Lost Soul

by Theresa Van Spankeren

“We could do that,” Mary Anne said, hiding a smile. She rolled her eyes at Samuel.

  “What about the child?” Robert asked, looking at me.

  “Do not call her that. She’s certainly not a child anymore after what she went through,” Samuel said sharply. “She’s learning. Well. Anyway, she will not be wandering around alone yet.”

  “Relax. I’m going to get through this,” I said in determination. And suddenly, I knew it was true. I didn’t know how I was going to get through it, or even when, but eventually I was going to. I had to.

  “That’s it, girl,” Matthew said. “And we’ll do what we can to help you.”

  “You have already done so much. I do not know what else you can possibly do.”

  Christy looked at me seriously. “You still have a long way to go, Julia. We’re here just to be friends.”

  I smiled shyly. “Now there’s something I’m not used to.”

  Samuel got off the table. “Well, get used to it. You’re stuck with them now.”

  Sharon and Robert shook their heads and left the room. Even though it was early everyone else said good night and left the room. I slowly crawled into bed. “Good night Samuel,” I said sleepily.

  “Night, Julia,” Samuel answered. I rolled over and fell asleep.

  Sometime later I awoke and stared around the darkened room in confusion. I could have sworn I heard a child crying. Sitting up, I listened intently. I heard deep and even breathing from beside me. I glanced to my left and saw Samuel sleeping soundly next to me. It was only now that I realized the crying I thought I heard had been part of a dream. My daughter was dead. There were no children in this house.

  I stared at the far wall as I was overwhelmed by the grief I had tried so hard not to feel. I drew up my knees and wrapped my arms around them tightly. Sobs racked me, the hard silent ones that nearly make one double over in anguish, but don’t make a verbal sound. There were barely any tears that fell; it seemed as if the pain was too deep for them to come. I began to rock with my eyes tightly clenched shut, silently trapped in my own private world of agony.

  “Julia?” Samuel whispered. My rocking must have woken him; I had yet to make a verbal sound. I couldn’t answer him and he spoke again. “Julia, is that you? Are you all right?”

  I rocked faster and opened my mouth to answer him, but my throat seemed to be closed off. I heard him sit up and I turned my head towards him and opened my eyes. My vision suddenly blurred with the tears that had refused to come until now.

  “Oh, Julia . . . .” Samuel murmured, reaching out to touch my shoulder. At his touch, I unraveled from my awkward position and practically flung myself at him.

  “My baby . . . gone forever,” I whispered as I burst into tears. I had landed against his chest and I felt his arms wrap around me, holding me close. He said nothing else but stroked my hair as he held me, until I fell into an exhausted sleep.

  ***

  The rest of the week I spent close to the house except when Samuel took me hunting. I used the time to spar with all the vampires. It was a workout and it did wonders for my emotions.

  On the eighth night I awoke the first time nightmare free. I was the last of us to wake but I was happy to have such a restful night’s sleep. Everyone but Samuel and Mary Anne were about ready to walk out the door. “Julia’s awake,” Matthew said with a smile.

  “Where are you all going?” I asked, getting up.

  “We’re going to go talk to Valentino’s group, a few more miles outside of London. They keep raiding our hunting grounds and killing.”

  “They’re going into the city?” I asked in surprise.

  “Aye. They also keep killing several people a night and not bothering to cover it up.” He scowled and said, “In our areas. Which means we can be blamed for it if the humans start suspecting vampires. Have fun tonight, Julia. Visit town.”

  “Maybe,” I answered uncertainly. I was still nervous around him and the other two men. In fact the only males I felt somewhat comfortable around were Samuel and Damien, who had come by again the other day.

  “Have fun. I know we will,” Robert said and he and Sharon shared a snicker with the others. “We are going to a tavern after our discussion with the other group. Would you like to come with us?”

  “Um – well – I do not know ....” I stammered.

  “I don’t think it is best to bring Juliana,” Mary Anne finished quietly. As she spoke, she unbraided her brunette hair. “If you get into a fight we don’t want her there. Not yet. She isn’t ready. She can wander around London tonight. She really has not done that yet.”

