What did you do to Yeine? she cried. I had never in my life seen her so angry. What foulness did the Arameri put you up to? She is mine, she belongs to us, you had no right!
Nahadoth laughed then, and the whiplashing rage in that sound sent a chill down my spine. Had I thought him merely an embittered slave, a pitiable creature burdened by grief? I was a fool.
You think this temple protects you? he hissed. Only then did I realize he had not actually stepped over the threshold. Have you forgotten that your people once worshipped me here, too?
He stepped into Sar-enna-nem.
The rugs beneath my knees vanished. The floor, which had been planks of wood, disintegrated; underneath was a mosaic of polished semiprecious tiles, stones of every color interspersed with squares of gold. I gasped as the columns shuddered and the bricks exploded into nothingness and suddenly I could see the Three Windows, not just Sun but Moon and Twilight, too. I had never realized they were meant to be viewed together. We had lost so much. And all around us stood the statues of beings so perfect, so alien, so familiar, that I wanted to weep for all of Siehs lost brothers and sisters, Enefas loyal children, slaughtered like dogs for trying to avenge their mothers murder. I understand. All of you, I understand so much
And then the torchlight went out and the air creaked and I turned to see that Nahadoth had changed as well. Nights darkness now filled that end of Sar-enna-nem, but it was not like my first night in Sky. Here, fueled by the residue of ancient devotion, he showed me all he had once been: first among gods, sweet dream and nightmare incarnate, all things beautiful and terrible. Through a hurricane swirl of blue-black unlight I caught a glimpse of moon-white skin and eyes like distant stars; then they warped into something so unexpected that my brain refused to interpret it for an instant. But the library embossing had warned me, hadnt it? A womans face shone at me from the darkness, proud and powerful and so breathtaking that I yearned for her as much as I had for him, and it did not seem strange at all that I did so. And then the face shifted again into something that in no way resembled human, something tentacled and toothed and hideous, and I screamed. Then there was only darkness where his face should have been, and that was most frightening of all.
He stepped forward again. I felt it: an impossible, invisible vastness moved with him. I heard the walls of Sar-enna-nem groan, too flimsy to contain such power. The whole world could not contain this. I heard the sky above Darr rumble with thunder; the ground beneath my feet trembled. White teeth gleamed amid the darkness, sharp like wolves. That was when I knew I had to act, or the Nightlord would kill my grandmother right before my eyes.
Right before my
* * *
Right before my eyes she lies, sprawled and naked and bloody
this is not flesh this is all you can comprehend
but it means the same thing as flesh, she is dead and violated, her perfect form torn in ways that should not be possible, should not be and who has done this? Who could have
what did it mean that he made love to me before driving the knife home?
and then it hits: betrayal. I had known of his anger, but never once did I imagine never once had I dreamt I had dismissed her fears. I thought I knew him. I gather her body to mine and will all of creation to make her live again. We are not built for death. But nothing changes, nothing changes, there was a hell that I built long ago and it was a place where everything remained the same forever because I could imagine nothing more horrific, and now I am there.
Then others come, our children, and all react with equal horror
in a childs eyes, a mother is god
but I can see nothing of their grief through the black mist of my own. I lay her body down but my hands are covered in her blood, our blood, sister lover pupil teacher friend otherself, and when I lift my head to scream out my fury, a million stars turn black and die. No one can see them, but they are my tears.
* * *
I blinked.
Sar-enna-nem was as it had been, shadowed and quiet, its splendor hidden again beneath bricks and dusty wood and old rugs. I stood in front of my grandmother, though I did not remember getting up or moving. Nahadoths human mask was back in place, his aura diminished to its usual quiet drift, and once again he was staring at me.
I covered my eyes with one hand. I cant take much more of this.
Y-Yeine? My grandmother. She put a hand on my shoulder. I barely noticed.
Its happening, isnt it? I looked up at Nahadoth. What you expected. Her soul is devouring my own.
No, said Nahadoth very softly. I dont know what this is.
I stared at him and could not help myself. All the shock and fear and anger of the past few days bubbled up, and I burst out laughing. I laughed so loudly that it echoed from Sar-enna-nems distant ceiling; so long that my grandmother peered at me in concern, no doubt wondering if I had gone mad. I probably had, because suddenly my laughter turned to screaming and my mirth ignited as white-hot rage.
How can you not know? I shrieked at Nahadoth. I had lapsed into Senmite again. Youre a god! How can you not know?
His calm stoked my fury higher. I built uncertainty into this universe, and Enefa wove that into every living being. There will always be mysteries beyond even we gods understanding
I launched myself at him. In the interminable second that my mad rage lasted, I saw that his eyes flicked to my approaching fist and widened in something very like amazement. He had plenty of time to block or evade the blow. That he did not was a complete surprise.
The smack of it echoed as loud as my grandmothers gasp.
In the ensuing silence, I felt empty. The rage was gone. Horror had not yet arrived. I lowered my hand to my side. My knuckles stung.
Nahadoths head had turned with the blow. He lifted a hand to his lip, which was bleeding, and sighed.
