by Cassie James
How long can I really expect this to last when I’ve got nothing else to offer? This is all that I am, and all that I’ll ever be. How could we ever hope to build a real relationship around that?
I already know the answer.
We can’t.
As I stand in the middle of the living room staring at my phone, I start to second-guess this plan. Obviously, I need to have a conversation with these guys, which is why I asked all three of them to meet here at Tyler’s place. But now that I’m actually here getting ready to do this, I’m realizing that I have no idea how to make them see things my way. They’re all so hard-headed. This isn’t going to be easy—and I’m already having a hard time keeping my thoughts straight in my head.
You’re picking me up in twenty minutes, right?
I stare at my phone like it’s a lifeline, and I find myself wishing that I could take it and just fucking disappear instead of facing all of my insecurities head on. My hands are shaking, and I’m impatiently waiting for Brennan and Jude to get here. Tyler’s in the kitchen grabbing drinks and snacks since I asked him to give me a few minutes alone. I couldn’t handle him asking if everything was okay every couple minutes. Nothing’s okay. My hands fumble as the phone dings, and it slides across the floor and under the coffee table.
I scramble to pick it up as the front door opens and my heart kicks into overdrive again. I huddle on the floor for a short moment, closing my eyes and taking a calming breath as Jude calls out our names and Tyler shouts that he’ll meet us in the living room in just a minute. I clutch my phone to my chest as I push myself up, standing just in time to see Brennan quirking his head to the side and watching me pop up from under the coffee table with wide eyes and wild hair.
I glance at my phone, relief flooding through me at the sight of Macie’s message. For the last freaking time, yes. I’m picking you up in twenty minutes. I won’t be late, and we’ll get to our movie on time. Jesus. She doesn’t know why it’s so important for her to be here on time. I’m going to have one hell of a time explaining it to her later, I’m sure. I didn’t want to tell her ahead of time and give her a chance to talk me out of it.
Jude steps into the room, his eyes finding me immediately. He rounds the coffee table, grabbing me and pulling me in for a kiss.
His lips barely make contact before I’m shying away from his touch. I pull out of his grasp and retreat several steps away. “What the fuck, Piper?” he asks, a deep frown marring his handsome face.
I turn toward the fireplace, studying the framed pictures of the Hamiltons so that I don’t have to face the boys and the looks of confusion I’m sure they’re sporting. I manage to send off a quick thank you text to Macie before a hand wraps around my arm and jerks me back around
“What the fuck is going on, Piper?”
“I—” My mind goes fucking blank. Jude’s eyes narrow, his lips pressing into a thin line as I fail to give him an answer. His grip on my arm tightens painfully, but I still say nothing. After a second, he seems to realize how hard his fingers are pressing into my skin, and he lets go. I take the chance to turn, but bump right into Brennan.
“Pi, what’s going on? Did something happen with Jackie?” Jude scoffs as Brennan questions me softly, and my heart breaks into a thousand pieces. They’re so very different, yet they’re part of the reason I feel whole every day, and here we are… I close my eyes and suck in a shaky breath, willing myself to be strong, to get through this and worry about breaking down later in private, where they can’t try to comfort me—or stop me. I pull away from sweet Brennan.
“What the fuck’s going on in here?” Tyler appears in the doorway.
“You tell us, Hamilton,” Jude snaps, and I inwardly groan. Here we go. “Piper calls us all over to your house, and when we show up, she won’t fucking talk to us or touch us. What did you do?”
I put my hands up for them to stop. “He didn’t do anything,” I say before an unnecessary fight breaks out. I wave my hand toward the couch with half-hearted effort. “Do you guys want to sit?”
“I think we’d prefer it if you’d just tell us what the hell’s going on,” Brennan mutters. My heart hurts, and I know his Mom’s going to probably try to fucking murder me after this, but I can’t afford to really think about that at the moment.
I take a deep breath. It’s now or never, and never’s not an option.
