by Elle Limpkin
The End is Near
Michael raised his hand, touching the glass that separated him from JP and Johan, then remained still. His lips were the only ones that shaped into a crooked smile. It was enough for Eda to take a few steps toward him that Michael circled abruptly, adopting his usual smug expression.
“How’s it going?”
“I have to admit; this kid is brave. Or he can't understand what is happening to him.”
“He understands plenty, trust me,” Eda countered.
“Your husband hasn’t left his side even for a moment.”
“He’s not my husband.”
Michael narrowed his eyes. “Are you sure? I’ve met him four times until now, and on each of these occasions, you were by his side. You’re his wife, trust me. Or at least a girlfriend.”
“Men and women can be friends,” she said matter-of-factly.
“No, they can’t.”
Eda directed her attention to the dear people behind the glass. Johan must’ve said something amusing because JP couldn’t stop laughing.
“Why do you try so hard to be a jerk?”
“Job requirement,” Michael responded.
Two people in green reflected in the glass.
“Come with me, Mr. Reid,” a more than tall nurse demanded.
He shuffled behind her but turned in time to see JP climb on the slab with the same serenity he’d always shown, keeping the smile until the door closed behind him and left Johan and Eda alone.
“How long will it take?”
“About an hour and a half,” Johan answered with delay.
This day was about to mirror the previous one, except every minute seemed to elongate into eternity. Eda did her best to provide comfort and encouragement, doubting her success.
When two women dressed in green raced to the operating room; Johan’s worry reached unthinkable levels. His attempt to get answers from them hit an invisible wall.
“Relax!” Eda commanded. “This is a big hospital; I’m sure there are several other operations taking place at the moment. JP is a tough kid. He’ll be fine.”
Time continued to bend, each expanded moment taking them closer to the end. Johan rallied up and down the hallway when the doctor blew the doors open, removing the surgical mask off his face. He said nothing until Johan stopped right in front of him.
“It was textbook,” the doctor said. “One of the smoothest operations in my career.”
Those words and the smile on the doctor’s face should’ve been enough to paint a clear picture, but Johan insisted. “You mean...he’ll be okay?”
“We still have to monitor the progress for a couple of days, of course, but for the moment, I don’t see why he wouldn’t be.”
“When can I see him?”
“In about an hour, after we will move him to ICU.” The doctor had already taken a couple of steps away from them as he was finishing the sentence, probably afraid of a never-ending interrogation.
Johan turned to Eda as soon as they were alone, and for the first time, the large smile on his face hid no inner pain. He was happy. Even his eyes shone. “Did you hear that? He’s going to be okay.”
“I heard,” Eda replied, mesmerized by his gaze.
“I think I can drink that coffee you brought me now.”
He found a comfortable position on one of the chairs and looked at her as if he expected her to join him.
“I should go,” she explained, inserting both her hands deep into her pockets.
A dash of sadness darkened his face. “I see. Will you come back later?”
“After work.”
Before she knew what was happening, he sunk her in another tight hug. “Thanks for being here,” he whispered in her ear. “Not just now, but since this thing began.”
For some reason, his words felt like a goodbye. Maybe that’s what they had to be—goodbye.
∞∞∞
When she dragged her feet back through the hospital, the uneasiness was still there. That was the big moment. The decision she’d avoided and had changed over and over was upon her. While a voice inside her insisted that her problem didn’t really exist, she turned it down, hoping another answer would come to her the moment she stepped through the glass doors of the ICU.
She could see Johan and JP through the blinds as she approached the room, laughing at something Johan was trying to say, making faces, and being ridiculous on purpose. JP was thrilled. Their picture seemed complete. It was the best way to describe it. Complete. And at that moment, she was convinced it was best to leave them alone. JP was fine. They didn’t need her.
Eda lingered a few more minutes, trying to soak in all the joy on the other side of the glass. Johan seemed surreal as if he were part of another life. In a sense, he was. She turned back to the staircase, fixating her sneakers as she was climbing down the stairs, one foot in front of the other, and so on until she reached the ground floor.
Now that she knew what to do, a freezing cold took over her. She had expected to be crushed inside by her denial of one of the things she’d wanted most in her life, but her feelings were smashed under a block of ice so big they couldn’t surface.
The giant ice cube melted into nothingness the moment she stepped into her apartment, leaving in its stead a wave of emotions beyond her control. Collapsing on the hardwood floor, she wept as only one time before, after her mother’s funeral. Through all that crying, her constant companion was the nagging feeling that she was a complete idiot.
As much as she desired it, she couldn’t move forward in the possible relationship with Johan. There were so many things that could go wrong, so many ways in which she could ruin this feeble relationship. It was best to cut all ties for reasons she couldn’t explain. It just was.
She spent the night twisting in bed. The few moments she fell into slumber, peace eluded her, only dreams that took elements of her real-life and merged them in unsettling nonsense. Johan recurred in many of those dreams, one imprinting on her mind.
