by K. G. Reuss
“He’s not, so it’s a pointless thought,” I sighed.
He moved to sit beside me. “The dead never leave us. Countless faces of the dead haunt me whenever I close my eyes. I’ve taken hundreds of lives in the name of what I believe in.”
“I-I’m sorry,” I choked out, feeling horrified.
“Don’t be. We fight in your name. We bleed in your name. We kill in your name. Prince Niall will do all those things in your name. Do you not understand what I’m saying?”
“No,” I whispered, my stomach twisted into knots at the thought of Kellin getting hurt, or worse, dying.
“You’re not fighting for the right side, Princess. You’re hung up on someone who’s a ghost. A memory. That memory will bring you no comfort and will only weaken you in the coming days. It’s time you choose which side you’re really on. The living or the dead. The choice is yours. Choose wisely because I only fight for one side, and I don’t want that to be in vain.”
“I… you’re right,” I breathed out, wiping at a tear. “I need to let him go, but I’m bound to him. I sometimes wonder if I were unbound if that would help ease all the pain. We’re trying to find a way, but Zaros’s line ended with Xalvador and Calix—”
“And you need the blood of one of them to break the binding because you were meant for the other.” Tarek nodded knowingly.
“Altera,” I scoffed. “That’s who I’m looking for. Do you know if there was a third brother?”
“No,” Tarek answered. “There were only the two—Xalvador and Calixto.”
“And both are dead,” I whispered in defeat. If I couldn’t be unbound then this nightmare may never end. Or it might become worse. Detaching myself from Calix would be painful but so was holding on. It was a double-edged sword that kept wounding me, making my heart bleed for what could never be.
“Like I said, the dead never leave us.” Tarek raised an eyebrow at me, and I frowned as I stared up at him. He seemed to want to say more, and I definitely wanted to know more, but the sound of Kellin’s voice interrupted us.
“Ana,” Kellin cut in.
Tarek rose to his feet.
“What’s wrong?” Kellin looked quickly between me and Tarek.
“Nothing. I-I just needed a moment,” I stammered, forcing a smile onto my face, Tarek’s words bouncing around in my head.
He was right. I was fighting on a side that was doing me no good. I needed to let go of Calix. I weakened as I realized I couldn’t. Not yet. Tarek knew something more. He was always so coy, demanding to be asked instead of being free with any of his knowledge. It was one of the things I hated about him. This seemed to open the door for further conversation, a conversation I intended on having with him in the very near future.
“Leave us,” Kellin said firmly.
Tarek cast me one last look before disappearing into the gardens. I rose awkwardly to my feet and wrung my hands nervously as Kellin approached me.
“I was worried about you. Soran told me about yesterday.”
“I’m fine,” I replied, smoothing my ball gown.
“Then will you return to the party with me? Soran was asking for you.”
“Yes,” I said, forcing a smile onto my face.
Kellin beamed down at me as I laced my arm through his, and we walked back to where my brother waited.
“There you are.” Soran shouted, coming to my side. “My sweet, baby sister.” He pulled me into a big hug and squeezed me.
“Ugh, Soran. You’re crushing me,” I gasped.
He laughed and released me. I realized Soran had drunk a lot of wine and was clearly feeling it.
“Drink with me. My best friend is going to become my brother. This is the best birthday gift I could’ve asked for,” Soran exclaimed, tipping his glass back and draining it.
Kellin cast me a sidelong glance, and I rolled my eyes. His lips tipped up into a tiny smirk.
“And what do you think, Niall? Is my sister not the perfect woman for you? She’s gorgeous, for one thing. Not to mention she could probably easily beat you on the battlefield. She is so much better than what’s her—”
“She’s absolutely perfect and the most beautiful woman I have ever set eyes on,” Kellin interrupted Soran quickly, looking at me for my reaction.
I frowned, wondering what the rest of Soran’s sentence was going to be. Assuming he was talking about Courtney, I decided to disregard it and took the goblet of wine Soran thrust at me and drank it down quickly.
“And she can drink you under the table,” Soran whooped, refilling my glass then pushing a goblet into Kellin’s hand.