“I think we need to talk about what we’re doing here.” Jude opens his mouth, and I’m sure he’s getting ready to spout some real smartass response, so I cut him off with a sharp glare. “I mean with our relationship, Jude, not what we’re doing at Tyler’s house.”
He deflates, but he doesn’t stop staring at me with distrust. I want to reach out to him, or to nod or just fucking do anything to acknowledge that he has a right to be feeling the way he is right now, but I push it down and focus on watching the others react. Tyler’s head cocks slightly, and Brennan’s mouth quirks in a half-smile, as if he’s decided he was assuming the worst and that isn’t what this is. I almost falter then, knowing how much this is going to hurt them, but I steel my reserve and square my shoulders.
Tyler speaks before I get the chance. “What is it, Pipe? I thought we all agreed that we’d just sort of… I don’t know. Figure it all out together?”
“It’s not working,” I blurt out. I could kick my own ass for how hastily it ends up coming out. They all start to take a step closer but I give a sharp shake of my head. “Just—just listen for a minute, okay?”
“No, not okay. What the hell do you mean it’s not working?” Jude snaps. I close my eyes with a groan. It was only a matter of time, honestly. It’s not necessarily that he’s quick to anger, he’s just the one that’s least likely to put up with crap he doesn’t like. “This is bullshit. Why are you freaking the fuck out for no goddamn reason?”
I turn my back to them. It hurts too much to look at them with those dejected looks on their faces. I’m hurting them. I never wanted to hurt them. “I can’t—I won’t—keep asking you guys to make sacrifices to be with me. It’s not fair—”
“Piper,” Tyler tries to cut in. I can’t let him.
“No, listen!” I turn back to them, knowing they’ll never accept my words if I don’t face them head-on. And I’m not going to be a coward right now, not about helping them to move on. To live better lives. Lives that can’t include me anymore. “We had fun together. The push and the pull. The fucking in secret. All that time pretending we didn’t know or care about what I really am. It was fun, but it was only ever temporary. Don’t you all see that? It was never supposed to be more than that.”
“Pi, no.” Brennan’s face is pure devastation. I hate myself. I hate myself so much. But this is the right thing to do. Brennan’s voice cracks as he pleads, “Whatever’s going on, we can work through it.”
“To what end?” I challenge quietly. “What can I actually offer you? You guys get to go to college, and I—what? Sit on a shelf and get dusty? You have your entire lives in front of you, and I’m barely guaranteed tomorrow!”
“You know we’ve been fucking working on that!” Jude bellows as he kicks the solid wood coffee table with enough force to move it several inches. He stalks toward me, but I retreat quickly behind a chair that’s off to the side, putting it between us. I need this distance. I won’t be able to be strong if he gets his hands on me. Jude’s touch turns me stupid. He growls. “Where the fuck is this even coming from? Is it because of the premiere? Because I fucking told you already, no one thought anything, you were being self-conscious for no reason.”
His self-assured tone pisses me off so much I shove the chair in his direction. He barely flinches as it knocks into his legs. “Seriously?” I ask with a scoff, and he has the nerve to look at me with incredulity in his eyes. “Because basically the entire female population at school is just waiting for you all to wake up and realize that I’m not good enough, that I can’t give you what you need. Maybe everything would’ve been okay if you were with
anyone else, but it’s definitely not okay that it’s me.”
“Goddammit, is that what this is about? How many times do we have to fucking tell you that we don’t give a shit that you’re not Piper—that we prefer you the way you are?” he asks, and Tyler and Brennan chime in with sounds of agreement as they nod.
They all keep moving slightly closer, trying to erase the distance between us. I throw my hands out in front of me like I’m trying desperately to create a shield between us.
“This isn’t about me not being Piper, it’s about me not being human.” Every fucking one of them stops dead in their tracks. “There is so much I can never, ever hope to give to you guys, and that’s not fucking fair to any of us. I want you guys to have the lives you deserve, and as much as it guts me, I just don’t think I can ever be a part of that. I don’t want to face a day where you all wake up and realize you wasted your lives on me.”
