by J. N. Baker
“I don’t need your protection.”
“Clearly you do,” he said. “Look at you, you’re shaking, you’re so upset! This is exactly what I was trying to protect you from. This!”
Much to his displeasure, I took another step away from him. He was right, I was upset. In fact, I hated the whole goddamned situation. Ryuu, Josh, Alec—all of it. I wasn’t sure what to believe anymore. All I knew was the man I loved was alive and my “mate” knew about it. As if that wasn’t fucked up enough on its own, add in that said man I loved was working for the power-hungry maniac who had killed Ryuu and just about every other person on Earth. Fantastic.
Alec turned to William, running a hand through his messy hair. “William, you have to believe me. I thought he would die. I didn’t think any of our people would have to know he had betrayed us, all of us,” he added, his eyes finding mine.
The word “betrayed” resonated in my head—in my dead heart—until I could take no more. I turned and fled the room, running past Cody who was slumped outside the door, eavesdropping no doubt.
“Zoe, wait!” Annie called, but I kept going. I was getting good at not looking back.
When Alec finally found me in my bedroom chamber, I was staring blankly into the fire, its flames raging nearly as much as I was. I felt a kinship with those flames. We were one and the same. Both set ablaze and capable of killing.
“Get out,” I said without looking up at Alec. His breathing changed upon hearing the chill in my voice. “You lied to me for your own selfish gain. I don’t want to see your face.”
“That isn’t true,” he said. “He was the enemy, Zoe. I didn’t tell you because I thought that knowledge would destroy you.”
“That is such bullshit.” I felt his lie all the way to my bones. Then the truth slammed into me and I could hardly breathe. “You attacked Josh and left him for dead, didn’t you? And Baldric’s men found him bleeding out on the forest floor. Oh my God…”
“That’s ridiculous.”
“Is it?” I asked, rounding on him. “Is it really all that far-fetched? You see, there’s something else, something I didn’t think about until now. Josh didn’t remember me. He didn’t remember anything. So, if he was working for Baldric, as you claimed, what reason would Baldric have to wipe his memory after the fact?”
It was something that had been bothering me since leaving Cody’s room. Things just weren’t adding up.
Alec took a bold step forward and I shot him a look that made him stop dead in his tracks. The others weren’t around to protect him this time and he damn well knew it.
“I don’t know,” he finally said. “Maybe that’s part of turning into a bloodsucker.”
“Or maybe you saw the opportunity to kill him and it backfired on you. Maybe you thought if Josh was out of the picture, I would agree to be with you.”
“You can’t possibly believe that,” Alec said, stepping back as if I’d struck him. “I didn’t want to see you in pain. I couldn’t imagine how it would have felt to find out Max was working for Baldric. I would sooner wish him dead,” he added. It was not lost on me that I’d just told Cody the exact same thing.
“It would have torn me to pieces,” he continued. “I didn’t want you to know the truth that your friend had betrayed you; I knew how close you were to him. I swear to you, Zoe, I had only the best of intentions. I didn’t want to see you hurt—exactly the way you’re hurting right now. I swear it by all the love that I have for you.”
I thought over his words before turning back to the fire. Shit, did I want to believe him? “You shouldn’t have kept it from me.”
“You’re right,” Alec conceded. “But you have to know I only lied about Josh to protect you. As for the memory loss, I honestly don’t know. You’d have to talk to one of our vampires to find out. I’d suggest Godfrey. He’s our oldest. If anyone would know, it would be him.”
“Maybe I will.”
Alec was suddenly standing behind me. He carefully slid his arms around my waist, pulling me into him. He rested his chin on my shoulder, holding me as if he was afraid to lose me. Or maybe he was afraid that I’d reach over my shoulder and throw him into the fire. It wasn’t a horrible idea, but probably not the right one.
Especially since he claimed to love me so.
“All I want in this life is for you to be happy, Zoe. You have to believe I would never do anything to intentionally hurt you. I am so sorry. So very sorry for deceiving you. Please, know that my intentions were pure. I would give my life for you, Zoe. I would do anything to keep you safe, to keep you happy. I love you.”