Kellin drank it down, his eyes dancing with merriment as he watched Soran dance around, filling everyone’s wine glasses.
“He’s really exuberant when he’s drunk.” Kellin chuckled as I watched my brother laugh and drink.
“That he is.” I smirked and finished my wine. When I looked around, I saw my parents had retired for the evening. That would explain why Soran was probably so wasted. Our father wasn’t scrutinizing his every move.
Soran came by again and refilled our glasses. By midnight, I was just as tipsy as he was, if not more so. I giggled and danced, feeling free for the first time since I’d woken up in Winterset.
“The wine here is divine.” I giggled, grabbing Kellin’s hands. “Oh, my gosh. I just rhymed.”
“It’s Roseberry Wine,” Kellin informed me, chuckling. “It’s quite potent.”
“Why isn’t it working on you?” I asked, leaning against him.
“Trust me, it is.”
We laughed loudly and drank down another glass. I mingled with our guests, smiling at their words and laughing when appropriate. They all seemed to adore me. Suddenly, it hit me that I might let them down. I didn’t want that. They were good people. They were my people, and they deserved every effort I could give them. The thoughts were fleeting as I sipped more wine.
I let out a contented sigh. My eyes were heavy after many hours of dancing and celebrating.
“It’s too bad I can’t always feel this way,” I said, looking up to the moon.
“You can,” Kellin argued. “All you need to do is let go.”
I didn’t reply. Instead, I lay my head against his shoulder and closed my eyes. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and gave me a gentle squeeze.
“Are you tired, Ana?” Kellin asked softly after a moment of silence.
“Mm, yes,” I answered sleepily. “I want to go to sleep.”
“I can escort you to your chambers if you’d like,” he offered.
I nodded, and he helped me to my feet, his arm winding around my waist and steadying me.
“Where are you going?” Soran asked, stopping us.
“Analia is tired. I’m going to take her to her room,” Kellin replied. “I’ll come back down once she’s settled.”
“Good, because you know there’s nothing like a midnight hunt,” Soran stated, a glimmer in his eyes.
“Oh, God.” Kellin rolled his blue eyes and shook his head. “Are you serious? Do you not remember the last time we did a midnight hunt in the Barrows?”
“I won’t get lost this time,” Soran promised solemnly.
“Right.” Kellin grinned, pulling me away. “We’ll see about that.”
“What’s the Barrows?” I asked sleepily as we made our way to my chambers.
“It’s this nasty marsh area just south of the castle walls. It smells terrible there. Soran chased a wild boar into there once, and he ended up lost for over four hours. When he finally came out, he was covered in swamp muck. It seriously smelled like something died on him, and it took the better half of a week to wear off.”
“Did he get the boar?” I asked, stumbling a bit on the stairs.
Kellin steadied me before answering. “He did. Soran is a damn good hunter and an even better warrior,” Kellin replied proudly.
“He’s a good brother and friend,” I murmured, my eyes getting heavier by the second.
�
��He is,” Kellin agreed, opening my chamber doors. He went to the lanterns and quickly lit them, casting the room in a soft glow.
The full moon streamed in through the open balcony windows, and I smiled. At least I wouldn’t be in the pitch black. I hated that aspect of Winterset. The lack of modern electricity really made me appreciate what I’d had before.
“Will you help me with this dress?” I asked, struggling as I tried to undo the corset ribbons in the back.
Kellin stepped wordlessly behind me, his hands trembling, and untied the corset. The dress loosened, and I let out a sigh of relief. The designers had me stuffed in that thing. I snatched my chamber robe and stumbled behind the folding dressing screen. With clumsy hands, I changed out of the dress. When I came back around, Kellin was standing out on the balcony staring up at the moon. I walked out to him and rested against the stone railing beside him.
“It’s beautiful, the moon.” He gestured up to it. “I haven’t seen a moon like this in a long time.”
“It is beautiful,” I agreed, gazing up at the large orb which hung in the night sky. It appeared larger than Earth Realm’s moon and was brighter. There was a pretty hint of purple to its white light. “I’m glad it’s not red.”