  I smiled at her in gratitude as Robert shook his head. “Suit yourself, Julia.” He and the other vampires left.

  I left the room and put on a long blue dress over a white underdress and laced up my bodice. I had to dress like a lady while in town. Returning to the room I said, “Let’s go Samuel. I want to look for someone.”

  Samuel looked at me and then followed me outside. I began walking towards town and he matched my pace. “Who are you looking for, Julia?”

  “I just want to look for an old friend of mine,” I answered staring straight ahead. “We grew up together,” I continued, feeling I had to give him some kind of explanation. I paused and then finished, “We were close.”

  We walked in silence for a little while and then he spoke again. “Does this ‘friend’ happen to be the young man Damien’s mentioned? The servant’s son?”

  I gave him a sidelong glance. “Why?” I asked uncertainly. “Are you going to tell me no?” I asked, my voice rising a notch.

  “Nay, Julia. I was just wondering who has sparked your interest after all this time. I haven’t seen you this animated unless we’re sparring,” Samuel answered mildly.

  I scowled angrily. “Be quiet Samuel.”

  Samuel shrugged graciously. “As you wish, Sunshine.”

  I looked at him and opened my mouth to curse him, but stopped. Sunshine was the nickname Samuel had affectionately given me. I shook my head in exasperation and kept walking. I wasn’t exactly happy with the nickname. I’m not even sure how he had come up with it.

  I knew the most likely place I would find Adam would be the small inn next to his shop. Even if he wasn’t there I would probably find information on him from there at least.

  We walked into the center of town. I wandered over to the small inn, opened the door and walked in. Looking around the small crowded room I noticed most of the patrons were men and couples. I heard Samuel move up beside me and was reassured by his presence. I didn’t need any drunken human men looking to take advantage of a young woman alone. I didn’t trust my reactions to men yet. I was kind of afraid that despite my lessons, despite being a vampire, I would suddenly freeze up and just let them do what they want to do with me. It wasn’t easy overcoming being treated a certain way. I looked at the people, searching for the person I wanted.

  Samuel suddenly took my hand. “Is that him over there, Sunshine?” he asked. I turned my head to look in the direction he was staring in. I gasped softly and then tried to suppress my feelings.

  “Aye,” I replied, standing rooted to the spot.

  “We can get closer if you want,” Samuel said, watching me carefully.

  “Do you really think we should? I mean what if he sees me –” I asked.

  “You have to learn to blend in with them Julia. Most mortals don’t observe other people much unless they draw attention. And if we keep standing here staring, everyone will notice,” Samuel said quietly. “Let’s sit down someplace.”

  I nodded and Samuel took my arm and led me to a table in the shadows not far from where Adam was sitting with a young woman. Ruth Galloway, I supposed. We sat down and Samuel ordered a glass of red wine and some bread. He smiled at me as he did so. I gave him a dirty look and glanced towards Adam’s table. “Funny,” I commented.

  “You should be able to hear everything they say now, Julia,” he replied and paid the waitress who gave him the drink. />
  “Do not read my mind,” I said looking back at him.

  “I did not have to,” Samuel answered and sipped his wine. I scowled and looked back over at Adam. He still looked healthy and strong and I smiled in spite of things. Ruth was talking animatedly about their wedding plans but he looked quiet and distant.

  Was he thinking of me? I wondered silently. Feeling childish, I found myself praying feverishly that he was. I wanted to discover that he still remembered me.

  Almost in answer to my unspoken request Ruth leaned forward and harshly asked, “Are you thinking of Lady heretic again?”

  Adam looked startled. “What I’m thinking about is none of your business Ruth. And do not call her that.”

  “You are thinking about her,” Ruth said and looked disgusted. “Adam, she’s dead. You heard what her family said. The day she found out about our engagement and Lady Juliana went mad. They think she drowned herself in the river and that’s why no one has found her body.”

  Adam looked away. “I’ve heard the story. If it’s true, then it’s my fault.”

  “Adam! It’s not your fault! The girl was insane. She could not accept that you two could not be together.”

  “Julia was perfectly sane!” he protested angrily.

  “That’s why she killed herself?” Ruth’s voice dropped to a whisper. “ It’s been rumored that she had a child.”

