My Family and Other Animals

by Gerald Durrell

  I protested that he could hardly blame the Magenpies. They were interested in things, I explained; they couldn’t help it, they were just made like that. All members of the crow tribe, I went on, warming to my defence work, were naturally curious. They didn’t know they were doing wrong.

  ‘I did not ask for a lecture on the crow tribe,’ said Larry ominously, ‘and I am not interested in the moral sense of magpies, either inherited or acquired. I am just telling you that you will have to either get rid of them or lock them up; otherwise I shall tear them wing from wing.’

  The rest of the family, finding they could not siesta with the argument going on, assembled to find out the trouble.

  ‘Good heavens! Dear, what have you been doing?’ asked Mother, peering round the wrecked room.

  ‘Mother, I am in no mood to answer imbecile questions.’

  ‘Must be the Magenpies,’ said Leslie, with the relish of a prophet proved right. ‘Anything missing?’

  ‘No, nothing missing,’ said Larry bitterly; ‘they spared me that.’

  ‘They’ve made an awful mess of your papers,’ observed Margo.

  Larry stared at her for a moment, breathing deeply. ‘What a masterly understatement,’ he said at last; ‘you are always ready with the apt platitude to sum up a catastrophe. How I envy you your ability to be inarticulate in the face of Fate.’

  ‘There’s no need to be rude,’ said Margo.

  ‘Larry didn’t mean it, dear,’ explained Mother untruthfully; ‘he’s naturally upset.’

  ‘Upset? Upset? Those scab-ridden vultures come flapping in here like a pair of critics and tear and bespatter my manuscript before it’s even finished, and you say I’m upset?’

  ‘It’s very annoying, dear,’ said Mother, in an attempt to be vehement about the incident, ‘but I’m sure they didn’t mean it. After all, they don’t understand… they’re only birds.’

  ‘Now don’t you start,’ said Larry fiercely. ‘I’ve already been treated to a discourse on the sense of right and wrong in the crow tribe. Its disgusting the way this family carries on over animals; all this anthropomorphic slush that’s drooled out as an excuse. Why don’t you all become magpie worshippers, and erect a prison to pray in? The way you all carry on one would think that I was to blame, and that it’s my fault that my room looks as though it’s been plundered by Attila the Hun. Well, I’m telling you: if something isn’t done about those birds right away, I shall deal with them myself.’

  Larry looked so murderous that I decided it would probably be safer if the Magenpies were removed from danger, so I lured them into my bedroom with the aid of a raw egg and locked them up in their basket while I considered the best thing to do. It was obvious that they would have to go into a cage of sorts, but I wanted a really large one for them, and I did not feel that I could cope with the building of a really big aviary by myself. It was useless asking the family to help me, so I decided that I would have to inveigle Mr Kralefsky into the constructional work. He could come out and spend the day, and once the cage was finished he would have the opportunity of teaching me how to wrestle. I had waited a long time for a favourable opportunity of getting these wrestling lessons, and this seemed to me to be ideal. Mr Kralefsky’s ability to wrestle was only one of his many hidden accomplishments, as I had found out.

  Apart from his mother and his birds I had discovered that Kralefsky had one great interest in life, and that was an entirely imaginary world he had evoked in his mind, a world in which rich and strange adventures were always happening, adventures in which there were only two major characters: himself (as hero) and a member of the opposite sex who was generally known as a Lady. Finding that I appeared to believe the anecdotes he related to me, he got bolder and bolder, and day by day allowed me to enter a little farther into his private paradise. It all started one morning when we were having a break for coffee and biscuits. The conversation somehow got onto dogs, and I confessed to an overwhelming desire to possess a bulldog – creatures that I found quite irresistibly ugly.

  ‘By Jove, yes! Bulldogs!’ said Krafelsky. ‘Fine beasts, trustworthy and brave. One cannot say the same of bull-terriers, unfortunately.’

  He sipped his coffee and glanced at me shyly; I sensed that I was expected to draw him out, so I asked why he thought bull-terriers particularly untrustworthy.

  ‘Treacherous!’ he explained, wiping his mouth. ‘ Most treacherous.’

  He leaned back in his chair, closed his eyes, and placed the tips of his fingers together, as if praying.

  ‘I recall that once – many years ago when I was in England – I was instrumental in saving a Lady’s life when she was attacked by one of those brutes.’

  He opened his eyes and peeped at me; seeing that I was all attention, he closed them again and continued. ‘It was a fine morning in spring, and I was taking a constitutional in Hyde Park. Being so early, there was no one else about, and the park was silent except for the bird-songs. I had walked quite some distance when I suddenly became aware of a deep, powerful baying.’

