Peter Simple; and, The Three Cutters, Vol. 1-2
Page 10
Chapter VI
Puzzled with very common words--Mrs Trotter takes care of my wardrobe--Amatrimonial duet, ending _con strepito_.
I awoke the next morning at daylight with a noise over my head whichsounded like thunder; I found it proceeded from holystoning and washingdown the main-deck. I was very much refreshed nevertheless, and did notfeel the least sick or giddy. Mr Trotter, who had been up at fouro'clock, came down, and directed one of the marines to fetch me somewater. I washed myself on my chest, and then went on the main-deck,which they were swabbing dry. Standing by the sentry at the cabin-door,I met one of the midshipmen with whom I had been in company at the BluePosts.
"So, Master Simple, old Trotter and his faggot of a wife have got holdof you--have they?" said he. I replied, that I did not know the meaningof faggot, but that I considered Mrs Trotter a very charming woman. Atwhich he burst into a loud laugh. "Well," said he, "I'll just give you acaution. Take care, or they'll make a clean sweep. Has Mrs Trotter shownyou her ankle yet?"
"Yes," I replied, "and a very pretty one it is."
"Ah! she's at her old tricks. You had much better have joined our messat once. You're not the first greenhorn that they have plucked. Well,"said he, as he walked away, "keep the key of your own chest--that'sall."
But as Mr Trotter had warned me that the midshipmen would abuse them, Ipaid very little attention to what he said. When he left me I went onthe quarter-deck. All the sailors were busy at work, and the firstlieutenant cried out to the gunner, "Now, Mr Dispart, if you are ready,we'll breech these guns."
"Now, my lads," said the first lieutenant, "we must slue (the part thatbreeches cover) more forward." As I never heard of a gun havingbreeches, I was very anxious to see what was going on, and went up closeto the first lieutenant, who said to me, "Youngster, hand me that_monkey's tail_." I saw nothing like a _monkeys tail_, but I was sofrightened that I snatched up the first thing that I saw, which was ashort bar of iron, and it so happened that it was the very article whichhe wanted. When I gave it to him, the first lieutenant looked at me, andsaid, "So you know what a monkey's tail is already, do you? Now don'tyou ever sham stupid after that."
Thought I to myself, I'm very lucky, but if that's a monkey's tail it'sa very stiff one!
I resolved to learn the names of everything as fast as I could, that Imight be prepared; so I listened attentively to what was said; but Isoon became quite confused, and despaired of remembering anything.
"How is this to be finished off, sir?" inquired a sailor of theboatswain.
"Why, I beg leave to hint to you, sir, in the most delicate manner inthe world," replied the boatswain, "that it must be with a_double-wall_--and be d----d to you--don't you know that yet? Captainof the foretop," said he, "up on your _horses_, and take your _stirrups_up three inches."--"Ay, ay, sir." (I looked and looked, but I could seeno horses.)
"Mr Chucks," said the first lieutenant to the boatswain, "what blockshave we below--not on charge?"
"Let me see, sir, I've one _sister_, t'other we split in half the otherday, and I think I have a couple of _monkeys_ down in the store-room.--Isay, you Smith, pass that brace through the _bull's eye,_ and take the_sheepshank_ out before you come down."
And then he asked the first lieutenant whether something should not befitted with a _mouse_ or only a _Turk's head_--told him the _goose-neck_must be spread out by the armourer as soon as the forge was up. Inshort, what with _dead eyes_ and _shrouds, cats_ and _cat-blocks,dolphins_ and _dolphin-strikers, whips_ and _puddings_, I was so puzzledwith what I heard, that I was about to leave the deck in absolutedespair.
"And, Mr Chucks, recollect this afternoon that you _bleed_ all the_buoys_."
Bleed the boys, thought I, what can that be for? at all events, thesurgeon appears to be the proper person to perform that operation.
This last incomprehensible remark drove me off the deck, and I retreatedto the cock-pit, where I found Mrs Trotter. "Oh, my dear!" said she, "Iam glad you are come, as I wish to put your clothes in order. Have you alist of them--where is your key?" I replied that I had not a list, and Ihanded her the key, although I did not forget the caution of themidshipman; yet I considered that there could be no harm in her lookingover my clothes when I was present. She unlocked my chest, and pulledeverything out, and then commenced telling me what were likely to beuseful and what were not.
"Now these worsted stockings," she said, "will be very comfortable incold weather, and in the summer time these brown cotton socks will bedelightfully cool, and you have enough of each to last you till yououtgrow them; but as for these fine cotton stockings, they are of nouse--only catch the dirt when the decks are swept, and always lookuntidy. I wonder how they could be so foolish as to send them; nobodywears them on board ship nowadays. They are only fit for women--I wonderif they would fit me."
She turned her chair away, and put on one of my stockings, laughing thewhole of the time. Then she turned round to me and showed me how nicelythey fitted her. "Bless you, Mr Simple, it's well that Trotter is in thehold, he'd be so jealous--do you know what these stockings cost? Theyare of no use to you, and they fit me. I will speak to Trotter, and takethem off your hands." I replied, that I could not think of selling them,and as they were of no use to me and fitted her, I begged that she wouldaccept of the dozen pairs. At first she positively refused, but as Ipressed her, she at last consented, and I was very happy to give them toher as she was very kind to me, and I thought, with her husband, thatshe was a very charming woman.
