by Cate Ashwood
We settled against one another as everyone else found their places, oblivious to the crazy significant moment I was having. In that instant, I could imagine all of this becoming forever—hanging out with my friends on a regular basis with Jackson as my partner. We were good together. There was something inside me that just knew it.
It was hours later before Jackson and I ended up leaving. Most of the talk centered around the hospital—it was the common thread between most of us, and as much as we hated to talk about work away from work, it always seemed to circle back.
Still, Jackson had done pretty well keeping up with the conversation. Between our nightly phone calls over the last couple of months and the few times he’d been to Sawyer’s Ferry, he was familiar with most of the major players in our stories.
As nice as it was to relax and socialize, all I could think about for the second half of the night was getting him alone. The whole I’m-in-love-with-you-please-don’t-move-away thing was probably something best left for a time when we didn’t have an audience.
“Are you okay?” Jackson asked, as I pulled into my driveway and parked the car.
“Fine,” I lied. “Why?”
“You’ve been fidgety since we left Holden’s.”
I was a fucking wreck. I didn’t do feelings well. I didn’t make declarations of love. In fact, other than my parents, I wasn’t sure I’d ever told someone I loved them. I felt seasick—on dry land. Maybe I’d caught a delayed case of norovirus.
“I’m fine,” I repeated.
We shuffled inside, and with the door closed tight behind us, Jackson followed me into the house, putting his arms around me as soon as our shoes had come off.
“I’ve been waiting to do that all night.” He hummed against my skin as he peppered kisses across my shoulder. I was turned on in a heartbeat, delirious with how much I wanted him, but I needed to tell him first. I couldn’t wait anymore.
“I want to talk to you about something.”
I might as well have dropped a bomb in the room with how quickly Jackson’s hands fell away from me. I slipped my fingers around his wrist and pulled him to the couch.
“Come sit for a second.”
I could read the wariness in his eyes as he sat down, his body angled to face me.
“What?”
I took a breath. “When I walked into that exam room the first day, there was this spark between us. I’d never felt so instantly or intensely attracted to someone.” He nodded but didn’t say anything, so I continued. “I know neither of us was looking for anything beyond a one-night thing. Hell, I almost climbed out your bedroom window two hours in.”
“I remember. I’m glad you didn’t.”
I exhaled, suddenly thinking that this might turn out better than I thought; the possibility that Jackson was on the same page as me shone within reach.
“Me too. Because this thing, whatever is happening between us, it wasn’t something I’d planned for. It just kind of came out of nowhere, and somewhere along the way, things evolved.”
“Evolved.” He repeated it as though he’d never heard the word before, and I knew that this was the turning point. What happened next would be it. Either he felt the same way I did, or he didn’t.
“I don’t want you to leave.”
“I could stay a few extra days. I have two full weeks before my next shift.”
I shook my head and leaned forward. “No. I mean I don’t want you to go to Santa Fe. I want you to stay here. With me.”
“Stay.” A beat passed. “With you.”
“Yes.” My chest was going to explode. “I’m falling in love with you, and I’ve never felt like this before. I never meant for it to happen, but it did, and now the thought of you leaving… If there’s anything I can say that will make you reconsider, I’ll say it.”
Several long minutes slipped by, and with each of them, my body grew more tense. I’d experienced more stress than the average person in my lifetime, but this moment ranked right up there with the worst of them.
“Logan.” His voice was soft, gentle, and over the past few months, I’d gotten to know him well enough that before he said anything else, I knew what his answer would be.
“Okay.” I wanted to shut the conversation down, pretend I’d never said anything, but this had changed everything, and now the last few weeks I did have with him would be tainted—that was, if I had them at all.
“I thought we felt the same way about this. I have to go. I’m not meant to stay in one place forever. It’s not how I’m built. I was never made for long-term and settling down.”
“I understand.”
“It’s just… We talked about this. We were on the same page about everything. We both wanted to keep things casual. Neither of us wanted strings. You knew, right from the first day I was leaving, that I wasn’t looking for anything permanent. I thought you felt the same way.”
“I thought I did too. Things change, though, right?”
“Some things.”
Jackson frowned, and I nodded. I felt like my stomach had been torn out of my body, and it was my fault. I was the one who’d gone and tried to change the rules. I should have kept my fucking mouth shut, but I hadn’t.
“You can honestly tell me you didn’t feel something change? This isn’t a one-night stand, Jackson.”
“I know it isn’t, and yeah, I felt it too.” He paused. “But it doesn’t change any of the facts.”
“It changes everything,” I protested. I wasn’t sure at what point this would cross over from passionate to pathetic. “We made the rules in the first place—we can make new ones.”
“We both made the rules, but you’re the one changing them. I can’t do this, Logan. I can’t just flip my life upside down for a guy. My job on the rig is done as of the end of next month. My house is for sale. I have a new job lined up, plans in place for moving.”
“All that can be changed.”
“But I don’t want to change it.”
“You want to leave,” I clarified, aware that at this point, the conversation was verging into masochism territory.
