Matters of the Heart

by Catherine Maiorisi

“Well, other than making people squirm, I spend lots of time staring at the ceiling. Sometimes I watch TV but mostly it doesn’t interest me.” Her voice became distant, sad. “I guess I mostly space out.”

  And probably stoke your rage at being abandoned, Andrea thought. “What would you like to do? Given your current condition, that is?” Got to herd this woman in the right direction. She took another bite.

  “Wow, nobody’s asked what I’d like. I’d love to sit in my garden but we know that’s not going to happen. I’d love to read a book, but I can’t hold one. I’d love to listen to music, I’d love to go to my house on Fire Island.” Darcy’s voice drifted off. Looking like she wanted to cry, she shifted her eyes over Andrea’s shoulder, toward the window.

  “What kind of books do you like?”

  Her eyes swung back to Andrea. “I read, used to read, a lot of different things. I like well-written romances and mysteries with lesbian characters.” She held Andrea’s eyes as if waiting for confirmation.

  Andrea returned her look but didn’t provide the information she was seeking. Darcy was already too sexual for her comfort.

  “But I also like literary novels, mysteries, thrillers, as long as they’re well-written and have interesting characters and plots. Mostly I read non-fiction, political books, history, particularly English, American and Italian, biographies and psychology.”

  “Eclectic, huh? What about music?”

  “Eclectic in music as well. Classical, opera, blues, country, rock, depending on my mood. Nothing too raucous.”

  “Do you have an iPod?”

  “I did, but it was in the car when it burned.”

  “How about after I eat, I give you my iPod? We can put together a playlist, I’ll put the earbuds in, and you can listen. Maybe it will help you relax.”

  Darcy’s smile said yes, yes, yes.

  “And, what do you like to do my good doctor?”

  “I enjoy hiking and running. I’m pretty eclectic in books and music too, except I throw in some medical books to stay up in the field.”

  “Is your field cardiology?”

  “I’m an emergency room doctor.”

  The color drained from Darcy’s olive skin. “Am I so bad that I need someone like you with me twenty-four-seven?”

  Without thinking, Andrea gently brushed the hair off Darcy’s forehead. “No, no. Don’t worry. I just happened to be available.” She could see the question forming in Darcy’s mind so she stood. “I’ll get my iPod.” She bolted next door to her bedroom. She left the door open but went into the bathroom, closed that door, and leaned against it. What was I thinking touching Darcy so tenderly? Shit. Darcy would probably use the gesture as fuel for her sexual harassment.

  After she caught her breath, Andrea washed her face and hands, then picked up her iPod and returned. Darcy either hadn’t noticed or didn’t find it noteworthy, so she relaxed and they spent some time discussing music. It seemed they liked many of the same things.

  Darcy grinned. “Definitely Ravel’s Boléro. It makes me feel sexy.”

  Here we go again. All conversations with Darcy led to sex. “We should probably skip it then.”

  “Afraid I’ll become a raging beast?” Darcy’s tone was mocking.

  Damn she hadn’t meant to say that aloud. And, probably for the millionth time in her life, she wished she wasn’t so fair-skinned that every little blush flashed like the warning light at an intersection. “Would you be offended if I said yes?”

  Darcy shook with laughter, a deep belly laugh. “Not at all. As you’ve seen, I can be a raging beast. And, I’m sorry to say, you’ve also experienced me using my eyes and my words to be a sexual beast. But, I promise to control myself.”

  “Was that an apology?”

  Darcy reddened. “For the tone and the delivery, not the sentiment.” She tensed.

  Andrea narrowed her eyes. True the tone was insulting and the sentiment could be viewed as a compliment. Darcy seemed to get it. “Accepted.” She turned back to the iPod. “What else?”

  They cycled through the options. “Great, I love Adele. And, all the oldies like Stevie Nicks, Joan Baez, Judy Collins, Janis Joplin, Tracy Chapman, Nancy LaMott, Cowboy Junkies, Emmylou Harris. Can we get some opera and—”

  “Hey, this isn’t your last chance to make a playlist. Why don’t you listen for a while?”

  “Sorry, I told you I was greedy. It feels like ages since I’ve heard music so I want it all now. But it would be nice to listen for a while.”