We had beef-steaks and onions for dinner that day, but I could not bearthe smell of the onions. Mr Trotter came down very cross, because thefirst lieutenant had found fault with him. He swore that he would cutthe service--that he had only remained to oblige the captain, who saidthat he would sooner part with his right arm, and that he would demandsatisfaction of the first lieutenant as soon as he could obtain hisdischarge. Mrs Trotter did all she could to pacify him, reminded himthat he had the protection of Lord this and Sir Thomas that, who wouldsee him righted; but in vain. The first lieutenant had told him, hesaid, that he was not worth his salt, and blood only could wipe away theinsult. He drank glass of grog after glass of grog, and at each glassbecame more violent, and Mrs Trotter drank also, I observed, a greatdeal more than I thought she ought to have done; but she whispered tome, that she drank it that Trotter might not, as he would certainly betipsy. I thought this very devoted on her part; but they sat so latethat I went to bed and left them--he still drinking and vowing vengeanceagainst the first lieutenant. I had not been asleep above two or threehours when I was awakened by a great noise and quarrelling, and Idiscovered that Mr Trotter was drunk and beating his wife. Very muchshocked that such a charming woman should be beaten and ill-used, Iscrambled out of my hammock to see if I could be of any assistance, butit was dark, although they scuffled as much as before. I asked themarine, who was sentry at the gun-room door above, to bring his lantern,and was very much shocked at his replying that I had better go to bedand let them fight it out.
Shortly afterwards Mrs Trotter, who had not taken off her clothes, camefrom behind the screen. I perceived at once that the poor woman couldhardly stand; she reeled to my chest, where she sat down and cried. Ipulled on my clothes as fast as I could, and then went up to her toconsole her, but she could not speak intelligibly. After attempting invain to comfort her, she made me no answer, but staggered to my hammock,and, after several attempts, succeeded in getting into it. I cannot saythat I much liked that, but what could I do? So I finished dressingmyself, and went up on the quarter-deck.
The midshipman who had the watch was the one who had cautioned meagainst the Trotters; he was very friendly to me. "Well, Simple," saidhe, "what brings you on deck?" I told him how ill Mr Trotter had behavedto his wife, and how she had turned into my hammock.
"The cursed drunken old catamaran," cried he; "I'll go and cut her downby the head;" but I requested he would not, as she was a lady.
"A lady!" replied he; "yes, there's plenty o
f ladies of herdescription;" and then he informed me that she had many years ago beenthe mistress of a man of fortune who kept a carriage for her; but thathe grew tired of her, and had given Trotter L200 to marry her, and thatnow they did nothing but get drunk together and fight with each other.
I was very much annoyed to hear all this; but as I perceived that MrsTrotter was not sober, I began to think that what the midshipman saidwas true. "I hope," added he, "that she has not had time to wheedle youout of any of your clothes."
I told him that I had given her a dozen pairs of stockings, and had paidMr Trotter three guineas for my mess. "This must be looked to," repliedhe; "I shall speak to the first lieutenant to-morrow. In the mean time,I shall get your hammock for you. Quarter-master, keep a good look-out."He then went below, and I followed him, to see what he would do. He wentto my hammock and lowered it down at one end, so that Mrs Trotter laywith her head on the deck in a very uncomfortable position. To myastonishment, she swore at him in a dreadful manner, but refused to turnout. He was abusing her, and shaking her in the hammock, when MrTrotter, who had been roused at the noise, rushed from behind thescreen. "You villain! what are you doing with my wife?" cried he,pommelling at him as well as he could, for he was so tipsy that he couldhardly stand.
I thought the midshipman able to take care of himself, and did not wishto interfere; so I remained above, looking on--the sentry standing by mewith his lantern over the coombings of the hatchway to give light to themidshipman, and to witness the fray. Mr Trotter was soon knocked down,when all of a sudden Mrs Trotter jumped up from the hammock, and caughtthe midshipman by the hair, and pulled at him. Then the sentry thoughtright to interfere; he called out for the master-at-arms, and went downhimself to help the midshipman, who was faring badly between the two.But Mrs Trotter snatched the lantern out of his hand and smashed it allto pieces, and then we were all left in darkness, and I could not seewhat took place, although the scuffling continued. Such was the postureof affairs when the master-at-arms came up with his light. Themidshipman and sentry went up the ladder, and Mr and Mrs Trottercontinued beating each other. To this, none of them paid any attention,saying, as the sentry had said before, "Let them fight it out."
After they had fought some time, they retired behind the screen, and Ifollowed the advice of the midshipman, and got into my hammock, whichthe master-at-arms hung up again for me. I heard Mr and Mrs Trotter bothcrying and kissing each other. "Cruel, cruel, Mr Trotter," said she,blubbering.
"My life, my love, I was so jealous!" replied he.
"D--n and blast your jealousy," replied the lady; "I've two nice blackeyes for the galley to-morrow." After about an hour of kissing andscolding, they both fell asleep again.
The next morning before breakfast, the midshipman reported to the firstlieutenant the conduct of Mr Trotter and his wife. I was sent for andobliged to acknowledge that it was all true. He sent for Mr Trotter, whoreplied that he was not well, and could not come on deck. Upon which thefirst lieutenant ordered the sergeant of marines to bring him updirectly. Mr Trotter made his appearance, with one eye closed, and hisface very much scratched.
"Did not I desire you, sir," said the first lieutenant, "to introducethis young gentleman into the midshipmen's berth? instead of which youhave introduced him to that disgraceful wife of yours, and have swindledhim out of his property. I order you immediately to return the threeguineas which you received as mess-money, and also that your wife giveback the stockings which she cajoled him out of."
But then I interposed, and told the first lieutenant that the stockingshad been a free gift on my part and that, although I had been veryfoolish, yet that I considered that I could not in honour demand themback again.
"Well, youngster," replied the first lieutenant, "perhaps your ideas arecorrect, and if you wish it, I will not enforce that part of my order;but," continued he to Mr Trotter, "I desire, sir, that your wife leavethe ship immediately; and I trust that when I have reported your conductto the captain, he will serve you in the same manner. In the meantime,you will consider yourself under an arrest for drunkenness."