“I know you do.” Despite everything he’d done, I knew that much at least was true.
“Use your new ability,” Alec suggested, turning me so I faced him. He placed my hand on his cheek. “Look into the past, see that I’m telling you the truth about what happened that night.”
Moisture built up in his eyes until it spilled over, tears running through my fingers. Alec was crying. Not a stray tear or two, but actual, honest-to-God crying. I pulled my hand away, shaking my head.
If he wanted me to look back then there was no possible way he was lying. Even knowing I couldn’t use my ability on command, he wouldn’t risk the slightest chance of it working and me seeing the truth. Alec wasn’t stupid. He knew if I caught him in a lie so unforgivable, I would be finished with him, the whole “mate” thing be damned. No, Alec would never risk losing my love for him like that. His tears only solidified it.
“I believe you,” I whispered, my fury melting with his real tears.
Alec pulled me into his arms, holding me tightly. “I’m so sorry, Zoe. I’m sorry that you had to find out this way. I’m sorry that he betrayed you—betrayed us all.”
I’m sorry he survived. At least, that’s what I heard. Only I wasn’t sure if the words were meant to be Alec’s…or mine.
“I would change it all if I could,” Alec continued, rubbing soothing circles into my back.
So would I, I found I wanted to say. I’d go back and make sure I never found out Josh was still alive. To forget that he was one of Baldric’s filthy bloodsuckers. To erase the feeling of utter despair when I’d realized he’d forgotten me like a discarded candy wrapper. To dampen the rage that had me wanting to rip his traitorous head off. All of it.
It’d be easier that way, easier not to know.
I knew then what I needed to do.
I flew down the hallway, Alec on my heels, searching each nook and cranny for a patch of fiery red hair. I found it standing next to James just outside the great hall. I rushed up to Annie, stepping between the two of them. Not my politest moment.
“I need your help,” I said before she had a chance to question me.
She exchanged a look with James over my shoulder and I heard him back away.
“Um, I’ll go help my brother,” he mumbled. “Catch you later, Annie.”
When he’d disappeared from sight, Annie turned her attention to me. “What is it, Zoe? What’s wrong?”
Hadn’t she been in the room with all of us earlier? Everything was wrong.
Alec placed a large hand on my shoulder and Annie’s eyes followed the action. She looked up at me and I took a deep breath, reminding myself this was my choice, not his. I wasn’t stupid. I knew he’d benefit from it and that he rather desperately wanted me to do it. Hell, it was his damn idea in the first place. But this decision was mine and I would own it fully.
I had to forget Josh.
“I’m ready,” I told her.
Annie cocked her head to the side. “Ready for what?”
“I’m ready for you to make me forget him,” I said, unable to get myself to say his name aloud. The betrayal cut too deep.
Annie’s bright eyes went from me to Alec and then back to me. She quickly grabbed me by the wrist and towed me away from him.
Are you sure this is what you want? Annie said once she thought we were out of Alec’s earshot. Not that it mattered since she was tal
king to me in my mind. She knew how much I hated when she did that. I had enough going on in my head without her joining in. Besides, it wasn’t like I could reply in the same manner.
I glanced over my shoulder to Alec whose eyes were staring down a spot on the stone wall. If only he’d done a better job of keeping Josh’s betrayal a secret. Betrayal hurt far worse than death.
Turning back to Annie, I nodded.
“This is a big deal, Zoe,” she said softly. “It isn’t one to be taken lightly.”
I nodded once more. That didn’t seem to satisfy Annie, who took my wrist in her hand once more and dragged me into the great hall, closing the door behind us. I wasn’t sure that would stop Alec from being able to hear us.
She whirled around on me. “Are you sure about this?”
“Yes,” I whispered. “I’ll never be able to move forward with this knowledge hanging over me. He betrayed me, Annie. He betrayed my trust…my love. I don’t want to remember him as a traitor. I don’t want to remember the shit he said to Alec about me. I don’t want to remember him at all,” I added, trying to keep my voice from shaking.
