Silent Night

by Emma Couette

  I whirl around, ducking his fist and slamming my foot into his ribcage this time.

  He groans, but pauses only briefly. Not a complete idiot then.

  I pull a knife, but he still has his sword out and he favours it now over his knuckles.

  We spar back and forth with minimal effort on my part. I’m toying with him at this point. It’s been a while since I’ve taught a pervert a lesson.

  Then our blades lock and I strain against him. He’s stronger, but I’m smarter. I know just how to angle the blade to minimize the effort.

  I’m about to give a final shove when I hear Ajax yelling for me.

  “Indigo! Indigo!”

  Oh, Guild. Is he hurt? I swear if he…

  I hesitate for only a second, but it’s enough.

  My assailant shoves my blade to the side hard enough that I let go, leaving me exposed, and then his leg sweeps mine out from under me. I hit the floor of the Cavern for the second time in less than five minutes.

  Shit.

  The man drags me to my feet by my wrists, holding tight enough that struggle is futile. Before I can crush his other foot, he rests a long serrated blade against my throat.

  “That’s right, little lady,” he croons, “the game is up.” The fingers of his free hand stroke my cheek and I flinch. “We wouldn’t want to harm your pretty face, now would we?”

  My knees tremble. I want to reach for another knife, but I know it wouldn’t be wise.

  Assassins below. I don’t know how I’m going to get out of this one.

  The man holding me brings his mouth to my ear and a shiver goes down my spine as he whispers into it. It’s not a pleasant one. “We’re going to have lots of fun, you and me.”

  Oh, please. Please.

  Then I hear the sound of a gun cocking, a loud click near my other ear.

  What now?

  “Let the lady go, you bastard, if you know what’s good for you.”

  Ajax. It’s his gun.

  The man behind me flinches.

  Oh Guild, oh Guild, oh Guild...

  “Jax, no,” I whisper softly.

  “See,” my captor says, “you hear what she said? She doesn’t want you to shoot me. She wants to stay.”

  “No,” Ajax replies, “she doesn’t want me to get hurt. There’s a difference.” Then in a softer voice he adds, “It’s okay, Silent. I’ve got this.”

  I try to focus on breathing in and out.

  “Drop the knife,” Ajax says, “or I will shoot.”

  “Shoot me and I’ll slit her throat on the way out.”

  “You won’t have the time or brains for that. I’m holding a gun to your head, so drop the knife before I blow it up!”

  Ajax’s voice is loud, angry, and underneath it all, I realize, scared. He doesn’t want to kill this man. It’s okay, because I’m not going to make him.

  The guy, distracted by the gun to his head, never sees me coming.

  I reach slowly for a dagger and then, quick as a lick, I bury the blade in the man’s side and tear.

  He cries out and drops his knife, hand going to the long gash I ripped open. “Bitch,” he spits out as I jump away from him.

  I sway a little and Ajax catches my arm, pulling me to him.

  “You’re dead, bitch. You hear me? Dead!”

  “Whatever,” I say, shrugging. “I’m not the one bleeding out on the floor.” I turn to Ajax. “Come on, let’s get out of here.”

  “Agreed,” Ajax replies and we leave the Grand Cavern without a second glance at the two bodies we left behind. They’ll be joined by more as the day progresses.

  It takes everything in me to not full on sprint to my old room. I drag Ajax by the hand behind me. When we get there, I slam the door, grab the key from the bedpost, and lock it. Then I stand, half bent over, panting, in front of it.

  Ajax flops down on the bed, launching a layer of dust into the air. “Holy Gods above,” he breathes. “What happened back there? That guy... He was going to kill you or...or rape you. Or both. I was going to shoot him in the head. How did you...?” He looks over at me and fear flashes through his eyes. “You’re bleeding.”

  I touch my neck. “It’s nothing.”

  “No, it isn’t. Sit down; let me see it.”

  “I don’t...”

  “Now.”

  I sigh and drag my feet over to the bed. I sit down beside him and he tilts my chin up to look at my neck. I shiver at his touch.