In the dream, she was at the edge of a cliff connected to the other side by a narrow plank. She knew she had to step on the plank but didn’t know why and lacked the courage. The other side was barely visible through the night mist, but Johan was there; she could narrow his image as if she had binoculars embedded in her eyes. He was encouraging her to cross over. She refused, convinced that she’d find her death in the middle of it.
One by one, her friends came on her side of the cliff, cheering, daring her to take the chance. Polly was the most vocal of them all. She was so close, she almost pushed Eda over the edge, jolting her back from time to time.
Hesitantly, Eda took the first step on the plank. It wasn’t as hard as she’d thought. She kept going until she reached the middle. That’s when the beam began to shake, and she almost lost her balance. She could hear the cheers of the crowd behind her. She could hear Johan calling her as if he were whispering in her ear.
She took one more step, the beam shaking so hard she fell over the edge, the wind hitting her across the face as she was plummeting rapidly towards the rocky ground. It was the end. Just another fall dream, like so many before.
After this dream, she gave up on sleeping and crawled up in bed with a big can of chocolate ice cream, angry that her favorite pizza place didn’t deliver so early in the morning.
Her cell buzzed again, as it had countless times since she’d returned home. And as always, she ignored it. The buzzing stopped. The next time it turned on, she threw the cell angrily on the opposite side of the bed.
The fact that her approach was childish didn’t escape her attention. Neither did the fact that she was doing the same thing she’d blamed Polly for doing. And yet, she couldn’t stand the idea of talking to him.
Later, as she went to pick up another napkin box, something on the cabinet caught her eye. It was the same diary that started all this madness. She circled back in anger, blaming the inanimate object of all the pain she was going through. Every time she left the c
omfort of her bedroom, the diary attracted her attention as if it were a beacon. Eventually, she couldn’t resist the temptation.
She grabbed the little thing, holding it so tightly her fingers turned white. It still had the same words scrabbled in a hurry.
Today my life will change.
Almost two months had passed since the day she wrote those words. Her life had indeed changed, but who could say if it was for the better? The empty pages invited her to write, and she went mechanically to the couch with a black ink pen.
An empty page doesn’t mean an empty life. Sometimes we’re too busy to write.
She put the pen down. The decision she’d made at the time seemed rational, logical even. Now, she doubted it was the correct one, not knowing if her desire to have a different life was genuine or bowing to social pressure.
Or was she chickening out now?
She went back to the bedroom, her cell vibrating between the sheets. It was time to do the things she’d blamed Polly for not doing. That was the perfect moment since Johan was calling again.
She grabbed the cell, staring at the little device, hovering over the green button, but unwilling to press it. Eventually, the call ended. Instead of calling back, Eda took the easier route—she texted him. “I’m fine. I can’t talk now.”
At least now he knew he shouldn’t worry. She was fine. His calls would stop.
Eda crawled back in bed, having the terrifying sensation that a crowd of demons was chortling at her expense. Maybe she was an idiot. Looking back at her life, she could see that so clearly. She’d assigned exclusive blame to her father for their cold relationship, but the truth was she hadn’t made it easy for him. She had kept every man interested in her in Springdale at arm’s length, thinking that there was no point in a relationship since she was about to leave town. She’d locked herself in her apartment with no social life whatsoever as soon as she had no one around to push her to do otherwise. Not even Polly, the one person in the world who knew her best was aware of what lay in her heart.
She’d convinced herself that reason guided her decisions, but now she realized it was something entirely different. It was fear. It had been fear all along; an unknown enemy hidden in the darkest corners of her being, pulling the strings of her entire life.
It was fear of losing another beloved parent that made her keep her father at a safe distance. It was fear of getting hurt that made her push those men away. It was fear of being rejected that made her run from any social life, barricaded into the safety of her apartment.
It was fear of getting hurt, fear of not being enough that fueled her decision to push Johan away. There was no logic in that. No reason. It was paralyzing fear.
Eda wouldn’t have her life under the control of such a dreadful emotion, not anymore. She galloped back to the living room and opened the diary to the next page. Her pen was slipping on the page so fast the writing would’ve been unintelligible to anyone but her.
Today I stop listening to fear.
As she was writing, a wide smile covered her entire face. The half-life she’d led until this moment would cease. She opened one of the cupboard drawers, the perfect place for her diary. Its work was complete. She understood.
While her theoretical approach improved, it was useless until she applied what she’d learned. And one thing terrified her above all else.
Grabbing her cell, she searched Johan’s number. The doorbell rang as she pressed dial. Did she order another pizza she forgot about? Eda raced to the door with her wallet in one hand, using the other to glue the cell to her ear.
The door opened, she took a couple of steps back, staring at Johan with her mouth open. The dark veil over his eyes had returned.
“What happened?” Eda asked, the smile vanishing from her face. There was only one thing that could get Johan so upset. “Is JP okay?”
“He’s fine,” Johan said, stepping into her apartment. He performed a quick inspection of the living room, as was due for a first-time visitor, then returned his frown to Eda.
“Then what’s wrong?”
