“You’re something, my dear doctor. Candace dumped on you in public tonight and yet you feel for her and want to help.”
“That’s me, Dr. Pollyanna.”
“Sarcasm will get you nowhere. Even though she was drunk and hurt, Andrea, she had no right to attack you or to reveal things about your private life. You did nothing to deserve that. I have no idea what she was talking about and to be frank, I don’t care about what happened in your past. But…it would be good for you to talk about it, I think.” She sat quietly, giving Andrea time to consider. “Please talk to me, sweet doctor.”
Andrea raised her eyes to look at Darcy. “What can I say?”
“You can tell me what happened.”
“I can’t talk to you.”
“Sure you can, you’re not my therapist. Besides we talk all the time, but it’s usually me who’s talking and you’re listening. Move closer. Let me hold your hand while you talk.”
Andrea laughed. “I think I’d better stay here.”
Darcy wondered whether Andrea was afraid of what she, Darcy, would do if they were close, or what she, Andrea, would do. “When did whatever happened occur?”
“A little over five months ago.”
“Were you asked to leave your job?”
“No, I left because I was freaked out. I felt like I’d failed Nora.”
“Tell me what happened?”
“I met Nora on a hiking trip. She was nice. We both enjoyed outdoor stuff so we started dating. But I was in love with someone else and my relationship with Nora never went beyond friendship for me. When I saw she was getting serious, I broke it off with her. She hadn’t expected it and she kept calling and leaving messages, begging me to give us a chance. A week later, I was on duty in the emergency room and the ambulance brought in four people who had been run down by a taxi on Broadway. One of the residents called me over. ‘You’ve got to see this.’ The woman had borne the brunt of the collision. She was covered in blood, her arm had been severed and she had been almost sliced in half by the taxi.
“As I opened my mouth to issue orders, the woman spoke. ‘Andrea, honey, I’m so happy you’re here. Please hold my hand.’ It was Nora. I was working fast and hadn’t really looked at the woman, so I hadn’t recognized her under all the blood and grime. I took her hand but it was the hand on the severed arm. I froze. Someone put my hand in her attached hand. I could see her lips moving but I couldn’t hear what she was saying. I couldn’t speak. The interns and residents were calling my name but I couldn’t do anything, couldn’t think, couldn’t order an OR. One of the senior nurses, a friend, ran over to see what was happening. She took it in immediately, pushed me out of the way and began issuing orders: ‘Call in Dr. Foster,’—he was the other ER doctor—‘Get me an OR,’ and so on. Nora died before they could get her to an OR. Later the nurse called my best friend who came and took me to her apartment. I never went back.”
“Oh, Andrea, what a horrible thing.” Darcy stretched her hand toward Andrea, instinctively wanting to touch her. “Do you feel responsible for her death?”
“I…I feel guilty for breaking up with her and causing her so much pain. But there was no way to save her.”
“Knowing and believing are two different things, my sweet doctor. Why haven’t you gone back to the ER?”
“I was afraid I would freeze again.”
“So that’s why you were available to take care of me?”
“Yes. Julie, Dr. Castillo, is my best friend. You needed full-time medical care and she thought it would be a good way for me to ease back into medicine.” She didn’t tell me I would fall in love with you. “So, now you know I’m a lesbian.”
“You know, Doctor, I would rather have left it a question than for Candace to cause you to suffer like this.”
“It’s my own fault. If I didn’t still feel guilty about breaking up with Nora, then what Candace said wouldn’t have hurt and embarrassed me. It’s time to come to grips with it, just as Candace needs to come to grips with the fact you don’t love her.”
“Are you still in love with that other woman?” Darcy’s heart was galloping.
“No. I’m over her.”
“As your friend said, we can’t control matters of the heart.” Darcy smirked. “But of course now that I know you’re a member of the tribe, I won’t give you any peace.”
* * *
Andrea woke first, surprised to find herself lying with her head on Darcy’s shoulder and an arm thrown over Darcy’s chest. Well, she couldn’t blame Darcy for this. She tried to move away without waking her, but Darcy’s eyes popped open. “You can sneak away but don’t think I didn’t notice you sleeping on me all night.”
