolutely atrocious. It certainly wasn't something I wanted to happen to André, even though she assured me it wasn’t like that anymore at the asylums.
With my work in the church, I knew a few people in our parish well enough that I could ask them questions if I needed to. We had a doctor who came to check on the children every now and then to make sure they were developing properly. If I were careful, I could ask him privately. I just had to make sure to be careful not to reveal who I asked the questions for and make sure that it didn't get back to the nuns or Father Augustin.
On a mission, I rose from the bed and washed myself up before getting ready for the day. If I hurried, I could make it to the doctor’s office before I had to be at the orphanage. Waiting for him to make a visit would be too long and André needed help now.
Chapter Eighteen - André
I wiped the sweat from my brow before carefully opening the door to the church as quietly as possible. Wincing when the loud click of the latch closing resounded through the entry to the church, I looked around for any sign of Father Augustin and didn’t see him. In the short walk from Simone’s apartment, I planned my excuse for being out so early in the morning but hoped I didn’t have to use it. I’d committed enough sins and didn’t need to add lying to the Father on my already heavy conscience.
Though he wasn’t in the nave, my timing was so bad that I ran into him in the hallway on the way to my room. “Deacon André,” he nodded in greeting. “What has you so disheveled?”
I blinked a few times as my stomach plummeted before answering, “I couldn’t sleep and went for a walk. I’m not used to the hills anymore and I’m feeling a little under the weather.”
To my relief, he didn’t press any further and chuckled, “A young man like you better shape up if you want to keep up with me. Sister Marie mentioned you weren’t well yesterday. I’ll have one of the nuns bring over something to help. Anyway, if you’re feeling up to eating, breakfast will be here soon. You’ll have enough time to clean up and maybe that will help your health.”
“Yes, Father. Thank you.”
He continued on his way, and my shoulders sagged. I was tired and felt awful for continuing to be a disappointment. I listened to the serpent too many times in my life and I no longer knew if I could stop.
The only thing I did know was that being a priest wasn’t the salvation I thought it would be. My crimes were too great, and I was a weak man, unable to resist temptation, just like my father.
I stopped by my room for clean clothes and paused as I reached for my frock. I didn’t feel right putting it on, but I had to maintain my duties for as long as possible, until I could figure things out. I’d made up my mind not to be ordained. It wasn’t fair to everyone who maintained a pious life and I didn’t deserve it. What I hadn’t decided was if I would continue on as a deacon. There was a small piece of me that still held onto hope for myself.
Simo
ne’s comforting words gave me that hope when I thought all was lost. She made me believe I wasn’t deplorable, that my soul was worth saving.
But I still couldn’t stop myself from taking her again in the morning, adding another mark to my seemingly never-ending list of sins. She made me want to leave this place and live the life we planned when we were kids. Honestly, she was the one who planned it, I just agreed because it sounded like what I needed, even though I didn’t deserve it.
I held my shirt to my nose, the smell of Simone embedded in the white cloth, and I allowed myself to dream of a life in which I wasn’t broken, a monster. Children surrounded us as we played by the pond, our pond. Our son and daughter joined me while I taught them how to catch frogs and Simone giggled as she held our baby in her arms. Joy radiated from all of us, my heart so full it could burst, and no darkness hanging over me like it always did.
In my dreams, it was the perfection I fought all my life to achieve, where I was a decent man who was loved and adored by his family. A dream I knew I could never have.
I threw my tearstained shirt on the bed, unable to hold it anymore but also unable to throw away my connection to Simone. Yanking my frock from its hanger, I gathered my things and showered where my tears were washed away along with the scent of her on my skin.
Not hungry and not wanting to face Father Augustin, I went back to my room and collapsed in the bed, clinging to my rosary. I couldn’t sleep and I couldn’t get up. The darkness threatened to swallow me, and I clung to the one thing that kept me from diving over the edge.
After a short time, a knock on my door forced me to get up. I knew it was Father Augustin checking on me. I didn’t want to face him anymore that day, but I couldn’t figure out how to turn him away.
“I brought you some of Sister Marie’s tea. She said she would come and see you in a little while. I also have some bread from Sister Anna.” He held out the tray and I thanked him for his kindness. “It’s nothing. We take care of each other. I’ll handle the things around the church today. You rest and get better. We have that wedding this weekend and I’d like you to perform it. As quick as you are, I know you’ll pick it up easily.”
With a final prayer of healing, he left me alone to sit in my misery. The bare walls started to feel like they were closing in on me and I couldn’t take it, no matter how much I wanted to curl up in the bed and disappear.
I waited for his footsteps to fade before opening my door and sneaking out the opposite way he came. I was pulled to the pond, my spirit knowing where I needed to be when my mind was too mixed up to realize it.
Watching over my shoulder, I snuck there, keeping to the rows of flowers and shrubbery where I could hide from sight. The aroma of the mixed flowers hit my nose and reminded me of the time when things were simpler and the only thing I cared about was playing hide and seek with Simone.
The gardens lacked any humans which saddened me. I missed Sister Elizabeth keeping an eye on us while she cared for her beloved plants. If I could smile, I would have. Memories of the nun shouting to us to not trample all over her flowers. Simone and I both shouted in unison, “Sorry, Sister Elizabeth,” before we ran off to another part of the garden.
I was so lost in my memories of the past, I thought I manifested Simone standing at the edge of the water. Rubbing my eyes, I looked again and there she was, holding herself as she seemed to stare into the water. With her back to me, there were no clues as to what emotions she held.
