The Silent Suspect

by Nell Pattison

  He nodded, but let me continue.

  I have thought about it a lot, all week, I told him. I’ve thought about the pros and cons of both sides, until I could barely sleep. But I think right now, the fairest thing is for me to say no. I’m sorry, I’m not ready to move in with you.

  Max sat back against the sofa cushions and ran a hand through his hair. Why? he signed, without looking at me.

  I’m not ready for that sort of life change yet, I told him. I like things the way they are. I like having my own flat and my independence.

  He looked anguished. I would never take away your independence. Why would you say something like that?

  If I lived with you it would be different, I told him. Our lives would be different, and our relationship would change.

  In a good way! Don’t you want to spend more time with me? He leant forward, his elbows on his knees. Paige, I love you. I want to wake up with you every morning. I want to see you every evening, and ask how your day went. I want us to plan holidays together – we’ve never even been away for a weekend together.

  Exactly, I pointed out. So moving in together would be too big a step right now.

  Max shook his head again, exasperated. That’s not what I’m saying. You’re always stalling, Paige. Whenever I try to suggest we go away, there’s a reason why you can’t, or don’t want to. He looked me in the eyes. Don’t you want a serious relationship, Paige? Don’t you want to live with the person you love, maybe even get married, have children? Have a life together?

  I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t tell him that there had been many times when I’d imagined having that in my life, and I knew there was a big part of me that wanted it. But I’d never been able to see that happening with Max. But if I didn’t want it with Max, should I even be with him at all?

  As these thoughts bounced around my mind, my hesitation must have given Max a clue.

  Shit, he signed, standing up and walking over to the other side of the room. Shit, shit, shit. Are we breaking up? Is that what’s happening?

  I hesitated again, and that was all the answer he needed. What the hell, Paige? I thought you loved me? I thought we loved each other?

  Standing up, I approached him but he backed away from me. Is there someone else?

  No, you know I’d never do that to you, I told him, hurt that he’d even ask. I didn’t intend to come here and break up with you. I paused, trying to gather my thoughts. But if I don’t feel ready to move in with you, and can’t see that sort of a future for us, maybe you’re better off without me.

  Don’t you dare do that, he said, pointing a finger at me. Don’t you dare suggest you’re doing this because it’s the best thing for me. It’s not what I want. None of this is what I want. I want you to move in with me and spend the rest of your life with me, but that’s obviously not going to happen.

  He buried his face in his hands, his shoulders trembling. Tears sprang into my eyes and I wanted to wrap my arms around him, but I knew it wouldn’t be welcome. I waited until he looked up at me again, a complex mixture of anger, hurt and confusion in his eyes.

  I’m sorry, I signed. I don’t want to hurt you. It felt empty, but what else could I say?

  He shook his head. Just go.

  Swallowing hard, I did as he asked, but once I was in my car I rested my head on the steering wheel and sobbed.

  Chapter 18

  I wasn’t known for my exceptional cooking skills, but my speciality was my lasagne, and by the time Anna got home I had one ready to go in the oven. One of the ingredients for the sauce was red wine, and whilst a generous slug had gone in the pan while I was cooking, the majority had gone in me. My sister saw my glass and reached for the bottle to pour herself some and raised an eyebrow when she saw it was nearly gone.

  You started early, she joked.

  I’d told myself I’d keep it together when she arrived home, and tell her matter-of-factly that I’d broken up with Max but didn’t want to talk about it. Of course, as soon as she looked at me my face crumpled and I burst into tears. She wrapped her arms around me and let me sob; every time I tried to lift my hands up to tell her what had happened they shook too much for me to sign clearly.

  Is it Max? she asked.

  I nodded.

  You told him you didn’t want to move in with him?

  I nodded again.

  And he broke up with you?

  This set off more tears. No, I signed eventually. I broke up with him. When I went there I wasn’t sure exactly what I wanted; I just knew I didn’t want to take that step yet. But then, when I was there, it seemed so obvious, because I don’t think I ever want that serious a relationship with Max.

  Anna brushed my hair away from my face and kissed my forehead, like our mum used to do when we were young.

  I know it hurts, but it sounds like you did the right thing. It wouldn’t be fair to him to carry on in a relationship if you didn’t want to commit to him.

  But what if there’s something wrong with me? I asked her. What if I’m damaged from my relationship with Mike, and I’ll never be able to commit to anyone? Maybe I should have just pushed through, given it a go. I could move in with him and see what happens.

  Your relationship with Mike has affected you, of course it has, but you’re not damaged. He controlled you, Paige, and now that you’re free to make decisions for yourself it’s going to seem strange. Anna squeezed me tight for a moment, then stepped back and looked at me. I don’t know what’s going on in your head at the moment, but I don’t think you can make any decisions right now. You’ve got too many emotions fighting for attention, and I don’t think you’ll be able to make a rational decision. She nodded at my phone sitting on the table. Do you want me to delete his number, then you’re not tempted to call him?

  I shook my head. No, it’s fine. I paused for a minute. Do you think I’ve made a mistake? I asked, searching her face for signs of what she was thinking.

