Asunder

by Jodi Meadows

Page 32

  Author: Jodi Meadows

  “Sam!”

  He didn’t stop.

  I raced after him, steps heavy with cold and snow, and caught him just as he turned onto the road. “Sam!” Without thinking, I grabbed his arm.

  He spun, and his palm landed on my chest—

  There was no force behind the almost-blow. His muscles tensed under my hands as he must have realized who’d run after him. “Ana. ” Wind captured my name and carried it far away.

  “Where are you going?” Only faint light came from the house; I couldn’t see his face, and the cold made me shiver so hard I might fall apart.

  “I’m going to find who did this. I’m going to hurt them. ” That wasn’t his voice at all. In all the time I’d known him, he’d never sounded so broken. “They—My instruments. Everything I’ve worked for. ”

  “I know. ” Even in the dark, my hands could find his face, just as they could find piano keys without looking. “Do you know who did this?”

  He shook his head; his skin was icy under my palms, and all the rage was burning out. “I have to go. I’ll find someone. ”

  “Come inside. ”

  “I have to find—”

  “No, Sam. Not right now. ” We’d both freeze if we didn’t get in soon; already, shivers racked through me, and I could barely speak through the cold. “Let’s go inside. ”

  Head dropped, he gathered me into a tight, uncomfortable hug. He shivered, too. Or wept. I couldn’t tell, except he spoke the same muffled words over and over. “They’re gone. I can’t believe they’re gone. ”

  I had no words of comfort. There was no way to fix this, so I held still and let his grief wash over me in torrents.

  Not soon enough, we went back inside and shut the door.

  “Let’s get your coat off. ” My words hissed harsh and loud in the too-silent room. I peeled off his gloves and hat and dropped them into a basket, then helped with the buttons and zippers on his coat. Our snow-crusted shoelaces were almost impossible with the burn of ice, but we managed.

  His focus drifted to the piano as we reached the stairs, and he was silent as I guided him to his bedroom. There, he collapsed by his pillows, face streaked with sorrow.

  I sat beside him and held his hands, warming them, wishing for anything but this. His instruments hadn’t been just one lifetime’s work, but many. I wondered if that made him feel like none of those lives had happened now.

  After a minute, he leaned his head on mine. “Who would do this?” His tone was hollow, hopeless.

  I didn’t voice my suspicions. It wouldn’t help. “What do you need right now?” I grimaced. He probably needed his instruments, and for me not to ask stupid questions.

  He sighed and looked at the ceiling, misery making lines around his eyes and mouth. Cold still stained his skin red, and we both needed hot showers to warm our insides, but I couldn’t see Sam caring right now.

  “I don’t know. ” He closed his eyes when I stroked his face. His skin was cold, but he didn’t respond to my touch. “I don’t think there’s anything. ”

  “Okay. ” I’d find warmer blankets, at least. I wanted to hold him, share heat, but I couldn’t forget what he’d asked me on the doorstep. Did I want to leave? “Everything in the library and workroom is fine, including construction notes. I’ll start cleaning, but is there anything you need me to save to help you rebuild?”

  “Build new instruments?” He made it sound like the most horrible thing.

  “I assumed you’d want to. ”

  “Yeah. I guess. I hadn’t thought that far ahead. ” His breath came raspy, and I couldn’t imagine rebuilding lifetimes of instruments, either. But I didn’t want to just leave everything where it was, in case he came downstairs. “The ivory,” he said at last. “It’s from far away, and it’s hard to get more. But only if the pieces look like they’re worth gluing together. ”

  He told me a few more things, then let me help him lie down. I stacked blankets on top of him, wool and silk and bison fur, and went downstairs to heat soup and tea. When I brought them up on a tray, I forced several good sips into him before leaving the room. If I had just lost a thousand years of work, I would want to be alone, not awkwardly trying to accept someone’s comfort when there was no way they could understand the chasm inside.

  In the parlor, I picked up a few pieces of ivory, but most looked useless. Little was salvageable. Either the intruder knew exactly what to destroy, or had just decided to smash anything that looked important. Even the steel frame had been heated and melted so it would never be useful again.

  Sam’s flute was a wreck of silver. I hugged the remains to my chest, and blue petals floated out of the tube. Whoever had destroyed it had thought it was my new one. They couldn’t tell the difference.

  It was likely the instruments had been distractions, which was even more upsetting. But the books and diaries were gone. How long until they discovered Menehem’s lab? How long until they discovered I’d been there?

  The Council had suspected I’d been given Menehem’s research, but no one should have known about the temple books.

  No one should have known, but someone did.

  I worked until my muscles clenched and sleep threatened every time I blinked. Since I couldn’t move things outside right now, I set them by the door, a blanket beneath to keep from further damaging the floor.

  Too worn to go upstairs, I dropped myself onto the sofa and woke when dawn speared my eyes from a crack in the shutters.

  Outside, the snow was piled as high as my knees, and though the sun shone, more clouds huddled over the horizon, barely visible around trees and the immense city wall.

  My lungs ached as I lugged broken instruments outside; when the snow thawed, maybe Armande or Orrin would help me separate materials for recycling. But now, I just needed them out of the house. If the sight of them hurt my heart, Sam’s must be shattered.

  To keep him busy for a while, I brought up more tea and soup. The other mug and bowl were only half-empty, but that was better than nothing.

