“Right. I’m aware. But I don’t think she’d have any reason to lie to you. She doesn’t know I’m sitting right next to you.”
“Maybe. Or maybe she does.”
“How? Unless she’s outside peeking in my window right now.”
“I don’t know.” Cullen was uneasy. “Maybe she has friends watching us.”
“I doubt that. I think she cut all her ties to Portland when she left. I think she changed her name and started brand new in a new location, like Atlanta.”
“Do you think Sara Donovan was even her real name?”
“Truth?”
“Truth.” Though Cullen wasn’t sure she wanted to hear it.
“No. I think she reinvents herself in every new city.”
Cullen nodded.
“I guess that makes sense. Damn, don’t I feel like a fool? I didn’t even know her real name yet there I was planning on a future with her.”
Julia placed her hand over Cullen’s.
“Babe, don’t beat yourself up. She’s a professional and maybe she was really hoping to go the distance with you. We’ll never know. I mean, you can ask her, but will you believe her answer?”
“No, I don’t suppose I would.”
“I didn’t think so.”
They went to bed and Cullen wasn’t feeling any better Monday morning. Being duped so completely by Sara weighed heavily on her mind. That, and not knowing what she was walking into at work did nothing to ward off the Monday blues.
“You’re awfully quiet this morning, babe,” Julia said over their second cup of coffee. “Anything you want to talk about?”
“Not really. I mean, I don’t know. I’m still bummed about the whole Sara situation, plus I don’t know if I’ll have a job at the end of the day. I guess I’m just down in the dumps right now.”
“Well, I can’t help with the job situation, but I’m happy to be a sounding board on the Sara front. That is, if you’re comfortable talking to me about it.”
“I’m comfortable talking to you about anything. I just wish Sara and that whole situation didn’t upset me.”
“She hurt you, Cullen. You can’t deny that, and that takes time to heal. If you need more space, just say the word. I can back off and give it to you.”
Cullen panicked at the thought.
“No, please don’t! I don’t want you going anywhere. But I do see why we’re moving slowly. I need to get my head on right before I can be the partner I want to be.”
“Do you think seeing a counselor would help?”
“I don’t think I need my head shrunk.”
“Don’t think of it as a bad thing. She’d just be a neutral party you could talk to.”
“How much could I tell her?” Cullen was warming up to the idea.
“Anything, everything. It would all be confidential.”
“Maybe I’ll look into it.”
“I think you should, but not right now. We’re going to be late as it is.”
“Yeah, we should get going.”
Cullen powered through the first couple of hours at work alternating between a couple of accounts that had deadlines looming. She was doing good work, and when she finally took a minute to breathe, her mind went back to the discussion she and Julia had had that morning.
She searched for lesbian counselors in the greater Portland area and was surprised to find one in an office building right down the street. She closed her office door and called them, and when she hung up she had an appointment for after work that day.
She felt conflicted. On one hand, yes, it would be good to talk to someone unrelated to the cases and her relationship. On the other, did she really need to see a mental health professional? What if they found out at work? Would she be kissing her job good-bye?
Not convinced she was doing the right thing, she opted to keep her appointment. She’d just check it out and see how it went. She sent Julia a text letting her know she’d be late getting home that evening and settled back to work.
When four thirty rolled around, Cullen logged off her computer, grabbed her coat, and headed down the street. She found the building without any problem and took the elevator to the seventh floor.
She walked into the suite and felt a little more comfortable. She didn’t know what she’d been expecting. Something clinical and cold perhaps? But the muted waiting room was pleasant and well-appointed, and soft strands of music wafted through the speakers in the ceiling. She felt better as she approached the receptionist who smiled brightly at her.
“How can I help you?”
“My name is Cullen Matthews. I have an appointment with Leslie McNabb.”
“Great. I’ll need a photo ID and an insurance card, please.”
Cullen’s gut tightened. Would this visit affect her insurance rates?
“Can’t I just pay out of pocket?” she asked.
“You can, but at two hundred and fifty dollars a visit, most people have us bill their insurance.”
Cullen pulled her information out of her wallet and handed it to the receptionist who made copies of them. She clicked away at her computer.
“It looks like your co-pay will be forty dollars.”
Cullen handed over her debit card and when the transaction was complete, the receptionist handed her a clipboard.
“Go ahead and fill these out and Leslie will be out to get you shortly.”
Cullen read through the reams of paperwork. Had she ever been in counseling before? Was she suicidal? Did she have a mental health diagnosis? She stood to return the paperwork and cancel her appointment when a short brunette dressed in a calf length gray skirt and black sweater opened the door.
“Cullen?” She smiled at her.
“Look,” Cullen said. “I don’t think I need to be here.”
“I’ll tell you what. Why not come on back and talk with me for a few. Then, if that’s still your decision, you can leave.”
Cullen wavered then followed Leslie down a hallway to a carpeted office with abstract art on the walls. There was a large brown leather couch along one wall and a desk by the door.