  Slowly, she shook her head. I don’t know, Paige. I’ve thought you haven’t been happy for a few months now. Well … She paused. I didn’t think you were unhappy, exactly. I just thought maybe your relationship with Max had run its course. The gym membership thing wasn’t the only time he’s got it completely wrong – he kept pushing you to go away for a weekend when you didn’t want to, and don’t forget the massage voucher. She gave me a look with raised eyebrows and I gave a little laugh. I hated massages, wasn’t comfortable with strangers touching me, but Max had given me the voucher for Christmas anyway. He’d insisted it would be relaxing and I’d enjoy it eventually. I’d given the voucher to Anna.

  So I did the right thing?

  Only you can answer that, she told me, squeezing my hand. And you’re clearly not in a fit state to do that right now.

  Why would I be this upset if it’s the right thing to do though? I asked her, staring into my glass of wine.

  Oh, Paige. She gave me another hug. You’re upset because you’re not a robot. Max is hurt, and you don’t want to be the person who causes another human being to be upset. Plus, it’s bound to be emotional, making such a big decision about your life, and change is scary.

  I nodded, trying to believe her. I’d been telling myself the same things since I left his flat, but I hadn’t managed to convince myself.

  I care about Max a lot, I told her. I enjoyed spending time with him, but I don’t think I want anything more. I think I just want to be friends, but he won’t want anything to do with me now.

  Anna got up. Right. We’re putting this lasagne in the oven, because I’m starving, and you need something to soak up the wine. Then we’re going to open another bottle, you can tell me exactly what happened and how you feel, but you’re not allowed to ask me any more if you did the right thing. Deal?

  Deal, I agreed, opening the oven while she reached for the corkscrew.

  By the time we’d eaten, another bottle of red wine was empty, and I’d poured my heart out to Anna. I felt surprisingly lighter after sharing it
with her, and I was glad I hadn’t been able to keep it to myself as I’d originally intended. One eye had been on my phone the whole time, but there were no calls or texts from Max. He would be too proud to try calling me so soon.

  Should I call him? I asked Anna. I want to know how he’s doing.

  She shook her head. I don’t think it would be a good idea just yet. You’re both going to be very emotional, and neither of you want to say anything you don’t mean.

  I nodded. I know you’re right. I just feel terrible.

  That’s natural, she said, but that doesn’t mean it’s the right thing to do. He has other friends who will support him right now; if you call him it’ll only confuse both of you. Sit on it for a couple of days then see how you feel. She spread her palms. Maybe after a few days you’ll decide you want to try again, or maybe you’ll realise it was definitely the right decision. Either way, if you call him now you risk having a knee-jerk reaction that could make things worse.

  I stood up and took her plate, thinking about what she’d said as I stacked the dishwasher. Anna took the remains of the bottle of wine and our glasses through to the living room, where I joined her a few minutes later, sinking down onto the floor in front of the sofa.

  You’re really tense, she told me. I can see it in your shoulders.

  There’s a lot going on, I told her. It’s not just Max; it’s work as well.

  The house fire? she asked. I thought the police must have ruled it an accident.

  I shook my head. It’s a murder investigation.

  Her eyes widened, but to her credit she didn’t ask me for any more details.

  It’s a confusing situation, I told her, wanting to share without giving her too much information. They’ve arrested someone, but I don’t think he did it. I don’t even know this guy very well, but Sasha’s convinced me he’s innocent and we need to help him.

  Why don’t you think he did it? Anna asked.

  He told me he didn’t do it, before he was arrested, and he was telling the truth. I’m sure of it.

  She seemed to be choosing her words carefully before she replied. Do you think it’s because you’ve worked for the police before?

  What do you mean?

  Well … She paused. Being involved with the police as an interpreter, maybe you’ve started thinking a bit like one of them, if you see what I mean.

  I frowned. I’m not trying to be a detective, Anna. Just because I’ve been involved in a couple of cases doesn’t mean I think I know better than them. Her words smarted, especially because they echoed what Forest had been saying about me.

  What does Singh think? she asked, and I wondered if this was connected or if she was changing the subject.

  I thought for a moment. I really don’t know. I think he’s not sure about Lukas’s guilt, but he’s not convinced there’s any evidence to point towards another suspect either.

  Well, you can help him find it, she replied, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

  I didn’t reply straight away. What could I say? I knew I shouldn’t be getting involved, but I’d been talking to people and sticking my nose in, exactly what Singh had warned me against.

  Maybe I should just leave it, I told her. You’re right, I’m getting carried away because I like having a mystery to solve. Maybe there isn’t a mystery this time, and I’m just looking for something that isn’t there.

  She nodded, obviously satisfied with my answer.

  Have you told Gem about Max? she asked. Gem was my oldest friend – she was the only deaf person in her family and I was the only hearing one in mine, and when we were children our respective families took us to the Deaf club in Scunthorpe. Opposites attracted, and we’d been close ever since.

  Not yet. I wanted to tell you first. I didn’t tell her that telling my friends my relationship was over almost felt like admitting failure, as if my inability to maintain a stable relationship was a character flaw. In reality, this was rubbish, because a couple of my friends were happily single, including Gem herself, but I judged myself in the way I expected other people to judge me. But telling people also meant accepting it myself and I didn’t know if I was ready for that.

