The Love You Give

by Sheena Binkley

  “For the past year.”

  Cory chuckled. “So, you just decided to tell me now how you feel. You have never indicated that anything was wrong. Why go a year acting like everything was cool when it wasn’t?”

  “Because I thought things would change. I’m still hoping that it would.”

  “You know I love you, Kia, but things haven’t been the same with you since your mom passed. No matter how I tried to console you and tell you things were okay, you just stopped caring about things. I tried to be there for you before, but there’s nothing else I can do for you.”

  I stared at Cory, wondering how the tables were turned on me. I was supposed to confront Cory about him and he was stating his issues with me!

  “So, we’re going to do this right now? That you feel that I have a problem.”

  “You were going to do it with me, so I might as well put it out there about you too.”

  “Wow, so how long have you been feeling this way about me?”

  “For a while, Kia. But, it doesn’t mean that things will change with us. We can find ways to make things work.”

  “Do you still love me?” I asked.

  Cory sighed. “Of course I love you, Kia. That hasn’t changed. It’s just that things haven’t been the same with us.”

  I blew out the candles near the table and nodded. “Well, at least we agreed to that. And you’re right. There’s no point in doing anything tonight. There’s roast warming up in the stove when you get hungry.”

  I started to walk to our room when Cory called my name. I didn’t even answer him as I walked inside. I closed the door and slid down to the floor. I put my knees to my chest, wishing things had went differently. I stared at the picture of my mom and me and sighed. Christmas was approaching in two months, so I knew things would go even more downhill for me. I knew then that I needed to make a change in my life. Not just with my relationship with Cory, but with my career as well. I was not getting any younger, so I needed to embrace life and be happy. It’s something that I needed more than ever right now.

  ***

  Once Cory went to sleep, I stared at the ceiling, wondering where my life was heading. There was so much I wanted to accomplish, but just didn’t know where to start. I felt I had it all figured out but, as years went by, I realized that I hadn’t. Maybe I felt that Cory was holding me back, to a certain extent; I believe I was holding myself back from what I wanted to do. I was 31 years old, so I should be able to know what I wanted out of life. A lot had occurred after my mom’s death, but I knew in my heart that she wouldn’t want me to be trapped in my current situation. She always told me to seize the day, so that’s what I should do.

  I tried to get some sleep, but the adrenaline that I felt was creeping up in me, so I decided to plan ahead to some of the things that I wanted to accomplish. As the morning approached, I watched Cory get ready for work. He came to me and gave me a warm hug, apologized for last night and kissed me with such passion that left me wondering if I was doing the right thing. I hadn’t experienced that type of kiss from Cory in months, so having that moment was sort of nice.

  Once he left, I started to pack, looking around our bedroom, as flashbacks from our relationship started to come to my mind. When Cory asked me to move in with him, it was such a wonderful feeling to be able to start a wonderful life with him. So I thought. But moving in with him and just being in his presence was what I always wanted. That felt like ages ago, which made me a bit sad.

  I looked around the room again before grabbing my suitcase and handbag. I went through the door to the living room, taking one last look at the house before going to the garage. I put my belongings in my car, grabbed my phone from my handbag and placed my earpiece in my ear. I already emailed the clinic, but I had to tell Brooke about my decision.

  “Hey, girl. Why you’re not at work?”

  “Hey. Are you sitting down?”

  “I’m about to start my shift, like you’re supposed to be doing-”

  “Brooke, please. I really need to tell you this.”

  I heard her sigh and listened for me to continue. “I’m not coming to work because I’m leaving Houston.”

  “Wait, what?”

  “I’m leaving, Brooke. I need to leave.”

  “I know you mentioned it a time or two, but I didn’t think you were serious. So, you’re just going to leave Cory and your job behind? What did Cory say?”

  “Cory doesn’t know I’m leaving.”

  “Come on, Kia. At least tell Cory.”

  “I’m not, B. I think this will be for the best for the both of us.”

  “Can you at least tell me where you’re going?”

