She waited for me at the door, and I assumed she’d been looking out her window until I arrived. Letting me in, she said nothing as I followed her up the stairway to her space in the attic.
It wasn’t until after she gave me a glass of water and became comfortable on the couch that she spoke. “I can’t believe they let you go for a simple kiss. Unless you told them about our other activities?” her voice rose in question.
“You don’t have to worry. I kept that part a secret. I felt terrible lying to Father Augustin when he asked me directly. It just goes to show how unfit I am for being a priest.” For the first time, I didn't feel as if the world was ending when I admitted it out loud. It was a relief, so much weight off my shoulders that I didn’t know I carried for so long.
“It's not that you were ever unfit, you just weren't meant to be one,” Simone comforted me as she scooted closer and put her head on my chest.
“Yes, I finally realized that you're right. The only problem is, I don't know what I'm supposed to be. I don't have any skills.” I admitted. “How am I supposed to make a living?”
“I bet you have many skills. Let's think about the things you learned when you were at the University. And what they could be used for as a job. You could always work temporarily in something that you don't absolutely love while you figure out what you really want to do,” Simone's positive outlook was just what I needed, and I cursed myself for taking so long to figure it out.
“I learned about keeping accounts for the church. Since we are expected to create our own sermons on top of the scriptures, we concentrated on proper French. This taught me how to write properly. I'm not sure if anything else I learned could be of use, considering it was mostly studying the Bible and theology.” I let out a chuckle, “I would imagine counseling others on their faith wouldn't relate to any job in the real world. I've been banned from serving in the church in any capacity.”
“Completely banned? How could Father Augustin do that to you?” her tone righteous and full of indignation.
“There were many things that led up to this happening. It wasn't just our kiss. Just before I stopped writing to you, I admitted my love for you to my mentor. In turn, he informed the vicar at the University and Father Augustin. I tried everything to stop obsessing over you, but I just couldn't. I still can't.”
“I'm sad for you because you lost what you planned on doing for the rest of your life, yet I am happy for us. You were never meant to go that path. You are beating yourself up over something you can't control.” She leaned her head in the crook of my shoulder partially against my chest, “But we can't go back and change anything. All we can do is move forward and figure out our lives from here on out.”
“Simone,” the weight of my worries came out in the simple act of speaking her name. What was once the most beautiful word that ever left my lips was now like a weight on my shoulders. “I have to figure out my life. You already have one that is planned. In September, you're going to Paris, and I will not let you delay your dream any longer.”
She tilted her chin and smiled at me mischievously, “About that. I'm actually going to Paris a lot sooner than expected. It seems Sister Marie no longer needs my services.”
“No,” I gasped, “I ruined everything for you. I can't believe she let you go over a kiss. And one that was my fault, at that. I was too careless.”
“Stop beating yourself over something we are both guilty of doing. Honestly, it had nothing to do with it. Well, not exactly,” she explained. “It seems everyone has always known we should be together. Sister Marie assumed the Father would let you go, and she knew how it would affect me. Today, she received the letter of my acceptance into the University. She also gave me quite the surprise. It seems she found a benefactor who was kind and generous enough to pay for my living expenses while I attend. She insisted I should go early and use the money for an apartment and to get me by until I can find a job.”
“Really?” I asked excitedly. “I'm so happy for you! You are going to love Paris and I know you won't have any trouble finding a job. Plus, the best art school in the country! You are going to excel and finally achieve your dreams. I can't think of anyone else who deserves it more than you.”
“Come with me,” she didn’t ask. It was an expectation since I was now free of the path I’d chosen under duress. It was the wish she held, and my answer to her was one I dreaded the most.
Taking my arm from her shoulder I stood and started pacing. I tried to figure out the best way to put this without hurting her more than I already had, but it seemed there was nothing that would soften the blow. “I can't,” I started to deny her request.
“No! You are not going to do this to me again, André,” cutting off my response, she crossed her arms over her chest, her mouth shut in a thin line as she stared me down. ”We finally have the chance to be together. I am not going to let you ruin it again. Can't you just let yourself be happy? Let me love you.”
“It's not that, Simone.” I groaned and scrubbed my face, “I told you before that I needed to have my life in order before I could be with you. Here I am with no job, no idea what I'm going to do with my life, and only a handful of francs in my pocket. I can't be the man you need me to be right now.”
“Do you really think that I'm so vapid that I would care about you having money?” The hurt in her eyes sent stabbing pains to my heart. “Together, we can figure it out. Between the two of us, I believe we have enough to survive until both of us are able to find jobs. And if you're worried about not having enough to pay for an apartment, you can pay me back once you find a job. I will do anything to be with you. Don't you feel the same?”
“I do feel the same. I gave up everything because I love you so much. I just don't want to be like my father, and I feel like living off your money will make me like him. He had so many times of losing jobs because he couldn’t get out of bed to go to work, and my mother had to work so hard to make sure we were fed during those times. I need to provide for you, don't you see how important that is?” my own voice rose in desperation for her to understand that I wasn't rejecting her, I just needed more time.
