“I’m spending some time with other people and trying to find out if I fit in.”
“I guess I can’t fault you for that. We can talk this weekend, though.”
“Dad, I’m going to be staying at my friend, Hillary’s, a little more until I find my own place, okay? It’s not about you or anything. It’s just easier; she lives in the city. It’s close to here and to school. Plus, I’d like to find a place in the city, so it’s easier to look around. She’s offered, and I’m going to take her up on it.”
“That’s a pretty good friend you have there, if she’s offering to let you stay with her so often.”
“She is,” Amara replied. “She’s great. Maybe one day, you can spend some time with her and see for yourself.”
“If she’s important to you, I’d like that.” He smiled at her.
Amara gulped at the thought of her father having dinner with the two of them. In that vision, Hillary was sitting next to her. They were holding hands under the table. Her father was laughing about something. When they lifted their linked hands to rest between their plates, her father’s laughter halted instantly. He glared at her, their hands, Hillary, and then back at her. She came out of the vision staring at her father, who still sat in the chair with one leg resting over the other one and an open look on his face.
“Sure. Maybe. I’m late for lunch.”
She lied to her father once again and left the office. She had no lunch plans. Instead, she went to the coffee shop she normally only frequented on Thursdays, pulled out her laptop, and started searching for jobs in between looking for affordable apartments.
CHAPTER 38
“Hey, tomorrow night is After Dark. Are you and Amara joining us?” Greene asked Hillary.
“I don’t know. I kind of forgot about it.” Hillary shrugged. “I’ll ask her.”
“She’s great, you know?” Greene replied. “You two are great together.”
Hillary glanced over at the bar where Keira and Emma were getting drinks for their group. Joanna was sitting to the left of her girlfriend. Amara was in the restroom. Hillary’s eyes flitted in that direction before reconnecting with Greene’s.
“It hasn’t even been that long, Greene, but I know I want her.”
“We knew you wanted her long before you did.” Greene chuckled and took a sip of her beer. “In the same way you all knew I wanted Jo long before I realized you were right.”
Joanna rolled her eyes at Greene and returned to texting the client, who’d reached out to make changes to their requested appointment for an infant photography session the following day.
Hillary glared toward the bathroom conspiratorially to check on Amara’s whereabouts. Her faculty meeting had wrapped surprisingly early. She’d gotten the invite for drinks from Keira earlier that day, and she’d planned to turn her down. But when the meeting ended a full fifteen minutes prior to its scheduled end time, she’d texted Amara to see if she had any interest. Amara had agreed immediately. They’d been at the bar for only a few minutes so far, but it mattered so much to Hillary to have someone there, sitting next to her. She hadn’t fully realized how lonely she’d been until she’d met Amara.
“Listen, her birthday is coming up in a few weeks; two and a half, to be exact. I’d like to throw a small party for her. She’s never had a birthday party.”
“She’s never had a birthday party?” Joanna joined the conversation.
“Not really. She’s an only child. Her mom died when she was young. Her dad tried, but she also didn’t have a lot of friends in school. I just think a fun party with all of us would be a good way to welcome her into the group.”
“Did someone say party?” Keira asked.
She and Emma stood at the end of their six-person table. They placed the drinks down, and each took a seat.
“She wants to throw a birthday party for Amara,” Joanna pointed out.
“Well, you know I do that for a living, right?” Keira asked. “Just send me a guest list, and I’ll take it from there. Are we doing a theme?”
“Whoa! Hold on.” Hillary placed her hand on top of Keira’s. “It’s not a big party. Just us, and – if I can get her to tell me a few names she’d want to invite – them, too. I’m thinking, like, ten people maximum. We can do that in my apartment. I’ll get the cake and food. That’s the party I was planning.”
“Boring,” Keira said.
Emma laughed at her wife.
“You should just let her plan it. You know she’ll take over anyway,” Greene said.
“Hey,” Keira objected. “I am capable of restraint.” She turned to Hillary seriously. “I’ll back off. Just offering to help. I like her for you. I want her to stick around. If you throw her a lame party, she might not.” She winked.
“She’s not going to leave you because you plan a lame party,” Emma told Hillary.
“She’s coming,” Hillary warned. “I want it to be a surprise.”
“How’s it going to be a surprise if you’re asking her who she wants to invite?” Emma asked.
