Church Group

by Michael Brightside

  * * *

  Monica threw us both out the following morning, muttering something about never wanting to see Al again. If there was a lesson to be learnt from his breakup with Louise he definitely hadn’t learnt it.

  I don’t remember how we got home. What I do remember though is how I felt. Like the world I knew was spinning beneath me. At first I’d held on with hands and fingers; now fingertips and cracking nails were all that stopped me being thrown off into space. I was barely keeping it together, navigating a world of lies and madness. What should have been a cocky eighteen year old, with intentions of changing the world, had become the opposite. I’d deteriorated, crumbled, a skinny gaunt husk of a young man. I wanted to curl up in a ball and die.

  Things didn’t get any better when my brother Dean caught me sneaking in the garage.

  “Where’ve you been Lu?” he asked. “We haven’t seen you since Boxing Day.”

  I contemplated what he was asking. I didn’t even know how long ago Boxing Day was.

  “Just with Al,” I said. “Round some bird’s place, having a drink.”

  “What for all that time?”

  “Guess so Dean,” I said, barely an idea of what I was saying, let alone whether it was true or made sense. “What are you doing up so early?”

  “I fell asleep at eight last night so woke up earlier than normal this morning. Probably a good thing, get in a routine again before I go back to school.”

  He was fifteen now so when he went back in January would be preparing for doing his exams this year. I thought about the implications of Dean being this impressionable age and the effect it might have on him if the older brother he possibly looked up to was a useless druggie.

  “Gotta make sure you do well in those exams Dean, think about your future,” I said, trying to be grown-up but acutely aware that part of me wasn’t even sure if my brother was an actual person or not. His face didn’t look real, like there wasn’t enough detail to it. As I stared at him more closely the detail slowly came back.

  “What?”

  “You know, Dean. These are the most important years of your life, what you do now will set out the way the rest of your life goes.”

  “What are you talking about Lu? You didn’t take your exams seriously, because they’re not important are they?”

  “I was young then Dean.” I tried to imagine what an older brother who hadn’t spent at least the last three days pissed out of their head and eating magic mushrooms might say. “Now I’m older, I realise how important it is to get an education and a good job.”

  “Oh OK, Dad. So what’s wrong with your job?”

  “It’s shit Dean. It’s just a shit job for people who didn’t do well in school.”

  “You get every weekend off and you’ve got money to go down the pub haven’t you?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Well what’s wrong with that?”

  “Nothing’s wrong with that, not at the moment. But there will come a time when we’ll want houses and families and that’s when you need a proper job.”

  “What so you’re gonna want kids and a family and a mortgage one day?”

  I thought it over before I answered. Would I want to carry on doing this every weekend and feeling like shit for days on end, or would I want to have kids and a family one day? I was pretty sure I couldn’t spend the rest of my life living like this, and if I did then the rest of my life probably wouldn’t be as long as it could be. But then at least I’d be enjoying what life I had. The alternative, as the man at the head of a household, at my young age, sounded even worse.

  “Maybe not me Dean. But I don’t think like everybody else, do I?”

  “What the fuck makes you think I do?”

  That was it. The first hint that there was every chance Dean would go down exactly the same route as me when he left school in less than a year’s time. Was it my fault? If it was, then whose fault was it that I’d ended up like this? I’d never had an older brother with footsteps to follow in. What if Dean turned out to be as bad as me; what if he was worse? Maybe that was my fault as well. Maybe I was just a bad egg. The thought of what I’d done to Dean made me run into the garage and throw up. Luckily I hadn’t thrown up in front of him, though that might have helped him see this life for what it really was.

  I had two choices really, give it all up or get better at hiding it. As I tortured myself over the conversation I’d just had, I had a moment of clarity. I’d have done anything to stop Dean from going down the same path I had. My family probably would have done anything they could to stop me continuing down the path I was already on.

  Just the Four of Us, In the Company of the Ice Cold Night

  February 2002.

  The quickest way to get to Rick’s to pick up was to drive straight into Carlton itself; past the police station and the town centre, then come out towards Great Carlton where you found his council estate. With the car full of drugs, the return journey was best taken on the quieter back roads where we’d be left alone; through Hemford, Thrope and finally back to Kirk-Leigh where we could either stay, or continue on to James’s or Club Z.

