It would be weird not having Cullen there that night, but it would be nice to be able to get ready in her own room in the mornings rather than having to dry and dress in the bathroom to avoid any temptation on either of their parts.
When she came out of the bathroom dressed and ready for her day, Cullen was sitting up in bed sipping her coffee.
“I’m going to head out now,” Julia said as she kissed Cullen good-bye. “Have a great day and call me tonight?”
“You know I will.”
“Thanks, babe. This won’t be easy, but I’m sure we’re doing the right thing.”
“I know, but it still sucks.”
“Have a good day, babe.”
She let herself out into the cold morning air.
Cullen got up, packed her clothes, showered, and headed for the office. She was feeling down about not spending every available moment with Julia, but she didn’t want to be codependent either.
That was a big word she’d learned that morning while waiting for Julia to get out of the shower. She got to work, fired up her computer, and settled in for the day. She was working away a little after lunch when her phone buzzed. Hoping to see a message from Julia, she was disappointed when she saw an unknown number. Sara, shit.
Haven’t talked to you in a few days. What’s new?
If you must know, I’m in therapy thanks to your mindfuck, she wanted to say but refrained.
Not much. Work, work, work. What’s new with you?
Still settling down. Getting the lay of the land. That sort of thing.
Good. I’m glad you’re getting situated.
You need to tell that bitch to back off. She’s cramping my style.
Huh? Who? How?
You know who. Some cop was giving me the once-over like he was suspicious of me.
What were you doing?
Nothing suspicious. I was clothes shopping.
I’m sorry that happened to you.
Yeah, me, too. I’ve got to go, but tell her to leave me the fuck alone.
Cullen texted Julia immediately.
Some cop was giving Sara a hard time, so you’re on the right track with your cities.
Excellent. Thanks for letting me know.
My pleasure.
Cullen settled back in to work and was lost in a campaign when she heard the ping of her email. It was from her manager. He wanted to see her. She replied that she was on her way and headed down the hall to his office.
Her stomach was in knots. Was this it? Was she going to be let go? Would he do that? Or would human resources? What the hell did he want from her?
She knocked on his door.
“Matthews? Come on in. Go ahead and close the door behind you.”
The knots in her stomach tightened, but she closed the door and sat down, careful to keep her face impassive.
“As you know,” he began, “We’re doing a lot of layoffs around here.”
“Yes, sir, that’s what we were told. Just how many is a lot, if I may ask?”
“A lot. That’s all you need to know. As a result of that, I called you in to see me.”
Cullen went numb all over. She didn’t want to start over at a new firm. She loved where she worked. She’d spent almost half her life there and couldn’t imagine trying to find another job. This place was like family. She managed to nod but didn’t trust her voice to speak.
“Layoffs are hard on everybody, Matthews. Let me preface what I’m about to say with that statement. They’re no fun no matter how you look at it. So why are you here you’re probably asking yourself right now. Am I right?”
She nodded again.
“We’re letting twenty-five people go today.”
Shit. Shit, shit, shit. Stay cool. Don’t lose it. Not here, not now.
“Unfortunately, that leaves a lot of accounts homeless, and we need to divvy up those accounts among those of us that remain. I know you work hard, Matthews, and I hate to dump more on you, but I’ve got ten accounts that I’m handing over to you right now. I expect them to be treated with the same respect and creativity as your other accounts. In other words, it’s not the account’s fault they’re now homeless. These accounts are in various stages of development. Some have just come on board, some have campaign deadlines looming. You’re good, as I said, so I’m sure you can handle the added work. Prove me right, Matthews. Prove me right.”
It took a moment for the cloud of impending doom to lift from Cullen’s brain. She wasn’t being let go. She had more work to do. That was a good thing, right?
“Yes, sir,” she said. “I won’t let you down. I’ll get right on those.”
“I’ll email you the list of accounts so you can pull them up in the system and familiarize yourself with them. You’ll have that list when you get back to your office.”
Cullen stood.
“Yes, sir. Thank you.”
She was still lightheaded as she walked to her office. She’d been so terrified, so certain she was being canned. Relief washed over her as she collapsed in her chair and buried her head in her hands.
She pulled up the list and went through them. Two of them had deadlines looming so she checked what had been put together so far and decided she could work with it. She threw herself into the campaigns and didn’t look up until her stomach growled. She checked the clock. It was six already and she hadn’t eaten all day.
She was going to text Julia to see if she wanted to meet for dinner somewhere. There were already two texts from her, the second one, asking where she was, sounded worried.
Sorry. I lost myself in work today. I’m just leaving the office now. Dinner?
She didn’t have to wait long for a reply.
Sure. Where?
El Gaucho?
Are we celebrating anything?
Yeah, I still have a job.
I’ll be there in fifteen.
Cullen fought through downtown traffic and arrived at El Gaucho twenty minutes later and found Julia at the bar.
“Hey, beautiful,” Cullen said.
