“You noticed me back then, though, didn’t you? When I wasn’t going to the gym or eating right.”
“I noticed you immediately,” she confessed softly.
“I should let you get back to work,” Hillary said before she cleared her throat.
“You’re not good at taking compliments, are you?” Amara teased.
“No, I’m not. But I’d wager that if I told you that I think you’re unbelievably beautiful, you’d have a hard time taking that compliment, too.”
“I would.” Her blush darkened.
“I think I’ll save it then. I want to see your face when I tell you that.”
“And I think you’re right. I should get back to work,” she replied with a wide grin.
“Good night, Amara.”
“Night, Hillary.”
CHAPTER 14
“Where does your name come from?” Hillary asked her as they made their way across the Golden Gate’s walking path toward Sausalito on the other side.
It was a gorgeous day, but that high above the water, there was a chill in the air. Despite the sun being present and a lack of clouds, they’d both required jackets for the trip. The walking path was on the right of the bridge. The bridge itself was 1.7 miles long. It wouldn’t take long to walk that if they had intent toward walking for exercise, but neither of them seemed too concerned with their leisurely speed. The tourists were out in full force, though it wasn’t too crowded for them to walk their way unimpeded. Amara’s main concern was that Hillary hadn’t taken her hand as she’d done the other night when they’d walked along the boat together. She tried not to worry if her actions at the end of their first date still carried weight, despite their conversation the previous night.
“It’s a shorter version of Amarantham. It’s an old Greek name,” she replied. “My mother was a professor of Ancient Greece and Rome.”
“What does it mean?” Hillary asked.
“Eternally beautiful,” Amara replied, and the blush that always hit her cheeks every time she had to explain that to someone, appeared.
“I feel like there’s a line I could use here, but I think it’s too easy.” Hillary chuckled.
“Something like, ‘she got that right’ or ‘she must have been psychic to name you that?’ I’ve heard those before.” She smiled at Hillary.
“I’ll just say that I agree with her.”
“My dad wanted to name me Mary.”
“As in virgin?”
“That’s the one. They compromised with Amara. And by compromise, I mean that my mom got what she wanted.” She turned her attention to the water.
“What happened to her?”
“Oh, I guess we should talk about that stuff.” Amara stopped walking and turned toward the bay.
“Not if you don’t want to.” Hillary joined Amara and stood next to her but gave her space.
“No, it’s typical dating conversation, right?”
“It doesn’t have to happen on this date, though.”
“What if I don’t get another one?” Amara didn’t turn from the water to check Hillary’s reaction.
“You’re worried about that?”
“It’s only our second date. No more are guaranteed.”
“Amara, is this because I’m dating other people?” Hillary placed a hand on the woman’s lower back.
“No, I’m sorry.” Amara shook her head. “I don’t know why I said that.”
“Come on. Be honest with me.”
Amara stared out at a ship making its way to open ocean, and considered Hillary’s words. She had so much to reveal. And yet, if she revealed any of it, she worried she’d reveal all of it. There was no telling if Hillary would even want to continue their walk if Amara told her the things that she longed to tell someone.
“Can we get off this bridge first?” she asked.
“Of course.”
Hillary turned and held out her hand for Amara to take. Amara turned and glanced down at the hand, happy that it was finally offered. She took it, and they headed the rest of the way across the bridge in silence. With each step, she tried to figure out where to begin. She wondered at which point in her story Hillary would stop her and tell her that she didn’t want a third date with her after all. The woman from the coffee shop would likely be a much easier choice. They crossed the bridge and made their way to a bench overlooking the water on the other side. A couple had just stood up to leave, and they had perfect timing. They sat close together, and Hillary put her arm around Amara’s shoulders but left it on the bench. Outside of that, Hillary made no effort to touch her.
“I don’t remember much about my mother. I was only three when she died,” Amara began, deciding the beginning was most likely the best place to start. “My parents were at a Christmas party. After, my dad went to drive them home, and there was an accident.”
“I’m sorry, Amara.”
“My dad had had a few drinks that night. He thought he was okay to drive, but it had been raining, and the roads were wet. He ran into a tree on her side of the car. She died in the hospital a few days later,” she explained. “He’s never forgiven himself. He hasn’t touched alcohol since. He wasn’t a heavy drinker then; he just made a mistake.”
“Oh, baby.”
Hillary’s hand was on her shoulder, offering a caress of comfort, and she turned her body into Amara’s tense one. Had they been talking about anything else, Amara probably would have loved the fact that Hillary had just called her baby.
“He’s a pastor at the church where I work. The church was founded by my grandfather. My father grew up in it, and so did I.”
“What does it mean to grow up in a church?” Hillary questioned. “I was raised by two hippies, basically.” She gave a sideways smile that Amara appreciated.
“It means I go to church every Sunday, and always have. It means I volunteer when I’m not working there during the day. It also means I was raised to believe that homosexuality is wrong,” she added that last point in there quickly. “And that my dad is pretty protective.”
