The Diary Dilemma

by Elle Limpkin

  “Do you want me to come to the hospital tomorrow?”

  He jolted his head to her. “Would you?”

  “Sure.”

  “Thank you,” he said. “I’m sorry I put you through that this evening. I know it couldn’t have been easy for you.”

  Eda refused to admit the possibility that Johan’s worst fears would come true, and the transplant was unsuccessful. Could she leave him to struggle with the illness of his son on his own? Or she’d be unable to remove herself from their lives. Maybe that was love. Binding. Always willing to stay regardless of personal sacrifices.

  “I hate pretending I’m something I’m not,” she eventually answered. “All those people there were so...”

  “I know,” Johan said when she didn’t find the words to finish her sentence. “I won't put you through that again, I promise.”

  ∞∞∞

  The entire way home, Eda had two people on her mind, Johan and JP. Was she a complete fool for not even trying to see where a possible relationship with Johan went?

  There was no point. The cruel reality Eda had learned was that every relationship ended sooner or later.

  Her car paused in front of the traffic light. Maybe the red light hurting her eyes was a sign she should stop. She laughed bitterly. There were no signs, no one to guide her steps. She was in control of her destiny, responsible for every decision, every hurt, every failure.

  Irritated honks coming from the cars behind pulled her back into reality. The light was green. Green means go. She continued her journey home lost in her thoughts, so much that she stood in the middle of her living room, knowing for sure that something had changed but unable to figure out what.

  Eventually, her gaze rested on the suitcases carefully aligned near the entrance, Polly’s blue tank of a piece of luggage and Joe’s smaller carry-on.

  Holding her breath, Eda rushed to Polly’s bedroom, finding her throwing her clothes in another luggage in an order nobody could understand but her. Unable to say a word, she stood in the door frame until Polly turned, startling at her sight.

  “You scared me!” she said, taking a hand to her heart. “How long have you been standing there?”

  “Less than a minute,” Eda said. “What are you doing?”

  Polly eyeballed her with a raised eyebrow. “I’m not leaving mad, don’t worry,” she said, gluing a smile to her face. “There’s been an incident with the boys.”

  Worry reshaped inside Eda’s heart. “What incident?”

  “You know they’ve been staying with Joe’s sister since he came here. Well, my boys and her son had a fight.”

  “Was anyone hurt?”

  Polly pressed all the clothes into a portion of the bag, making room for several make-up products that lay on the bed. The lipstick was the first to go in. “No. But we have to go back. I know my boys. They won’t give up on a fight until they do some serious damage.”

  “You go back with Joe?”

  “Yes.” Polly finished with the items on the bed and started throwing things from the entire room.

  Eda couldn’t believe it was so simple. “Just like that?”

  Polly stopped, holding Eda’s curler in her right hand, apparently without realizing that she was throwing Eda’s things in her luggage together with her own. “No, not just like that. He’s going to work for it, trust me. But it’s...it’s nice to be wanted again. I didn’t feel like this in ages.”

  The curler ended up in the luggage with the rest of the souvenirs.

  “I hope it works out,” Eda whispered. “I want you to be happy.” She didn’t want to impregnate her remark with sadness, but that was how it turned out.

  Polly needed no additional invitation to ask tough questions. “How are things with Johan?”

  “We’re friends, nothing more,” Eda said, tightening her lips so hard they hurt.

  Polly rolled her eyes. “If you two are friends, nothing more, then I was friends, nothing more with Spanky Steve from high school.”

  Eda tried to maintain a serious posture but failed. “Okay, you were definitely not friends, nothing more with Spanky Steve...for about a week.”

  “Good times!” Polly exclaimed.

  Eda’s hopes that she was over the subject faded when her dear friend asked the next question.

  “What are you going to do about it?”

  “I don’t know,” Eda answered.

  “That’s bull! You do know. You’re the most cerebral person I know; I’m sure you’ve decided lots of times what to do.”

  “That’s the problem. I seem unable to stick with what I set out to do.” Eda took a deep breath. “I just...I will wait until JP’s situation is resolved, and I’ll see then what feels right.”

  “What feels right? What feels right? Never in my life have I imagined you’d do something because it feels right. Sweetie trust me. If you wait for things to feel right, your feelings will take you towards Johan. Which is fine with me, by the way. He has my full support—he's more stable than the guys you used to date in Springdale.”

  “It’s not like I had many options then,” Eda said with a smile. “I think you’re right. Johan is stable, mature. Maybe too mature. I don’t think I’m ready for that kind of life.”

  “What life is that exactly?”

  “Your life. Husband, kids, doing laundry, washing dishes, cooking dinner. Don’t take this the wrong way, but I absolutely hate all that.”

  “Your perspective changes when you have to do all these things for the people you love most in the world,” Polly countered. “Plus, you’re going too far ahead. All I’m saying is you should date the guy, not marry him.”

  “Why would I start a journey if I don’t want to get to its end? Would that be fair to Johan or JP?”

  Maintaining this point of view in front of Polly was a struggle in itself. They were so opposite, nobody understood why they were such good friends.