“You are not your father, André. I know you work hard and will never allow yourself to be that way. Come to Paris with me and we'll get you a doctor. I know you'll see they can fix what you call your monster, a name I don’t agree with because it is an affliction which can be fixed. It seems to me you don’t realize how well you treat me. I know you were worried that you've been angry in the past and you've yelled at me, but that's a normal thing, André. Everyone yells, everyone! Don't you remember how many times one of the sisters had to yell at me? You have never laid a hand on me and I know you never would. Even if you doubt it in yourself, I don't. you have more of your mother in you then you realize, and she is what keeps you from being like him.”
“I want to, but that isn't the problem. I can't live with you without being married. It goes against everything we've been raised to believe. And I can't marry you until I'm sure, one hundred percent sure, that the doctors can help me. I love you too much to put you in that kind of danger.”
She threw her hands up in the air and growled, “You are incorrigible! We had sex, André! Out of wedlock. Does that not go against our beliefs? You know the Bible better than I do and you know that is one of the greatest sins. I don't remember one word inside of it that spoke of living together before marriage being a sin. It’s just frowned upon.”
I could feel the rage bubbling up inside of me and I pulled my hair in frustration. I tried to will it to go back down so I could make sense of this conversation. “I need some air.”
“Don't run away from me, please,” she pleaded, her lower lip trembling.
“I won't. I just need a moment to calm down. I feel the monster trying to get out and I’m afraid I'm going to lose control. I'll be back,” I told her as I walked out the door, refusing to look at her because I knew all I would see would be the hurt in her eyes.
Out on
the street, I took in the deep lungful of the cool night air. My hands shook from the adrenaline pumping through my veins. I needed to start walking and burn some of it off.
I'd only gone half a block when I heard the hurried footsteps of someone running behind me. I knew who it was and I wasn't sure if I felt relieved or irritated. I didn't want her to be around me when I felt this way, my fear of hurting her so real. But at the same time, I didn't want to be alone. Deep down, I knew she would have the right thing to say to make me feel better. She’d always been like that, her silly antics making me laugh when I just wanted to scream. Simone was thoughtful since the day I met her, and she gave me a frog, such a simple thing that changed my entire life in more ways than just falling in love with her.
She showed me caring in her simple gesture back then, and now she was doing it again by not letting me be alone to stew in my own self-pity. When she caught up to me, she said nothing, took my hand in hers, and walked with me. Her presence was enough for my muscles to relax, which surprised me.
We walked through the city, The sun having long set and the stars twinkling in the sky. She tugged my hand and led me to a door. I didn't question as she brought me into another taboule. Stopping in the middle of a courtyard, she sat down on the cobblestone bricks and pulled me down with her. Lying back she looked at the stars shining brightly in the sky.
I watched her as a small smile played on her lips and my rage completely disappeared. As I settled next to her, I gave her a kiss on the cheek before I lay next to her on the hard surface. Holding hands, we lay there silently, alone and comfortable. I knew right there that I couldn't be away from her for a single day. Somehow, I had to put not only my pride aside, but also my fears, and be a part of her life.
“Okay,” I said the simple word that held so much weight, yet I felt nothing but relief and contentment.
She squeezed my hand to acknowledge my words and I looked at her. I could barely make out her features, but I didn't need to because they were branded in my mind from my dreams of her every single night. The only thing I could make out was the whiteness of her teeth and my heart soared.
I rolled to my side and propped myself up on my elbow, ignoring the pain from it scraping against the cobblestone. The only thing that mattered in that moment was showing her how I felt. I leaned in and kissed her deeply. Her hands flew to my hair, gripping me as if she were afraid I would disappear. Our tongues collided, swiping against each other in an erotic dance. I wanted to take her right there, make her mine in every way, but the sound of footsteps tore us apart.
Quickly, she stood up with her hand over her mouth to stop the giggles from escaping. She grasped my hand again and took off running, pulling me behind her. The sound of her footsteps echoed off the walls of the tunnel we entered, along with her soft giggles that went straight to my groin.
When we made it back out to the street, I pulled her to my chest and kissed her again. I couldn't get enough of those soft lips against my own. I was so entranced with her, I found myself saying, “Marry me, Simone. Will you please be my wife?”
“Yes,” she said breathily, kissing me again.
This time I couldn't control myself, my excitement at the thought of spending the rest of my life with her finally giving me the happiness I'd always longed for. For the moment, my doubts about hurting her, or not being able to provide her with the life she deserved, disappeared. As she pressed her body against mine, all I could think about was being able to touch her for the rest of my life.
Chapter Twenty-Two - Simone
When André started to deny being with me again, part of me wanted to just shake him and yell, “André, God brought us back together for a reason, so stop fighting it! Stop beating yourself up!” I handled it as best I could, doing the same things I’d done since we were children.
He was so stubborn in his self-hatred, and I had to get through to him. When he ran out, I couldn’t let him be alone, not in how close he was to exploding in his anger. I feared he would hurt himself and I wasn’t afraid of him hurting me, despite what he thought of his own control.
