Illicit Affairs

by Dixon

  Nate dropped to his knees before her, his eyes pleading for mercy as he gazed up. “Ava, please. I…I just got you back…you said you loved me, I thought we’d—”

  “I do love you, of course I love you!” she whimpered, hating to see him so vulnerable and wishing she could drop to her knees to join him. “Your heart is the perfect storm. When I am with you, it’s chaos. The most amazing, mind-blowing chaos that sets my soul on fire and makes me feel alive. But right now, I don’t need chaos in my life. I need structure and I need to get back on track, starting with me, Nate. Can you please just try to understand?”

  “I can’t lose you again.” His voice broke as tears blinked past the barrier of his eyes and trickled down his face. “It nearly killed me, Ava. That night…that video…not knowing if you were okay or not… I…I can’t—”

  “You will never lose me,” she vowed, wiping away each of his tears as her own began dripping from her chin. “I am not saying we can never be together, but right now is not our time. Everything isn’t in place. We need time apart and need to sort out our own train wrecks before we are ready for each other.”

  “Ava… I don’t think I have it in me to wait anymore to start living my life…”

  “Then don’t wait for me…start living it on your terms,” she soothed despite the tears thickening her voice. “But I think a part of me will always be waiting for this. Have you ever heard the saying about love and lust?” When he shook his head, she gave him a small smile and said, “Lust blinds you but love lets you see. You opened my eyes, Nathaniel Brooks.”

  It took him a moment to rationalise the bomb she dropped on him after such a blissful morning. Part of him wanted to grab on to her legs like a petulant child and scream her name until his lungs burnt out. However, he knew he couldn’t be selfish and had to face the fact that she wasn’t in the same headspace as he was right now. She had her own demons to contend with and had to heal herself from the inside out first.

  His legs trembled as she pulled him up onto his feet and wrapped her little arms around his neck. “We’re really doing this then? We’re going our separate ways after everything we’ve been through these past couple of months?” he asked with a tired sigh, feeling the last thread of hope snap as Ava weakly nodded up at him. All the words crumpled into a heap inside his heart and all he could do was pull her close and bury his face into her hair. He filled his lungs with all of her, committing her to memory like the picture of them that would forever remain inside his wallet.

  Pulling back from her embrace, he watched the silver lines of heartbreak slip down her cheeks and wiped them away with his lips, tasting the salt of her sorrow on his tongue.

  “Fate has shitty timing,” Ava said, pouting up at him before nuzzling her face into his throat.

  Nate chuffed sadly through his nose as he rested his chin on top of her head and squeezed his arms around her petite frame. In that moment, he made himself a vow: one day he was going to defy fate and marry this woman.

  “Yeah, it really does, sweetheart.”

  Epilogue

  Two years later…

  Insecurities and fears are a lot like waves. If you let one overcome you, it will pull you under and drag you out to sea. However, if you decide to dive right in and surf your inner torment, you may find a new ability to breathe underwater.

  That was what Ava had spent the last two years learning: how to breathe underwater.

  She swam through her loneliness and focused on her needs rather than her wants. No more were there unfulfilling one-night stands. No more did she cry with a gin glass full of wine, and no more did she lie to the people she held dearest. She was bettering herself from the inside out and slowing finding her way back to her cornerstone in life.

  It was no easy feat. Hard conversations were conquered, all her tears had been drained, both mental and physical therapy was undergone, and it wasn’t until she was broken down into fragments that she was finally able to start rebuilding herself.

  “Sometimes ye gotta break a few eggs to make some scrambeed eggos!” Sam used to tell her and by golly was her bestie right. Now here she was, thirty years old and finally at the top of her game.

  In her chair, Ava sat with her back to the grand mahogany desk and marvelled at her daily view of London’s skyline. For an entire decade, she had watched her father admire this view and now it was her turn. It was something she would never tire of and something she would never again take for granted.

  “Coming to lunch then, bossy pants?”