“Red?” Kellin frowned. “There’s never been a red moon in Winterset.”
“Really?” I asked, intrigued. “Never?”
“Never,” Kellin stated.
“What would a red moon mean?”
“Well, if there ever was a red moon, it would be a blood moon. If you read the old texts, they claim a red moon only comes when the harbinger of fire comes—” Kellin’s eyes widened, and he turned to stare open mouthed at me. “What have you seen?”
“N-nothing. I don’t know,” I stammered, trying to recall any details on the red moon I’d seen in my visions.
Fire.
Lots of fire.
Me on fire.
I swallowed hard.
“Ana,” Kellin breathed, reaching for me. “Tell me. Please.”
“Fire,” I whispered. “Lots of fire. Me.”
“You?” He paled, his sapphire eyes alit with fear. “You were on fire?”
“I am the fire,” I said softly, awareness hitting me hard, making the room spin. “The Wind. Earth. Water. Void. Incaendium.”
Kellin caught me before I hit the ground, his strong arms wrapping tightly around me as I struggled to keep it together.
I was the flame.
Chapter 26
We were together, the moon still streaming into the room, Kellin’s arms still wrapped around me tightly, only now we were lying on my bed. I gazed at him as he slept, his dark lashes fanned across his cheeks, his breathing deep and even. He’d dozed off almost as soon as we’d laid down. He was gorgeous and so peaceful as he lay there. My heart ached for him—for what I wished I could give him but knew that I couldn’t. Not yet.
“Hey,” he murmured, his eyelids fluttering.
“Hey,” I replied, embarrassed at being caught watching him. “Sorry if I woke you.”
“No, don’t be,” he replied softly, gazing at me, his eyes wavering in the moonlight. “How are you feeling?”
“I’m OK,” I lied, my heart racing in my chest. How could I tell him that I felt like my world was crumbling down on me, that I wanted to give him everything, but I still loved my dead boyfriend? It was sick. I was sick. Gregor was right—a broken heart was a sickness. One that was killing me and infecting everyone around me.
“Don’t lie to me, Ana,” Kellin said, sitting up on his elbow and staring down at me. “Please, don’t ever lie to me.”
“I’m scared,” I admitted. “I’m scared I’m going to doom Winterset, not save it. I’m scared of the visions and what they mean. I saw what I become. Incaendium. I’m whatever that is.” I gestured between us. “I’m scare of-of this.”
“First things first. You are not going to doom Winterset. You aren’t fighting this battle alone, Ana. We’re all here with and for you,” Kellin said firmly. “And even if Calix somehow comes back from the Void, if he somehow gets you, I believe in my heart that you have far too much light to let the darkness take over. I believe in you, and I believe we’re in charge of our destinies. You have the choice, Ana. You’ll always have the choice in what you become. I trust you. I trust in you. As far as this—” He gestured between us like I had. “—don’t worry about it. It’s probably the one thing you don’t need to worry about. We’ll go slow. I told you, I understand. I know you’re hurting. I won’t push you, Ana.”
“You’re too good to me, Kellin,” I said wistfully. “After everything—”
“Shush.” He shook his head. “None of that.”
I stopped talking and peered up at him, wondering what he was thinking.
“If we’re being honest,” he started, fingering a loose string on my chamber robes. “I wasn’t that great to you. I haven’t been.”
“Kell—”
“No, Ana. You need to hear this. I don’t want there to be lies or secrets between us. I hate that there are. I’m going to marry you,” he said evenly, sure of his words.
I swallowed thickly, not wanting to tell him it wasn’t going to happen, because I might not ever be over Calix, no matter how much time had passed. Or I may find altera and nothing between me and Kellin would matter after that, especially if it meant saving Winterset, if it meant saving him and my family.
“That night in the woods… when we kissed? It was the best moment of my life. I was afraid, though. Afraid that you wouldn’t want me when I told you the truth about us. God, I was an idiot. If I’d just been honest with you then perhaps you’d love me. You’d be mine because you wanted to, not because you’re being forced into it. I was forced in the beginning. I was afraid. It wasn’t easy tearing myself a-away from what I had before. I spent years rebelling against the truth. Hell, I was even with Courtney. It wasn’t right, and I messed up big time. Then I realized all the little things about you I loved. It took seeing the parts to make me realize I love all of you. I tried to maintain the role I was playing, but it was so hard, especially when I saw other guys talking about you. I-I did something bad, Ana.”
