Simone scrambled to her feet and rushed off, her face red and flushed. The shame I felt was replaced with all-consuming sadness. I wasn’t doing right by the woman I loved, and I needed to stop stringing her along. I had to decide to either start a new life with her or let her go.
“André, let’s go,” Sister Marie snapped, dropping my title.
Chapter Nineteen - André
Sister Marie walked with a purpose, her strides longer than should have been possible for a woman of her age. My stomach roiled as the spire of the church grew closer, my own future no longer my choice.
“You should have taken my advice and stepped down. I don’t know what you were thinking,” she continued to chide me. “An innocent woman who is so in love with you and you took advantage of her. I thought you were better than that. I raised you to be better.”
“I’m sorry, Sister. I tried so hard to resist, to let her go. I failed her,” I cried.
“You failed more than just her,” she snapped as she paused for me to open the door for her. “I suggest whatever Father Augustin decides, you take your punishment honorably. And if he decides to keep you on, you should consider if this is truly the path you should take. Only you and God know what’s in your heart, and He is not as forgiving of deceit you won’t admit to.”
I hung my head in shame, knowing she was right. Nothing I could say would change my future or how she felt about me at that moment.
The wooden door seemed so much heavier as I pulled it and the hinges seemed to creak louder than ever before. I didn’t know what I would say or how much I should reveal. There was no way I could ever allow Simone to be punished for my inability to control myself. I was in a position of power, a man of God, and that put me in a place where I should have been able to resist temptation.
Father Augustin’s smile vanished as he spotted the severe expression on Sister Marie’s face, “What is it?”
“André,” the nun urged me to admit my guilt immediately. Father Augustin’s eyebrows knitted in confusion, knowing the nun would always use a formal title.
“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned,” I started the beginning of a confessional out of habit, my nerves causing me to be unable to think of any other way to start. “I kissed Simone in a way that a man kisses his wife. In my robes, no less. I have broken the sacred vow of celibacy expected of a man of God by falling in love with her.”
My head was bowed as I waited for Father Augustin to respond. His voice was even as he addressed Sister Marie, “Thank you for bringing him here. I will take it from here. If Simone would like to attend a confessional, I can open it for her tonight.”
The blood pounding in my ears caused me to miss what she said before her feet came into my view as she passed me. I could feel my monster rising to the surface, the anger at myself so great I didn’t know if I would be able to control it. I was too reckless when it came to Simone and that caused her harm. If I could whip my own back with a leather strap to make up for it, I would.
“Sit,” Father Augustin finally spoke sternly, and I followed his orders. “We all know you love Simone, but I didn’t realize you wouldn’t be able to control yourself around her. You were given a gift to be one of the chosen ones to spread the word of God, yet you’ve abandoned him and shown no restraint.”
“With all due respect, Father, I did ask if I could be transferred,” my anger caused me to say something I shouldn’t have.
I knew what his response would be before he spoke it, I just hadn’t expected the fury in his voice, “Resisting temptation is part of the calling. You must not be weak if you are to take such a serious vow in less than a year. I don’t believe you will make it.”
“Yes, Father. You are right.”
“Now, it has happened. You’ve taken advantage of a young woman and I’d like to know how I can trust you going forward. Can you tell me?” he questioned.
“If Simone were to leave, which she is planning in September, the temptation will no longer affect me,” I stated honestly. “I’ve never looked at any other woman lustfully and I know I never will.”
“And if she doesn’t leave? Or if she comes back? What will happen then, André?” he pressed, his voice rising.
I slumped in the chair, feeling defeated, “I don’t know, Father.”
He crossed his arms over his chest, his eyes boring into me as if he were trying to see into my very soul. I shifted uncomfortably in my seat as I waited for his response. Despair rolled through me as I begged God for strength, my prayer seeming to never be answered. I was such a monster inside He gave up on saving my soul.
“It seems the only way you are able to avoid sin is to remove the temptation one way or another,” Father Augustin mused. “It’s not how life works, brother. If I hadn’t been sure of my answer to not request a transfer before, I am positive now it will not happen. I cannot trust you,” he was honest with me and it stung.
“I understand,” I replied simply, unable to come up with anything else.
“This morning, when you said you went for a walk, was that really what you were doing?” he asked the question I dreaded the most.
My heart pounded as I answered with a lie, “Yes. I walked this morning. I’ve been in a constant state of turmoil since I arrived.”
“Did you visit Simone?” his eyes bored into me.
I panicked and almost said yes, but stopped myself, “No.”
“Have you had relations with the girl? Ones which are only to be shared by a husband and wife?”
“No,” I lied again, my hands sweaty. “I have thought about it many times. I desire to be with her more than I am allowed.” The admission alleviated some of the guilt of lying.
Father Augustin folded his hand in front of his face, his mouth downturned before he spoke. The warmth he exuded was long gone, replaced with irritation, “I cannot allow you to serve in the church with your unchecked desires. When I spoke to your mentor, he told me you had feelings for a woman here and it would be the ultimate test of your commitment to God. You’ve failed that test, André.”