  This I like.

  “It’s not deep,” he says, “you don’t need stitches, but it’s going to be tender for a while.”

  “I’m well aware,” I reply. “You think this is the worst I’ve had?”

  He gives me a tired look. “Not in the slightest, Silent, but I’m trying to be a gentleman here.”

  “Sorry,” I say, “I’m still a bit shaken up. That…” I shudder. “That was a close call back there and I’ve never been worried about it before, but now... I’m not ready to die yet.”

  He smiles at me but then it fades. “Is it always like that in there?”

  I nod. “It’s like that throughout the base. We’re bloodthirsty creatures. I’ve never been attacked like that before, but I don’t think those men knew who I was. I wasn’t about to tell them and ruin the mission either, though it might’ve been worth it to see the looks on their faces.” I try to grin, but my heart isn’t in it.

  “Yeah.” His voice changes and he looks down at his feet.

  “What’s wrong?” I ask him.

  “Nothing.”

  I give him a look he doesn’t see. “Jax...”

  “Fine,” he relents. “I’m ashamed of myself. How I let myself lose sight of you, how I managed to find a way to save you but couldn’t pull the damn trigger.” He wrings his hands to keep from making fists. “I failed you.”

  “No, you didn’t,” I say, taking his hand in mine. His body tenses. “You did everything you could. Your distraction was enough for me to slip through his fingers.” I don’t mention that he was the one who distracted me first. It’s in the past now. I shouldn’t have let myself be distracted. “Besides,” I go on, “I don’t expect you to become a killer to save me. I’m not worth it.”

  He looks up. “Don’t say that. You are so worth it.”

  I raise an eyebrow. “How do you figure that?”

  “Silent, every single person in this world is worth something. Not everybody can see that worth. Not everybody see yours, but I do. You’re worth it to me.”

  I want so desperately to accept his answer, but I can’t. Someone like me is worthless; someone like me would be hung out to dry if there were enough decent people left in this city. Instead, the monsters are left to run rampant and the Resistance is not enough to quell the darkness.

  “Why though?” I demand to know. “Why am I so damn important to you?” My anger is sudden, fuelled by the lingering fear from my latest brush with death. “What did I ever do to deserve your trust, Ajax, your admiration, your anything? Less than a month ago, you were escorting one of Haven’s most dangerous assassins out of a cell at gunpoint and now I’m worth something to you? It doesn’t make sense. What changed?”

  He laughs. “What changed? Huh, let me see.” He ticks off the items on his fingers as he goes. “What changed was the way I saw you. What changed was the way you saw yourself, the way you looked at life. What changed was the fact that I started falling asleep with the image of your face firmly rooted in my mind. Silent,” he pauses, “what changed is that I fell for you.”

  I stare at him, speechless.

  Did he just...?

  Assassins below.

  It’s not just me?

  He’s insane.

  My heart wants to confess what I discovered this morning, but my brain forces me to hesitate.

  What if he’s lying?

  It could all be a scheme to trick the assassin into letting her guard down. I don’t want to think of Ajax like that, but I can’t afford to be blindsided. I have to t
hink of my safety, of every possibility. I can’t bare my heart when I don’t yet understand my own feelings.

  I let go of his hand.

  “Silent?” Ajax says. “Are you okay? Did you hear what I said?”

  “I heard you,” I reply, finding my voice. “I just... I don’t understand how you could...”

  “Fall in love with you?”

  I wince at the word. “Ajax, you don’t even like me.” It’s the truth. We’ve been at odds on and off since day one, finding me attractive doesn’t change that.

  He frowns. “How do you figure that? Do you really think I’d go on a mission like this with someone I don’t even like?”

  “Okay,” I allow. “Maybe you like me, but how can you love me? We just met a few weeks ago. You hated me when we met. You’re saying you did a complete one eighty? I don’t think so. It doesn’t make any sense.” It’s painful to do this, but I’m seeing now, necessary.

  “Silent...” he tries, but I interrupt him.

