The Perfect Present

by Larissa de Silva

  I shake my head again. “No--”

  “It’s okay, Jess,” he says. “It’s what had to happen. If I had to do it all over again, I would do the same thing.”

  I open my mouth to answer, but I just feel like sobbing, so I shut it and drink the rest of my coffee. We sit there, in an uncomfortable silence, for what feels like a very long time.

  “I should go home,” I say.

  “I can drive--”

  “I’m good,” I say. “The painkillers kicked in. I can walk. Thanks for all your help, Rudy.”

  “Jess--”

  “Thank you,” I say again, looking right at him. “It was nice seeing you. Maybe I’ll see you around again before I go, huh?”

  I’m not going anywhere, but he doesn’t need to know that. He doesn’t need to know anything, and right then, I just need to get away from him.

  CHAPTER NINE

  JESS

  Getting home hurts, but I don’t care. My parents aren’t home, which I’m grateful for. I don’t know if I could deal with my mom prying about this right now. She’s definitely going to want a report on Rudy. It hurts to walk home, but my pride is more wounded than anything else. The ramp was perfectly serviceable, but when I got to my room, I close the door behind me. I don’t want to talk about Rudy. I don’t want to think about Rudy.

  I want to forget about him, and I want to forget about all the big aspirations I had when I came home. We were lucky to keep the house, but how lucky we were, I can’t help but wonder what it would’ve been like if we had a more modest house, but at least one with a back door.

  Rudy doesn’t understand. I don’t know if I can blame him. My parents are very good at keeping up appearances. They’re good at talking me up, even when my accomplishments are nothing to be proud of. Rudy is a doctor, his profession is laudable. Not just that, it’s hard. I never doubted that Rudy could do anything he said his mind to, I just didn’t think it was going to be medicine. It shouldn’t have surprised me.

  I could have asked. What made him interested in it. What made it seem like a career worth pursuing. But I didn’t think we were going to talk again. Not after what had just happened.

  I grab my phone and call Kim, my best friend. She’s a Canadian who lives in London and works as a banker. She might be the most ambitious person I’ve ever met. She also happens to be in the most enviable marriage I’ve ever seen. I’ve never managed to figure out how, but she seems to have her shipped together, so she’s the president go to for advice.

  She answers almost immediately. “Jess! Are you okay?”

  “Yes. Why?”

  “You said you were going to call as soon as you could.”

  I laugh, though there is no humor in my voice. “I am. Believe it or not.”

  “I don’t believe it,” she says. She’s clearly concerned. “What’s wrong?”

  “I don’t even know where to start.”

  “Start anywhere. Tell me what’s going on.”

  I bite my lower lip. “Do you remember a long time ago, when I told you about my high school boyfriend?”

  “Yes. Oh, I think his name is Cody? Something like that?”

  “No. Close. Rudy.”

  “Right. Rudy. What about him?”

  I sigh, crumple up in bed and hug my legs before I answer her question. “I ran into him.”

  “Okay…”

  “Everything was fine at first. It was great at first. I loved seeing him. I mean, it was a little bit awkward, because he found me in a weird situation.”

  “What kind of weird situation?” She asks. I can tell she’s puttering around in the kitchen, which surprises me. She should be at work. She would normally be there.

  “I fell into the rotted wood of the porch outside,” I reply.

  “You fell into—”

  “Yes,” I reply. “Yeah. And he rescued me. He literally pulled me out of a hole.”

  She chuckles. I can hear her kettle whistle. “One second,” she says. “Right. Okay. Sounds romantic.”

  “It was. That’s part of the problem. It shouldn’t have been as romantic as it was.”

  She tuts. “Why not?”

  “Because I found out the truth today, you know, the truth about him.”

  She considers this for a second before she speaks. “Wait,” she says. “He told you why he dumped you?”

  “Yeah. He did. And it was worse than I could have ever imagined.”

  “No! What did he say?”

  “He said he wanted to let me go,” I reply. “He said that he broke up with me for my own good.”

  She doesn’t say anything to that.

  I clear my throat before I speak. “I just… I always thought it was because he didn’t want to me. Because he didn’t want to spend any more time with me. He thought I was going to break up with him.”

  “Were you?”

  “No. I was going to tell him to come with me.”

  “Wait. What?”

  “I was going to study far away,” I say. “And I was going to ask him to come with me.”

  “Does he know that?”

  “No. And now he’ll never know.”

  “That doesn’t seem fair.”

  “Right,” I say. “Well, life isn’t fair.”

  “Where’s the lie?” she asks.

  “I don’t know what I should do. I don’t want to be this sad about it, but…”

  “Sweetie, listen,” she says. “If you want to be with him, shouldn’t you give yourself that chance?”

  I close my eyes. “I barely know him, Kim.”

  “If only there was some way to fix that,” she replies. I hear her taking a sip of something.

  “Why aren’t you at work, K?”

  “I’m sick,” she replies. “The flu.”

  “You sound fine.”

  “I’m on a lot of medication,” she replies. “My throat hurts and I can hardly function.”

  “Shit. I should’ve asked. I’m sorry, I’m being selfish.”