“But—”
I held up my hand, stopping her. “No,” I said, “there are no buts this time. I can’t keep living like this. I will never be able to move forward if I don’t let him go. It’s already made me weak. I won’t be weakened.” Holy shit, who was I sounding like? “I won’t let him distract me further. I’m going to end up getting someone killed if I don’t do this.” Possibly him.
I thought it best to leave that part out. I wasn’t ready to admit to Annie that thoughts of killing Josh had run through my head. Though, if I forgot him, I might just kill him anyway—being the enemy now and all. At least then I wouldn’t have to live with the guilt of it. He’d be just another dead bloodsucking minion of Baldric, instead of the man I thought I knew…and loved.
“Please,” I said when she didn’t respond.
Annie nodded slowly, sorrow flashing across her innocent eyes. She stepped around me, cracking open the door and calling for Alec to join us.
“Our minds, the minds of the Chosen, are much stronger than any other creature,” she said once he was in the room. “Our strength isn’t limited to physical abilities but also mental. As I told you before, Zoe, I’m not exactly sure this will work, even if you are willing. I will try my best, but I can’t promise anything. For all I know, your healing ability will repair whatever I do.
“And, even if it does work, I can’t even tell you how long the effects will last. It could last only a few moments, or a few months, or years. Any little thing can trigger a memory, causing those original thoughts to come flooding back. Erasing only goes so far.”
“Understood,” Alec said for me, wrapping a protective arm around my waist and pulling me into his side. “Have you done this before?” he asked her.
My stomach did a nervous roll. My friend was about to attempt to erase my memory. That was kind of a big deal and worthy of a just a hint of fear. Right?
Annie looked a bit uneasy which didn’t make me feel any better. “As I told Zoe before, I haven’t tried to erase yet,” she admitted. “I’ve only done some basic thought planting. It was just little things though,” she rushed to say. “Like convincing someone that they weren’t hungry after their ration of food.”
I couldn’t help but laugh at Annie’s innocence. She had the potential to convince a man that he wanted to kill his own comrade and instead she was helping to solve world hunger. She really had a heart of gold. It was sad that it would soon turn black and ugly like the rest of ours. Hopefully she could hold on to her humanity longer.
“Erasing is much harder to do,” Annie continued. “Zoe will need to be willing to let go of her memories. Hopefully age will be on our side. I doubt I could do this on someone as old as Jade.”
I knew she wasn’t referring to my human age. She was talking about the number of years I’d been one of the Chosen. I was still a baby compared to the others. Still, since my ascent, I was physically stronger and faster than the rest of them. That probably affected my mind also.
“Let’s do it,” I said, trying to sound more confident than I felt. Alec gave my waist a little squeeze, no doubt happy with my resolve.
A meow caught my attention as Mr. Whiskers made his way through the hall’s adjacent door. The scratchy little meow was quickly followed by the ghastly sound of bones cracking as the cat shifted into a familiar human form.
Cody stood buck naked in front of us and I practically heard the blood rushing to Annie’s face. He didn’t bother to cover up, he never did.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Cody snapped.
“This is no concern of yours, shift,” Alec spat, stepping in front of me. “Leave, now.”
Cody took a bold step forward. “As Zoe’s shift, you know damn well that I have every right to know what’s going on. Or have you forgotten, since your shift is dead?”
That was my cue. I quickly grabbed Cody’s arm and yanked his naked ass out of the hall before Alec ripped his head clean off.
“Calm down,” I called over my shoulder to Alec who was already following us. “Stay,” I ordered, my voice firm, and then I slammed the wooden door in his face. Annie would keep him in there. Hopefully.
“What are you doing, Zo?” Cody asked again once we were alone. “Trying to erase Josh? What the hell are you thinking, dude?” I couldn’t tell if he was angry or just hurt. Maybe a bit of both.