I must work harder to keep my temper around you, he said. You have a memorable way of chastising me.
He lifted his eyes, and suddenly I knew he was remembering the time I had stabbed him. I have waited so long for you, he had said then. This time, instead of kissing me, he reached out and touched my lips with his fingers. I felt warm wetness and reflexively licked, tasting cool skin and the metallic salt of his blood.
He smiled, his expression almost fond. Do you like the taste?
* * *
Not of your blood, no.
But your finger was another matter.
* * *
Yeine, said my grandmother again, breaking the tableau. I took a deep breath, marshaled my wits, and turned back to her.
Are the neighboring kingdoms allying? I asked. Are they arming for war?
She swallowed before nodding. We received formal notice this week, but there had been earlier signs. Our merchants and diplomats were expelled from Menchey almost two months ago. They say old Gemd has passed a conscription law to boost the ranks of his army, and hes accelerated training for the rest. The council believes hell march in a week, maybe less.
Two months ago. I had been summoned to Sky only a short while before that. Scimina had guessed my purpose the instant Dekarta summoned me.
And it made sense she had chosen to act through Menchey. Menchey was Darrs largest and most powerful neighbor, once our greatest enemy. We had been at peace with the Mencheyev since the Gods War, but only because the Arameri had been unwilling to grant either land permission to annihilate the other. But as Ras Onchi had warned me, things had changed.
Of course they had submitted a formal war petition. They would want the right to shed our blood.
I would hope we had begun to muster forces as well, in the time since, I said. It was no longer my place to give orders; I could only suggest.
My grandmother sighed. As best we could. Our treasury is so depleted we can barely afford to feed them, much less train and equip. No one will lend us funds. Weve resorted to asking for volunteersany woman with a horse and her own weapons. Men as well, if theyre not yet fathers.
It was very bad if
the council had resorted to recruiting men. By tradition men were our last line of defense, their physical strength bent toward the single and most important task of protecting our homes and children. This meant the council had decided that our only defense was to defeat the enemy, period. Anything else meant the end of the Darre.
Ill give you what I can, I said. Dekarta watches everything I do, but I have wealth now, and
No. Beba touched my shoulder again. I could not remember the last time she had touched me without reason. But then, I had never seen her leap to protect me from danger, either. It pained me that I would die young and never truly know her.
Look to yourself, she said. Darr is not your concern, not any longer.
I scowled. It will always be
You said yourself they would use us to hurt you. Look whats happened just from your effort to restore trade.
I opened my mouth to protest that this was merely their excuse, but before I could, Nahadoths head turned sharply east.
The sun comes, he said. Beyond Sar-enna-nems entry arch, the sky was pale; night had faded quickly.
I cursed under my breath. I will do what I can. Then, on impulse, I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around her and held her tight, as I had never dared to do before in my whole life. She held stiff against me for a moment, surprised, but then sighed and rested her hands on my back.
So much like your father, she whispered. Then she pushed me away gently.
Nahadoths arm folded around me, surprisingly gentle, and I found my back pressed against the human solidity of the body within his shadows. Then the body was gone and so was Sar-enna-nem, and all was cold and darkness again.
I reappeared in my room in Sky, facing the windows. The sky here was still mostly dark, though there was a hint of pale against the distant horizon. I was alone, to my surprise, but also to my relief. It had been a very long, very difficult day. Without undressing I lay downbut sleep did not come immediately. I lay where I was awhile, reveling in the silence, letting my mind rest. Like bubbles in still water, two things rose to the surface of my thoughts.
My mother had regretted her bargain with the Enefadeh. She had sold me to them, but not without qualm. I found it perversely comforting that she had tried to kill me at birth. That seemed like her, choosing to destroy her own flesh and blood rather than let it be corrupted. Perhaps she had only decided to accept me on her termslater, without the heady rush of new motherhood to color her feelings. When she could look into my eyes and see that one of the souls in them was my own.
The other thought was simpler, yet far less comforting.
Had my father known?
17
Relief
DURING THOSE NIGHTS, those dreams, I saw through a thousand eyes. Bakers, blacksmiths, scholars, kingsordinary and extraordinary, I lived their lives every night. But as with all dreams, I now remember only the most special.
In one, I see a darkened, empty room. There is almost no furniture. An old table. A messy, half-ragged pile of bedding in one corner. A marble beside the bedding. No, not a marble; a tiny, mostly blue globe, its nearer face a mosaic of brown and white. I know whose room this is.
Shhh, says a new voice, and abruptly there are people in the room. A slight figure, half-draped across the lap of another body that is larger. And darker. Shhh. Shall I tell you a story?
Mmm, says the smaller one. A child. Yes. More beautiful lies, Papa, please.
Now, now. Children are not so cynical. Be a proper child, or you will never grow big and strong like me.
I will never be like you, Papa. That is one of your favorite lies.
I see tousled brown hair. A hand strokes it, long-fingered and graceful. The father? I have watched you grow these long ages. In ten thousand years, a hundred thousand
And will my sun-bright father open his arms when I have grown so great, and welcome me to his side?
A sigh. If he is lonely enough, he might.