  “Suzy,” Ava chuckled, her new shoulder-length waves swishing as she swivelled around in her chair to see her baby sister stand in the middle of her office. “Can you at least attempt to maintain a semi-professional rapport with me while we’re at work?”

  “Uhm…make me?” Suzy poked her tongue out before perching her bottom on the edge of Ava’s desk.

  “Well…I mean, I could always find another intern to hire as my assistant…” Ava teased, hiding a smirk behind her coffee mug and watching Suzy begin to fret. “I’m kidding! Anyway, have you finished organising the case file for the Kensington tr—?” She stopped short and frowned at the odd look her sister was giving her. “What?”

  “Sorry, it’s just a bit hard to take you seriously when you’re drinking out of a llama-shaped mug with a wonky ear…”

  “Hey, don’t talk ill of Barry!”

  “Point and case: managing partner of this firm and you call your coffee mug Barry.”

  “Shh…don’t listen to the mean intern,” Ava huffed, covering Barry’s one good ear.

  “Ava…?” Suzy sighed, waiting until Ava had finished coddling her mug and snapped out of her daydream before pointing to the door. “Lunch?”

  “So, have you heard from Dad yet?”

  “Nope, he’s too busy sunbathing and drinking Bahama Mamas on that cruise,” Ava chuckled and took a sip of strong coffee as she and Suzy sat at the nostalgic spot next to the window inside the quaint cafe. “But I did see the picture he posted on Instagram with Steph and he looks like he’s having a rare old time!”

  Stephanie was a blessing that came into her father’s life just in the nick of time. She was ages with him and they both retired at the same time. The pair had met each other at a garden centre after Steph dropped a plant pot and her father came to her aid. It was perhaps the sweetest meet-cute that Ava had ever heard.

  “You’re on Instagram now?! Bloody hell, first Facebook and now Instagram…someone’s going up in the world!” Suzy guffawed but was interrupted by Ava’s work phone loudly ringing inside an otherwise silent and tranquil cafe.

  “Bugger,” Ava hissed and quickly silenced her call despite several notifications popping up on her screen at once.

  Suzy sat smiling in admiration at her as Ava quickly replied to several emails on her phone. “I still can’t believe my big sister is running the show now.”

  “I know,” Ava sighed, turning her phone screen down as she smiled up at her little sister. “I still can’t believe it either. It feels like I’m waiting on majorly fucking something up.”

  “Don’t be silly, you won’t.” Suzy’s brows lowered as Ava shot her a dubious look. “You won’t! You’re doing amazing, you’ve already completely changed the reputation of the firm as one that serves on the side of justice and innocence rather than serving those high rollers… Sammy would be proud of you.”

  Ava’s breath hitched in her throat upon her friend’s name filling the air. Hearing Sam’s name still managed to pinch at her heart and pry apart the void she had spent two years trying to close. She was starting to realise that no amount of time could take away the pain of losing a friend; it could only numb it ever so slightly.

  Ava looked down at her watch before peering back up at her sister with a small smile. “Time to get back to work. I’ll go get the bill.” She didn’t give Suzy enough time to protest as she hurried over to the cashier, her walking aid tapping against the floor as she tried to avoid any more flatter
y or shovelling up of the past.

  It wasn’t that she hadn’t made her peace with Sam’s death, it was more to avoid the feelings associated with that turbulent time in her life. A lot of it still haunted her…certain men still haunted her every waking thought.

  Rushing towards the barista stand in such a hurry, she didn’t notice the person in front of her as her shoulder abruptly collided with theirs. A gasp left her lips as she knocked their wallet from their hands and sent copper coins scattering across the floor.

  “Fuck me!” she rudely blurted, forgetting her company and surroundings as she dropped to her knees and began picking up coins. “That was so ignorant of me for not looking!” However, as her hand picked up the brown leather wallet that was open on the floor, she noticed the folded photograph inside the clear plastic pouch. The blood rushed from her head as all of her ghosts began materialising in person as she gawked down at a picture of her and an old flame pulling funny faces inside a photo booth. That flame had left a fever inside her, and when he left, her soul had turned to winter.