“Hoping I’d miss that middle part there, weren’t you?” Hillary pulled back slightly and clasped her hands in her lap, but she still had a small smile on her face.
“I guess.” Amara shrugged.
“Can you explain it a little more?”
“What the church believes?” She turned a little toward Hillary.
“What you believe.”
Amara sighed, and found her eyes – yet again – drawn to the water, before she turned back to see that Hillary was still staring at her.
“I’ve had these feelings for a long time. I think they’ve always been there, but I realized them when I was a teenager. I was terrified to voice them, let alone ever act on them. My dad isn’t the fire and brimstone preacher or anything, but he does have his beliefs. For a while, they were my beliefs. I thought it was wrong what I felt, and that if I worked hard enough, I could push the feelings away; I could fall in love with a boy from a good, devout family, and everything would be okay.”
“And now?” Hillary lifted a concerned eyebrow.
“It’s hard: trying to reconcile the fact that I believe in God and I believe in my father as a good man who teaches what he believes is right with how I feel, knowing those things are at odds with one another.”
“He doesn’t know, does he?” Hillary guessed at one of her secrets, and Amara shook her head and lowered it in shame. “Hey, don’t do that.” Hillary’s tone was soft as she lifted Amara’s chin to look into her eyes. “Were you worried I’d have a problem with you not being out?”
“You’re so confident with yourself. You’re out, and your friends are out by the looks of it. I thought–”
“You just walked halfway across the Golden Gate holding my hand, Amara. Do you have any idea how brave that is? Even in California, and even now, it’s not easy to walk hand in hand with a woman in public. You may not be out to your father yet, but being out in public is also a big deal.”
> “Maybe.”
Amara wasn’t quite convinced of that. She hated lying to her father about who she truly was, but she still wasn’t sure she’d ever be able to tell him. If he reacted in the way she suspected he would, she could be disowned and without a place to live. More importantly, though, she’d lose her father; the only person in the world that had always been there for her.
“How did your other girlfriends deal with it? Did they have a problem? Is that why you thought I would?”
Now, it was time for her next secret.
“I haven’t had any.”
◆◆◆
“Oh,” Hillary replied. “None?” She lifted an eyebrow.
“No.” Amara shook her head. “I’m sorry… I should have told you this sooner.”
“It’s okay.” Hillary gave her a small smile. “It just brings up more questions in my mind, but we’re only on our second date; there’s stuff we’re not going to know about each other for a long time, probably, and that’s okay.”
“You can ask your questions.”
Hillary stared at Amara, whose eyes were big and expressive. She could tell Amara was concerned and, likely, worried that Hillary would pull away now. Hillary wasn’t planning on pulling away, though. There were questions she wanted answered, but she was pretty certain none of the answers would scare her off. She’d always prided herself in her open-mindedness and non-judgmental attitude toward others. As long as they weren’t hurting anyone, she didn’t have a problem with people being whoever they were and living their own lives.
“You’ve never had a girlfriend, but have you ever…” She faded, knowing Amara would understand her question.
“No.”
“Nothing?”
“No.”
“What about–”
“No.” Amara chuckled. “Whatever the question is, that’s probably the answer. I haven’t done anything with a woman. You told me I was brave for walking across a bridge holding your hand, but your hand is the only one I’ve ever held that I actually wanted to hold. That’s not very brave of me.”
“Not even a kiss?” Hillary continued her line of questioning, and Amara shook her head with a light laugh. “With guys, though, right?”
“A few. Not many, and none worth mentioning.”
“So, your ex was a man?”
“Mark is my ex.”
“Al-Anon Mark?”
“We dated for about three months. He mainly kissed me on the cheek or gave me a peck here and there.” She paused and stood. “I didn’t even realize we’d been dating for that long.”
“What about sex? He didn’t pressure you or anything?” Hillary stood as well.
They walked to the railing that held them back against the cliff overlooking the water.
“He’s waiting until marriage. I’ve always dated guys from the church; probably on purpose for that very reason.” She turned to Hillary fully. “I’ve never been with anyone. It’s not just a woman thing, Hillary. I’m a virgin. I’ve had a few quick kisses that I wasn’t honest enough with myself to know I didn’t want, and that’s it.”
“I had no idea.” Hillary placed a hand on Amara’s cheek and stared into her eyes. “I don’t care, though. I mean that in a good way: it doesn’t bother me. I like you. I want to date you. If you like me and want to date me, that’s all that matters.”
“What happens if I’m not ready for certain things? You’re going out with someone who probably is more than ready for those things with you, because you’re gorgeous. If she wants those things now, and I can’t give them to you yet, what happens?”
Hillary knew the physical part of their growing relationship was something she’d have no problem waiting for. What she didn’t have, though, was an answer to that question. She’d agreed to go out with Lucy. She’d had fun with her last week, and she wanted to see their date through to find out if there was something more between them. The look in Amara’s eyes, though, showed confusion and fear.