“Yes.”
There wasn’t an ounce of hesitation in his voice. That single word had been spoken with such utter conviction that it felt like a physical blow.
“So, then, what? We just go back to pretending we don’t have feelings for each other?” I didn’t know if that was even possible. I’d had a hard enough time keeping everything contained before I’d told him I was in love with him. I’d spent years pretending not to love my best friend. I didn’t want to do it anymore, but I wasn’t ready to lose him. I was grasping at smoke, trying to hold on to something solid that had never been solid in the first place.
“I don’t know. I don’t know if that’s going to work.” He pushed a hand through his hair as he stood, his voice softening. “I should go.”
I rose to my feet. “You can’t.”
“Logan, please don’t make this harder than it has to be.” He looked so fucking hurt, and it tore my heart out. What the hell had I done?
“I mean you can’t go. You’ve been drinking. I’ll go.”
“Where are you gonna go? It’s after midnight.”
A twisted part of me jumped at the sound of genuine concern in his voice, but even if it was there, so what? He’d made his position clear.
“The hospital. There are beds in the on-call room.”
I stood frozen, not sure what the fuck I was supposed to do. I’d never had a breakup like this with someone. I’d never been the one to walk out after having my heart macerated to a pulp. There should have been some final gesture, some resolution to whatever it was we’d had. But kissing him goodbye felt wrong. A handshake would have been worse.
So instead, I just turned and walked to the front door, pulled my boots on, and left.
Jackson
I stood in Logan’s living room, feeling like I’d been sucker punched.
This was not how I’d expected the evening to go. A
fter the initial awkwardness at Holden’s place, with the help of Gage’s masters in mixology, I’d loosened up and began to relax. The more time I spent with Logan, watching him interact with the people in his life, the more in awe I became of him.
I’d never known anyone like him. He was genuine and kind, and when his friends were around him, you could actually see the love and respect they had for him written all over their faces. While it was an incredible sight, it also highlighted how different we were. Our upbringings had been worlds apart. The choices we’d made, the opportunities given to us, the paths we’d led were opposite, and those experiences had led to two very different lives—lives that fit together in one way but were out of place in every other.
The door had clicked shut long ago, and I was still standing in shock. Logan had been right. I wasn’t in any shape to be driving, but the idea of spending the night in Logan’s bed, with or without him made me feel nauseated.
Instead, I walked to the kitchen and grabbed the coffee grounds, adding double to the machine before turning it on. It took forever, and I stood like a zombie, trying not to look at anything. There were memories carved into every surface of this place. Logan and I hadn’t been together long, but we’d compiled a massive list of experiences while we were.
Flashes of being with him flew through my head, as though my brain was punishing me for choosing to walk away. Maybe it was cowardly, but even now, feeling the weight of my decision bearing down on me, I was convinced it had been the right one.
What could have possibly happened if I’d stayed? I wasn’t meant to be in a relationship, so inevitably—weeks, months, maybe a year or two if the stars aligned—things would fall apart, and I’d end up on a plane out of Alaska anyway, only the heartbreak and fallout would destroy us both.
After chugging back two cups of bitter coffee, I wasn’t any closer to sobering up. I grabbed the blanket from the back of the chair in the corner and lay down on the couch, my head resting on a velvet-covered pillow, and closed my eyes. I just needed to sleep off a little of the liquor, and then I could get the fuck out of there.
Two days had passed, and I was going fucking nuts. After getting home from Sawyer’s Ferry, I’d called into work and picked up an overtime shift the following day, thinking I needed to get the fuck out of my house, needed to be anywhere but the place where Logan and I had started. But working wasn’t doing anything to take my mind off things. Standing on a platform, with no one but myself for company, was just making me crazier, and so when I went on break, I grabbed my phone and shot off a text to Ollie, Spence, and Witt. I had a response before my fifteen was up.
Six hours later, we’d piled into my truck—saying fuck it to the driving schedule, much to Witt’s dismay—and were on our way to Juneau for a spur-of-the-moment road trip. Witt called ahead to the hotel to secure us a room, and once he’d hung up, I blasted the music loud enough to shake the windshield.
If any of the guys complained, I couldn’t hear them.
I needed to get Logan out of my system, needed to fuck someone else, erase the memory of him, or I was going to go out of my mind. I knew things would get better with time, and definitely easier with distance. There was just over a month left until I boarded the plane and shipped out of Belcourt.
New Mexico was a brand-new fucking start, and I couldn’t wait.
The bar was advertising a happy hour, and when we arrived, a few hours earlier than usual, it was packed. I stepped around the woman half blocking the door with her oversized purse and went directly to the bar. There were no tables, and likely wouldn’t be for a while, but I wasn’t there to sit back and relax anyway.
“Whatever you’ve got on tap and a double shot of whiskey.”
Spence and Ollie ordered the same, while Witt chose to stick with the Alaskan Iced Tea, proving that either he wasn’t as smart as we thought, or he wasn’t capable of learning from his mistakes. Either way, I could almost guarantee he was going to be puking blue before the night was up.