  What could’ve been a debate that lasted for hours was cut short by Joe’s benevolent intervention.

  “You’re not ready yet?” he asked impatiently. “We have to leave in ten minutes, or we will miss our flight.”

  “So soon?” Eda asked, watching Polly trying to do everything at once.

  “Our flight is at midnight. We were lucky we found seats.”

  “I’ll drive you,” Eda said.

  Joe shook his head. “I didn’t know if you’ll be back in time, so I ordered a taxi.”

  They left in a rush, Joe struggling with the luggage while Polly took his carry-on.

  As soon as she closed the door, the loneliness turned into an unbearable pressure making every breath hard. What was wrong with her? She loved being alone.

  Half an Hour

  A night of restless tossing in bed left her unprepared to face the day. Compelled to keep her promise, Eda swallowed the instincts shouting to stay away and ventured into the morning rush. While trying to make her way through the sea of vehicles that seemed to almost climb on top of each other, she was more than grateful that her work hours began later than most, at the same time dreading the fact that she would probably be late.

  And she was. By the time she got to the hospital, waited in line at the reception to get directions, and climbed to the seventh floor, she was ten minutes late.

  Johan was alone in the waiting area, pacing back and forth.

  “Hey. I’m sorry I’m late.”

  “No worries,” he said, halting his incessant trek.

  “Did he come?”

  He pointed at a closed-door with his head. “He’s in there.”

  Every person forced to bring their child to this place had to be in a terrible state of mind, but the hospital did its best to make the experience more comfortable. Wide chairs fit for a king were aligned on one wall, facing a large TV set placed low enough so people could reach and change channels. A vending machine and a coffee dispenser dominated the space in the far end of the room, and the tall plants gave a calming effect.

  None
of that seemed to matter to Johan, and Eda assumed this was true for most parents. After a minute of staring her in the eye, he resumed his rapid pace.

  “Is JP here?” Eda asked, desperately searching for a conversation starter.

  “No. His profile is on file.”

  If there was a way to continue this line of conversation, she couldn’t find it.

  She positioned herself in his path, but he didn’t stop until he was so close she could feel his breath on her cheek. “He’s a match; you’ll see,” she said softly. “Statistically speaking, he has to be.”

  “I wish I were a religious man right about now. Then I could pray.”

  “I don’t think there’s a rule against it even if you’re not,” she replied.

  A quick smile cornered up his lips but vanished, leaving Eda to wonder if it had ever been there or resided only in her imagination. Johan looked so hopeless as he stood there. Until now, he’d fearlessly attacked every obstacle in his path. This last part, the inability to affect what would happen, had to be far worse than anything else.

  She neared even more, wrapping her hands around his neck in a tight embrace. If there was anything that could ease his tension, that had to be it. The moment she felt his body against hers, she doubted the wisdom of her choice, but it was too late to pull back. He wouldn’t let her; he brought her even closer, crushing her body against his.

  After a few Mississippies, she expected to be released, but that didn’t happen. She didn’t have the heart to push him away. The worst part of it all was how much she enjoyed being so close to him that they could almost melt into one person.

  Their position did not change until the door opened loudly near them, and Johan released her so fast she lost her balance.

  Eda tried to deduce the test result by the doctor’s posture. A man in his 50s, he looked professional, someone who knew what he was doing. But his face was inexpressive. His answer could've been anything.

  That until his mouth cornered up. “I’m happy to say we have a perfect match. We can proceed with the transplant.”

  Johan released a deep breath that seemed he had been holding in since the test began and took his hand to his head. “When?”

  “The sooner, the better. I’ve already discussed this with Mr. Reid before he left and decided on tomorrow morning. He seemed eager to get this over with.”

  “Tomorrow is perfect,” Johan said.

  “Excellent. You’ll need to bring Johan Jr. here this evening for pre-op.”

  Eda took a few steps away while they discussed the next steps. While she’d felt an immense weight lifting from her shoulders when the kind doctor gave the test results, the weight soon resumed its position. It wasn’t over yet. There was still one step to take, another one that involved little activity and plenty of waiting.

  After agreeing to return the next day during surgery, Eda and Johan separated in the parking lot, and she raced through the traffic back to work. She had no clue why she was hurrying so much. She had plenty of time. Maybe it was the limitless coffee that awaited.

  Taking her seat at the empty aisle, she feasted on the solitude, imagining she’d be able to replicate working as a freelancer for an hour before the rest of the team arrived.

  Peter, Matilda’s direct supervisor, came by, tearing her plans down.

  “Can I talk to you for a moment?” he asked.

  “Um...sure...”

  Eda followed the boss to a small conference room, wondering what they had to discuss. She couldn’t remember a time when Peter said a word to her directly since she’d worked there and always presumed that he didn’t even know she was under his supervision.

  “I was surprised to see you here so early,” he began as soon as they sat at the table.

  Eda shifted her gaze from the conference room receiver to Peter. “I had something to do very early,” she said as an explanation. “I’m sure you didn’t call me here to discuss my personal affairs.”