  His voice sank to a thrilling whisper and, with his eyes still closed, he cocked his head on one side as if listening. So realistic was it that I, too, felt I could hear the savage, regular barks echoing among the daffodils.

  ‘I thought nothing of it at first. I supposed it to be some dog out enjoying itself chasing squirrels. Then, suddenly, I heard cries for help mingling with the ferocious baying.’ He stiffened in his chair, frowned, and his nostrils quivered. ‘I hurried through the trees, and suddenly came upon a terrible sight.’

  He paused, and passed a hand over his brow, as though even now he could hardly bear to recall the scene.

  ‘There, with her back to a tree, stood a Lady. Her skirt was torn and ripped, her legs bitten and bloody, and with a deckchair she was fending off a ravening bull-terrier. The brute, froth flecking its yawning mouth, leaped and snarled, waiting for an opening. It was obvious that the Lady’s strength was ebbing. There was not a moment to be lost.’

  Eyes still firmly closed, the better to see the vision, Kralefsky drew himself up in his chair, straightened his shoulders and fixed his features into an expression of sneering defiance, a devil-may-care expression – the expression of a man about to save a Lady from a bull-terrier.

  ‘I raised my heavy walking-stick and leaped forward, giving a loud cry to encourage the Lady. The hound, attracted by my voice, immediately sprang at me, growling horribly, and I struck it such a blow on the head that my stick broke in half. The animal, though of course dazed, was still full of strength; I stood there, defenceless, as it gathered itself and launched itself at my throat with gaping jaws.’

  Kralefsky’s forehead had become quite moist during this recital, and he paused to take out his handkerchief and pat his brow with it. I asked eagerly what had happened then. Kralefsky reunited his finger-tips and went on.

  ‘I did the only thing possible. It was a thousand-to-one chance, but I had to take it. As the beast leaped at my face I plunged my hand into his mouth, seized his tongue, and twisted it as hard as I could. The teeth closed on my wrist, blood spurted out, but I hung on grimly, knowing my life was at stake. The dog lashed to and fro for what seemed like an age. I was exhausted. I felt I could not hold on any longer. Then, suddenly, the brute gave a convulsive heave and went limp. I had succeeded. The creature had been suffocated by its own tongue.’

  I sighed rapturously. It was a wonderful story, and might well be true. Even it if wasn’t true, it was the sort of thing that should happen, I felt; and I sympathized with Kralefsky if, finding that life had so far denied him a bull-terrier to strangle, he had supplied it himself. I said that I thought he had been very brave to tackle the dog in that way. Kralefsky opened his eyes, flushed with pleasure at my obvious enthusiasm, and smiled deprecatingly.

  ‘No, no, not really brave,’ he corrected. ‘The Lady was in distress, you see, and a gentleman could do nothing else. By Jove, no!’

  Having found in me a willing an
d delighted listener, Kralefsky’s confidence grew. He told me more and more of his adventures, and each became more thrilling than the last. I discovered that, by skilfully planting an idea in his mind one morning, I could be sure of an adventure dealing with it the following day, when his imagination had had a chance to weave a story. Enthralled, I heard how he and a Lady had been the sole survivors of a shipwreck on a voyage to Murmansk (‘I had some business to attend to there’). For two weeks he and the Lady drifted on an iceberg, their clothes frozen, feeding on an occasional raw fish or sea-gull, until they were rescued. The ship that spotted them might easily have overlooked them if it had not been for Kralefsky’s quick wit: he used the Lady’s fur coat to light a signal fire.

  I was enchanted with the story of the time he had been held up by bandits in the Syrian desert (‘while taking a Lady to see some tombs’) and, when the ruffians threatened to carry his fair companion off and hold her to ransom, he offered to go in her place. But the bandits obviously thought the Lady would make a more attractive hostage, and refused. Kralefsky hated bloodshed, but, in the circumstances, what could a gentleman do? He killed all six of them with a knife he had concealed in his mosquito boot. During the First World War he had, naturally, been in the Secret Service. Disguised in a beard, he had been dropped behind the enemy lines to contact another English spy and obtain some plans. Not altogether to my surprise, the other spy turned out to be a Lady. Their escape (with the plans) from the firing squad was a masterpiece of ingenuity. Who but Kralefsky would have thought of breaking into the armoury, loading all the rifles with blanks, and then feigning death as the guns roared out?