CHAPTER 15
Lucy had taken her to an incredibly fancy restaurant in Union Square with a name Hillary couldn’t even pronounce. She wasn’t sure it was technically a word. Maybe it was just a symbol that meant something to the incredibly rich or hip crowd. She did know that the bottle of wine Lucy had ordered for them to share, cost about as much as her rent each month. Hillary didn’t know wine all that well. She sipped at it as they shared food that was notably delicious. She’d gotten salmon with a bed of rice under it, that was slightly crispy on the outside and cooked perfectly on the inside. It went well with the wine. Outside of the great food, Hillary didn’t care too much for the ambiance. She felt very underdressed in her black slacks and a white button-down. Actually, she was dressed nearly identically to the wait staff minus their aprons.
Lucy had been amiable. They’d enjoyed a nice flow of conversation between them, but Hillary could not take her mind off the look Amara had given her the day before. Hillary had done her best to convince Amara that she wouldn’t run away from seeing where their relationship could go, even if Amara needed to take things slowly, but she knew that Amara hadn’t fully believed her. Part of that was because she didn’t know Hillary well enough yet to trust it, and the other part had to do with the fact that Hillary was dating Lucy. Lucy was smart and very open about who she was, from what Hillary could see so far. She had family money but had made her own way, too. She was kind to the waiter and even joked with him a bit, which Hillary appreciated. She also asked Hillary questions about herself and genuinely cared about her responses. Hillary did the same in return. When they wrapped their dinner, Lucy picked up the bill.
After they left the restaurant, they opted for a walk around Union Square to discuss what they’d do next. Lucy took her hand as they rounded a corner. Hillary stared down at their hands, clasped together, and felt nothing. Well, she felt nothing romantic. She hadn’t even intertwined their fingers. Their hands were clasped together as two friends might do to make their way through a crowded place, and that made sense to her. For some reason, it made sense to her to hold Lucy’s hand as a friend, in the same way it made sense to her to hold Amara’s in more than friendship.
“You’re somewhere else right now, aren’t you?” Lucy asked her as they stopped to window-shop.
“What? Sorry. No, I’m here.”
Lucy let go of her hand and turned to her more fully.
“You’re still on your date from last night.”
The woman’s tone hadn’t been accusing or defensive. On the contrary – it was playful, and she had a smirk on her face.
“I’m here,” Hillary lied and felt terrible. “I just get quiet sometimes.”
“Like when you’re thinking about someone else?” Lucy lifted an eyebrow. “It’s okay, Hillary; you can be honest with me. It’s not like I don’t know you’re dating other people.”
“It’s in poor taste to talk about another date with your current date.”
“So, I shouldn’t talk to you about the date I’m going on tomorrow night?”
“You have a date tomorrow?” Hillary lifted her own eyebrow.
“I do. We met online a while ago, and we have been talking ever since. He lives in Portland, though, and is in town this week on business.”
“Cool.”
“Cool?” Lucy laughed.
“I don’t know. What am I supposed to say?” Hillary laughed back. “I hope your date tomorrow ends in passionate, hot sex with Portland guy?”
Lucy gave her shoulder a light shove and said, “I guess not.” Her laughter died out naturally. “Tell me about your date. It’s okay.”
So, Hillary did. She talked about Amara with Lucy as they continued to walk around the city for the next hour. Lucy made no attempt to hold her hand again nor had Hillary attempted to take Lucy’s back. Lucy listened as she talked and chimed in when appropriate. It was Hillary’s turn next as Lucy told her about Bryant, the guy from Portland. Hillary listened and offered advice to Lucy, who appeared slightly nerv
ous about her first date with him. The night grew cold, and they needed to either commit to a destination or say goodnight. Hillary knew what she wanted, and she hoped Lucy would understand.
“Lucy, I don’t–”
“Think we should go out again?” Lucy finished for her.
“No.” Hillary gave her a somber smile. “But it seems like you might be feeling the same way.”
“I am,” the woman confirmed. “I think you need to see where things are going with Amara, and I think I’d like to see things through with Bryant. Besides, you and I–”
“Would be better as friends?” Hillary interrupted this time.
“I think so.” Lucy chuckled. “How about we hang out sometime next week or something? Catch up on our respective dates? Free coffee on my sister is always an option.”
“Sounds good,” Hillary replied. “I’ll just get a car from here. I’m not too far away.”
“I’ll text you.”
Lucy reached out her arms and pulled Hillary into a friendly hug, which Hillary returned with a smile.
◆◆◆
“Hi. I didn’t expect to hear from you tonight,” Amara said to Hillary after picking up her phone.
“I’m in,” Hillary said.
“In for what exactly?”
“You and me.”
“Oh.”
“I don’t know what you want, but I’m in, Amara. Lucy and I are just going to be friends. And I know it probably seems like I have all these people interested in me, but I swear, it’s not normally like that. It feels like I’ve been staring at you across the room forever, and I needed this push to get me to realize I should just ask you out.” She laughed. “I saw you at Al-Anon, and then at school. It was like something was pushing me toward you. I don’t want to go out with anyone else. I want to see how this goes.”
“You and me?”
“Yes.”
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