“Yes, I have. I would like to speak to a doctor who I think may be able to help me. It seems I might have something broken in my head that medication can fix,” I relayed the information Simone passed to me, hoping it would help the situation.
“I have heard of these things before, depression and mood issues that can cause a person to act abnormal. The thing is, if you are to become ordained or work for the church in any capacity, you must be committed to God as the one who can save you. You are not. Therefore, I must insist you leave immediately.”
I fell to the back of the chair, having expected a harsh punishment but not one that would prevent me from having a choice in my own future. The priest was kind and understanding, and though I knew he was committed to his position, I had hung onto that thread of hope he would allow me to stay. When that thread was cut, it crushed me. I wasn’t ready but I had no choice. “Surely, you can give me time to see if the doctor can help?”
“I will pay you for your time here even if I’m not required to. I will only do this because I’ve known you since you were eleven years old. You are a good man, André. You are just not meant to work for the Catholic Church in any capacity. Pack your things and I will meet you by the front door with your salary,” his words were final, leaving no room for argument.
“Thank you, Father,” I choked out. “I am truly sorry this happened.”
“It is not for me to judge your actions, nor is it my forgiveness you must ask for. I am only here to shepherd my flock and make hard decisions when they go astray. I pray you will make the right choices.” He stood, indicating the conversation was over.
My legs felt like lead as I stood and walked to his office door. Leaving the safety of his office would make everything final and I wasn’t ready. With no other choice, I forced myself to continue. My own anger rose, the need to lash out strong, giving me the ability to leave the safety of his office and into the hallway beyond.
The click of the door behind me caused my stomach to pitch, and my emotions were out of control, going from angry to sadness, unable to settle on one I could handle.
The desire to lash out and pound my fists against his door overwhelmed me and I knew I needed to go before I made my situation worse. With nowhere else to go once I left, I needed the money he was kind enough to offer me. If I exploded now, I doubted he would follow through, just as I knew if I had admitted to having sex with Simone, he wouldn’t have made that offer.
Clenching my fists, I stalked off towards my room, ready to get the inevitable over with. I had to pack and get out as he instructed and try to tame my beast before I went into the unknown world on my own.
Chapter Twenty - Simone
Sister Marie came back with her face set in stone. I twisted my hands on my lap as I waited for her to start yelling. She surprised me by sitting down at the table across from me and reaching for my hand. Holding them between her own, she gently said, “I know your love for André is greater than I could ever imagine. I’ve told him many times his future in the church is not right for him. I just wish he had left of his own volition.”
“What?” The word encompassed all the confusion I felt.
“I may not have personal experience with love between a man and a woman, but I am not unworldly. I’m not sure what Father Augustin’s punishment is going to be for André, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he is no longer a part of the church.”
“He can’t kick him out!” my bottom lip quivered with the thought of losing him again. “I just got him back. He was trying to decide what he wanted to do. And he was going to go see a doctor for his moods.”
“I believe he does need it. I’ve witnessed his issues firsthand. I hope no matter what happens, he will follow through with seeking help.” Her eyes stared into the distance before she seemed to shake off a memory, “I couldn’t help him more than the church would allow. When he came back and I learned seminary at the university didn’t help, I knew he would need more than allowed. Maybe it is for the best if he is relieved of his duties.”
“What if he hates me for it?” I asked desperately.
“Then you deserve better. Simone, I have raised you since you were a baby, only a few months old. I know you well and I saw the way you lost your passion for life when he left. You just got it back and I don’t want to see you fall back down into the hole of just existing. No matter what happens with André, you need to go to Paris and follow your dream. You can’t be here any longer.”
“But you need help. Sister Catherine is wonderful, but she can’t help with everything,” I pointed out, not wanting to leave if I didn’t have André with me.
She clucked her tongue at me, “I may be old, but I haven’t lost my ability to work as hard as is needed. I only kept you to help you until you could figure out what you need to do with your life. As a matter of fact, I’ve heard back from the University, and you’ve been accepted for the fall. That doesn’t mean you can’t go now. I know you’ve been saving and should have enough to last you until you get on your feet. If André stays, you must leave.”
“Why?” I seemed to be asking that question a lot lately.
“Because if he isn’t sent away, it means he’s decided to stay. You were very careless and I’m not going to touch on that subject because I know you will not join the order. I wouldn’t allow it if you wanted to. But André is free to make his choice. Do you understand what I’m telling you?”
“I do and I appreciate you being so blunt and understanding. It hurts to think he may not choose me. At the same time, I should not put my life on hold for someone who doesn’t choose me.”
She patted my hand, “I’m glad to hear you say it. Now, regarding your place here. I believe with the letter of acceptance, it is a good time for you to leave our services, effective immediately. You have much planning to do in order to move so far away.” Sister Marie pulled her hand from mine and reached into her pocket, pulling out an envelope, “This is for you. It’s your acceptance letter with all the information you’ll need to start school in September, along with an advance of the money a benefactor donated on your behalf.”