“That’s what I was about to ask you.”
“Oh!” She never thought he’d be so worried. How could she have been so cruel? “I’m sorry,” she whispered.
He fixated her for a few more moments, but the answers he was waiting for delayed. “That’s it? You’re sorry? I couldn’t get a hold of you for two days! At first, I thought you were avoiding me, but when Matilda told me you weren’t at the office today, I got really worried.”
“I texted you.”
“I got your text. I’m fine; I can’t talk now. For all I knew, anyone could’ve written that.” Johan kept eyeing her, with his hands deep in his pocket.
He deserved a good explanation, but Eda doubted she could come up with one without sounding crazy and, more importantly, without losing him.
“Again, I’m sorry. You were right; I was avoiding you.”
His jaw tensed. “I see.”
“No, you don’t!” Eda exclaimed, a new burst of energy causing her to move around as she spoke. “The truth is I was a bit confused...sort of. It’s hard to explain.”
Johan picked up the empty pizza boxes left carelessly on the coffee table. “Six pizzas is more than a little confused.”
His movement forced her to see her apartment for the first time in the past two days. The entire place was a mess. Objects lying everywhere, empty cups and glasses, and lots of napkins. While she lacked the courage to check the mirror, she was sure her image reflected that of the room, with her hair wildly messed up and no make-up. She was even wearing the same clothes from the hospital, except by now they were crumpled and dirty. Quite a sight! If Johan decided to run and never return, she couldn’t blame him.
“You’re right. I was more than a little confused,” she eventually said. “But I had an epiphany!”
“An epiphany?” Johan shared none of her enthusiasm.
“Yes! I realized that I’d let fear govern all my life. I’d let it guide my every step, and you know what? It made me alone and miserable. Being alone is not a bad thing in itself, but it was for me. I was afraid that if I took any chances or got close to people, I would hurt. But loneliness was hurting me more. It wasn’t an acute pain that I would’ve noticed immediately. It was...” She closed her eyes, trying to come up with valid imagery. “It was more of a diffused discomfort that increased with time, but slowly enough, so I failed to tell the difference. Am I making any sense?”
“Um... I suppose.”
“I’m sorry I’ve been ignoring you,” she said. “But I couldn’t handle talking to you.”
“Why?” Johan’s frown deepened. “You were by my side for the past weeks; what changed?”
“I know we spent a lot of time together, but that was because of JP’s situation. That situation ended thankfully.”
“So, you thought that what... I’d forget all about you?”
“Not exactly. But now that we don’t have this reason to see each other, we had to think about why we spend so much time together and decide where we go from here. I mean, you don’t need me anymore.”
“I always need you,” he gasped. “You make it sound like I was using you to get through that awful situation.”
“That’s not what I meant,” she protested. “I was happy to help--”
“Look,” Johan said, coming closer. “I don’t have to think about where I want to go from here; I already know. I’ve always known where I want to go with you.”
“Really?” she asked. “Because you didn’t seem too keen to get close to me at the cabin.”
“I couldn’t think of anything other than my son’s health; I thought you understood that.”
“I did...”
“I didn’t want our relationship to be about the fact that I needed your help so badly. Or about JP’s health, our work project, or anything else. I wanted our relationship to be about us. That wasn’t possible at the time. I thought you understood that; I thought you w
anted us to work too. I know you care for me, Eda. I can feel you care for me. But it seems that the thought of us together giving you a panic attack.”
“It wasn’t just us being together,” Eda protested, resuming her pace around the room. “It was... I saw Polly and that woman at the Queen party, and I couldn’t imagine living their lives. All they do all day long is take care of the house and spend time with their kids. I can’t imagine being that person.”
Johan was looking at her through narrow eyes. "Now I understand your confusion. You must be under the impression that I want to hire you as JP's nanny. I assure you I don’t have such intentions."
“You know, you're funnier now that your son is fine. When I first laid eyes on you, you were just Bud's grumpy big brother.”
“Grumpy?” He neared her again and took her hands into his, drawing tiny circles in her palm with his thumb, sending vibrations through her entire body.
“Yes, well...the first time I saw you, we were at their engagement party, and you were furious.”
“I was more than furious. I’d just found out that JP wasn’t my biological son.”
“I guess it makes sense then.”
Johan kissed her right palm, serious again. “Look, the truth is I’ve been raising JP alone for almost two years, and though I can’t say it was easy, I think I did a pretty good job. He’s part of my life. If we’re together, he’ll be part of yours, but it doesn’t mean that I expect you to be a housewife and spend all day taking care of him. I have completely different tasks in mind for you.”
Eda wanted to ask to which tasks he was referring but didn’t have to. He pulled her closer in a tight embrace, and her heart stopped in expectation.
They stood there, supported against a wall, glued to each other as if the world itself had dissipated and they were the only ones left, in a moment that could extend forever.
The Beginning
The small church groaned with all the people roaming about, all having something to say in a steady hum audible from outside. When the bride stood in the doorway, all words transformed into a sigh of admiration.