She turned and stared at me, her expression unreadable. “Sorry,” I apologized. “I just needed some fresh air, and this place seemed the perfect spot to sit and think.”
“Great minds think alike.”
“I can leave, if you want,” she seemed unsure of herself, quite the opposite of when I left her that morning.
Internally, I screamed yes, I wanted her to leave. “No, stay, please. There’s no reason why we can’t sit together quietly.”
She nodded and turned back to the pond while I sat on the lush grass behind her. I was hyper-aware of her presence, and it made it difficult to think of anything other than kissing her. The water couldn’t hold my attention and I kept stealing glances at her back. Her hair had once been long and fell down her back in a curtain. Now it was just below her shoulders, cut in layers that fluttered in the warm breeze. She looked older, wiser, and my attraction to her only increased.
I thought of how her soft skin felt under my hands, her nipples hard and peaked as I brushed my lips across them. Every expression of desire and ecstasy was branded in my mind, the way her lips parted and her eyes widened when she hit her peak... all of it for me. My cock twitched in excitement and I knew I needed to stop picturing making love to her.
Yawning, I lay back in the grass as my lack of sleep caught up with me. The sun was hot and felt good on my face. I only wished I could take my frock and clothes off and feel the rays on the rest of my skin.
My eyes closed and I drifted in the spot between sleep and consciousness when I heard the rustle of grass as Simone lay next to me. She wasn’t touching me and that need to feel a part of her rose to the surface. I moved my hand to the side and searched for her, sighing in contentment when she clasped mine.
That’s how I fell asleep, laying in our spot and for once feeling completely at peace.
*******
When I awoke, I didn’t know how much time passed but Simone was still there with me, holding my hand. Her blue eyes shone in the sun as she stared at me with her brows furrowed.
Sleepily, I asked, “What is going through that pretty head of yours?”
“You know both of us used to talk about how much we wanted to make the home we never had when we were kids? When I'm with you I feel like you are my home."
The corner of my mouth downturned slightly and I felt the pounding in my head that normally preceded an outburst of rage. I took several deep breaths, unwilling to give into the monster when I was with Simone.
She squeezed my hand, “I’m sorry. Maybe I shouldn't say things like that. I’m not well-versed in affairs of love enough to know what I should say or if I should act differently around you. I don’t want to push you away.”
I gritted my teeth, “It’s okay. I’m just having a really hard time with everything. There’s so much to think about. My feelings for you are stronger than I knew, yet I still hesitate for so many reasons.”
“I know and I can see you’re fighting your anger right now and I wish I could do something more to help. It’s a confusing time for both of us, but at the same time, I also don’t want you to think I’ve lost interest.”
"My darling, Simone. I wish I could tell you yes and sweep you away. But I must tell you, whatever decision I make, the truth is, we are not ready. I need to heal if it’s even possible. And I also need to make sure that I can provide you with some kind of a comfortable life outside of here.”
“I need to tell you something, but I want you to promise me you won’t get angry with me,” she changed the subject, growing quite serious.
“I’m not sure I can make that promise without knowing what it is,” I cautiously replied. “I can only promise I will do my best.”
She fidgeted and her fingers dug into my hand and I wondered how bad it could be. Remaining silent, she caused my mind to wander to the possibilities. The only one that came to mind was her telling the nuns or priest about our affair. “Just tell me. I can’t handle waiting.”
“I talked to a doctor about you.” The words made my heart stop, but she quickly added, “I didn’t reveal your identity at all. It was just something I knew I needed to do because I remembered some things Sister Anna told me about years ago. And then when you were gone and I was depressed, Sister Marie talked about medication, but she couldn’t give it to me.”
“What does this have to do with me?”
“Well, I think the doctor can help you. He said it sounds like you have a mental disorder that can be fixed with medication.” When I stayed silent, stunned by the kn
owledge, she sat up suddenly and gripped my shoulder, “Don’t you see, André? This means you aren’t a monster, you just have something wrong in your head.”
I knew she meant well despite how awful it was worded. I couldn't help but tease her, “So, you think my head is wrong?”
“No, no, no. That’s not what I’m saying. At least not like that,” she grew animated, speaking with her hands. “I’m saying you can be fixed with medicine.”
I chuckled when she thought I was serious and sat up, pulling her into a hug, “I was teasing. I doubt anyone can fix me, but I want to try for you. Thank you for believing in me.” I pressed a kiss to her forehead as I tried to fight the hope that bloomed in my chest. I didn’t want to be disappointed with yet another trial of something that could make me not resemble my father.
Her breath whooshed, hot against my neck, “I’m so relieved. I was scared you would hate me for going behind your back.”
“I could never hate you,” I whispered before tilting her chin and pressing our mouths together. She opened for me and took my tongue greedily into her mouth. Again, we were lost in each other without care for where we were or getting caught. Neither of us heard the footsteps approach.
“Deacon, Simone! This is scandalous!” Sister Marie shouted. “I can’t believe you would sully not only Simone, but the frock that is a symbol of your commitment to God.”
Reluctantly, I met her eyes, the anger burning in them. She’d been cross with us in the past so many times, but I’d never seen her with such vitriol. I bowed my head, shame filling me at the reality of how immoral my actions were. “I have no excuse for my behavior.”
“No, you don’t. You will speak to Father Augustin immediately. Simone, you will go help Sister Anna in the kitchen and wait for my return.”
Coming Undone Page 11