“Hey yourself.” Julia stood and hugged her tight. “I was worried about you.”
“Sorry. I didn’t hear your texts come in.”
“That’s fair. You were at work, after all.”
“Indeed I was.”
“And you still have a job? For sure?” Julia said.
“I was just given ten clients from people who’d been let go. So I’d say I’m pretty secure at the moment.”
“That’s great, but do you have time to take on that many clients? What about your usual work?”
“It’ll take a while to get my timing down. It’ll mean a lot of late nights for me, but that’s okay since I don’t really look forward to going home now.”
“Believe me, I hear that. Shall we eat?”
They got a table and Cullen relaxed with a glass of wine, some good food, and Julia’s presence.
“You’re like a drug,” she said.
“How’s that?”
“I can’t get enough of you and it’s painful not to be with you.”
“I feel the same way, Cullen, but we’re doing the right thing.”
“Yeah. I know.”
Dinner was soon over and they were standing in the pouring rain in the parking lot.
“We should make this quick, so we don’t catch pneumonia,” Julia said.
“Okay, I’ll kiss you good-bye and you can be on your way.”
“I’ll text you in the morning.”
“Please do.”
“Good night, Cullen.”
“Good night, Julia.”
Cullen felt like a drowned rat, but she watched until she couldn’t see Julia’s taillights any longer, then got in her truck and drove home to her empty house.
Chapter Twenty-four
Wednesday night found Cullen at work until seven. She was exhausted at the end of the day so messaged Julia that she was just going to go home and go to bed. She missed her something fierce though. It had been pai
nful on such a deep level not to see her for a day. Cullen vowed never to let that happen again.
Thursday, she logged off at four thirty on the dot and walked down to Leslie’s. She was excited about seeing her, believing she’d help her get her feelings squared away and she needed that so desperately. She wanted to spend every moment she could with Julia, and living apart wasn’t fun. It was, however, only their second week together, and when she thought of it that way, she realized they’d really rushed into things.
Leslie opened the door to the back hallway wearing black slacks and a cream-colored sweater. She greeted Cullen with a smile and Cullen followed her to her office.
“How are you today?” Leslie asked.
“I’m okay overall I guess.”
Leslie arched a perfectly shaped eyebrow.
“Overall? Only okay? What’s going on? Talk to me.”
Cullen leaned back on the couch.
“I don’t know really. I’m just working too hard, and not seeing Julia every day is killing me.”
“Oh, so you took my advice?”
“We did. It made sense, but it’s not easy.”
“You’re still so new. I want you to be able to enjoy that newness, that excitement. The living for each phone call, every text. I didn’t say you couldn’t see each other every day though. Whose choice was that?”
“I worked late last night and I was fried, so just wanted to drive home and crash. So we didn’t meet for dinner or anything and I missed her.”
“Well, that’s no good. I’m sure you did. Will you see her tonight?”
“Yeah, we’re meeting for dinner after this.”
“Good. So, what else is going on? Why are you working so late?”
“They laid off a bunch of people at the office,” Cullen said. “I got a lot of the distributed leftovers.”
“Hm. Not fun and not good with everything else you’ve got going on. Have you heard from, what was her name?”
“Sara?”
“Yes, Sara.”
“Not for a couple of days, which is a good thing. She pissed me off last time she texted me. Oh, sorry. Am I allowed to swear?”
Leslie smiled at her.
“That’s fine. Just no f-bombs please.”
“I can live with that.”
“Tell me how she upset you.”
“She said horrible things about Julia. I hate when she does that. She calls her names and cusses her out.”
“Do you think she knows about the two of you?”
“I don’t know. I wondered that myself,” Cullen said.
“What does Julia think?”
“Julia thinks she cut all ties with Portland when she left so she shouldn’t have any spies here reporting to her.”
Leslie nodded.
“That makes sense. So what does she have to say about Julia?”
“Just that she’s got the cops looking for her wherever she lives now.”
“Paranoid much?” Leslie said.
“Right?”
“Are her texts still helping Julia?”
“Sort of, kind of, I guess. I don’t really know. I just know I want her locked up so I won’t have to hear from her again.”
“So, let’s talk about your feelings for Sara.”
“Ugh, do we have to?”
“I think we do,” Leslie said. “I think we need to talk about them and address them and help you move past them.”
“I don’t still care about her. I don’t know how I can make that any clearer.”
“But I’m sure you’re still mourning the loss of your relationship. That’s only natural.”
“Is that what I’m doing?” Cullen said.
“I think it is. You may resent Sara for what she did to you and to everyone she came in contact with. You may hate her for running out on you, but it’s the relationship that’s over. One you’d put your heart and soul into and that’s got to sting still.”
“We were only together like six weeks or so. So how much of a relationship did we actually have?”
“Don’t negate your feelings, Cullen. You need to feel your feels, that’s the only way you’ll be able to move on.”
“Isn’t there a fast forward button or something? Where I can just forget about Sara and the relationship that wasn’t and move on with my life?”