  As we crested a hill in the road I saw the first curious glow of the glass structures in the distance.

  “Fuck going back to yours James, I’ve had enough of your flat. Let’s go and see what all that light is, it seems like we’ve been talking about it forever,” Kyle said, as we all gazed at the massive greenhouses. In the distance they shined enticingly.

  “You sure dude? We’ve only just picked up, if we get busted now we’ve got enough for it to be intent to supply,” James replied.

  I wanted something different too. We’d all necked a pill as soon as I’d brought them back to the car and I was at that perfectly curious stage of coming up. “Yeah let’s do it,” I said. “Everyone drop another pill and I’ll take the weed, just put the rest of the pills in a CD case and leave it somewhere away from the car. If we get busted they’ll find the weed on me and think that’s it.”

  “Al?” Kyle asked.

  “Yeah cool with me. I wouldn’t mind finding out what’s in there,” he replied.

  We stopped in a lay-by a hundred yards down the road. Despite none of us being in a right state of mind, we still knew it would be too obvious to park outside. Just the four of us, in the company of the ice cold night. Oh and the biggest, brightest, most alluring sight I’d ever seen. I was itching to get in.

  We sneaked in through gaps between hedging that stood as tall as trees. On the other side before you could get to the greenhouses, were assorted outbuildings; spread out resembling an urban warfare training ground. Sporadically placed floodlights made taking a direct path impossible. We ran instead from one bit of shaded cover to the next; with Kyle on point, keeping low to the ground and pulling in tight against the cold shadow of the walls every time we stopped. He would have made a soldier proud.

  Finally reaching the first of our target buildings, Kyle flung open the rattly glass door and we were in. And everything changed. The air was warm and still; not quite hot, but it felt hot to February bones. Blinding light rained down from endless rows of powerful lights that hung from above. We went off in different directions, let loose, fuelled by the warmth that radiated through us. Running up and down perfectly straight lines of identical plants that filled the greenhouses, spreading out as far as they could. It smelt of heat, of green, of childhood summertime; like skipping the end of winter and all of spring. I couldn’t remember the last time I felt like this.

  We’d become as close as it is possible for a group of friends to be. We had explored together. Looked after each other when we were at our most vulnerable. We meant everything to each other. Yet in some ways we had grown to hate each other. Too many nights in the same flat, sitting in the same chairs, only ever talking to the person next to you because the music was so loud, was eating away at the bonds between us. Tonight though we were good- the air was new and the place was fresh.

  I smiled when I bump
ed into James as he turned at the end of a row of plants; running towards me with both arms wide, hands touching the parallel lines of leaves. Then Kyle appeared and hugged us both from behind.

  “You got the weed Lu?” Kyle asked. I nodded. “Who’s up for a spliff?”

  “Good plan,” James said.

  “Too right,” I added.

  “Al bruv!” Kyle shouted into the forbidden building. “We’re having a spliff, do you want some?”

  James and I smiled at each other and then 0.2 seconds later Al appeared in front of us.

  “Where is it?”

  “What?” Kyle said.

  “The spliff.”

  “I haven’t rolled it yet.”

  “I thought you’d already rolled it. I want to carry on looking around, I think there are more of these greenhouses.”

  “I’ll come with you Al,” James said. “Save us a twos for when we get back, we’ll tell you if we find anything.”

  Kyle and I sat down next to one another. I unwrapped the weed while he stuck a couple of cigarette papers together. James and Al disappeared off into the night.

  “How you feeling Lu?”

  “Good mate, coming up pretty hard in here with all this light,” I replied. “What about you?”

  “Buzzing hard, reminds me of when we started doing it. Do you remember? That first time round James’s? The feeling we had?”

  “Don’t mate, I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately, that first buzz, when we didn’t know what to expect. It’s not the same now.”

  “It’s not the same is it?”

  “It’s not like, bad or anything. I just feel like I’m getting used to it. We keep having to do more each time, to try and get the same buzz; I think we’re building up a tolerance to the ecstasy. We’ve been doing this nearly every weekend for two years.”