  Go on, you should tell her, Anna told me. She’ll want to take you out.

  That’s the last thing I want right now, I replied, but she was right, so I spent the next ten minutes texting my friends to tell them what had happened, then another fifteen fielding their replies and assuring them all I was okay.

  When Anna went to bed, I spent some time toying with the idea of calling Max, but I knew she was right and it wasn’t the right time. My mind drifted to my conversations with Singh and Paul earlier that day. The more people I talked to, the more complicated the case seemed to be. I remembered I’d never actually asked Paul about the relationship between Caroline and Nadia, so made a note to find out more about them and how well they’d got on. I thought it was important to find out more about these thefts too, and see if it really had been Nadia.

  I sat in the living room for ages, rereading my notebook, looking for a pattern to jump out at me, but nothing came. Giving up, I went to bed but tossed and turned for ages, struggling to sleep as everything whirred round in my head, until finally the exhaustion won.

  Three hours before the fire

  Lukas closed the front door carefully and took off his shoes and jacket. He knew Nadia didn’t like him tracking dirt from outside into the house. She had tried to train him out of a lot of his bad habits in the time they’d been together, not that he thought there was anything wrong with half of the stuff she was bothered by. He knew if she weren’t there he’d be straight back to his old ways and it wouldn’t do him any harm. Right now, though, he wasn’t in the mood for being nagged yet again, so it was easiest just to do what she wanted. He thought he knew Nadia inside and out, but ever since she’d been accused of taking things from her clients he wondered if there was a different side to her he hadn’t realised was there. Paul insisted he thought she was innocent, but Lukas didn’t know what to think.

  He was relieved to see the house was empty, apart from Nadia. The people who had been hanging around for the last couple of days had frightened him, and he knew Nadia hated having them there. But he also knew they had him backed into a corner – he couldn’t get rid of them without exposing himself and his family to more danger, and he wouldn’t do that.

  There was a delicious smell wafting from the kitchen, so he poked his head around the door to see what Nadia was cooking. She was standing over the hob, stirring a large pot of some sort of stew or soup, and the steam coming off it had made the hair around her face go a little frizzy. So engrossed in what she was doing, she didn’t notice Lukas, so he took the time to look at his wife for a moment and appreciate her. She was dressed very nicely, in something more low cut than she usually wore, he noticed, and he wondered if she had plans to go out this evening, or if she’d just put on something she knew he’d like.

  He crept up behind her and put a hand on her hip, startling her. When she turned round and smiled at him, he thought he saw a glimmer of sadness in her eyes, but it quickly disappeared. She put down the wooden spoon she was holding, and turned to wrap her arms around him, holding him tightly.

  When they separated, he smiled at her. What was that for?

  Can’t I greet my husband when he comes home from work?

  He leant forward and kissed her, pleased that she was in a good mood with him for once. Of course. How was your day?

  Fine, she replied, turning back to the pot of stew. When she didn’t add anything else he frowned. Nadia always told him about her day, in the smallest detail, and it was usually boring as hell. The fact that she didn’t today made him wonder why.

  Is something wrong? he asked, moving around to her side so she could see him. He knew she’d been furious with him recently, blaming him for the way their lives had been invaded.

  No, I’m just tired, she told him with another smile.

  She did
look worn out, he realised, and for a moment he was reminded of those first few months when Caroline was pregnant with Mariusz. She couldn’t be, could she? No, he didn’t think so. They weren’t too old to think about it, though, and he’d been considering broaching the subject soon.

  It occupied his mind all through their meal, and he knew he must seem distracted. Once they’d both finished eating, he put his fork down by the side of his plate and looked at Nadia. She was truly beautiful, and she was so caring, even if that did sometimes manifest itself as nagging. She would be a good mother, he knew.

  Would you like to have children? he asked her directly, needing to express the thoughts that had been filling his mind. Perhaps it was something they should have discussed before they got married, but it had been a bit of a whirlwind.

  She frowned. I would. But we can’t afford a baby right now, not with our debts.

  Lukas’s heart sank. That debt would be hanging over them for the rest of their lives if he wasn’t careful.

  I will sort out the money, he told her firmly. You were right about Roy. I should never have taken his money. I’ll find a way to repay him, then we can have a family of our own. Mariusz can be a big brother.

  He’d be a wonderful brother, she replied, her expression wistful, but then she shook her head. We can’t think about that at the moment. Whatever made you suggest it?

  I thought it might be something you want, he said.

  I did, but I don’t want to think about things that can’t happen.

  Lukas bristled slightly. You don’t believe me, do you? I said I would sort out the money, and I will.

  Nadia sighed and stood up, reaching over to collect his plate. Before she could pick it up, Lukas grabbed her wrist.

  Answer me.

  ‘Let go of me!’ she shouted, taking him by surprise, so he did as she asked. He saw her eyes flash with a mixture of fear and anger before she turned away from him, grabbed the plates and stalked into the kitchen without giving him the satisfaction of a response.