by Cate Ashwood
“Sex?”
“Hand job.”
Jackson nodded. “Continue.”
“And then he crawled back to his bed. When he woke up the next morning, he didn’t remember a thing.”
“Are you sure? How could he not remember something like that?”
The way Jackson was looking at me now, like this was the most absurd thing he’d ever encountered, made the admission feel more raw—my history that was getting dished out for another person for the first time.
“Because he brought a guy home the next day—one of the guys he’d met at the party the night before. He wasn’t subtle about it either, and that’s not something he would have ever done if he’d known.”
“You’re fucking serious? He really did that?”
“Yeah, but like I said, he never would have if he’d had any idea.”
Jackson’s nostrils flared, his eyes intense. “I don’t buy it. What kind of a self-centered motherfucker does that?”
“One who has no memory of it happening? Honestly, he’s one of the most loyal and genuine people I’ve ever known. He’d never do something that would hurt me.”
“He did, though. He did hurt you.”
Jackson looked like he was going to hunt him down and kill him with his bare hands, and that reaction—the visceral rage of jealousy—should have been a complete turn-off. But it wasn’t.
Fuck, but he was hot when he was angry.
“Tell me you told him to fuck off and moved outta your dorm the next day.”
I paused, feeling like an idiot. I was an idiot. I’d pined away after a guy who’d never feel the same way about me for years. It didn’t matter that I’d moved on, or that I was over him. I was stupid for carrying that torch for so long.
“I did move out of state,” I admitted, “but it was after I graduated.”
I wondered how much detail he cared to hear about all this. It didn’t mean anything now, and it wasn’t like Jackson and I were going to be having any sort of long-term meaningful relationship, but for now, it was nice to have someone looking at me like he was, like the way Gage had made me feel—how I felt now—was the most important thing in the world.
“What ever happened to him?”
I laughed. “He’s covering my shift at the hospital so I can be here and you can fuck me senseless.”
“Uh, what?”
“Gage moved to Alaska a few years after I did. It’s a long story—there was a fallout with the company he worked for in New York… He wanted a fresh start, so he moved to Alaska.”
“Gage. Like the guy whose house we’re going to tomorrow? He moved here? To be with you?”
“Yes, that Gage, and no, not to be with me. It’s a long story, but he quit his job in New York and wanted to relocate. I told him how much I loved living in Sawyer’s Ferry, so he packed up and moved out here for a change of scenery. He met someone else a while after he got here, and it was pretty much an instant connection.”
Jackson was calculating everything out, trying to parse apart what I’d told him into some sort of cohesive narrative.
“Were you over him by then?”
“Mostly. I accepted a long time ago that nothing else would ever happen between us. If it was going to, it would have back when we slept six feet apart.”
“That still couldn’t have been easy.”
“It was and it wasn’t. I was over him, but I think I clung to it because it kept things from getting messy. Gage was my personal wall—the excuse I used to keep from letting myself get involved with anyone else. It was just easier, you know?”
Jackson nodded. “Yeah, easier to keep things simple.”
“Exactly, so he moved here, and it was good. I had my friend back, and I was mostly okay with it never being more than that.” I shrugged. “It was a little weird when Holden first showed up, though. I didn’t want Gage anymore, but it took me a while to warm up to Holden at first.”
“And this is the same Holden Prescott who’s cutting me open in a few weeks?”
I smiled wider. “That’s the one.” He didn’t look all that impressed. “Don’t worry, you’re in good hands.”
He raised one eyebrow. “Am I?”
I straddled him, pinning his shoulders against the pillows. “The best.”
Jackson
“I should have brought something nicer to wear.” I tugged at my shirt, feeling out of place even before we’d gotten out of the car. “I didn’t realize we were supposed to dress up for this.”
Logan looked drop-dead gorgeous as usual in a collared shirt and tie, and I’d been half tempted to strip him out of it and call this whole thing off before we’d left the house.
I probably should have listened to that instinct.
“You look great, and no one is going to care what you’re wearing.” He turned off the engine and turned toward me. “If you’re not having fun, we can go. Do you want to come up with a code word?”
I laughed, rolling my eyes at him. “No. I’ll be fine. I’m just not used to the whole family-holiday thing.”
Truthfully, I wasn’t entirely sure how this night was going to go. I’d met Holden once before, though I didn’t know at the time how close he and Logan were. Gage was going to be a first for me. I needed to keep my feelings about him in check, because right now, even the thought of meeting him was heating my blood.
I knew why I was so worked up over the whole thing. I knew why the idea of hanging out in the same room with Logan and the guy he used to be in love with bothered me so much. I just didn’t want to put a name to it.
It was fucking stupid, but acknowledging why I was so fucking annoyed made it more real somehow. So instead, I pushed it aside into the to-be-ignored space in my brain and unbuckled my seat belt.
It was colder than it had been the day before, and from the number of cars lined up outside the house, it looked like we were probably the last ones to arrive. At least the driveway was shoveled, but by the time we reached the front door, Logan’s teeth were chattering.
“Where the hell is your coat?” Holden asked, tsking like a disappointed mother as he ushered us inside.
“Forgot it.”