“Piper, what the fuck?” Jude’s voice is low and dangerous as his eyes flash angrily. “You don’t get to make a decision like this without even fucking talking it through with us. Don’t you think we deserve a goddamn opinion here?”
I offer him a tight-lipped smile as I back away from them, arms still held out in front of me like I’m some kind of stupid goddamned lion tamer at a really fucked up and heart wrenching circus. “I’m sorry, I just—I can’t do this to you guys anymore.” And even though they’re protesting loudly, I tuck tail and fucking book it out of there. Luckily, Macie is right on time and waiting for me in the drive, not even questioning me when I hurriedly tell her to pull away.
Of all the things Stan programmed me to do, I wish he’d never programmed me for heartbreak.
17
Piper
I skip school on Monday, not wanting to face The Thorns. I wander around the house so miserable that even Jackie decides I must be sick somehow. It takes everything I have to convince her she doesn’t need to take me to Stan.
I spend my time doing anything I can to distract myself from answering The Thorns’ calls and texts. Which means when I get the call from Anne asking me to come into her office Tuesday, I know I have to go alone. More than anything, I wish Jude was going with me again, but I know it’s not possible. Asking him to take me would only add insult to injury.
I call a car, instead.
I’m wearing a confident smile that I don’t quite feel as I pull open the heavy front doors to Anne’s building. I smooth my hands over the front of my skirt—and try to make myself stop thinking about how much I still wish Jude was here. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, Piper. This was your decision. The receptionist glances my way, but if she recognizes me from my first visit, she doesn’t show it.
“How can I help you?” she asks with a warm smile, and my nerves settle a little.
“I have an appointment with Anne Kessler,” I answer, offering her the smile I’d practiced all morning in the mirror. The one that didn’t let any of my inner turmoil accidentally slip out onto my face. As the receptionist waves me back, I have to repeat what’s becoming my new mantra: Stop thinking about them. Stop missing them. Stop wishing things were different.
I’m internally repeating my mantra for the fourth time when my brain suddenly blanks on the words. Because there, standing right outside Anne Kessler’s office—and chatting away with the woman in question—is Jude Alton. I’m seconds away from bolting when they both turn and catch sight of me. Jude doesn’t seem to react at all at the sight of me, and I try to tell myself it’s for the best even as it feels like my heart is being twisted in my chest.
I force myself to look at Anne as she steps forward and offers me her hand. “Nice to see you again, Piper. Thanks for coming in on such short notice.”
I nod wordlessly in response, desperately trying to fight the urge to look at Jude again. My heart is fucking pounding against my ribcage, which is more than enough of a reminder of how I ruined things just a few days ago. Anne continues trying to make small talk as she gestures our little group back into her office. She holds the door open and stands back to let me pass. My brain stutters to another screeching halt as a familiar face turns our way.
“What’s he doing here?” I ask, my voice coming out nastier than I intended. Roman stands, shoving his hands into the pockets of his slacks as he offers me a tentative smile. I take a surprised step back as nervous panic wells within me, but I hit a solid wall of muscle. Jude clamps a hand down on my shoulder, keeping me from bailing.
Jude. Jude did this. He’s so mad about me breaking up with him that he told Roman everything and now I’ll never be free of Jackie. It’s the only explanation.
“Piper,” Roman says my name softly, as if he’s not here to rip the rug right out from under me.
I try to dig my heels in as Jude nudges me forward. He’s too much stronger than me. Helplessly, I can do nothing but try to keep my balance as he uses his body to force me forward. Don’t think about how good he feels, Piper. He betrayed you, you idiot. I get so wrapped up in trying not to think about the physical contact that I forget to watch my feet. He gives me another hard nudge forward and I trip this time. Roman grabs my upper arms to steady me, but lets go as soon as I have my feet under me again.
“Are you okay?” Roman asks. I offer a tight nod, but use the distance from Jude now to skirt away to the side, away from these two men here to ruin the last hope I had.