I dont want him! Fitfully, the child moves away from the stroking hand and looks up. His eyes reflect the light like those of some nocturnal beast. I will never betray you, Papa. Never!
Shhh. The father bends, laying a gentle kiss on the childs forehead. I know.
And the child flings himself forward then, burying his face in soft darkness, weeping. The father holds him, rocking him gently, and begins to sing. In his voice I hear echoes of every mother who has ever comforted her child in the small hours, and every father who has ever whispered hopes into an infants ear. I do not understand the pain I perceive, wrapped around both of them like chains, but I can tell that love is their defense against it.
It is a private moment; I am an intruder. I loosen invisible fingers, and let this dream slip through them and away.
* * *
I felt the poor sleep keenly when I dragged myself awake well into the next day. The inside of my head felt muddy, congealed. I sat on the edge of the bed with my knees drawn up, gazing through the windows at a bright, clear noon sky and thinking, I am going to die.
I am going to DIE.
In seven daysno, six now.
Die.
I am ashamed to admit that this litany went on for some time. The seriousness of my situation had not sunk in before; impending death had taken second place to Darrs jeopardy and a celestial conspiracy. But now I had no one yanking on my soul to distract me, and all I could think of was death. I was not yet twenty years old. I had never been in love. I had not mastered the nine forms of the knife. I had nevergods. I had never really lived, beyond the legacies left to me by my parents: ennu, and Arameri. It seemed almost incomprehensible that I was doomed, and yet I was.
Because if the Arameri did not kill me, I had no illusions about the Enefadeh. I was the sheath for the sword they hoped to draw against Itempas, their sole means of escape. If the succession ceremony was postponed, or if by some miracle I succeeded in becoming Dekartas heir, I was certain the Enefadeh would simply kill me. Clearly, unlike other Arameri, I had no protection against harm by them; doubtless that was one of the alterations they had applied to my blood sigil. And killing me might be the easiest way for them to free Enefas soul with minimal harm. Sieh might mourn the necessity of my death, but no one else in Sky would.
So I lay on the bed and trembled and wept and might have continued to do so for the rest of the dayone-sixth of my remaining lifeif there had not come a knock at the door.
That pulled me back to myself, more or less. I was still wearing the clothes Id slept in from the day before; my hair was mussed; my face was puffy and my eyes red. I hadnt bathed. I opened the door a crack to see Tvril, to my great dismay, with a tray of food in one hand.
Greetings, Cousin He paused, took a second look at me, and scowled. What in demons happened to you?
N-nothing, I mumbled, then tried to close the door. He slapped it open with his free hand, pushing me back and stepping inside. I would have protested, but the words died in my throat as he looked me up and down with an expression that would have made my grandmother proud.
Youre letting them win, arent you? he asked.
I think my mouth might have dropped open. He sighed. Sit down.
I closed my mouth. How do you
I know nearly everything that happens in this place, Yeine. The upcoming ball, for example, and what will happen afterward. Halfbloods usually arent told, but I have connections. He gently took me by the shoulders. Youve found out, too, I suspect, which is why youre sitting here going to rot.
On another occasion I would have been pleased that hed finally called me by my name. Now I shook my head dumbly and rubbed my temples where a weary ache had settled. Tvril, you dont
Sit down, you silly fool, before you pass out and I have to call Viraine. Which, incidentally, you dont want me to do. His remedies are effective but highly unpleasant. He took my hand and guided me over to my table.
I came because they told me you hadnt ordered breakfast or a midday meal, and I thought you might be starving yourself again. Sitti
ng me and the tray down, he picked up a dish of some sort of sectioned fruit, speared a piece on a fork, and thrust this at my face until I ate it. You seemed a sensible girl when you first came here. Gods know this place has a way of knocking the sense out of a person, but I never expected you to yield so easily. Arent you a warrior, or something like that? The rumors have you swinging through trees half-naked with a spear.
I glared at him, affront cutting through my muddle. Thats the stupidest thing youve ever said to me.
So youre not dead yet. Good. He took my chin between his fingers, peering into my eyes. And they havent defeated you yet. Do you understand?
I jerked away from him, clinging to my anger. It was better than despair, if just as useless. You dont know what youre talking about. My people I came here to help them, and instead theyre in more danger because of me.
Yes, so Ive heard. You do realize that both Relad and Scimina are consummate liars, dont you? Nothing youve done caused this. Sciminas plans were set in motion long before you ever arrived in Sky. Thats how this family does things. He held a hunk of cheese to my mouth. I had to bite off a piece, chew it, and swallow just to get his hand out of the way.
If thats He pushed more fruit at me; I batted the fork aside and the fruit flew off somewhere near my bookcases. If thats true, then you know theres nothing I can do! Darrs enemies are preparing to attack. My land is weak; we cant fight off one army, let alone however many are gathering against us!
He nodded, sober, and held up a new chunk of fruit for me. That sounds like Relad. Scimina is usually more subtle. But it could be either of them, frankly. Dekarta hasnt given them much time to work, and they both get clumsy under pressure.
The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms Page 17