  “I have the flu,” she replies. “I’m not dying or anything. It sounds like you’re having a worse time than me.”

  “Well, before we start comparing tragedies, tell me how everything is going at work.”

  “Oh, right…”

  She talks to me for a while, and the distraction does do me some good. By the time she hangs up, I feel a little better. And her words keep going around in my head. Maybe Kim is right. Maybe I should give myself the chance.

  CHAPTER TEN

  RUDY

  I drive around for a bit before I go check in on my dad. He’s asleep and I don’t want to disturb him so I decide to go to the park and walk around for a bit instead. Normally, I would go to the gym in my spare time, but I’m drained. I need time to think about what happened with Jess in the morning.

  I always thought that Jess knew why I had done what I had done, but she seemed shell shocked to learn about it, and my heart dropped to my stomach when I saw her face. I wanted to reach out to her and wipe her tears away, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t reach out and touch her, because of all the history between us. I could tell how angry she was at me and all I wanted was to make her feel better.

  But there was a part of me that was furious, too. Because she didn’t know the truth, and because she was so shocked by my reason to break up with her. She should’ve known. There was no way she couldn’t have known. That’s what I had always thought, and to see the pain in her eyes, to see how hurt she was, it upset me. It made me feel like I made her feel small, which was never my intention.

  I found a bench and sat down. I grabbed my phone out of my pocket and thumbed through article after article about things I didn’t care about. After fifteen minutes had passed, my heart was still in my stomach, and I knew I had to talk to Jess.

  I open my contact list, but of course, I don’t have Jess’ number. I know how to reach her parents, of course, but I don’t want to reach them. I don’t even know if she’ll still be in her house, and I don’t e
ven know what I could possibly say to her. I’ve told her everything I’ve needed to tell her, and all I’ve managed to do is make her sad. I feel bad, because it feels like I’m lying to my dad, but waiting for Jess hasn’t done me any good. In fact, it has been nothing but an illusion, one that hasn’t necessarily served me well.

  I need to stop thinking about Jess Hart. I need to move on with my life and forget about her, forget about what we could’ve been. My dad probably doesn’t care if I’m with Jess Hart specifically, he probably just wants me not to be alone.

  I scroll to my dating app. I never use it--I only installed it because Atlanta got lonely and it was nice to be able to meet women when I was working ninety percent of the time--and I haven’t even thought about it since I’ve gotten to town. I haven’t really opened the app at all. Dating has, in fact, been the furthest thing from my mind.

  Not with Jess here, of course. The truth is, the moment I saw her, helpless as she was, I wanted to ask her out on a date. I don’t know what that says about me, but it can’t be good.

  I close my eyes. “Stop it,” I tell myself under my breath. “No more thinking about her.”

  I don’t even want to say her name. I feel like it would sound wrong in my mouth, like the sound would be somehow a form of betrayal. My betrayal, her betrayal, I don’t know, and it doesn’t matter. Jess Hart doesn’t matter in my life. She can’t, and she will not, matter. I can’t allow her to.

  I think the dating app is going to make me feel a little better, but it doesn’t. I’m scrolling past a bunch of beautiful girls, all of them interesting in their own way, and not one of them seems to catch my eye.

  There’s only one profile where I even pause, but not because she’s making me forget Jess. It’s just because I think that I might know her.

  She’s a pretty girl. Her profile is a picture of her face, with long blonde in a braid over her shoulder, and brown eyes that are staring right into the camera.

  I swipe right on her. She’s not Jess, but there’s nothing wrong with her. I’m about to put my phone down when I hear a notification sound. She has already gotten back to me. I do a double take as I look at her name. It is why thought it was. Laura Hammargren. I knew her in school, but we didn’t really talk to each other that much. I see her message on my screen, and it’s nice. Nicer than I expected.

  Hey. I heard you were back in town. I haven’t seen you around yet, but I have no doubt I will.

  I smile. I have no doubt you will, either.

  Are you back in town for a while?

  I consider this for a long minute. After the inevitable happens with my dad, there’s nothing keeping me here. Absolutely nothing. But I have no idea when that’ll be. Could be weeks, could be months. I just hope it’s good quality time. That’s all I can ask for. I don’t know how long I’ll be here for. I type back what seems like the most innocuous, most truthful response. Definitely staying home for the holidays.

  It’s wild, isn’t it?

  I like that she replies instantly. It makes me smile. It is. Who’d have thought Cassadaga was such a popular Christmas destination?

  Right? I always wanted to pitch a Santa-Psychic hybrid. I always thought that would be a really profitable business.

  I laugh, shaking my head. You should be in charge of this town.

  That’s what I keep saying, she replies. Do you want to go get some coffee or something? I’m sure you are really busy with the holidays and everything but it might be nice to talk to someone that isn't all about this freakin’ town. Or, you know, trying to tell me my future.

  How do you know I won’t try to tell you your future? I respond.

  A doctor and a psychic? Cool.

  I like Laura. She’s smart, and she’s funny and she clearly all the pertinent of the conversation. There’s nothing wrong with her. I’m enjoying talking to her, in fact, but she isn’t Jess, and the fact that she’s not Jess deeply saddens me. I don’t know if I want to go have coffee with her. I don’t know if I want to do anything with her. But this is the commitment I made to my father. I promised him I would not be alone.