  I sighed. I couldn’t tell her because I didn’t even know. “I’ll tell you when the time is right, Brooke.”

  “Seriously, Kia. What if I need to contact you?”

  “I’ll still have my phone, Brooke. Just know that I’ll be okay. But I promise you that you will know where I’ll be, okay.”

  “I don’t like this, Kia. You have never been this impulsive or unpredictable.”

  “Maybe it’s finally time that I am. I need to do what’s best for me right now.”

  I could tell Brooke wanted to give me a lecture, but instead, she just sighed again. “You know I’m going to repeatedly call you.”

  “And you can, B. Just promise me that you will not tell anyone that I’m gone, especially Cory.”

  “What about your dad, K?”

  “I’ll call him soon. But, promise me that you won’t tell anyone, B.”

  Brooke was silent for a few seconds. She blew out a deep breath before speaking. “Okay, I promise, Kia. I wont’t say anything.”

  “Thank you. And I already talked with Jade. I’m just taking a leave of absence due to personal issues.”

  “That’s why she’s been avoiding me.”

  “I’m sorry, Brooke. I didn’t want to put you in the middle of this.”

  “It’s okay. Go find yourself, but please be careful doing it.”

  I smiled. “I will. I love you.”

  “I love you too.”

  I disconnected the call, hating that I couldn’t tell Brooke in person that I was leaving, but this was for the best. I had to do this.

  I looked at my belongings, wondering if I was doing the right thing. Brooke was right; I had never done anything this impulsive. I began to think about my relationship with Cory and the path I was heading before my mom passed. I thought about taking care of my dad and not finishing school. My mind wandered with so many thoughts of the life that I was living and the way I was with Cory. I lost myself along the way, so I knew I had to stop thinking about everyone else and start thinking about me for once.

  I hit the garage opener and started up the ignition. It was time to choose my destiny. Wherever it was, I was finally ready for it.

  2.

  Cane

  “Yes, Cane! Yeeeeessssss!”

  I stared at Lillian as her expression was going into the ecstasy phase. I loved to see that face on a woman because I knew she was about to cum. That’s when I knew I was doing my job.

  “That’s right, baby. You know I like it when you cum,” I whispered. I slightly tugged on her ear while gripping her hips, pulling her closer to me while going deeper in her. She slapped her ass onto me, gripping her thighs together, which had me cussing.

  “Fuck!” I growled. Before I knew it, she was screaming my name so loud, everyone in the club probably heard it. I didn’t care if anyone did as I continued to pound myself into her. I held onto her, releasing myself into her. Shit, that was wild.

  She fell forward onto the desk, as I held onto her. She let out a long-winded breath and I chuckled.

  “Damn, girl, you are definitely a stress reliever,” I said. I slapped her on the ass and she laughed.

  “Well, you definitely know how to work me,” Lillian said. She turned around to stare at me. Her eyes lowered to my dick and I shook my head.

  “Careful
now, before you start something again.”

  “What if I want to?” Lillian asked. She caressed my shoulder and I slowly pulled away. I met Lillian a few weeks ago and she was a lot of fun, but I already made my mind up that we wouldn’t be seeing each other after tonight. I was ready to move on to my next adventure. Whoever she may be.

  “Listen, Lillian, you’re great, but-”

  “But what?” she asked in an attitude. She folded her arms across her chest and gave me a stony glaze.

  “But, I think we need to cool things off for a bit. I’ve been busy with work and I don’t think it’s fair to you that I’m not giving you the attention that you deserve.”

  “Cane…”

  I put my hand on her shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze before giving her a sincere glance. “You deserve better, Lillian.”

  She stared at me before giving me the side eye. “You’re full of shit, Cane.”

  “Believe what you want, but I really do like you. I just feel like the time is not right for us.”

  “If you insist,” she said. She quickly grabbed her dress and put it back on. She stared at me and sighed. “I really do like you, Cane, but you’re right. It probably wouldn’t work for us.”