Andrea reddened. “Surely not all night?”
“Pretty much the whole night. And, just so you know, Francine peeked in a little while ago to see if we were up.”
“Oh no, my reputation is ruined.”
“Actually, your reputation is probably enhanced.”
Andrea went into business mode. She’d figure out how to handle this later. “Time to get you washed and dressed. Think about what you want to wear while I get organized.” She took a deep breath and faced Darcy. “And I don’t want to talk about this right now. Okay?”
Darcy nodded.
When they were ready, she called Francine to help move Darcy. Even if Darcy hadn’t told her, Francine’s expression made it clear that she knew Andrea had slept with Darcy.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Andrea hadn’t expected the whole group to wait to have breakfast with Darcy, but the table was set with juice, a bowl of fresh fruit and a basket of freshly baked muffins, and the fragrance of griddling buttermilk pancakes and strong coffee drifted from the kitchen. Elle was banging a gong on the deck as they entered, calling anyone who had wandered down to the beach while waiting for breakfast.
Andrea had decided to explain what Candace was referring to, because it was not at all what she had hinted. So when they sat down for breakfast, she described what had actually happened. To her surprise, the women at the table lined up to hug her and thank her for sharing the truth. She felt as if a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. Darcy sought her hand under the table and smiled into her eyes as Andrea fed her.
Everyone lingered over breakfast, then the women drifted out to the beach and Andrea and Darcy went out to the deck on the ocean side with their books and the iPod. Andrea called Karin. After hearing the story, Karin agreed that Candace seemed to be in serious trouble. She suggested that if Candace hadn’t come around by about three, they should find her so Darcy could talk to her and get her to call. Karin would talk to her over the phone and then make herself available to meet with her tomorrow.
“How are you feeling, my dear doctor?”
“Actually, I’m feeling terrific. Thank you, Dr. Darcy, for the therapeutic intervention last night.”
Darcy cleared her throat. “Do you think that since we’re both doctors and since we’ve already slept together I might call you Andrea?”
Andrea stared into those deep blue eyes, made bluer by the sky and the ocean, then moved to the soft, loving face, and couldn’t deny Darcy that intimacy. Truth be told, it thrilled her to hear Darcy say her name in that sexy voice of hers.
“Well, Dr. Darcy, since you have been calling me Andrea more and more, I feel I might as well act as if I have some power in this decision. You have my permission to call me Andrea. But, just so you don’t get a big head, I’m going to ask everyone to call me Andrea as well, unless you object.”
Lunch was a fun meal prepared by Maya and Renee. A delicious grilled chicken salad stuffed into avocados, served on a bed of greens, with grilled pineapple and a dab of vanilla ice cream for dessert. Wine, beer, iced tea and lemonade were available.
Darcy looked like she’d won the lottery as Andrea fed her. Andrea was aware of the group studying them, as if trying to discern the difference. Then Tori spoke up. “Andrea, why don’t we take turns feeding Darcy s
o you can rest? Give me her fork.”
Darcy put her hand up as if to ward off an attack. “No, no, Andrea, please don’t give up my fork. They’ll kill me. They’ll shovel too much in too fast or too slow. You’re the only one who knows my rhythm.”
“Ah, so you two have rhythm, is that the difference I see, Darce? Have you two found your groove?”
“Wouldn’t you love to know? But just what do you think the Pillsbury Doughgirl could do in bed?”
“Ha, I can think of a few things. Let’s see, you have one hand and a mouth and Andrea has two hands and a mouth so—”
Elle put a hand over Tori’s mouth. “Enough. Leave them alone.”
Everyone laughed.
Andrea blushed and glanced at Francine but she shook her head, indicating she hadn’t said anything about finding Andrea curled around Darcy this morning. They just sensed a difference in them. Darcy was ecstatic to confirm she was a lesbian and now she could call her Andrea. On the other hand, Andrea was relaxed and feeling more connected to Darcy and to the others as well after having spilled her dirty little secret.