  I became so used to Kralefsky’s extraordinary stories that on the rare occasions when he told me one that was faintly possible I generally believed it. This was his downfall. One day he told me a story of how, when he was a young man in Paris, he was walking along one evening and came across a great brute of a man ill-treating a Lady. Kralefsky, his gentlemanly instincts outraged, promptly hit the man on the head with his walking-stick. The man turned out to be the champion wrestler of France, and he immediately demanded that his honour be satisfied; Kralefsky agreed. The man suggested that they meet in the ring and wrestle it out; Kralefsky agreed. A date was fixed and Kralefsky started to go into training for the fight (‘a vegetable diet and many exercises’), and when the great day came he had never felt fitter. Kralefsky’s opponent – who, to judge from his description, bore a close resemblance, both in size and mentality, to Neanderthal Man – was surprised to find Kralefsky was a match for him. They struggled round the ring for an hour, neither succeeding in throwing the other. Then, suddenly, Kralefsky remembered a throw he had been taught by a Japanese friend of his. With a twist and a jerk he heaved his massive adversary up, twirled him round, and hurled him right out of the ring. The unfortunate man was in hospital for three months, so badly was he hurt. As Kralefsky rightly pointed out, this was a just and fitting punishment for a cad who was so low as to raise his hand to a Lady.

  Intrigued by this tale, I asked Kralefsky if he would teach me the rudiments of wrestling, as I felt it would be most useful to me should I ever come across a Lady in distress. Kralefsky seemed rather reluctant; perhaps at some later date, when we had plenty of room, he might show me a few throws, he said. He had forgotten the incident, but I had not, and so the day he came out to help me build the Magenpies their new home I determined to remind him of his promise. During tea I waited until there was a suitable pause in the conversation and then reminded Kralefsky of his famous fight with the French Champion Wrestler.

  Kralefsky was not at all pleased to be reminded of this exploit, it appeared. He turned pale, and shushed me hurriedly. ‘One does not boast in public about such things,’ he whispered hoarsely.

  I was quite willing to respect his modesty, providing he gave me a wrestling lesson. I pointed out that all I wanted was to be shown a few of the more simple tricks.

  ‘Well,’ said Kralefsky, licking his lips, ‘I suppose I can show you a few of the more elementary holds. But it takes a long time to become a proficient wrestler, you know.’

  Delighted, I asked him if we should wrestle out on the veranda, where the family could watch us, or in the seclusion of the drawing-room? Kralefsky decided on the drawing-room. It was important not to be distracted, he said. So we went into the house and moved the furniture out of the way, and Kralefsky reluctantly took off his coat. He explained that the basic and most important principle of wrestling was to try to throw your opponent off balance. You could do this by seizing him round the waist and giving a quick sideways twitch. He demonstrated what he meant, catching me and throwing me gently onto the sofa.

  ‘Now!’ he said, holding up a finger, ‘have you got the idea?’

  I said yes, I thought I’d got the idea all right.

  ‘That’s the ticket!’ said Kralefsky. ‘Now you throw me.’

  Determined to be a credit to my instructor, I threw him with great enthusiasm. I hurled myself across the room, seized him round the chest, squeezed as hard as I could to prevent his escape, and then flung him with a dextrous twist of my wrist towards the nearest chair. Unfortunately, I did not throw him hard enough, and he missed the chair altogether and crashed to the floor, uttering a yell that brought the family rushing in from the veranda. We lifted the white-faced, groaning wrestling champion onto the couch, and Margo went to bring some brandy.

  ‘What on earth did you do to him?’ Mother asked.

  I said that all I had done was to follow instructions. I’d been invited to throw him and I had thrown him. It was perfectly simple, and I didn’t see that any blame could possibly be attached to me.

  ‘You don’t know your own strength, dear,’ said Mother; ‘you should be more careful.’

  ‘Damn’ silly thing to do,’ said Leslie. ‘Might have killed him.’

  ‘I knew a man once who was crippled for life by a wrestling throw,’ remarked Larry conversationally.

  Kralefsky groaned more loudly.

  ‘Really, Gerry, you do some very silly things,’ said Mother, distraught, obviously with visions of Kralefsky being confined to a wheel-chair for the rest of his days.

  Irritated by what I considered to be quite unfair criticisms, I pointed out again that it was not my fault. I had been shown how to throw a person, and then invited to demonstrate. So I had thrown him.

  ‘I’m sure he didn’t mean you to lay him out like that,’ said Larry; ‘you might have damaged his spine. Like this fellow I knew, his spine was split like a banana. Very curious. He told me that bits of the bone were sticking out…’

  Kralefsky opened his eyes and gave Larry an anguished look. ‘I wonder if I might have some water?’ he said faintly.