“What did you do?” I asked, my heart thrumming nervously in my chest.
“You were always alone. You never went out except for that one time. It was my fault.”
“Your fault?” I asked, bewildered. “How was it your fault?”
“I sort of persuaded the guys to not ask you after I learned who liked you. I was a selfish jerk.”
“Wait. I didn’t have a date because you compelled people to avoid me?” I asked, my voice rising.
“I did.” He winced, ducking his head. “I’m sorry. You went out one time with that guy, and I didn’t stop it. I tried to let go. To let you choose, but I couldn’t. It was then that I realized how much I cared for you. So, I-I compelled Courtney to steal him from you. I’m so sorry.”
“Wow.” I laughed, shaking my head. “I was so lonely in high school. All I had was Mel to keep me company. She kept telling me it was because I was unapproachable when really you were the one making it impossible.”
“Ana, please, try to understand where I was coming from.”
“Kellin, I think I do understand, and that’s what’s so funny.” I chuckled again.
“You’re not angry with me?”
“No,” I admitted. “I’m not. I wish I’d have just been braver then, you know?”
“What do you mean? You’re one of the bravest people I know.” He frowned, studying my face.
“I can’t believe I’m saying this to you. And almost sober, at that. I had this huge crush on you forever.” I bit my lip and looked at him through hooded lashes, my cheeks heating. “I mean, I guess I told you that before, but I always wished I had the courage to just ask you out. Or that you’d ask me out. I don’t know. Guess we missed our chance, huh?”
“Missed our chance?” Kellin laughed. “No way. This is our chance, Ana. You just ha
ve to take it.”
“And what if I’m scared? What if it’s not meant to be?”
“Don’t you think I’m not scared?” he asked softly, his blue eyes intense. “I’m afraid I’m not good enough. That you won’t feel the same way I do. That you’ll tell me to shove it. That I’ll-I’ll never compare to him.”
“Kellin,” I breathed out, but he shook his head at me.
“No, Ana. I don’t need to hear it. I promised I’d go slow, and I will. We will get there. As for whether we’re meant to be or not, I don’t have the answer to that. All I know is that right here, right now, we are together. Past these next few moments, I know nothing except that I’ll try my heart out for you.”
“Kiss me, Kellin,” I whispered, throwing caution to the wind, wanting to feel something besides grief and pain. Perhaps it wasn’t my best idea, but we were engaged. One step at a time, like my mother had said. And God, I wanted the heartache to go away.
“Ana?” he asked uncertainly.
“Please,” I murmured. “I-I have to try. I promised I would, and this is the first step, right?”
He didn’t say anything. Instead, he looked at me, his impossibly blue eyes filled with a mixture of emotions, a storm of conflict. He leaned in slowly, uncertainly. His mouth met mine in the softest, most tender of ways. His lips were light and warm, and he lifted his hand to cradle my face gently. It was sweet and wonderful. A smattering of butterflies converged in my stomach, fluttering and making me feel something. Even if my heart felt dead, the rest of my body seemed to still be alive and responsive to his touch.
Kellin’s mouth lingered on mine for the briefest of moments before he pulled away, his eyes sweeping my face, clearly gauging my reaction. I licked my lips, tasting him on me, guilt washing over me.
“Hey,” he whispered, brushing my hair aside. “It’s OK, Ana. It’s going to be OK.”
Tears sprung to my eyes. He reached forward and pulled me into his strong arms, holding me and rocking me as I tried to work through all the crashing emotions. I missed Calix so much it hurt me to my very core. I knew he was gone. He gave me my life because he wanted me to live. And this was my life, but I wasn’t doing much living. I was simply existing, going through the motions, and for what? I was wasting what he’d given me. If that wasn’t an awful way to repay someone then I didn’t know what was.