  “No hard feelings.”

  “Of course not. Besides, I was seeing someone else anyway, so it’s your loss.”

  I nodded. “Have a great night, Lillian.”

  She smirked before getting her purse from the chair near the desk and going to the door. As soon as she closed it, I went to my desk chair and sat down. I looked at the cameras in front of me, seeing the club was still intact before going to my computer to see the totals for the night. I sighed, not really worried about that since I knew the club was doing well. Hell, it’s Wednesday night, so it should be doing well.

  I glanced at my phone, seeing that I received several texts from April, another woman that I recently met, but didn’t read it. Not that I didn’t want to, I just didn’t have the time to. Not only was I an ad executive for an ad agency, but I also owned a club downtown. Actually, it was my brother, Aaron’s, club before I took over. He decided to become tied down and have a family, so he wanted to leave the club life behind. I was all for having a domestic life, but I would never go down that route. That’s not for me. Never had been and never will be.

  The club came in handy since I figured I could meet different women there. Once I became the owner, I changed the name from Grasshopper to Visions, changed up the atmosphere, and got a new staff. I figured if anyone wasn’t on board with my style of things, they could take a walk to the unemployment line. I liked to see people squirm to keep their jobs, so I didn’t mind doing the new changes. I got a high off of being in control of things.

  I continued to go back to watching the club cameras, looking at every angle of the building. I leaned back in my chair, wondering if I should just go home for the night. The club’s lead bartender, Karla, had everything under control, so I didn’t have to be there. There was a knock on the door. I wondered who the hell that could be, when I heard my brother’s voice on the other end.

  “Open up, bro! I know you’re in there.”

  I sighed, wondering what the hell he wanted as I got up. I took a deep breath, preparing myself for this meeting. Since Aaron gave the business to me, he rarely visits and, when he did, it wasn’t social. I opened the door to see him giving me the death stare. I sighed and let him in.

  “What do I owe the pleasure of this visit, big bro?” I asked while closing the door.

  Aaron went over to the desk and was about to sit on the end of it but reconsidered.

  “You can sit down.”

  “I prefer not to. It’s no telling what you did in here before I arrived.”

  “Whatever. Anyway, I do have a business to run, so make it quick.”

  “A business that I gave you, cocky muthafucker. But, you forgot that, didn’t you.”

  “What do you want, Aaron?”

  Aaron paused for a bit before speaking. “It’s about Mom. You need to go see her.”

  I rolled my eyes before going to my desk chair. He could have saved a visit for that. While Aaron and I were alike in some ways, the differences came when he got married and our opinions of our mother. Melissa Brooks was not your typical mother; she pretty much abandoned us when we were younger to go pursue her singing career. Through her sporadic visits, she barely talked to us and they only lasted an hour. My dad was the real parent in my life who helped me through a lot. Well, him and his girlfriend, Elle. Hell, Elle was more of a mother to us than our actual mother was. But, I guess since Aaron turned over a new leaf, he felt he had to give everyone a second chance, including being in Melissa’s life. Just because he had didn’t mean I had to.

  “Listen, Aaron, save the lecture for another day. I’m not in the mood to hear it.”

  “You should, Cane. She’s still our mother.”

  “Your mother, not mine.”

  “Don’t do that, Cane. She has made some mistakes, but she brought you in this world. It doesn’t have to be now, but just talk to her.”

  I gave Aaron a unsympathetic look, wondering when this conversation would be over. I had better things to do.

  “Are you done lecturing me?”

  “When did you become such an asshole?”

  “The day I was born, so is there something else you needed because I really do need to go?”

  “There is something else. Marcia is pissed at you for what you did to Abby. That’s her friend you screwed over.”

  I laughed. “Oh, Abby. Sweet girl, until I decided to fuck her. Now, she decided she wanted to slash my tires.”

  “For good reason. She was on the rebound when you two met. You practically took advantage of her.”

  “Hold up, she was very aware of what she was doing. She just couldn’t hang, that’s all.”