  Jess Fuckin’ Hart doesn’t get to get in the way of that.

  Sounds good, I type, even though it doesn’t. When is good for you?

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  RUDY

  Turns out that right then is good for Laura. I check in with the nurses at hospice. My dad is still okay, his condition doesn’t seem to have worsened, but he’s still asleep, and I have the whole day to myself. I could spend all of my time wallowing and worrying about Jess and my father, or I could take her up on her offer to go for coffee.

  When I think about it like that, the solution is perfectly obvious. I get in my car and meet up with her in a strip mall near the psychic center of town. The town has been a little spruced up since I was here last, with little poke bowl places, and boba tea stores. There are fairy lights hanging on the columns near the walking path, and it’s cool enough that sitting outside isn’t impossible. I only have to wait for her for a few minutes before I hear heels clacking on the floor. I look up to see a very well put-together woman, with long blonde hair and big eyes. Her lipstick is a deep shade of red and she’s wearing figure-hugging jeans and a velvet-colored shirt with a surprising amount of cleavage.

  She looks great, but I can barely look at her. The moment she arrives and smiles at me, I realize that I don’t want to be here. She seems great, but she’s not Jess, and I already miss Jess. I miss her smell, I miss the way she looks, and even while she hasn’t spent time dressing up and putting make-up on her face, I think she’s the most beautiful girl in the world.

  Fuck. No. Jess doesn’t want me, and this girl does, and that’s the only thing that matters right now. I paint a smile on my face, hard as it is, and stand up to greet her.

  She hugs me before she says anything. She smells like peaches and hair spray. “Hey,” she says as she sits down across from me. “I’m so glad you were available. I thought you’d be really busy because of the holidays.”

  “I thought you would be,” I reply. “Are you ready for Christmas?”

  She smiles, tilts her head. “Not really,” she says. “What about you?”

  “Not this Christmas,” I say.

  She nods. She’s about to say something else when a waiter comes take our order. A mocha for her, a cappuccino for me. I stare until he disappears from view.

  “This is a fancy coffee place,” I say, furrowing my brow.

  “The fanciest,” she says. “You should try their waffles.”

  “Are those good?”

  “Very good,” she replies. “If you like sweets. Do you like sweets? It doesn’t look like you eat a lot of sweets.”

  I laugh. “I don’t, normally,” I say. And I haven’t been very hungry lately, but I don’t tell her that.

  “Well, I like sweet things,” she says, then looks right into my eyes. “Do you like sweet things?”

  I swallow, look down at my coffee and feel my cheeks burning. I shouldn’t have done this. I should have never agreed to go out with her. I’m not having a good time, and there’s nothing wrong with him. She seems like a nice, funny, interesting girl. She deserves better. I don’t want to use her.

  “What?” she asks, her head cocked, her brow furrowed.

  “What do you mean?”

  “There’s something on your mind,” she says. “You’re not really here.”

  I swallow, lick my lips, and look for the waiter again as I wonder where my damn coffee is. “I’m right here,” I say.

  She sits back on her chair, her back straight up. “Don’t bullshit me,” she replies. “Look, people don’t go on dates, even coffee dates, immediately as soon as they set them up if things are going well in their life. Especially someone like you.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “You’re Rudy Steele,” she says. “Dr. Steele. The most eligible bachelor this side of 441. We both know that you’re the kind of man any single woman in Cassadaga
would like to date.”

  “I don’t want to date any woman,” I reply, almost automatically, then scoff. “Honestly, I hardly have time to date.”

  “But you’re making time. You’re making time right now.”

  “Yes,” he replies. “But so are you. And you don’t seem ineligible.”

  She puts her hand over her chest. “My heart,” she says. “You really are very good at compliments.”

  I glare at her.

  “I mean, look,” she says. “This is the first Christmas I’m going to spend alone after years with the same person. I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that I’m not lonely right now. But I’m more than just lonely, okay? I’m way more than just that. And I’m going to take every chance to prove it.”

  I smile at her. I can’t help but like her. She’s got chutzpah. “Yeah,” I say. “I get that.”

  She shakes her head. She’s about to start talking when the waiter arrives and sets our coffees in front of us. She doesn’t say anything, but she’s staring right at me, not saying anything, waiting for me. To say something. To do something. I wait until the waiter is out of earshot before I say anything to her.

  “What?” I ask.

  “You,” she motions toward me. “You’re not here. The least you can do is tell me where you are.”

  I lick my lips, then sigh before I speak. “I don’t know,” I say. “I guess I’m... I guess I’m in a lot of different places at once.”

  She nods. She takes a sip of her coffee. “You want to be more specific?”

  “No. But there’s something you should know. Something I need to tell you.”

  She looks at me. She’s holding her mocha in her hands, warming them. Her eyes are wide. “Okay. What is it?”

  “A girl.”

  She nods again. “I figured as much. Is it serious?”

  “No.” It’s not a lie. We aren’t even together. We haven’t been together for a very long time. “It’s more like crush.”

  “Can you get over it?”