Too bad for him I wasn’t going to be there to hold his hair and rub his back this time around. I was finding someone to go home with if it killed me.
The bartender delivered our drinks, and I threw back the shot, then immediately got to work scouting out the bar. There were a couple of good possibilities, two guys who were giving off all the right vibes and, thank all that was holy, looked nothing like Logan. Lean and twinky, I was almost certain they had arrived together but weren’t together. If I played my cards right, though, maybe I could convince them both to spend the evening with me.
“I’m out, guys,” I said, tossing a nod in the direction of my friends. “I’ll meet you back at my truck in the morning.”
I didn’t wait for a response before walking over to introduce myself.
“Having a good trip?” I asked.
They both turned to look at me, and I knew immediately my suspicions about their sexualities had been right on the fucking nose. There was interest written all over both faces, the way their eyes raked over my body, and the twin looks they shot each other that anyone could have read from a mile away.
“How do you know we’re not locals?”
“Because all the locals hang out in this bar, and if I’d seen either of you before, I sure as hell would have remembered.”
The shorter man squeaked out a giggle. “I’m Sammy. This is Ryan.”
“Jackson,” There was a good chance that five minutes from now I wouldn’t remember their names. It didn’t matter. I wasn’t exactly looking to develop a deep, personal connection with them.
“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Jackson.” Ryan’s words were dripping with so much innuendo, I was surprised there wasn’t a puddle on the floor at his feet.
“So, Jackson,” Sammy started, “are you a local, then?”
“To Alaska, yes. Juneau, no. I live and work in a little town a couple of hours away.”
“Oh yeah? And what do you do for fun in that little town?”
I leaned in closer. “I come here to find my fun.”
Sammy’s giggle was back, but this time Ryan joined in too, like what I’d said could have been featured in a stand-up act. I knew then that I could have asked either of them for anything, and there was a good chance I’d get it.
“Are you two sticking around for the night, or do you have to head back to the ship?” I asked.
Ryan opened his mouth to answer when I heard a crash from the other side of the bar. I turned to see Witt on the floor, surrounded by broken glass.
“What the fuck?” Sammy and Ryan momentarily forgotten, I was halfway across the bar before I managed to piece together what was happening. A huge guy was standing over Witt, and Spence and Ollie were on their way.
“You think you can put your fucking hands on me?” the man spat, his booted foot flying forward, catching Witt in the ribs.
“She said…,” he sobbed. “She said no.”
A girl, maybe twenty-two, stood with her back against the wall, crying hard enough that she could barely catch her breath. Three other women gathered around her, their body language protective, and it didn’t take a fucking genius to piece together what had gone down.
I’d seen enough to know that this guy was going to come to regret what he’d done, and he was going to regret it soon. I grabbed him and shoved him forward, knowing this wasn’t going to end well. I needed to get him away from Witt, and the front door was right fucking there.
He stumbled, then turned toward me, his eyes narrowed and intense with rage. “Get your fucking hands off me,” the man shouted, but I was already moving with forward momentum, shoving him back toward the exit. “I already laid your friend out for fucking touching me. You wanna be next?”
“Outside,” I growled.
“You’re really fucking stupid,” he said, turning toward the door, and when I laughed, it bordered on maniacal.
This guy had no goddamn clue who he was messing with. He had a couple of inches on me, and probably thirty or
forty pounds, but he was about to get slaughtered in the parking lot.
The door slammed shut behind us, and then it was just me and him. Adrenaline shot through me, my hands clenching into fists as I stalked toward him. I’d come to the bar to fuck, but fighting was just as good, and this guy had it coming.
Sammy and Ryan were going to need to take a rain check because I had new plans for my night.
Logan
“You’re here again?” Dawn looked up from the chart she was reviewing, concern etched into her features. “How many days in a row has it been?”
I shrugged. “Not that many.” She didn’t look convinced but didn’t comment further. “Diana wasn’t feeling well, so I sent her home. It’s too soon for her to be working as much as she’s been. She’s still healing.”
“It’s been months,” Nadia said. “And she’s been doctoring longer than you have. She probably knows how much she can handle.”
“And she was more than happy to go home.” I sighed. “Look, I get that you’re concerned, but I’m fine. It’s a short day today, only four procedures, and then I’ll head home.”
Truthfully, I had no plans of leaving. Work was the only thing that was keeping my mind off every other aspect of my life, and work was where my head should have been this whole time.
If I could have gone back and changed things, called the end on Jackson after the first night, kept my head focused on surgeries instead of chasing some nonexistent relationship I’d fabricated out of thin air, I wouldn’t be trying so desperately to think about anything but him right now.
Throwing myself into patient care was the only saving grace.
So, I grabbed a stack of charts to look over until I needed to scrub in for surgery. I sat down at my desk, and a few minutes later, my office door opened. Gage stood in the doorway, and my heart dropped.
“Can I help you?”
He stepped into the room. “Nope. You can go the hell home.”