  “You should shower. ” I sat next to him on the bed. “You stink. ” As if I didn’t smell like sweat, too.

  “Doesn’t matter. ” That wasn’t Sam’s voice. At least not the Sam I knew. Too rough, shredded into black ribbons. “It’s all gone. ”

  I wanted to touch him, hug him close, but my muscles wouldn’t budge when I tried. “Finish your food and shower. I’ll come back up in a little while. ”

  Though Stef’s house was usually only a five-minute walk, it took longer in the snow, and I was shivering when I arrived. Her place had the same outbuildings and snow-frosted fruit trees as Sam’s, but was sparser, as she didn’t garden or keep animals herself but helped tend Sam’s in exchange for a share.

  I took the steps two at a time and banged on the door.

  Wind rattled evergreens, making a loose board on a shed bang in a staccato tempo. Otherwise, the place was silent, waiting for more snow.

  Either she wasn’t home, or she was avoiding me after the fight she’d had with Sam. I bit my lip and tried the doorknob. It turned.

  I’d only been in her house a few times. When it was her turn for giving me lessons, she hadn’t wanted to lug over the equipment for teaching basic machine repair; we’d started with water pumps and ended with solar panels. Mostly she went to Sam’s if they wanted to visit.

  Before I lost my nerve, I pulled open the door and stepped inside and stomped snow from my boots. Sunlight streamed through the parlor windows, glowing across the hardwood floor, landing on the small piano pressed against one wall. While Sam’s walls were delicate shelves, most of Stef’s were made of bookcases stuffed with notes and diagrams on fascinating subjects like automatic recycling machines.

  “Stef?” I slipped around the chairs and sofa, with faded, patched upholstery and blankets thrown across the backs. She had more rooms on the first floor
than Sam, most of them filled with inventions in various stages of completion. The stairs were hidden away in a corner, leading to the equally packed second story.

  Floorboards creaked under my weight. I listened for any noises other than my own—nothing—and crept around the house, finding a library, a washroom, and a bedroom. Like Sam, she was usually male, but she didn’t keep separate bedrooms for male and female incarnations. She just tossed her extra things in trunks for a lifetime, so now her bedroom was filled with dresses.

  I started to leave, but a familiar photograph caught my attention. Hating myself for the intrusion, I looked closer. The photo I’d recognized was of two men, their arms slung around each other’s shoulders, both smiling. That was Sam and Stef in their previous lifetimes. Other photos on the shelf were new to me, but I recognized some of Sam’s previous incarnations. Sometimes he was alone, but most of the time he was with another person. Stef, I assumed.

  Next to the photos rested a stack of papers: letters in Sam’s handwriting, written while he was on trips and saved up until he returned to Heart to deliver them. I skimmed only a couple of them, loathing myself as I did because they were private, but they only talked about places he was going and things he saw that she might like.

  There were a lot of them.

  The last photograph was of the Sam I knew, sly smile and dark, messy hair. I recognized the shirt, too; I’d helped him choose it during a summer market day. For a moment, I thought she must have taken it while I was trapped inside the temple. Surprising that he let her, because he hated being photographed. But his head was turned and one arm was outstretched. He held a smaller hand in his. Mine. My hand was the only part of me in the picture.

  I stepped away.

  Half of me expected Stef to appear in the hallway and demand to know what I was doing, but the house remained quiet. Feeling confused and betrayed and jealous, I left the room.

  I’d known they had history. I’d even seen photos from previous lifetimes where he was kissing someone. It bothered me, but sometimes I could imagine those Sams weren’t my Sam. Those had been older, occasionally female, sometimes overweight or too skinny. I could find pieces of my Sam in all of them, but I could trick myself when it hurt.

  She loved him. I couldn’t imagine why anyone wouldn’t. It was the intensity of her feelings I hadn’t anticipated.

  “How hurt does someone need to be to do something desperate?” I whispered, then felt sick. Stef would never hurt Sam like that. She might antagonize him, try to convince him that our relationship was improper. But she would never destroy what Sam loved most. Never.

  “I’m sorry,” I said, even though she wasn’t here to hear it. It had been a petty, jealous thought, and I scrubbed my hands over my face as though I could wipe it away.

  Time to go home. I went outside, finding sunlight had dimmed as gray clouds covered the sky, ready to drop more snow.

  I shivered with winter chill by the time I opened the door to Sam’s house again. The parlor was still a wreck, and the upstairs was quiet. Hopefully he was sleeping.

  Fending off tears, I found a large bin and continued throwing away unsalvageable pieces of Sam’s instruments. Any time the bin got heavy, I carried it outside and dumped it out with the rest.

  When I couldn’t stand any more, I climbed upstairs to shower and change into something not covered in sweat and dirt and splintered memories of a hundred broken instruments. Outside, snow fell heavy and white and wet.

  It was almost night by the time I called Stef’s SED. No answer. Nothing from Cris, either. Where could they be? Worry gnawed deeper; I tried Sarit.

  “Hey, Ana. ”

  “Thank goodness. ” I slumped to the sofa, relief like a waterfall through me. “You’re there. ”

  “Yeah, freezing my tail off. Cris didn’t answer his door yesterday morning, and there weren’t enough blue roses in the greenhouse. I’m on my way to Purple Rose to see if I can salvage any from there. You owe me. A hundred concerts, at least. Write a song for me while you’re at it, cricket. ”