  “Right to the point, then. I can do that.” He arranged his tie before continuing. “I wanted to talk to you about your boss.”

  “Matilda?”

  “She’s your boss, isn’t she?”

  “Why do you want to talk to me?” she asked sincerely.

  “Because you’re new here. You come with a fresh perspective. You see, Matilda’s performance isn’t seen as positive by most people.”

  “I noticed.”

  “It can affect their perspective,” he continued.

  “I noticed that too.”

  “You can understand, then, why you’re the best person to discuss this.”

  Not exactly. Peter seemed to neglect her lack of social interaction and inability to know how a good manager was supposed to be. “Discuss what?”

  “I don’t know if you’re aware, but she applied for the position as project manager.”

  “I assumed she would.”

  “Do you think she’d be a good fit?”

  “Do I think--” Eda was barely able to stop her laugh. “Why does it matter what I think?”

  “It matters what the team thinks. Besides, I’m aware you’ve taken a keen interest in her. At this point, you probably know her better than anyone here.”

  The sad part was that he was probably right.

  “If that’s true, it’s because I bothered to try to get to know her when nobody else did. I don’t know her history with the company like everyone else. I had to try to understand her for who she is now. That history seems to force her to create a stronghold of evilness to protect herself from whatever may happen. That’s not who she is.”

  “You didn’t answer my question. Do you think she’s the right fit for the job?”

  Her efforts to avoid answering the direct question didn’t fool Peter. She didn’t want to give an honest answer because she felt a deep sense of loyalty towards Matilda. Yet, Peter’s penetrating glare left her no other options.

  “I suppose that, as with any other decision like this, it depends on who else has applied for the job.”

  Peter let himself on the back of the chair, smiling. “What about you?”

  “Me what?”

  “Why didn’t you apply?”

  With the intense feeling he was mocking her, Eda tensed, grabbing the edge of the desk. “I was just hired.”

  “What has that to do with it?” he asked.

  “I don’t have any management experience,” she argued.

  “It’s not worse than bad management experience. Besides, that’s not entirely true. I understand you were in charge of big projects as a freelancer, which involved contracting other people to do part of the job. Your clients seemed very happy with your services.” Peter leaned over the table. “I checked.”

  “That’s different. Those contractors had to do their job, or they risked bad reviews. An online review is crucial for a freelancer. Here, it seems that people have to be convinced to do their jobs. Matilda has taken great steps to improve her relationship with the team. They’re no longer--”

  Peter stopped her flow with a raised hand. “I’m also aware that her change is due to you. And that the client specifically asked you to liaise. They’re content with your services, by the way.”

  This mess was all Johan’s fault. She had to get back at him somehow.

  “Plus,” Peter continued. “Matilda told me that you’re the one who had the idea about how to accommodate future changes and start the work faster.”

  “Look, Matilda may not be a good manager now, but I believe she’ll be a great one pretty soon. She needs some guidance.” Eda kept pressing the issue, hoping Peter would understand that he was the one who was supposed to offer said guidance.

  Yet Peter moved farther and farther away from that realization. “It seems to me that if you can turn Matilda into a good manager, you can do pretty much anything.”

  The pressure rose inside as Eda was trying to control herself. The last thing she wanted was more stress, which would surely come if she were in charg
e. The idea of being responsible for other people’s actions was insufferable. And how could she ever take the job knowing that Matilda needed it so much?

  There were lots of downsides, but nothing that attracted her to the position. This nonsense had to end now.

  “You need to pay attention, Peter, because you don’t seem willing to hear anything I say. My presence here is more of a social experiment rather than the first step in a long career. I don’t care about moving up the ladder; I don’t believe that having the word manager in my title makes me a better person or gives me more intrinsic value.” She took a deep breath, happy to notice the smugness vanish from his face.

  Eda continued. “I believe Matilda can be a good manager, and as soon as you stop this nonsense, I’ll be happy to help her get there. In conclusion, if you don’t have a better applicant for the position—which I think you don’t otherwise, we wouldn’t be having this conversation—you should give the job to Matilda.”

  The conversation ended abruptly, with an angry Peter leaving her in the room alone.

  For a moment, she wondered if it was the right decision, or she acted rashly due to unfounded loyalty. The doubt faded instantly. She was a programmer, not a manager. While there were many things she could do, there was only one she chose to do, the one that gave her the most pleasure. She refused to taint it with management responsibilities or other nonsense such as that.

  When Matilda passed by her desk with a kind smile on her face, her heart shrunk. There was no way she knew how much Peter disliked the idea of giving her the position.

  Maybe the reason they put her temporarily in charge of the team was to have a good reason to fire her. Not if Eda had anything to say about it.

  She went straight to Matilda’s office and closed the door behind her. “When do you have the interview?”

  “After lunch,” Matilda replied, her eyes increasing to normal size.

  “You should practice a bit.”

  “Practice?”

  “Yes. I ask you questions, and we see what we can do to improve your answers.”