Holden shook his head.
“You remember Jackson,” Logan said.
I gave a nod in Holden’s direction. “Nice to see you again.”
“Nice to see you too. Happy Thanksgiving.” He pulled open the front hall closet. “Jackson, you can stash your coat in here, since you were smart enough to wear one, then come on in. The food is already overflowing out of the kitchen, and Gage has created some sort of drink that might melt the finish off the floors if you spill.”
“Sounds perfect,” I said, realizing too late that it might have come off as rude. I was already putting my foot in my mouth and we’d been there half a minute.
No one seemed to notice, though, and I followed Logan into the house.
It was much smaller than his place—the whole thing probably could have fit in his loft with room to spare, but it was neat and comfortable.
“What can I get you to drink?” Holden asked. “Beer? Wine? Paint stripper?”
“Paint stripper for me, please,” I said.
Logan laughed. “I’ll have wine. Red if you’ve got some.”
Holden shot him an of-course-we-fucking-have-some look and disappeared into the kitchen.
“Come on,” Logan said, grabbing my arm and tugging me in the direction of the living room. “I think Leslie and Shaun are here.”
As we stepped into the room, we could hear them deep in conversation about a patient with some pretty horrific injuries. They stopped talking when we walked in, turning to say hello with friendly smiles.
After a quick round of “Happy Thanksgivings,” Logan and I took a seat on one of the sofas. I’d met the two paramedics briefly when I’d gone with Logan to the hospital two nights earlier, but they’d been called out almost immediately, so we hadn’t had a chance for more than a few quick introductions.
“Am I the only nonmedical person here?” I asked, sitting back and trying to look relaxed. I felt anything but, but couldn’t pinpoint an exact reason. It was possible that meeting Gage would be awkward, but I’d been in a thousand awkward situations before and never felt nervous about it.
“No, Jane’s in the kitchen,” Leslie said. “She owns the pub in town, so I think the extent of her medical training is patching people up if a bar fight breaks out.”
“Right.” I’d already forgotten who was supposed to be here. “Bar fights happen a lot in her place?”
Shaun laughed. “Only when Rufus is in town.”
“What do you do, Jackson?” Leslie asked.
We spent the next few minutes doing the whole getting-to-know-you thing, and when Holden arrived with our drinks, I wondered how rude it would be to just shoot the entire thing back in one long pull. Probably very.
Instead, I sat back as Shaun launched back into the story we’d interrupted, about a patient he’d picked up the week before who’d been mauled by a bear.
“I ended up removing his spleen and part of his intestine. It was a fucking mess.” A man who I could only assume was Gage walked into the room, and immediately, I could see why Logan had fallen in love with the guy. He wasn’t as large as Logan’s friend Barrett, but he still commanded attention, just walking in the room.
“Way to gross out our guests. You know we’re eating soon, right?” Holden slipped his arms around Gage’s waist, and Gage bent to press a kiss to his temple. It was a small gesture, but so affectionate that I almost felt like a voyeur.
“Everyone here’s seen worse,” Gage said.
“Maybe not everyone.” Holden was obviously referring to me. Jane was still absent, and I was the only one who didn’t work with blood and guts.
“Oh, I’m fine. I have seen worse. I worked a job in crime scene cleanup for a few months after I got out of the army.”
“Seriously?” Leslie leaned in closer. “How was that?”
“Grosser than you’d think it’d be.”
She nodded slowly, like she knew. “Yeah, the not-so-fresh ones are pretty bad.”
“And we just have to check for a heartbeat,” Shaun added.
“I had to scoop them up.”
“Doesn’t matter what they paid you. It wasn’t enough,” Leslie said.
“That’s why I didn’t last long. Got a new job and moved on.”
“Was that here in Alaska? You live up in Belcourt, right?” Holden asked.
“No, I was living in North Carolina at the time.”
“Is that where you’re from?” Shaun asked. “I have a cousin that lives there. You probably don’t know him, though.”
I laughed, but it sounded forced to my ears. “Probably not. And no. I’ve lived all over.”
“Where’s the coolest place you’ve ever lived?” Shaun asked.
“They all kind of blend together after a while.” It was vague, but I wanted someone to switch the attention off me. I wasn’t overly comfortable sharing my past, even if I wasn’t getting into the deep dark secrets. They were just trying to be friendly, trying to get to know me, but Christ, it felt like I was sitting in the middle of an interrogation, questions coming from all sides.
“Dinner’ll be ready in a few minutes,” a woman who I assumed was Jane shouted from the doorway of the kitchen.
“Do you need any help?” Leslie called back.
“If someone wants to help me bring the food out to the table, I wouldn’t complain.”
I stood. “I got it.”
It was the perfect chance to make an exit and get out of the conversation without seeming rude. I grabbed another drink on the way into the kitchen and downed half of it when no one was looking.
“You must be Logan’s guy,” Jane said, pulling me into a hug the moment I stepped into the room. “It’s so nice to finally meet you.” I stiffened, as much at being called “Logan’s guy” as at the sudden embrace from a total stranger. She didn’t seem to notice. “I’m Jane, but you probably knew that.”
“I did. Jackson.”