  Andrea plugged her in and turned the iPod on. The smile on Darcy’s face as she listened touched Andrea’s heart. Then, with one eye on Darcy, she continued cleaning and setting the room up to her liking. When Darcy’s face went slack, Andrea crept into her own room. She left the door between them open and sat in the easy chair by the window. From there she could watch Darcy in the mirror over the dresser. She sighed. The day had been stressful, but she was feeling more optimistic now. She thought about where they were versus where they’d started and realized that she’d enjoyed talking to Darcy while she ate. Poor woman was starved for company and conversation. Then she had an epiphany. Darcy would feel less isolated if they ate meals together and that would help her relax. Such a simple thing. She picked up the intercom and Gregg answered. “Gregg, please tell Maria I would like my meals served at the same time as Darcy’s so we can eat together.” That done, she picked up Love by the Numbers, the romance she’d started the night before.

  “Dr. Trapani.” Darcy called from the other room.

  Andrea looked up, shocked that nearly an hour had passed.

  “Coming, Darcy.” She put her book down and went into Darcy’s room. “Have a nice nap?” One of the earbuds was lying on the pillow. “Do you want to listen to more music?”

  “Not now, but thank you so much. I feel like I slept for hours.”

  Andrea removed the other earbud and put the iPod on the table near the bed. “Actually, it was only about an hour.”

  The catheter drainage bag was nearly full and Darcy probably needed a bedpan by now. She’d been surprised that Darcy wasn’t wearing a diaper but diapers were difficult for most patients and she thought it would be particularly difficult for someone like Darcy. Well, bedpan or diaper, they’d have to face it eventually. She braced herself. “Darcy, I noticed you’re not wearing a diaper. Isn’t it difficult for you to sit on the bedpan with the leg casts?”

  Darcy flushed. “It’s uncomfortable but I won’t wear a diaper.” Her voice was hard.

  Andrea could see she’d tensed for an argument. It was probably better not to make an issue of it. If there was a problem, she’d come back to it another day. If there was another day. “Fine. I’m going to empty your drainage bag. Should I put you on the bedpan first?”

  Darcy looked miserable.

  Damn. Darcy was embarrassed. Andrea wondered if she’d she done something to elicit that reaction. No, she’d had her stray thoughts about Darcy’s body but she was sure her behavior had been professional. Darcy would probably go on the defensive and attack but she’d just have to gird her loins since there was no way to avoid this discussion. She retrieved the bedpan but she wanted Darcy to feel in control so she pulled the chair over again, putting them on the same level. “I’m a doctor, Darcy. I know how the body works and believe me I’ve seen a lot of excrement in the emergency room. Plus, let me remind you that we all do it.”

  Darcy refused to meet Andrea’s eyes. “Yeah, but it’s embarrassing. I don’t want to ask you to do that, to see me like that.”

  No attack. Score one for me. “We don’t have too many choices here, Darcy. And, you know, in the greater scheme of things, it’s not the worst thing for either of us, so let’s not make it a big deal. Okay?”

  Darcy was silent. Then she nodded slowly. “Thank you, Dr. Trapani, for being patient with me.” She smiled. “I guess if you’re willing, I shouldn’t complain.”

  Andrea cleaned and reconnected the urine bag, then quickly and e
fficiently took care of Darcy and the bedpan. It went smoothly. She was pleased they’d gotten through it without either of them stressing, another small battle won.

  Darcy asked to listen to music again. She also asked Andrea to stay in the room with her. Given Darcy’s tendency to sexualize everything, Andrea decided it was best to not announce her sexuality by bringing her book in, so she sat nearby doing a crossword puzzle.

  At six, Carlo delivered their dinners and told Andrea to leave the dirty dishes on the cart in the hall and he’d pick them up in the morning. He also gave her keys to the house so she could lock up after the nurse arrived at eight o’clock. Before he left he kissed Darcy on the cheek.

  Darcy’s eyes widened when she realized Andrea intended to eat with her. She smiled sweetly. “Thank you, Doctor. I appreciate,” her voice broke, “the company.” Her eyes filled. “Everyone else shoveled it in and disappeared. I’ve been lonely.”