“I don’t have a choice, Cody.”
Cody’s eyes narrowed. “He’s making you do this, isn’t he?”
“Why does everyone think that?” I said, utterly exasperated. “Why is it so hard to believe I would make a decision like this on my own?”
“Because it’s too heartless for you.”
It felt like he’d stabbed me right in said nonexistent heart, just like a certain someone was apparently destined to do. That vision made a lot more sense now.
The fact that even Cody realized how much of a monster I’d become was crushing. He must have seen the hurt flash across my face because his eyes softened, the anger dissipating.
“Zo, I’m sorry,” he backpedaled. “I didn’t mean it.”
“Yes, you did. Otherwise you wouldn’t have said it.”
He didn’t deny it.
“And it might be true,” I continued. “It might be the most heartless thing I’ve ever done, but it’s what I have to do to survive. If you want me to keep that promise to you about sticking around, then you have to let me do this, Cody.”
He wasn’t going to let this go that easily. “You can’t just erase someone from your life like they were never there.”
“And why not?” I snapped. “That’s exactly what he did.”
“Because, it’s a coward’s move,” he shot back. “And we don’t know that.”
I clenched my jaw and took a deep breath. “Then call me a coward, I don’t give a shit. He’s alive. He’s alive and he’s the enemy. He used and betrayed me. Do you have any idea what knowing that does to me? You heard what happened, what he’s become. I can’t keep going on knowing. It’s killing me inside, more than you can possibly know. I can’t do it anymore, Cody. I have to do this.”
Cody frowned at me, the disappointment etched into his once-carefree face. I had plenty of practice disappointing William—what was one more person?
“I can’t promise I won’t slip up,” Cody finally said, “but I’ll do my best to keep your little fantasy alive.”
With that, Cody’s naked ass headed down the narrow staircase. He never looked back and, soon, neither would I.
“Is everything okay?” Annie asked as I stepped back into the great hall. Her eyes held a glimmer of hope, as if maybe Cody had talked me out of what I was about to do. She’d be disappointed too.
“Everything’s fine,” I said, taking my place at Alec’s side.
Her face fell. Annie watched me for a moment and then nodded. “Are you ready
?”
Alec took my hand in his and squeezed it gently before lifting it to his lips and placing a kiss in my palm.
I met his eyes. “I’m ready.”
“With planting thoughts or memories, I have found the other person usually feels nothing,” Annie said, drawing my attention back to her. “But I don’t know what it will be like to have a memory washed away.”
“She won’t feel any pain, will she?” Alec asked, holding me a bit tighter. His question seemed a little odd to me. We were built for pain, after all. And yet, I found myself holding my breath as I awaited her answer.
“Honestly, I don’t know,” Annie replied and I gulped. We were really crossing into the unknown on this one. I was about to get a damn lobotomy from someone who’d never done one. Awesome. “It might hurt if she fights it,” she continued. “William warned me about that. You probably shouldn’t be touching her while I’m doing it. It could interfere with her thoughts and interrupt the process. She has to really focus if this stands any chance of working.”
Reluctantly, Alec released me and put a few feet of space between us and Annie nodded her approval. I wondered if she was telling the truth or if she just wanted him to stop touching me. If she were anyone else, I’d expect it to be the latter.
Annie turned her attention back to me. “I don’t know what you’ll feel,” she reiterated. “Whatever you do, just don’t fight it. Remember, the worst that can happen is it doesn’t work—as long as you don’t fight it.”
I forced a nod and put on my big girl pants, saying, “I understand. Let’s get this over with.”
“Close your eyes,” she ordered, though her voice was still as soft and sweet as always. I could never imagine this woman leading an army. I closed my eyes and listened to her words as they came. “Now, I want you to think about the person you want to forget. Picture him in your head. Maybe put him into a memory you already have. This will give me access to that part of your mind.”
A buzzing static raced through my hair, tingling through my scalp as I thought about Josh for the last time. The static blossomed into electricity under my skin, setting my scalp on fire.