Leslie closed the door and sat at the desk, spinning the chair so she faced Cullen.
“Go ahead and have a seat.” She motioned to the couch.
Cullen sat on the edge of it, determined not to get too comfortable.
“What brings you here today? Surely there was a reason you made the appointment.”
Cullen held up the clipboard.
“None of this applies to me. I don’t have a history of mental illness or anything like that. I think I’m wasting both our time.”
“Why don’t you let me be the judge of that?” Leslie’s voice was soft and comforting. “Here, hand me the clipboard. We’ll deal with it later if we need to.”
Cullen gladly handed it over and rested her empty hands on her knees.
“So, why did you make the appointment, Cullen? Which, by the way, is a great name.”
“Thank you. I just need someone to talk to. Someone with no vested interest in what I’m going through or where I’ve been.”
“Sounds like you’re in the right place. I know nothing about you and I promise not to pass judgment, so why don’t you tell me what you’re going through.”
Against her better judgment, Cullen found herself spilling her guts about everything from her relationship with Sara to Sara’s involvement with the law, to Julia’s investigation, to Cullen’s relationship with Julia.
“Oh, my,” Leslie said when Cullen had told her story. “You’ve got a lot of issues to resolve it sounds like. Not the least of which being reconciling your feelings over Sara so you can move on with Julia.”
“Exactly.” Cullen forgot her unease and leaned back on the couch. “I need someone to help me see things clearly, I guess.”
“I can do that. If you want me to, I mean.”
“Can you? Can you really help me?”
“I like to think I can help you help yourself.”
Cu
llen breathed a sigh of relief.
“That would be wonderful.”
“Now, first things first,” Leslie said. “I can only help you if you’re completely honest with me. Remember this is all confidential. No one outside of this room will know anything you don’t choose to tell them.”
Cullen nodded her understanding.
“Good. Now that we’ve cleared that up, let’s start with some basics. When you think about Sara, what do you feel?”
“Feel?”
“Yes, about her. Not the situation, just about her. Tell me your feelings where she’s concerned.”
“I’m hurt, I’m angry, I’m disgusted.”
“Anything else?”
“I don’t know.”
“Fair enough,” Leslie said. “Let’s take those one at a time. Let’s start with the hurt.”
“I shouldn’t feel hurt anymore. I think that’s one of my issues. Yes, she burned me and dumped me and used me, but I’ve moved on. I’m with Julia and I’m happy with her. So why do I still feel hurt when I think of Sara?”
“Let’s dig a little deeper. Do you have any positive emotions when you think of her?”
“No.”
“That was a quick answer. I want you to really think about it.”
Cullen thought for a while.
“I really don’t think I do. There’s no room for that.”
“When you think of happier times, before she was arrested, what do you feel?”
“Sadness really. Like, we were so happy. Why’d everything have to go to hell in a handbasket? But then I feel guilty because I shouldn’t miss those days because I have a new girlfriend now.”
Leslie smiled warmly at her.
“Ah, yes, so you’re conflicted. That’s where the turmoil all comes from. I’m going to say something you’re not going to want to hear. Are you ready?”
Cullen tensed.
“I guess.”
“I’m sure Julia is a wonderful person, but could you maybe not date her right now? You should take time to get your head and heart together before you move on, and I can help with that.”
Cullen shook her head vehemently.
“I can’t not see her. She’s like a dream come true. Besides, we’re taking things slowly to give me time.”
“How slowly? How often do you see her?”
“Every day.”
Leslie nodded slowly.
“That’s not very slow. Are you sleeping together?”
“No. I mean, yes. I mean, we sleep in the same bed, but we’re not having sex.”
“Well, that’s a good start. But I don’t know if sharing a bed with her is a good thing. I think you should back things up a bit.”
“I can’t do that.”
“And I can’t make you. I can only offer suggestions.”
“I understand. I just really like being around Julia.”
“How does she feel about you?” Leslie asked.
“What do you mean? She likes me a lot.”
“Enough to wait for you?”
Cullen shook her head again.
“I’m not going to ask her to wait for me. I don’t want to wait. I want to move forward, not backward. That’s why I’m here.”
“I understand, but I think you may need to back up a bit to move forward. I think you’ll both be better off in the long run. Not to mention you’ll have a stronger relationship. Tell me about your fears. Are you afraid of losing her?”
“Not really, but…maybe. I’ve liked her since I was a kid. She’s like a dream come true.”
Leslie nodded.
“I understand that, too.”
“So you really think we need some time apart?”
“I’m not asking you to split up with her, Cullen. I’m just saying slow down. I think it will benefit you both. And now, our time is up. I’d like to see you again Thursday if you’re still interested.”
“That’s probably a good idea. I think you can help me. Not that I’m going to break up with Julia, mind you.”
“Again, I’m not asking you to break up with her. Just slow things down. Talk, text, spend free time together. Date. But don’t act like you’re living together. You’re not ready for that, Cullen, and acting like you are isn’t going to help you heal.”