  “I thought it would be more interesting for both of us.” She placed a fork full of salmon in Darcy’s mouth. “Do you remember that a nurse will be here from eight tonight to eight tomorrow morning?” She took a bite of salmon. No question, Maria was a wonderful cook.

  Darcy chewed slowly, seeming to enjoy the fish. “I remember. You’ll be in the bedroom, right?”

  “Yes. I might go out for a run after I get the nurse oriented, but then I’ll be right there in the bedroom if you need me.”

  “A run sounds wonderful. I used to run. Around the reservoir in Central Park when I was in the city and on the beach at my Fire Island house.”

  “You’ll be walking again in a couple of months.”

  “It’s hard to imagine. I feel like I’ve been trapped in this room for years. A couple of months seems like forever. Do you think I’ll be able to run again?”

  “I assume your legs will be fine and with time you’d be able to run but I’m not sure about your heart. By the time you feel like running Dr. Castillo should be able to tell you. Have you ever run along the Hudson River where the marina is?”

  “I haven’t been there in years.” She shrugged. “Maybe someday, if I can, I’ll go there. I’ve heard they’ve made it really beautiful.”

  “It is beautiful.” Andrea waved the fork. Darcy opened her mouth, chewed and swallowed. “Um, this not-linguine-Alfredo dinner isn’t half bad.” She opened her mouth for more.

  When the last spoonful of fresh fruit salad had been eaten, Darcy sighed. “Are you sure this diet is good for me?”

  “Did you enjoy the meal?”

  “I did. I’ve been afraid I was going to gain a lot of weight because I’m barely moving. Do you think your diet might help keep the weight off?”

  “It should but don’t worry about the calories now, your body needs more than usual while it’s healing.”

  “If you don’t feel like running tonight, you might enjoy sitting in the garden. Have you seen it? It’s private and it’s safe. You get to it through the kitchen.”

  “I think I’ll run tonight, but I’ll keep it in mind.” Andrea carried their dishes to the cart. “Okay, Darcy, time to check vitals again. She smiled at the blood pressure reading. “One hundred fifty over seventy-five. Not perfect but much better.”

  Darcy didn’t respond.

  Now what? “Something wrong?”

  Darcy cleared her throat. She gazed at the windows. “I was just trying to figure out how to get you to not leave tomorrow.”

  So Maria was right. Andrea wasn’t surprised she’d enjoyed the challenge of taming the beast but she was surprised she’d enjoyed Darcy’s company and surprised to realize she wanted to stay. She had no illusions, Darcy’s underlying issues, fear of being alone and feelings of abandonment, were not gone, but once she got past her terror and rage, Darcy was an interesting woman.

  “Let’s see now.” She tapped her finger on her lips. “Hmm. You could try asking me to stay.”

  Darcy turned to Andrea, her face hopeful. “Dr. Trapani, would you stay and take care of me? Please?”

  “I’d be delighted, Darcy.” And she meant it. She knew it would be up and down but she felt alive, a hundred times better than the depressed lethargy she’d been stuck in for the last few months.

  Darcy smiled. “Thank you. I feel…safe with you. It’s…I like it. I like you.” Her eyes filled. “Hey, can I ask what this night nurse is going to do to me?”

  “Why don’t you think of it as doing for you rather than to you? Mostly she’ll take your vitals a few times, watch over you while you sleep and be available if you need water or a bedpan or anything else overnight. I’ll be right here if there’s a problem. And since I didn’t get a chance to wash you today, I’m going to ask her to do that before you go to sleep.”

  Chapter Six

  After changing into her wicking V-neck tee and ankle-length running tights rather than her usual shorts and tank top, Andrea stretched, then went to Darcy’s room to tell her she was leaving. Dressing discreetly didn’t prevent Darcy’s candid appraisal. Those lovely blue eyes danced over every inch of her body, leaving no doubt Darcy liked what she saw. Once again Andrea’s body responded to the frank assessment with a burst of heat. Before today that had never happened from just a look. Or was it before Darcy? As she ran down the four flights of steps, Andrea realized that she enjoyed Darcy’s company but found her temper and piggy ways offensive. Obviously her sexual response to Darcy was just a chemical reaction, the result of Darcy’s pheromones attracting her due to her self-imposed abstinence in the last four months. Actually, it had been a very long time since she’d had anything but casual, almost mechanical, sex, so her physical reaction to someone as sexual as Darcy flirting with her was understandable. Wasn’t it?