Leslie laughed.
“If only it were that easy, and if it were I’d be out of a job.”
Cullen smiled.
“Yeah, I suppose that’s true.”
“Tell me about the early days with Sara. What attracted you to her in the first place? How did you get together?”
Cullen ran her hands through her hair. She didn’t want to think about those days, much less talk about them. She looked at Leslie who looked like she wasn’t going to let Cullen get away without answering.
“We used to go to the same Chinese restaurant and would see each other waiting for our to-go orders. This went on for months. One evening I decided to eat my dinner there, and she came over and asked if she could join me, and we never looked back.”
“What about her attracted you that night? Was she pretty, smart, funny?”
“All of those things. She was so together. She struck me as a professional woman and I enjoyed talking to her. We went out dancing after that and then back to my place. The rest, as they say, is history. And now, I’ve come to find out, the restaurant we met at is closed. It’s under investigation for drug trafficking.”
“Do you think she was involved in that?” Leslie said.
“I don’t know. Probably. I have no reason to believe she wasn’t.”
“Tell me about your relationship. In the beginning, before you knew she was a drug dealer.”
“Not much to tell. We got along great. We always had fun, but like you said about Julia and me, it was new, fresh, exciting so of course we had fun.”
“Did you ever have any doubts? Anything like that?” Leslie said.
“I don’t know, maybe. She quit coming to bed with me, and I thought she was just tired of me. Turns out she was a cokehead. She stayed up all night snorting coke.”
“I’m sorry, Cullen.”
“Thanks.”
“Okay, we need to find a way to help you get over her.”
“I am.”
“Fine, we need to help you through the stages of grief.”
“What stage am I at?”
“Anger. That’s the third stage, so you’re moving in the right direction.”
“Good for me.”
“Do you exercise, Cullen?”
“I used to. I don’t have time anymore.”
“Make some time. I want you to work out or just walk. But I want you to do something physical that can clear your head.”
“Seriously?”
“I’m dead serious. Okay, time’s up for today. I’ll see you Monday. Have a good weekend and make some time for yourself.”
“Yes, ma’am. I will.”
Julia sat at their table in Santeria. She was hungry and excited to hear how Cullen’s appointment had gone. She missed her the night before but understood that work was a priority. She just hated to think of her working too hard. She needed to take care of herself, but she was sure her therapist would have told her that so Julia would keep her mouth shut.
Her heart did a somersault when she saw Cullen walk through the front door. She looked haggard, but still had that cocky stride that Julia loved. Julia stood and kissed her cheek.
“So good to see you,” she said.
“Likewise. I’m glad I’m not working until midnight tonight.” She laughed.
“Tell me you didn’t work more after we got off the phone last night.”
“I didn’t. I crashed. Hard. It felt good to sleep like the dead.”
“That’s great. So, how was your appointment?”
“It was good. Turns out I’m not hung up on Sara after all, so you can rest assured.”
“Cullen I don’t think you’re still hu
ng up on her per se. I just think you have feelings about her you need to work through.”
“It turns out I’m mourning the loss of the relationship,” Cullen said.
“Okay, that makes sense. I mean, I can see that. So we just have to play a waiting game?”
“Pretty much. I’m making progress already through the grief process and I’m going to start exercising again. Leslie said that would help.”
“Right on. That’s great, babe.”
Dinner passed too quickly and Julia wasn’t ready to say good night.
“Want to come over to my place for a nightcap?” she asked.
“No, thanks. I mean, I appreciate the offer, but I should get home.”
“I miss you, Cullen. I miss kissing you for hours on end. Are you sure you won’t come over?”
“Let’s go make out in your car for a while. Then I really need to head home.”
Julia loved the way Cullen kissed her. When their mouths were together, Julia forgot everything else in the world. Nothing mattered except the feelings Cullen elicited. When Cullen finally broke the last kiss, Julia wanted to cry.
“Are you sure you have to go?” she whispered.
“Positive. If we kiss anymore, I’ll end up at your place and I won’t stop at kissing. Tell me good night and I’ll see you after work tomorrow.”
“Okay.”
Julia kissed her one more time then watched Cullen leave her car and walk to her truck. Her hormones were on overdrive and she was shaking all over. She took a deep breath and started her car. She drove home still aroused and very lonely.
She woke before her alarm the next morning, but she’d hardly slept at all. She was too keyed up. She needed Cullen so completely. She didn’t want to wait anymore, logic be damned. She wanted Cullen to make love to her and she wanted to please Cullen. She wanted to please her in such a way that she completely forgot about Sara and the way she’d hurt her.
But she knew that wasn’t going to happen and it shouldn’t. She knew that in her head, but her body certainly had other ideas. She took a shower, drank her coffee, and even made herself breakfast.
When she could put it off no longer, she drove to the station for another day she was sure would lead to frustration over Sara’s cases. She went over every last detail a few more times, making sure her cases were airtight. She just had to find her. How the hell was she going to do that?
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