“Thanks for your insight. I appreciate it. I’ll make an appointment for Thursday.”
Chapter Twenty-three
Julia was getting nervous when she finally heard Cullen pull into her driveway. Cullen had told her she’d be a little late getting home but hadn’t said how late. Julia figured she’d be home by five thirty, but now it was pushing six thirty and she was just getting there.
Relief washed over her as she greeted Cullen at the door. She threw her arms around her and held her tight. She felt Cullen’s arms tighten around her waist and could finally relax.
“Where have you been?” Julia said.
Cullen stepped inside and closed the door behind her.
“I had a therapy session.”
“You what? I thought you weren’t into that.”
“I did some thinking about what you said and thought what the hell? They were able to get me in after work today, so I went. I go back Thursday.”
“You go back? So you liked it? That’s fantastic. Have a seat. Tell me all about it. But hold for just a moment while I pour some wine.”
She felt lighter than air as she went to the kitchen. She was so thankful that Cullen had taken that first step. She was sure it would help her and by extension, them, move forward.
“So tell me about your therapist. What did you talk about? Tell me, well, tell me anything you’re comfortable telling me.”
“Well, my therapist’s name is Leslie and she’s a lesbian, so that’s a plus.”
“Great. That’s a major positive right there. Did you guys talk about Sara?”
“Of course and you.”
“Okay. Well, you don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to. You know that. I respect confidentiality.”
Cullen took a sip of wine and sat back against the couch with her eyes closed.
“I don’t know,” she said finally.
“What don’t you know? You’re going back, so it must have been good.”
“I think she can help me. I believe that.”
“Excellent, so, why the hesitation?” Julia said.
“She thinks we need to slow down.”
“Us? Like you and me? How much slower can we go?” Julia laughed nervously.
“Like she doesn’t think we should spend nights together. She thinks we should see each other and text and talk and stuff, but not practically live together.”
“Did you explain to her that when we sleep together that all we do is sleep?”
“I did.”
“Okay.” Julia place her hand over Cullen’s. “And what do you think? What are you feeling? Talk to me.”
“I don’t know. I mean, it makes sense, but I don’t like the idea of going backward. I also don’t like not being with you all the time. I don’t want to lose you.”
“Not spending every waking hour together doesn’t mean you’re going to lose me.” She squeezed Cullen’s hand. “And if you think it’ll help you in the long run, then I’m up for it.”
“Really? Seriously, you don’t hate me for asking it of you?”
“Not at all, and if Leslie thinks that’s best, then I think we should listen to her. I want you to feel great, Cullen. I want you to be able to come to me free of Sara so we can move forward and work on us.”
“That’s what I want, too.”
“So it’s settled.”
“I want to spend the night tonight, though. I’ll pack up my stuff in the morning and drive back to Bidwell after work.”
“Okay. That sounds good.”
“This won’t be easy,” Cullen said.
“No. No, it won’t, but it’s important.”
“Yeah, I guess it is.” She took another sip of wine. “How was
your day?”
“It was good. I learned that Sara was right outside Montague’s room minutes before he flatlined so I think I’ve got enough evidence to get Sara for his murder as well. Now if we could just find her.”
“I wish you would find her. I think maybe seeing her locked up will really help me close the book on that chapter of my life.”
“I think you’re right, and believe me, I’m doing everything in my power to do just that.”
“I know you are.”
They ordered pizza and sipped their wine until Cullen’s eyes were drooping.
“Poor baby, you’re tired.”
“I had a busy day.”
“And a very emotional one, I’m sure. Come on, let’s get you to bed.”
They lay in bed together and Julia finally heard Cullen’s breathing even out and knew she was asleep. She disentangled herself from Cullen and slipped out of bed, poured herself another glass of wine and curled up on the couch.
Her mind was racing and wouldn’t let her sleep. Not even close. She was so curious what Cullen and Leslie had talked about and she wondered how honest Cullen had been. She had to trust Cullen to be perfectly honest in order to get anything out of her sessions, but what was the complete truth?
Did Cullen still harbor feelings for Sara as Julia suspected, and how deep were they? Had Julia pushed Cullen too hard and moved too fast? The questions whirled around in her head until she was finished with the wine and was no more settled than she had been. But she needed sleep so climbed back into bed.
Trust. It was all about trust, and that was something Julia was short on. It came with her line of work. She needed to trust that Cullen would work with Leslie to move forward. She had no choice. She certainly wasn’t going to walk away. Not now that she’d found Cullen. She just needed to be patient and trust the process. Two things she had no idea how to do.
The following morning, Julia did not want to get out of bed. She turned off her alarm and struggled to keep her eyes open. When Cullen reached out and pulled Julia against her, she snuggled close and almost allowed herself to fall back asleep.
The thought of how close she was to nailing Sara popped into her head, and suddenly she was wide-awake. She had things to do, leads to follow up on. She slid out of bed and poured a cup of coffee. She carried it and one for Cullen into the bedroom before she hit the shower.
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