  Right now Darcy was helpless and dependent, and, it was clear, she was anxious and feeling abandoned and deprived. Andrea guessed flirting made her feel alive, more like her old self. In a way, she needed it to help her through these next few months until she regained her independence. But, chemicals and her body’s response aside, Andrea had no desire to become involved with Darcy so she would have to be the adult in the room and keep things professional.

  When she was at home on the west side, she almost always ran in Riverside Park along the Hudson River but she did occasionally run around the reservoir in Central Park, so she was comfortable running there tonight. As usual she let her mind roam free and tonight her thoughts kept coming back to Darcy, how to help her, how even with her potty mouth and sarcastic attacks she was sexy and beautiful, how seductive she was, how her flirting seemed to touch places in Andrea that didn’t usually get touched. Chemicals, she reminded herself.

  Andrea stretched on the front steps, steps that were new and strange when she’d arrived less than fourteen hours ago. It had been a long and stressful day and although the run hadn’t cleared her mind as it usually did, it had worked out all the tension she was feeling from her first day at work in four months. Now she’d shower, read a little and sleep.

  Darcy was asleep. The earbuds were in place and she looked peaceful, a huge difference from this morning. Andrea waved the nurse, Francine, out to the hallway. “How has she been?”

  “Good.” She handed Andrea the chart she’d brought out. “Her pressure was about the same as when you took it earlier.”

  Andrea looked at the chart and handed it back.

  “She didn’t need much from me other than water and the iPod. But she insisted you said you would wash her in the morning. I didn’t want to argue and get her pressure up so I let it go but I’m happy to stay and do it in the morning after you discuss it with her. Other than that, she’s been very pleasant and easy to be with. She said she was tired and I should just relax and read my book.”

  Andrea shook her head. “I told her I was going to ask you to wash her.”

  Francine looked alarmed. “I swear—”

  Andrea held up a hand to stop her. “Don’t worry, I believe you. I guess Devious Darcy wants me to wash her.”

  Franc
ine’s shock came through in her voice. “But you’re a doctor. Really, I can do it before I leave in the morning.”

  Andrea laughed. “It’s okay, Francine. It won’t be the first time I’ve washed a patient and probably not the last. I worked in Africa with Doctors Without Borders. We were always short- staffed so we did whatever was necessary to treat the patient.”

  Francine gazed at her. “If you’re sure.”

  “I’m sure. Wake me if you need help getting her on and off the bedpan, or if she wants me, or her pressure goes high again.”

  “We’ve already managed the bedpan once, so I don’t foresee a problem.”

  “As I said earlier, keep an eye on the catheter bag and her pressure.” She thought for a second. “She really needs to rest, so let her sleep till about three before waking her.”

  “Gotcha.”

  “Now, unless you have questions or need something, I’m going to take a shower and go to bed.”

  “See you in the morning.”

  Very pleasant indeed. What a difference twelve hours could make. Although she’d worried about leaving Darcy with another new person, once Francine arrived Andrea had relaxed. She’d worked with enough nurses in her time to recognize that Francine, a plump earth-mother type with curly chestnut hair, soft brown eyes and a warm, caring, no-nonsense professional manner, was one of the good ones. Apparently, Darcy had responded well to her. Progress. Andrea found herself humming in the shower.

  As she dried off and put on her pajamas, she examined the family pictures displayed on the bookshelves. Assuming the couple in the photos was Darcy’s parents, she had her father’s height and blue eyes but otherwise looked like her mother. The early pictures showed Darcy as an infant then a baby. Around three or four another little girl appeared between Darcy and her dad. The very small and very blond girl didn’t resemble Darcy or her parents. In all the photos after that, the two girls were together, often with the blonde between Darcy and her dad, right up through what appeared to be college graduation. If they were the same age, probably not a sister. Adopted? Maria and Carlo’s daughter? She’d have to ask Darcy. Other photographs looked to be from college. One that caught Andrea’s eye showed Darcy in the arms of a very tall, very blond young woman, the two of them looking at each other with such love it was touching. Obviously a past lover. She wondered what had happened.