  At this moment Margo returned with the brandy, and we made Kralefsky take some. A little colour came into his cheeks again, and he lay back and closed his eyes once more.

  ‘Well, you can sit up, and that’s one good sign,’ said Larry cheerfully; ‘though I believe it’s not really a trustworthy indication. I knew an artist who fell off a ladder and broke his back, and he was walking round for a week before they discovered it.’

  ‘Good God, really?’ asked Leslie, deeply interested. ‘What happened to him?’

  ‘He died,’ said Larry.

  Kralefsky raised himself into a sitting position and gave a wan smile. ‘I think perhaps, if you would be kind enough to let Spiro drive me, it would be wiser if I went into town and consulted a doctor.’

  ‘Yes, of course Spiro will take you,’ said Mother. ‘I should go along to Theodore’s laboratory and get him to take an x-ray, just to put your mind at rest.’

  So we wrapped Kralefsky, pale but composed, in quantities of rugs and placed him tenderly in the back of the car.

  ‘Tell Theodore to send us a note with Spiro to let us know how you are,’ said Mother. ‘I do hope you’ll soon be better. I’m really so sorry this had to happen; it was so very careless of Gerry.’

  It was Kr
alefsky’s big moment. He smiled a smile of pain-racked nonchalance and waved a hand feebly. ‘Please, please don’t distress yourself. Think nothing more about it,’ he said. ‘Don’t blame the boy; it was not his fault. You see, I’m a little out of practice.’

  Much later that evening Spiro returned from his errand of mercy, bearing a note from Theodore.

  Dear Mrs Durrell,

  It appears from the x-ray photographs I have taken of Mr Kralefsky’s chest that he has cracked two ribs: one of them, I’m sorry to say, quite severely. He was reticent as to the cause of the damage, but quite considerable force must have been employed. However, if he keeps them bound up for a week or so he should suffer no permanent injury.

  With kindest regards to you all,

  Yours,

  Theodore

  p.s. I didn’t by any chance leave a small black box at your house when I came out last Thursday, did I? It contains some very interesting Anopheles mosquitoes I had obtained, and it seems I must have mislaid it. Perhaps you would let me know?

  16

  The Lake of Lilies

  The Magenpies were most indignant at their imprisonment, in spite of the large size of their quarters. Suffering from insatiable curiosity as they did, they found it most frustrating not to be able to investigate and comment on everything that happened. Their field of view was limited to the front of the house, and so if anything happened round the back they would go almost frantic, cackling and chucking indignantly as they flew round and round their cage, poking their heads through the wire in an effort to see what was going on. Confined as they were, they were able to devote a lot of time to their studies, which consisted of getting a solid grounding in the Greek and English language, and producing skilful imitations of natural sounds. Within a very short time they were able to call all members of the family by name, and they would, with extreme cunning, wait until Spiro had got into the car and coasted some distance down the hill, before rushing to the corner of their cage and screaming ‘Spiro… Spiro… Spiro,’ making him cram on his brakes and return to the house to find out who was calling him. They would also derive a lot of innocent amusement by shouting ‘Go away’ and ‘Come here’ in rapid succession, in both Greek and English, to the complete confusion of the dogs. Another trick, out of which they got endless pleasure, was deluding the poor unfortunate flock of chickens, which spent the day scratching hopefully round the olive groves. Periodically the maid would come to the kitchen door and utter a series of piping noises, interspersed with strange hiccuping cries, which the hens knew was a signal for food, and they would assemble at the back door like magic. As soon as the Magenpies had mastered the chicken-food call they worried the poor hens into a decline. They would wait until the most awkward time before using it – until the hens, with infinite effort and much squawking, had gone to roost in the smaller trees, or, in the heat of the day, when they had all settled down for a pleasant siesta in the shade of the myrtles. No sooner were they drowsing pleasantly than the Magenpies would start the food call, one doing the hiccups while the other did the piping. The hens would all glance nervously round, each waiting for one of the others to show signs of life. The Magenpies would call again, more seductively and urgently. Suddenly, one hen with less self-control than the rest would leap squawking to her feet and bounce towards the Magenpies’ cage, and the rest, clucking and flapping, would follow her with all speed. They would rush up to the wire of the cage, barging and squawking, treading on one another’s feet, pecking at each other, and then stand in a disorderly, panting crowd looking up into the cage where the Magenpies, sleek and elegant in their black-and-white suits, would stare down at them and chuckle, like a pair of city slickers that have successfully duped a crowd of bumbling and earnest villagers.