  “The family never said anything about a child.”

  “I know but some of us saw her a couple of times with a baby girl. Maybe it was a maid’s.”

  Adam frowned. “Why would she have a maid’s daughter? A noblewoman would not have the help’s child with her. Perhaps, another girl was mistaken for her. As for her death, I think there’s something else involved.”

  I looked at him and then at Samuel. Me bets you’ll never guess in your wildest dreams what really happened, I thought silently. I sighed. Why was I doing this? He had his own life to live.

  I glanced back over in time to see Adam’s dark eyes become distant again. “It’s hard to believe she’s dead. Sometimes, it’s almost like I can still sense her presence around,” Adam whispered.

  “A ghost?” Ruth murmured.

  “Nay . . . not a ghost. It’s like she’s still alive.”

  Ruth shook her head. “You are insane now too.”

  Adam stood up and threw a few coins on the table. “Maybe,” he answered softly. “Let’s go, Ruth.” They turned around to leave.

  I lowered my head and stared at the table. He and Ruth walked past us. I felt his gaze rest on us for a minute and then they moved away. My hair blocked his view of my face so he only glanced briefly at me. He would never have thought to look for me here, so he didn’t look very close. Besides Samuel and I were both in the shadows. After a moment I got up.

  Samuel looked up at me and sighed. “Are you going to follow him, Julia?” he asked, running a hand through his light blond hair.

  I nodded and started for the door. Samuel finished his wine and got up. He shook his head. “Sunshine, we need to talk.”

  “Later, Samuel,” I replied over my shoulder. Samuel followed me outside. We watched as Adam walked Ruth into a house. After a couple minutes, he re–emerged outside and started home. He kicked a stone down the dirt street. I heard him curse at himself for not doing anything to stop me, for not knowing I had “heard about his engagement.” He turned towards us suddenly, eyes narrowed.

  Both Samuel and I melted into the shadows at the same time. Even though I wanted to see him, I didn’t want him to see me. I was too uncertain about him and the knowledge saddened me. It was amazing how much one rotten person could change the way you perceive everyone else. Sometimes I felt with every step forward, I went back three.

  Adam looked around, sensing someone was watching him. After a long second he turned and walked on, entering a house up the street.

  Samuel and I returned to our house on the outskirts of London. “You said we had to talk,” I said, sitting down at the table.

  Samuel sat across from me. “You still love him, don’t you?”

  I felt startled and angry. “Love?! Samuel, I do not – “

  Samuel was already shaking his head. “There’s something between you two. Something extremely powerful.”

  “I do not understand,” I told him in confusion. “Samuel, I don’t think I can love anyone anymore.”

  Samuel studied me. “Is it because of Gregory?” he asked bluntly.

  “A little. Aw, Samuel, I still think he’s going to hurt me,” I blurted out in embarrassment.

  “He cannot, Julia.”

  “Curse it, Samuel! Up here I know that,” I said tapping my head. “Here...” I started, touching my chest, “I don’t.”

  “He will not hurt you,” he said calmly. “And neither will Adam. Adam won’t, Sunshine,” he repeated, seeing doubt cross my face.

  “How do you know that?” I demanded.

  “There’s an incredible bond between you two. He knows, in a way, that you are not dead. You just had to listen to his comments, Julia.”

  I uttered a short laugh. “One more problem. Unlike my ‘educated’ class, he was taught to believe in vampires, to believe they are evil. Do you really think he’ll want to love a demon?”

  Samuel sighed deeply. “Do you think you are evil?”

  “No. But how I feel isn’t the point!” I exploded.

  He reached out to touch my hand. “Julia, please trust me.”

  “I cannot think about this right now.” I started pacing nervously, beginning to shake with emotion.

  Samuel got up and moved up behind me. He put his arms around me and held me close. “Julia, calm down. You’re safe. Do not worry. He’s not going to hurt you anymore.”

  “Promise?” I whispered anxiously. My shaking was slowly dying down and it wasn’t because of passion. I guess in a way I loved Samuel but it was because he was so kind; I loved him because he showed me the first gentleness I had since I had been a child, playing in my parents’ gardens. He was sort of like an older brother, but not even that comparison seemed to fit. Samuel was someone I trusted, and for me, that was a lot.