  “Let’s say you do love me, okay? Why would you do that to yourself? I’m a monster.”

  “No, you’re not.”

  “I am, Ajax,” I insist, “just because you haven’t seen it yet doesn’t mean it isn’t there, waiting, ready to pounce.” Even now, I can feel it lurking in the corners of my mind, feeding off of my pain, my fear, my anxiety...my soul.

  “I can help you fight it,” he replies, “and this time, I won’t hesitate to shoot.” He gives me a small smile.

  I realize then, in the silence, how dangerously close he is to me. If either of us lean in a little, our lips could touch. I’m sure that’s what he’s hoping for, but I can’t let it happen. Tearing my eyes away from his, I stand up.

  Ajax looks at me like I’ve slapped him.

  I shift my gaze to the door so I don’t lose my resolve.

  This is for the best.

  “I... I’m sorry,” I breathe, “but I can’t do this. Us. It’ll end badly and it’ll be my fault. I’ll ruin you, I know I will, and you don’t deserve that. You deserve so much more than I could ever give you. I do care about you Ajax, but that’s why this can never happen; it will either end in heartbreak or bloodshed, and I don’t feel like losing you to either.”

  “Silent...” Ajax starts again, but I ignore his attempts at reconciliation.

  “We have to go,” I tell him.

  “So that’s it then?” he says. “I don’t even get to plead my case?” I can hear the annoyance in his voice.

  Good.

  It’s better if he hates me. It’ll make this so much easier.

  At the same time, my heart clenches in my chest.

  What if I’m making a mistake?

  You live with the consequences, like you always do.

  I look back over at him. “You can plead if you want, but I’ve made my decision. Besides, this isn’t the time or place to discuss this. We need to go, before someone finds us and makes us their next victims.”

  Ajax swears under his breath. “Right,” he says, “assassin’s lair, imminent death. How could I forget?”

  I roll my eyes. “Well, lucky for us, I have my mind on important things, like survival.”

  He doesn’t say anything to that.

  I can taste the tension in the air. I hate it.

  “Come on,” I say, “let’s go. It should be easier to get out than it was to get in. There’s a tunnel two halls over.”

  “Sounds good,” he replies, “lead the way.”

  He doesn’t call me captain this time and somehow, the absence of that single word hurts more than anything.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  It’s ten o’clock in the morning when we arrive at the Warehouse. We didn’t talk at all on the way back. Silence has never made me feel that uncomfortable. For once, I understand people’s need for noise. I would’ve given anything for something to drown out my thoughts.

  We exchange a few words with the guards as we pass by and then Ajax turns to me. “Is there anything else we need to do or am I free to go?”

  “Don’t say it like that,” I reply. “I’m not keeping you here.” His words sting. I didn’t think he could be so cold.

  He sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose, and says, “Gods, I didn’t mean... I’m sorry. A lot happened today and that’s no excuse, but... I just need to be alone.” The pain in his eyes when he looks at me is almost too much to bear.

  “I get it,” I tell him, “go. I’m not going to stop you.”

  He doesn’t reply, just heads off down the hall without me.

  I stand frozen as I watch him go.

  Guild, what have I done?

  I head straight for the cafeteria, not even bothering to change out of my outfit or discard my weapons. People give me suspicious glares as I pass by, until I decide to take off my hood.

  It’s way past breakfast, but I get into the food line anyway. The cafeteria runs all day, thank the Guild. My heart doesn’t feel like eating, but my brain knows I’ll soon be starving if I don’t.

  I sit down at the squad’s table alone and dig into my brunch. Once I start, my appetite returns and it’s not long before I’m finishing off the last crumbs. I haven’t eaten that fast in a long time.

  After, I rest my head against the table and try to ignore the thoughts ricocheting off the walls of my brain.

  You’re an idiot.

  What if he was telling the truth?

  What if you made a mistake?

  “Shut up,” I tell the voices.

  What’s done is done. I made my choice.

  “Shut up?” a voice asks. “I haven’t even said anything yet.”