After Darcy’s afternoon nap, they were back on the deck and Andrea was reading to Darcy when Candace showed up. Andrea saw her first. “Hello, Candace.”
Candace lowered her eyes. She looked like she hadn’t slept, she wore no makeup and she had the shakes. She reeked of cigarettes. “I got your note, Darcy.” Her voice trembled.
Darcy nodded. “Andrea, would you give us some privacy please?”
Andrea stood. “I’ll be at the other end of the deck. Call if you need me.” She slipped the paper with Karin’s number into the breast pocket of Darcy’s shirt, then gathered their things and left. She sat so she could see the two women but not hear their conversation.
Candace sank into the chair Andrea had vacated. “I’m sorry, Darcy.”
“You’re smoking again. You only do that when you’re desperate. Look at me.” Darcy waited until she raised her eyes. “I’m hurt and angry that you never told the inner circle about the accident, that you allowed me to feel abandoned by my friends and completely alone at a time when I was so vulnerable. If it wasn’t for our history, I would cut you out of my life without a minute’s hesitation.”
“I’m—”
Darcy put a hand up. “I’m not done. But we do have a history, little sister, and I’m worried about your state of mind, about your out of control drinking. Mom and Dad would never forgive me if I let you become addicted like your birth parents.” Darcy wiggled the fingers of her hand in her lap. “Now hold my hand and tell me what the fuck is going on with you?”
Candace lowered her head. “I don’t know. I feel like I’m going crazy. I don’t know what to do, where to turn. I feel all alone. I can’t eat or sleep. I wish I were dead.” She sobbed.
Darcy squeezed her hand. “I could be here for you, Candy, and our friends too, but you’ve managed to put all of us into such a rage that we’d rather you just go away. No wonder you feel alone. I think you need professional help.” She sat quietly and let Candace sob.
When Candace gained control, Darcy spoke. “Move your chair closer, I have limited flexibility so I need you to help me put my arm over your shoulder.” Candace did as asked. She sighed.
“Lucia told me what I said and did last night. I’m so sorry, Darcy.”
“I can see you’re drinking again. What about drugs?”
“No.”
“Not yet, anyway. I know you don’t want to be like your parents, Candace, but if you continue down this road, you’ll be lost to me, to Maria and Carlo and to our friends. Only you can change direction.”
Candace reached up and clutched Darcy’s fingers. “But I don’t know what to do, Darcy, I don’t know how to change direction.”
“I have the name and number of a psychotherapist who is willing to help you do that. You just have to call her.”
“Do you know this psychotherapist?”
Though she hoped Candace wouldn’t reject the therapist because Andrea recommended her, Darcy wouldn’t lie. “Andrea recommended her. I don’t know her.”
“Why would she want to help me after I’ve been so awful to her?”
“Two reasons. One she knows you’re important to me. And, two, believe it or not she sees the real you under all the histrionics and she likes you.”
Darcy said a silent prayer waiting for Candace to make the decision.
“You promise you’ll be my friend if I do this?”
Darcy kissed her temple. “I promise. If you see this therapist and stick with her, I’ll always be your friend.”
“Give me the information and I’ll call later.”
“The number is in my shirt pocket. You can sit here or move over there for some privacy but you need to call her now; she’s waiting to speak to you.”
“She knows about me?” Candace paled. “What will I say?”
“She knows you need help and even though she doesn’t work weekends, she’s willing to talk to you as a favor to Andrea. Come on, love, you can do this. I’ll be right here if you need me. Take the number.”
Candace took the slip of paper and moved to the chair Darcy had indicated. She sat for a minute without doing anything, then glanced at Darcy. Darcy smiled and tilted her head toward the phone in Candace’s hand. She dried her eyes with the back of her hand then keyed in the number. Darcy heard her say, “Dr. Simons? This is Candace Matthews.” Then Darcy waved Andrea over.
“What do you need?”
“The iPod. Please put the earbuds in and turn it on, I want to give Candace privacy.”