  “I promise,” Samuel murmured close to my ear.

  I nodded and stepped away. I was about to ask him again about this bond he was referring to but the others came back right at that second. They entered the house yelling and dancing. “What has gotten into them?” I asked as they continued to act like children who had just found a bag of toys.

  “They must have had success,” Samuel answered dryly.

  Matthew grabbed my hands and began to spin me around. “I’faith!” he shouted gleefully.

  “We showed them!” Jeffrey yelled, as he ran past us into his own room. Even quiet Mary Anne was dancing around in obvious delight in a way I never saw before.

  “What happened?!” Samuel asked, staring at her.

  “We made Valentino’s group leave the area,” she answered breathlessly. “They refused to stop the killing so we used force to get them out of town.”

  Samuel whooped and also jumped down. He was obviously delighted with the news. He pulled Mary Anne out to the middle of the room and swung her around.

  I, meanwhile, was startled by Matthew’s openness with me. It confused me because I was so distant towards him, Jeffrey, and Robert. “Matthew –” I started uncertainly as he swung me around again. I glimpsed Christy and Sharon opening bottles of whiskey and rum. Where they had gotten so much alcohol I had no idea. Jeffrey suddenly came back in and sat down. He had a violin in hand.

  Matthew slowed down and looked at me, a smile tugging at his lips. “It’s a celebration, Julia. Calm down. I’m not going to hurt you,” he whispered, a little exasperated. “I like you; you’re an interesting woman. And not a bad fighter for a beginner. Though me thinks I can still defeat you anytime.”

  I shoved him playfully. “Do not flatter yourself too much, Matthew,” I answered with a small smile.

  He laughed. “I’
ll try not to.” He grinned. “Celebrate?”

  I suddenly relaxed. He had let me shove him and hadn’t hurt me. I understood now that he didn’t want to hurt me. “As long as we do not dance anymore right now,” I replied. “Your unexpected dance made me dizzy.”

  “All right,” he answered, guiding me to the table where Jeffrey and Christy were now sitting. We sat down and watched as the other four danced to Jeffrey’s violin.

  Christy poured me a glass of whisky. “This is probably the first celebration you’ve been to for a while, isn’t it?”

  I nodded. “The last festivity I went to was my sister’s wedding – about a year ago,” I answered as I watched Robert and Sharon dance, and Mary Anne and Samuel.

  Matthew leaned forward. “You looked so sad when we came in. What were thou thinking about?”

  I looked towards the dancers. “I just cannot get over the fear that my husband will hurt me again. You must think I’m mad,” I added in an afterthought.

  Matthew and Christy looked at me and shook their heads. “Nay, we understand Julia. Do not worry about it. It’ll take time to recover,” Christy answered. They exchanged looks. “Would you feel safer if he was dead?” she asked gently.

  I stared at her in surprise but realized it would make me feel a lot safer. I nodded after a second. “Aye. It would make me feel much safer, Christy. ”I sighed. “Then, at least, I will not have to worry about him coming after me.”

  Both vampires nodded but said nothing. I glanced at them and then watched as Robert and Sharon took Christy’s and Matthew’s place so they could dance. I smiled in amazement at their openness towards each other. I suddenly felt like an outsider again. I began to study the floor with keen interest.

  I was startled when Mary Anne and Samuel suddenly stopped by the table. I looked up just in time to hear Samuel ask me to dance. My mind blanked and I stared at him in silence. He spoke again. “One dance, Julia, please,” he said, looking at me in hope.

  “Samuel – it has been so long since I did any dancing,” I stammered.

  Samuel smiled. “It doesn’t matter to me, Julia.”

  “All right … one dance,” I said hesitantly. Samuel helped me up and led me to the middle of the floor. I heard the other vampires start singing to the music as we picked up the rhythm. The strange thing was that the song was a song I’ve heard slaves sing – a kind of religious song. Just as amazing was that they seemed so passionate about it – this song of forthcoming freedom. Religious vampires. I guess that just proves the theory that not all vampires are creatures from Satan. I certainly didn’t see it that way.