  I look up to see Trey sliding onto the bench across from me. “Sorry,” I say. “I was talking to myself.”

  “That’s always a good sign.”

  I scowl at her. “I’ve had a rough morning, okay? Not to mention a rough existence. I’m entitled to a little self-talk every once in a while.”

  She holds her hands up in defeat. “All right, don’t get your cloak in a twist. I was just trying to make a joke.”

  I lower my head again. “Not in the mood.”

  “I can see that now. What happened?”

  I sigh. “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t ask; I don’t want to discuss it.”

  “If that’s what you want...” She’s trying to lure me into saying more, but I’m not about to bite.

  A long moment of silence passes before Trey speaks again. “Anyway, I came to ask about the mission. How’d it go?”

  “Well enough,” I reply, glad to change the subject. I sit up straight. “We were able to make it to the Grand Cavern.”

  “Were any suspicions raised? Did anyone recognize you?”

  “No, it was a clean job,” I lie.

  “Well done, my young friend. I dare say you are exactly what I wasn’t.”

  “And what is that?”

  “Brave.” She stands up.

  “Wait, you’re leaving already?”

  “If you’re not going to tell me why you look like you’ve made the worst mistake of your life, there’s no point in me sticking around.”

  I wince at that; so much for being an expert at hiding my emotions.

  “Besides,” she goes on, “you look exhausted. Get some sleep, kid, you’ll feel better after.”

  She leaves me sitting there alone and, after a moment of contemplation, I decide to heed her advice. I get up and head to my room. Maybe a good sleep will clear my mind. It’s worth a shot anyway.

  …

  I wake up rejuvenated. My mind is less clouded; my emotions are muffled instead of suffocating me. I sleep much better here than I ever have, probably because I feel so much safer. The fact that I’m enjoying myself still continues to amaze me, but it’s hard not to. I’m safe, I’m working towards a noble goal, eating good food, surrounded by friends and allies and...Ajax, though after this morning, whatever we had might be gone.

  It’s for the best, I remind myself. We’re in the middle o
f a war, have been for decades, will be for decades more. Anything can happen, anyone can die, and the worst thing you can do to yourself is get attached.

  Besides, my plan is to return to the Guild once the Charger is dead. I can’t bring Ajax with me. I’m not even sure he would come, no matter how much he “loves” me. He and I are of different breeds, from different walks of life. Getting into a relationship is out of the question. It would be a death sentence when it goes wrong.

  I sigh and roll out of bed. There are still things I have to get done today and I’ll never do them if my thoughts keep distracting me. I decide to take some time in the training room. If a good fight won’t do the trick, nothing will.

  I walk over to the closet and pick out a plain black Resistance uniform. I decide only one sword is necessary for the afternoon and strap it across my back. I look in the mirror before I go, for the first time since I arrived here.

  A stranger’s face stares back at me. There’s a blush to my cheeks. I don’t look as skinny, not as hollowed out. I’ve been eating a lot more lately. Then there’s my hair. I used to describe it as black, like my soul, but now... It’s more than that somehow. It’s shiny, like ebony.

  Bang.

  A memory hits me.

  I see my childhood room. I’m sitting beside my mother on the bed. She’s reading me a story about a girl with ebony hair.

  Snow White.

  I close my eyes, blinking away tears as the memory fades. My eyes flick to my strand of blue hair.

  I haven’t forgotten mom. I will avenge you.

  I sigh; I really do need a haircut.

  …

  The training room is empty when I arrive, which is a mercy. I walk to the middle of the space and take a deep breath.

  It’s going to be okay.

  How? How do I fix this?

  Maybe there’s nothing to fix.

  Like hell there isn’t...

  “Shut up!” I snap, but I’m talking to myself and I know from experience that the voices don’t quiet easily.

  I don’t know why I’m so torn up over this boy, why I’ve let him shake me like this. Accepting his offer would’ve been a mistake. I would’ve been bamboozled. This is why trust is such a fragile concept. It can turn into a trap in the blink of an eye and by the time you notice, it’s too late.