  Sat upon her knees, she gingerly tilted her head up and felt the air rush from her lungs as her ghost stared at her also in disbelief. He was exactly as she remembered: chiselled jawline, full lips, and whisky irises. The only difference to him now was that his dark hair had the subtlest hint of salt and pepper peeking through and his stubble had bloomed into a full thick beard.

  “Nate…” She swallowed his name alongside the rising panic she felt.

  “Ava…” he replied, sounding a little winded as his lashes blinked in disbelief at her knelt there before him and all his pathetic brain could conjure up in that moment was, “You’ve cut your hair.” His random statement caused her to touch the ends of her blonde tips resting upon her shoulders before he shook his head from its daze. “Sorry, here,” he finally said, extending his hand to her and trying in vain to hide the flutter inside his heart as her fingers laced through his and he helped her to her feet. His stomach was in a tight knot as she stared at him, remaining eerily silent with a pale expression on her face as though she had seen a ghost. Of all the coffee shops, she was here, in this one.

  “Is this who I think it is?” Suzy cut in, passing Ava her walking stick and grinning up at the man she was with. “Mr. Brooks, right?”

  “Nate, please,” he admonished with a smile and blinked in shock with his hands raised defensively as Little Archer suddenly hugged him.

  “You’re a sight for sore eyes, Nate!” Suzy beamed and reluctantly released him as Ava tugged at the hem of her sister’s shirt.

  “Were you both just starting lunch or finishing?” he asked with hopefulness clear in his voice.

  “We’re just—” Ava began.

  “Starting lunch!” Suzy interrupted Ava and ignored her sister’s jaw-dropped expression. “But I need to go now because I forgot I left my computer unlocked but you should stay and keep Ava company!”

  A clear lie that Nate saw right through, his amusement noticeable as he licked his lips and smirked, shyly unable to meet Ava’s eye. He was glad by her flustered and useless attempts of trying to make her sister stay, musing to himself that she was like a schoolgirl avoiding speaking to their crush. “I’d love to catch up if you’d like to join me…?”

  Ava felt the fever reach her cheeks, cursing her biology that was betraying her with a cherry blossom that spread from her cheeks, down her neck, and back to the apex of her ears. With her heart pounding in her chest, she peered up at Nate and gave a meek nod of her head.

  “I’ll go get you an Earl Grey to go,” he quipped cheerfully, making his way towards the kiosk before Ava suddenly tugged on his arm.

  “Can I have a cinnamon latte instead, please?”

  “You drink coffee now?” His brows rose before creasing in confusion.

  “Well…yeah…it kind of became part and parcel with the new job title,” she mused with a flare of confidence before it blinked away in a heartbeat and her eyes fell upon her feet again as she tucked a golden curl behind her ear.

  Her sudden submissive manner drew Nate in like a bee to honey and he had to restrain himself from tilting up her chin and kissing her there and then.

  “I heard, congratulations!” Nate grinned, adoring the smitten smile she gave him. “I always knew you’d be a perfect fit for that role ever since that day you barged into my office barking about that damn coffee machine,” he chuckled.

  “I think you mean my office,” she teased as she peeked out of her shell and caused Nate to release a small chuff from his nose.

  “How is the new job going, then? That’ll be coming up to a year, right?”

  “Yes, almost a year.” Ava nodded as she sat down at a table with her hot beverage and swept her tongue across the top of the frothy cinnamon-coated cream. “It’s different. Good different. It’s odd though…”

  “How so?”

  “Well, I kind of feel like I’ve always done the job and now I just have more control over everything…but with that comes the dreaded accountability when things go wrong.” She grimaced and watched Nate laugh in agreement. “But what about you? How is the new job going? I think you’ll also be coming up a year, yeah?”