“Okay, call me if you need anything else.” Andrea walked back to the far side of the deck.
Candace and Dr. Simons spoke for more than an hour. During that time, various women wandered onto the deck and either Darcy or Andrea waved them away.
Candace disconnected and slipped the phone into her pocket. She moved back to the chair next to Darcy.
“So how was it?”
“Intense. But I like her. I’m getting an early ferry tomorrow morning so I can meet her at her office at one. She wants to see me every day next week and we’ll figure it out from there. I feel…hopeful. Thank you.”
“You really should thank Andrea. She set it up for you.”
Candace flushed and shifted in her seat. “How can I face her after the awful things I said?”
“She is the gentlest, most compassionate person I’ve ever met, Candy. Don’t be afraid of her. She forgave you last night. She’s sitting right over there.”
“Oh, Darce, I’m so sorry I didn’t tell the gang about the accident. I didn’t mean to hurt you, I just…I just wanted you to myself for once, then I couldn’t stand seeing you so helpless.”
“What’s done is done, Candace. You can only change what you do in the future.”
Candace nodded and wiped her eyes. “I guess I owe the gang some apologies too.”
“I want you here for dinner tonight so get them out of the way. Will it help if I’m with you?”
“I think so.”
“You’ve got me. But remember to release the brakes on the wheelchair before you start pushing. Who do you want to start with?”
Candace looked uneasy. “Are you sure the doctor will talk to me?”
“Positive. Wheel away.”
Andrea watched them approach: Darcy smiling, Candace looking frightened. She hadn’t heard her conversation with Karin but over the course of the hour-long phone conversation, she’d seen a physical change in Candace. She was happy for Darcy who she knew would be devastated if anything happened to Candace and thrilled for Candace who really needed someone like Karin to pull her out of her private hell. Candace’s voice interrupted her thoughts.
“Dr. Trapani, you must be tired of me apologizing and then insulting you again, but I am truly sorry. I was totally out of line talking about things that had nothing to do with me or the quality of care you’ve been giving Darcy. I gather I also owe you thanks for the refer
ral to Dr. Simons. I’m going to start seeing her tomorrow and hopefully you won’t have to put up with my drunken behavior anymore.”
“Please call me Andrea.” Andrea took Candace’s hand in both hers and looked her in the eye. “As I said the last time, it’s the negative impact your behavior has on Darcy’s health that I find offensive. You’re going to have to prove to me that it won’t happen again before I let go of that anger.”
Darcy cleared her throat.
Andrea continued. “But I will forgive your self-destructive drunkenness and out of control behavior, if you stick with Dr. Simons. So apology partially accepted. Thanks fully accepted. But I owe you some thanks as well. Having the Nora incident thrown in my face hurt, but it forced me to confront it rather than push it back.” She dropped Candace’s hand. “You’re on the right track with Dr. Simons. Good luck.”
Candace straightened. “Thank you for being honest, Andrea.”
“Andrea, would you tell whoever is in charge of the kitchen tonight that Candace is staying for dinner? Come on, Candace, we need to get to everyone before dinner. Push.”
Andrea did as instructed, then feeling at loose ends without Darcy, she went around to the other side of the deck where Tori and Elle were hanging out. She leaned against the railing holding a glass of wine someone had handed her, ostensibly talking, but her full attention was on tracking Darcy.
Elle suddenly hugged her. “Relax, hon, she’s fine. We’re all keeping an eye on her.”
“It’s hard to not feel…responsible.” And, maybe she felt a little jealous of the attention Darcy was paying Candace. She knew it was stupid, but still…
Elle exchanged a glance with Tori. “Yeah, responsible. Sure.”
Tori put a hand on her shoulder “Don’t worry, Andrea, Darcy has never been involved with Candace.”
She smiled at the two women and spoke softly. “You think jealous is a better word?”
Tori and Elle enclosed her in a group hug. Tori whispered in her ear. “She’s yours for the taking, pretty Andrea.”
Matters of the Heart Page 17