  Kyle looked straight at me through his fake Ray-Bans. “Yeah or the pills are shit now. I reckon that’s what it is.”

  I sat almost touching close to him, our minds connected. “What are we gonna do mate, just carry on doing this forever?”

  “We’re not going to do it forever are we,” Kyle said, passing me the spliff.

  I took a deep drag and looked around at the jungle we were in. Somewhere between the chemicals and the conversation I’d become lost.

  “So when are we going to stop? When it stops doing anything to us or when we finally don’t want to do it?”

  “Either, Lu. You’ll know when it’s time to stop, but you don’t stop when you’re having a good time do you?”

  I took another big drag on the spliff and got blurred weed and ecstasy vision. Pinhead sized flecks of light sparkled in the air. “I’m having a fucking good time mate.”

  He laughed, “I’ve been trying to get hold of some mushrooms for us. I want to try them, after what you were telling me about when you and Al did them.”

  “Fucking mental they are mate, dunno about getting on them again,” I said as I recalled that day in my head.

  “Are you saying you wouldn’t do them again then? If I manage to get hold of some.”

  I thought about it for a moment; whether I could handle seeing what I’d witnessed last time again. Then the drugs already in my system helped me make my mind up.

  “Maybe mate. Everyone should be able to make space in their life for rainbow coloured ceilings and talking dogs.”

  I was really beginning to feel comfortable, it was easy when the buzz felt as good as this. I couldn’t remember the last time he’d talked about Louise. It looked like he was finally over her. He was back to just being happy Kyle again and I was glad.

  “If you squint your eyes it’s like being in a tropical rainforest,” he said.

  I tried and he was right. “It’s hot enough to be a tropical rainforest.”

  “You know you can tell me anything bruv?” Kyle asked.

  “Yeah.”

  “You should have told me.”

  “Told you what?”

  “About Al and Louise.”

  Fuck.

  “What abou-”

  “Don’t pretend you don’t know,” he interrupted me. “I know you know.”

  I felt my heart start to beat faster as the little bubble I’d been in popped. I couldn’t make Kyle’s expression out through the shades hiding his eyes, but I knew my pupils that had been as wide as saucers must have dilated with fear. He was a big bloke Kyle, fuck knows what he was going to do next.

  “H-how do you know?”

  “Wanton’s a small place. News doesn’t take long to get about there.”

  “How did people find out?”

  “Probably when they saw the two of them drinking together in the pub,” he said. “I knew he would have told you about it, you two go back years together.”

  “He didn’t tell me mate, it slipped out.”

  “Did it slip out? Or did he tell you on purpose?”

  Thinking about it I suppose I didn’t know; and maybe I never would. Al might not even have known why he’d told me.

  “Have you spoken to Al about it?” I suddenly remembered he was here too. I didn’t want Kyle to decide to get it all out in the open tonight.

  “I didn’t see the point, if I bring it up he’s only going to think I want to fight him over it. Anyway we’d already split up so she was free to do what she wanted.”

  “So you’re not pissed off?”

  “Yeah I’m pissed off, Al took me for a mug. One minute he’s trying to consol me over the breakup, the next he’s round there with her. It’s not worth falling out over though, he’s suffering now anyway.”

  “What about with me?”

  “I was mate. You could have told me, I had a right to know. I can kind of see why you didn’t though. Both ways you were betraying a mate. I don’t know what I would’ve done if it was me.”

  “So are you gonna tell him?” I asked.

  “No Lu it’s not something I want to do, I was hoping you would. Not tonight though, there’s no point ruining a good night.”

  “Of course I will mate.” I tried not to think about how badly that conversation could have gone, instead focusing on how good it was that he felt close enough to me to let me off like that. Then I began to feel guilty. All this time Al had been my best mate and everyone knew it. James and Kyle were never going to be as close to me as I was to Al. They hadn’t grown up with me like he had, and that wasn’t fair on them; we were all the same now. Everything had changed since that first night we shared those tablets, it was like the start of a second life.

  “I love you mate,” I said.

  “Sometimes all you have is love,” Kyle replied.

  I turned to look straight at him. “And maybe that’s enough.”