  “Yup! It’s going great actually, although, my assistant could use a kick up the ass.” He smirked but his smile dropped slightly as the melancholy saturated his eyes, the longing there for his old assistant to be by his side. “It’s actually why I’m here…they set up a new branch in London so wanted me here to run the show.”

  Ava nearly choked on her drink as she gawked up at him. “You mean you’re here for the—”

  “The foreseeable, yes,” he interrupted, staring at her and trying to figure out her thoughts from her reaction, however, she was ever the glacial fortress that gave nothing away. “How’s the leg? I see you’re still rocking the nine-inch stilettos, at least you’re finally using that damn stick!”

  “Why, of course!” She lit up at the mention of her heels but then pouted as she looked down at her stupid cane. “The leg is as good as it can be. The stick is only there for walking in these heels. It was either flat shoes and no stick or heels and stick so naturally I had to choose fashion otherwise my fashionista of an assistant would chastise me for such a crime!”

  “Oh, but of course!” Nate laughed, a genuine hearty laugh that filled the air with warmth and filled Ava with a feeling of home as she giggled with him. “I’ve missed your laugh so damn much…” he blurted and then gulped as Ava stopped laughing and watched the way he marvelled at her like a long-lost treasure.

  He saw her walls go back up again as she focussed her attention on her coffee, her palms cradling the paper cup. “Look, I gotta ask”—leaning forward he placed his hands over hers and met her gaze—“are you seeing anyone, Ava?”

  The abruptness of his forwardness left her feeling breathless and her mind foggy. Her life had only just calmed like the dust from a sandstorm settling across the dunes, but Nate was like a hurricane that brought chaos back into her life.

  “Well…it’s a bit hard to pick anyone up when you rock up to a date like an eighty-year-old with a walking stick…” She meant it quite seriously but Nate began chuckling as his thumb brushed across the back of her knuckles and sent shivers down her spine with such a simple touch.

  “So, would you be free tonight then…for dinner…with me?”

  No way was he giving up this chance to be a part of her world again, not when the universe was practically screaming at him. Why else would she bump into him on this day inside this random coffee shop thirty minutes from her office when there are thousands of them in this city. It was now or never.

  “I…I don’t know if that is such a good ide—”

  “I’m a free man,” he blurted, quickly realising that the last she knew was that he was intending on getting a divorce but couldn’t since he took pity on the difficult time Natalia was going through after losing her father. “Yeah…it was probably karma working its magic but I walked in on
Nat and my best man at her father’s funeral, so it was kind of my get-out-of-jail-free card, I suppose.”

  “Oh my gosh, that’s awful!” Ava gasped, her heart fluttering from the way he refused to remove his hands from hers, like the simplest of touch was a burning craving for them both.

  “Really, it’s fine. It was perfect timing and she’s better off with him on my yacht halfway across the world.” He shrugged, uncaring of what his ex-wife was doing with a good chunk of his money and his favourite boat, which she won through their divorce. “So, is that a yes to tonight?”

  “Nate…” Ava pulled her hands back, retreating from his embrace as she looked out of the window and onto the street outside. “We haven’t spoken for over a year and so much has changed… I’m not sure what place I’m in now but…us going back to where we were… I don’t know if that’s such a good idea.”

  “What? But you asked me to give you space. You told me to back off for a while since you were dealing with the first anniversary of Sam’s de—”

  “No, I know that…it’s just… I finally got everything back on track and everything is settled…and I just know that if you were to come back into my life that it’d be—”

  “Say no more,” he interrupted, not intending for it to sound quite as clipped as it did.

  “Nate, please I don’t mean to—”

  “Ava, honestly, it’s fine. We all heal at difference paces and I accept you’re still figuring everything out. Everyone on this earth has demons in their closet and is dragging their baggage up the mountain that is life, so honestly, I get it.”