I ran after him and was the person he needed me to be, always. He may have thought himself a burden, but he wasn’t. We both gave and took from our relationship over time, and it didn’t matter that right now he was the one who needed me to give. I knew there would be many times where he would be the one to give as it always had been over our time together.
Now, in the streets and engaged, I felt the burning desire for him rise to the surface. I couldn’t wait for the long walk back to my apartment, I needed him right there.
With our arms wrapped around each other and our lips fused together, I started to walk backwards pulling him along with me. I knew there was an abandoned traboule just a few meters away and that was my destination.
My fingers gripped his shirt as I felt a cold, hard door against my back. One hand letting go of him, I blindly searched for the handle.
“What are you doing?” his curiosity needed to be satiated.
“Aha,” I announced when I finally felt the cold metal handle and turned the knob. With one hand still gripping his shirt I pulled him inside without answering his question.
He seemed to understand as soon as we entered, the door closing by itself behind us. He pushed me against the wall,” My, my, you are insatiable, my darling Simone.”
“Do you have a problem with that?” I asked, my voice sultry and teasing.
Instead of answering right away, he lifted me so that I could wrap my legs around his waist. His hands on my ass unleashed a desire greater than I'd ever felt before. “Take me, André. Show me I’m yours.”
All I had to do was utter the words and he lifted my skirt. I could feel his hand pressing against my apex as he fumbled with a button on his pants. The soft sound of the material falling to the ground sent tingles to my core. There was something so sexy about knowing he had his pants around ankles while the cold of the stone wall seeped through my shirt. His hands roamed my ass and I felt him pull my panties to the side.
Moaning as the cool air brushed against my folds, my body thrummed with anticipation. My arms wrapped around his shoulders, gripping tightly as he lined himself up. As he entered me swiftly, the noises of pleasure sounded through the tunnel.
He paused and I felt myself stretching to accommodate his size. He buried his head in my chest and whispered, “It feels so good. I can't imagine anywhere else I'd rather be.”
Tears sprung from my eyes, this time from joy and the overwhelming sense of love that I felt. He moved his hips slowly, each thrust sending waves of electricity through my body. His groans echoed off the walls, throwing me further into the depths of desire. I begged him for more, needing to feel his pelvis slap against my own.
André obliged, grunting as he went faster and deeper, giving me everything I needed. Every nerve in my body felt as though it were lit from within, and every movement felt as if the angels were singing in Heaven just for us.
I moaned his name as I felt my release rise to the surface, and the pleasurable throbbing caused carnal noises to escape from my lips, louder than ever before. As he pumped into me, I lost all control screaming his name as my body trembled and I clenched around him. My fingernails dug into his back through his shirt as the waves of pleasure continued to shoot straight to my toes. Every part of my body hummed in bliss and ecstasy.
He gripped my ass tighter, his thrusts frantic as he, himself lost control, roaring as he pounded into me, and I felt his hot seed release. His body jerked and he laid his head against my chest, his hot breath seeping through my thin shirt. Yet, there was something else mixed with it, the wetness of tears from his love for me so deep.
“I love you,” I told him, my voice shaky and hoarse.
“I love you, too. You have no idea how much.”
Slowly, he lowered me to the floor. My legs felt so much like gelatin that I had a hard time standing straight. I had no idea how he was able to as I leaned against the wal
l. He smiled at me cheekily before he bent over and pulled up his pants, “I think I can honestly say this is the first time my butt has hung out in public.”
“It's a good thing you have a nice butt. I'd certainly like to see it hanging out more.”
He winked and laughed at me before leaning against the wall next to me, his hand automatically going for mine. “I don't suppose you have a shortcut to get back to your apartment? My legs are a little wobbly right now. Completely worth it, by the way.”
“I was wondering how you were able to stand. My own legs feel the same way. It's a good thing I spent all of my free time exploring the traboules of Lyon. It was the only bit of freedom I felt since leaving the orphanage. For some reason, my apartment doesn't quite cut it. I suppose because it's only one room which is reminiscent of how we spent our childhood, with only a bedroom as our space. And even then, we had to share it with others. I'm embarrassed to say how long it took for me to get used to not hearing snoring next to me at night.”
“Someday I'm going to buy you a house with a big backyard and you will never have to feel that way again. I swear to you, Simone, I will never leave you again. You are my everything and I will do whatever it takes to give you the perfect life you deserve.”
“I would love that, except for one thing. We will do it together, as equal partners like we've always been. You've never treated me as just a girl, so please don't start now. I love you for who you are and who you've always been, not for who you think you should be.”
He nodded, smiling tightly, “As always, you're right. I will do my best to push away those old-fashioned ideas, but you have to promise me to smack me upside the head when I inevitably mess up.”
I threw my head back and laughed, “You know I will. And I will remind you of this conversation every time you screw up. Alright, we need to get going. We have a lot of planning to do tomorrow. Do they have rooms to rent for a short time until we find an apartment in Paris?”
Coming Undone Page 13