“Lovely to make your acquaintance.”
“Same here.” Despite the weird introduction, I liked her immediately.
“If you can grab the turkey, that’d be great. I don’t know if Gage paid someone to make some kind of genetic hybrid between a turkey and an emu, but the thing weighs fifty pounds if it weighs an ounce.”
From the other room, I heard Logan’s voice. “Why is there a laptop set up on boxes on one of the chairs?”
I carried the bird into the dining room and set it down on the table. Logan was still staring at the computer, a confused look on his face.
“Frankie’s joining us for dinner,” Holden said, as though the explanation had been obvious.
“Over Skype,” Gage added, and I got the feeling that he’d attempted to veto this idea.
“Who’s Frankie?” I asked Jane.
“Holden’s best friend. He lives in New York. No one here has met him except Gage, but from what I hear, he’s—”
“What’s up, bitches?” Frankie’s fabulous voice floated over the computer speakers, slicing through the quiet of the house at a volume that was almost ear-splitting. “I am ready to celebrate this holiday right.”
“Are you having turkey too?” Jane asked.
“Better.” He held up a glass of something milky, the ice clinking against the side as he did. “I have pumpkin spice cocktails. Who needs food when I have the nectar of the gods?”
“Maybe what you need is an intervention,” Gage grumbled.
I wondered how Frankie fit into the picture. If I had to guess, I’d say there was some history with Frankie and Gage, too, though I couldn’t begin to guess what it was. I assumed, both because he wasn’t physically at dinner, and judging from the view out the window behind him, he was living in a big city somewhere.
“Frankie, you remember Jane, Leslie, Shaun, and Logan?” Holden picked up the laptop and moved it in a semicircle across the room. “And this is Jackson. He’s new to the group.”
“Well, hello there,” Frankie said without an ounce of subtlety. “They sure make ’em smokin’ hot in the land of ice and snow. You been holding out on me, huh?”
Holden laughed. “Logan’s been keeping him holed up until now. This is his first time hanging out with us.” Holden kept talking without letting Frankie get a word in. “I’m gonna stop you right there before the virgin jokes start pouring out of your mouth.”
“But you know there’s nothing I like better than a virgin.”
“You’re about fifteen years and half a football team too late,” I said.
The room erupted into laughter, and even Frankie was shocked. Maybe Holden had been right about the strength of those drinks because I was suddenly feeling pretty loose.
Maybe tonight wouldn’t be so bad after all.
Logan
The evening had gotten off to a stunted start. There was nothing inherently bad about it, but I could tell how uncomfortable Jackson was. I’d almost called it a night, but then Frankie had joined in and stole the spotlight, which was impressive considering his face was only the size of a laptop screen.
Still, his larger-than-life personality had eased a little of the pressure on Jackson, and between Frankie’s colorful personality and the lethal drinks Gage had mixed up, Jackson seemed much more at home by the end of dinner.
I sat across the table from him, watching him digging into his pumpkin pie, and trying to remember the last holiday we’d had here. I’d come solo, watching Gage and Holden living in this bubble of sickeningly sweet love. It had bothered me, and thinking back on it now, I couldn’t remember why.
It didn’t feel like that anymore. And when I tried to think of what it would be like to come to the next holiday, the most messed-up thing was, I had trouble imagining being there without Jackson.
We hadn’t known each other all that long—only a couple of months—but in that time, the way
I felt about, well, everything had slowly begun to change. I wasn’t the same person who’d walked into that clinic.
Being here with people who meant the world to me, and watching Jackson slip into the picture like he’d always belonged there, made my heart squeeze so tight I was worried I wouldn’t be able to take a breath. He fit here. He fit in my life, and as I watched him scraping up the last of the whipped cream from his plate, I realized that I wanted him here permanently.
Shit.
Without meaning to, I’d gone and fallen in love.
And he was leaving.
But maybe he didn’t have to.
I felt like someone had lit fireworks in my chest, but in a good way. It was as though I’d had some sort of crazy revelation, and all I could think about was telling Jackson. I had no idea what he was going to say—there’d been moments where I thought I saw my feelings reflected back at me, but then again, I could have been seeing what I wanted to see.
I didn’t have a ton of experience with shit like this. None, to be fair. I went from years of unrequited love to sleeping around with random guys I picked up. Relationships weren’t my thing, and all the problems and reasons that the both of us had decided made getting involved a bad idea were still there.
I still worked too much.
He was still leaving.
Neither of us was cut out for commitment. But maybe we were wrong about that.
Things getting complicated made everything, well, complicated. And any normal couple would ease into things. Date a while. See where it went.
But I couldn’t do that with Jackson. We were at a crossroads where we either needed to go all in or call it quits. He was either leaving or he wasn’t. And I hoped to Christ it was the latter.
We finished dessert and all piled our plates neatly in the kitchen before heading into the living room. Jackson and I took spots on the love seat again, but this time, rather than sitting perched on the edge of the cushion, he relaxed back into the pillows, his body lining up with mine.
I looked at him, his eyes a little glassy from what had been definitely one too many cocktails, but the way he stared at me, his gaze locked with mine, I felt warmth radiating through me.