  “You think this is all a game, Cane. You’re 32 years old; when will you finally stop acting like a child and be a man?”

  “I’m all man, bro. And I’m still very much in the game. Unlike you, who decided to become a whipped punk.”

  Aaron shook his head. “I’m not whipped; I just grew up. Something you need to do.”

  He went to the door but turned back around to stare at me. “Just for that, Marcia doesn’t want you at the house; that’s why I came here. I figured this was the only way to see you.”

  “Well, tell Marcia the feeling is mutual. I never liked her and never will.”

  “That’s my wife, Cane.”

  I shrugged. “You know I like to give my opinion. No feelings spared.” I gave a wicked grin, knowing Marcia really was not going to like me after she realized I was fucking Lillian, who was also her best friend.

  “You really are an asshole.”

  “Good night, Aaron.”

  He scoffed and went to the door. He slammed it, making me roll my eyes again. Whatever opinions he had of me, he could keep to himself. He had to remember he was me at one point, so he could take his opinionated ass back to his opinionated wife. They belonged together.

  I looked at the club cameras again, realizing I didn’t need to be there. I ran my hand through my blonde hair and headed straight to the bar for a drink. I pulled out a bottle of whiskey and a glass. I poured some and stared out the window. A lot of things were going through my mind, from the multiple interactions with women, to my messed up family history, to even my daily routine with my day job and the club. I had so much going on, so I didn’t need any added stress or distractions. I just wanted to live my life, so what’s wrong with that?

  I continued to watch the night sky, knowing I didn’t need to feel guilty about anything that I was doing. If anyone didn’t like the way I lived my life, then the hell with them, because I’m doing just fine.

  3.

  Kia

  While driving halfway through Buffalo, I was wondering if I was making the right decision on leaving Houston. I should have thought this plan through instead of just packing
up and leaving. I hadn’t even contacted my dad or called Brooke back to let her know I was on the road.

  I glanced at the highway sign, thinking where could I go. I could always go to Dallas or San Antonio. I loved going there to visit, but I wasn’t sure about staying there. Maybe I could go to a small town where there wasn’t too much happening; but I didn’t want to go somewhere that was so polarized that I might end up wanting to go back home. If I wanted to take a chance and try something new with my life, I had to see this plan through.

  I was two and a half hours into my drive when I was suddenly getting restless. I needed a break, but I still didn’t know where I was heading. I turned off my satellite radio station to hear the current radio station in the area. Seeing that I was in Tyler, Texas, I could continue driving to Dallas since it was another hour to drive. But, as I looked at the scenic route from the TX -155, I suddenly became intrigued with stopping to see what this town was about. It wasn’t a big area, but it still had a city vibe that I could become accustomed to. I needed a break from the city, so maybe this would do me some good.

  I exited off and drove down the South Vine Avenue, taking in some of the sights of the area. I was getting tired, so all I wanted to do was find the nearest hotel that was decent and get some rest.

  After 30 more minutes of driving, I decided to end my drive at the Hampton Inn, grabbed my bags, and went to see if they had any rooms available. I only had enough for two weeks, so hopefully they wouldn’t charge too much.

  Once I was able to check in, I went to my room, put my key card into the lock and walked in. I threw my bags in the middle of the floor, went to the bed and stretched out, staring at the ceiling with a mix of anxiety, nervousness, and excitement going through my body. I actually did it. I left the life I knew behind and wanted to start a new one.

  I scrolled through my phone, seeing if I wanted to call Brooke, but I landed on the photo section instead. I looked through my pictures, when I stopped on a photo of a medical terminology chart. I closed my eyes, thinking about the first semester of nursing school, wishing that I should have gone back. At the time, things were a bit complicated. After my mom’s passing, I just didn’t have the drive to go back. My mom was my motivation, so it was hard to pursue something when I knew she wouldn’t be able to see it through. Yes, she’s watching over me in heaven, but I wanted her to physically be here to see me follow in her footsteps. That’s something she’d never be able to do.