I look to Anne for some sort of explanation. If Roman’s here to burst my bubble, he could have done that from the comfort of our own home. There was no use dragging all of us down here just so we would have an audience. But Anne gives me a reassuring smile that seems pretty fucking out of place considering the current circumstances.
“Why don’t we all sit, and I’ll answer any questions you might have. Okay, Piper?”
I eye Anne with more than a little trepidation. Is she in on this? She seemed so helpful the last time, but maybe that was all a ruse. Jude is the one paying her—maybe this is what he wanted. To use her to get to me, that way he can ruin me once and for all. Wasn’t that we wanted at first, anyway? When poor 2.0 only wanted his acceptance, he was too busy trying to run her off. Maybe now, he’ll finally get his wish.
Reluctantly, I take the seat next to Roman. It feels like I’m just sitting down to discuss my own execution now. If Jackie knows what I’ve been trying to do… there’s no question she’ll request another reset. And this time, she’ll have much more ammunition to make sure things actually go her way.
And I won’t have The Thorns to save me anymore. C’mon, Piper. Stop thinking about them. Stop missing them. Stop wishing things were different.
Anne clasps her hands over the desk and directs her attention to me. “I asked Roman to be here today,” she says with no build-up whatsoever. Anne invited Roman. Anne invited Roman and there’s very obviously no mention of Jackie. Jackie must not know.
My eyes flicker towards where Jude’s seated on the couch at the back of the office. He catches me looking and his expression darkens for just a second before his mask slips back into place. Shit. I wonder if he knows I was assuming he’d been the one to tattle.
I can’t spend too much time wondering because Anne goes on. “Roman and I have actually known each other for years. I like to think I know what kind of man he is—and that’s the kind that you want in your corner.”
“But—”
She holds her hand up, cutting me off. “I understand you have your reservations, Piper, but I need you to keep an open mind.” I twist my hands nervously in my lap until I realize that I must look like a petulant, nervous child. I need to act like an adult right now. If I don’t, I’m only proving that I’m not really capable of being responsible for myself. I don’t want to give her any reason to think that, especially not now that Roman clearly has the upper-hand.
“I’ve run into two problems I’m afraid. One is that legally, there’s no precedent for lawyer-client confidentiality in cases with no clearly defined client. By definition, being non-huma
n makes it impossible for the eyes of the court to see you as a legal client, no matter whether you’ve paid for my services or not.” I open my mouth to protest, but it’s no use. “I spoke to a judge friend of mine, thinking we could fight that, too, but a case like that would go on for too long and end up far too public. There would be nothing stopping someone from deciding to take other actions by then.”
She raises an eyebrow pointedly. I’m sure she’s talking around the issue as a consideration to Roman, but it’s clear she’s talking about Jackie. If Jackie found out I was trying to secure my own rights, she’d have me reset—or maybe even turned off for good. My chest tightens all over again at the thought.
“There’s also another problem.” God, what the fuck else can go wrong? “Mr. Hyde has a very thorough team of lawyers in his employ. The contract here is ironclad. There are three ways to break it, two of which we ruled out the last time we spoke.”
Roman turns to me curiously. I glance away, not wanting to answer whatever questions I’m sure he probably has right now. In spite of his unwelcome presence, this isn’t about him.
“I assume nothing has changed? The Hawthornes have made no attempts to knowingly damage your hardware or release proprietary information?” I wish I could say yes but I can’t. I give one simple nod to answer her. She heaves a heavy sigh before telling me, “There is a third option that Roman and I discussed before you got here.
I don’t bother letting myself feel any sort of hope right now, not when her tone is this fucking neutral and she has zero emotion in her eyes. Whatever it is, it’s not on the table either. “Which is?”
“That the Hawthornes willingly terminate the experiment and return any and all properties to Stanley Hyde, the rightful owner of said properties.” I’m torn between wanting to feel really fucking sorry for myself and being angry about the fact that Anne is referring to me as the properties. I spare a glance in Roman’s direction, but now he won’t look at me. “Roman feels confident that this isn’t a valid option in your case.”