My hand shook as I took it from her, completely unexpected, “I don’t know how to thank you for this. It seems to be so much, such a gift.”
“It’s the least we can do for how much joy you’ve brought to our lives. You’ve been the closest thing to a daughter we’ve had, Sisters Anna and Elizabeth along with myself,” she replied as she looked at me lovingly.
Chapter Twenty-One - André
In my small room, I packed what little belongings I had as I thought about what I would do. I was careless and I worried about Simone’s punishment. They were all right about me being a disappointment and now, I would leave her again before I was ready to. I doubted she would forgive me if I didn’t at least say goodbye.
I knew I could make up my mind to be with her, yet it seemed wrong in so many ways. If I were in her position, I would feel like a second choice. In fact, I didn’t know myself if I wanted to go to her because I had nowhere else to go or because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.
The monster inside of me was still alive and I could feel it rising to the surface as I folded my meager belongings and put them in the suitcase I’d arrived with. Nothing had changed since my arrival, just over a month prior.
With my clothes packed, I laid my rosary on top and shut the case. If it weren't made by Simone, I would have thrown it away just as I did my Bible. I cursed God for the life He’d given me before I cursed myself for being so broken God turned away from me.
Hefting the suitcase, I walked to the nave. As I waited for Father Augustin, I looked around the place that was to be my salvation but turned out to be my damnation. Despite the anger running through my veins, I appreciated the beauty of the stained-glass windows high above the pew I sat on. The depictions of different scenes from the Bible were painstakingly done in vivid colors. The light shined through them highlighting the altar in a halo effect. I recalled the way it made me feel as a boy to listen to the music from the organ while Father Augustin went through the rituals, the light casting a glow over him that I swore came directly from God himself.
Now, having spent so much time in this same place, I realized it wasn’t a heavenly miracle. It was the work of a skilled artist. I wondered if my naivety, along with my need for self-sacrifice, was responsible for my own sureness that I was called to be a priest.
Footsteps stopped my reflection and I turned to see Father Augustin walking up the aisle between the pews. I hadn’t expected him to come that way, not that it mattered. Rising from my seat, I met him in the middle, still unable to meet his hard gaze. Silently, he passed me an envelope, “This will get you started on your new path. May God bless your journey.”
“Thank you, Father Augustin. I wish things had been different.”
“So do I, son. So do I,” with a nod of his head, he walked away.
I left the church, the heavy wooden doors banging loudly shut behind me. Glancing at the attached orphanage, a tear trickled down my cheek at the knowledge I would never be able to return. I wished I could see the nuns one last time and apologize to Sister Marie for my debauchery. But it wouldn’t be allowed, and I wouldn’t bring that kind of negativity around the remaining children who counted on the orphanage for a safe place away from the madness of the world.
The first step was the hardest, my legs not wanting to move from my place at the top of the steps. I fought the longing to remain, but I was weak and couldn’t leave. I sat down as I tried to gather myself and force myself to walk to the train station. I would figure out where to go once I arrived there.
It was an hour at least before the sweetest voice in the universe hit my ears, “André, what happened?” She rushed to me, bending down in front of me, far enough away to not cause a scandal. “You have your suitcase. No! Please no, don’t leave me again,” she cried.
I couldn’t s
peak. The stabbing pain was too great and all I could do was bury my face in my hands as I sobbed, the tears flowing freely.
“Come to my apartment,” she said for my ears only. “There’s a public traboule across the street and it’s out of sight from all the widows here. The green door will take you through the city without being seen. Go past the courtyard to the other side. Meet me at my apartment but don’t leave for a little while. I’m sure there are eyes watching,” she left no room for argument.
I nodded and waited until long after she left when the sun started to set. I’d already lost my career, so I wasn’t sure why we were being so cautious. I supposed it was so Simone could keep hers and the connections she’d made in order to go to Paris in a few months. I still didn’t know where I would end up.
The traboules were not something I’d used before, despite the large amount of the passageways throughout this part of the city. Some were now private, and I wasn’t familiar with which ones were or weren’t.
Opening the door, I cautiously stepped in, entering what looked exactly like a tunnel through the buildings. It was almost intimidating with how quiet it was and I tried to keep my footsteps quiet. It wasn’t long before I found the courtyard, a small square space with balconies and stairs going up to the apartments, five levels of them. It seemed like a little gathering space with a cobblestone patio and the old community water wells still off in the corners, though they seemed to no longer be in use and crumbling.
Shaking myself from my fascination with history, I continued on my way. I supposed, in a way, I was avoiding the inevitable meeting with Simone. I didn’t know what to say to her because anything would hurt her either now or later. The darkened traboule matched my mood.
It was strange to exit on a completely different street so far away from the church and so close to Simone’s apartment. It took me a moment to gather my sense of direction before I walked across the street to where she lived. It dawned on me I’d stood right next to it all the times I’d stared at Simone’s window and I didn’t even know it led to such a historical architectural wonder.
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