“I’m not going to ask; I’m going to poke around,” Hillary whispered. “Hey, babe,” she greeted Amara.
“Hi. What are we talking about?” Amara asked and sat down next to Hillary.
“After Dark,” Greene said.
Hillary was grateful to her friend for covering.
“It’s tomorrow night. Wanna go?” Hillary asked her.
“Oh, I guess. Don’t I need a ticket?” Amara asked her.
“I’ll get it,” Hillary told her. “I have the app.”
She pulled out her phone, opened the app, added two tickets to her cart, and paid.
“There are some things we should talk about,” Amara whispered in her ear.
“Is everything okay?” Hillary asked.
“I think so. I just talked to my dad earlier.”
“Should we go?” Hillary asked, ready to leave if that was the case.
“No.” Amara smiled at her. “Let’s spend some time with your friends first.”
Hillary watched Amara return her focus to the group and their conversation. She sat back and didn’t participate much at first, but once Joanna asked her about her favorite foods, Amara leaned in and joined the conversation. Hillary enjoyed watching her smile and learn more about her friends. Emma talked about how when she met Keira, they did not get along. She gave a brief summary of their first altercation where Keira nearly ran over her on the street. Keira rebuffed, of course, that Emma had been feet away, so she was never in any real danger. Amara then asked how Greene and Joanna met. It was so funny to Hillary, hearing them tell the story to someone else. She’d been around to experience the whole thing, but hearing them talk about how they loved each other and had to figure it all out made a lot of sense to Hillary.
She loved Amara. Hillary knew that. Perhaps she’d loved her all along. Looking back, that was certainly what it felt like. She’d met Amara’s eyes at the café occasionally. She’d watched her sit, sip coffee, and work alone. She’d thought about her legs in those skirts, but also about what Amara was working on and whether or not she enjoyed her job. She wanted to know if her mystery woman had siblings, what her favorite color was, what she wanted out of her life. She wanted to know all those things before she ever knew her name.
◆◆◆
Hillary rolled over onto her back and said, “Okay, I need a break.”
“You said you needed to get a workout in today.” Amara chuckled.
“This wasn’t exactly what I meant.” Hillary rolled onto her side.
“But it was still a much better way of burning calories than running on a treadmill.” Amara rolled to face Hillary, wrapping an arm around her back to pull her in close. “Besides, I think you’re sexy.”
“I guessed that when you threw me against the door as soon as we walked into the apartment. I hadn’t even locked it yet.”
“What can I say? Now that I’m having sex, I want you all the time.”
“Don�
�t you mean, you want it all the time?” Hillary questioned.
“No.” Amara smiled at her.
Amara knew it was true: she didn’t just want sex. She wanted Hillary. She’d wanted her all night. When they’d gone to the bar to meet Hillary’s friends, she’d had to hold back the impulse to put her hands all over her girlfriend. She’d watched Hillary’s friends touch their paramours and had done the same; but she’d been picturing Hillary naked while she’d done it. They’d been able to walk to Hillary’s apartment after the bar, which was nice. They’d held hands the entire way, but it was too slow for Amara’s liking. As soon as Hillary had unlocked her door, Amara had her up against it. Clothes were tossed aside as they were able to tear them off, but her hands were moving too fast to remove them all before she had Hillary coming against her fingers.
“You’re sweet.” Hillary kissed her lips.
“I love you,” Amara told her.
“I love you, too,” Hillary replied. “How about you tell me what happened with your dad now? You were pretty quiet on the way home… I’m guessing that wasn’t just because you were thinking about shoving me up against a door.”
Amara rolled onto her back and said, “Can we just go to sleep, wake up tomorrow, and have it all go away?”
“I wish that we could.” Hillary stroked her girlfriend’s cheek with her index finger. “Did he say something to you about the other Amara; about her being gay?”
“No, I told him I wanted to be treated like an adult, since I am one and have been for a while. Then, he made some really good points about the fact that I’ve basically been an adult living like a child, because I pay for next to nothing.”
“He said that to you?”
“Not in as many words. In a way, he is right. I don’t pay my rent, my tuition, my insurance, or even my cell phone bill. He’s always taken care of those things for me.”
“And you want to start paying for stuff?”
“I realize most adults would love to have someone else paying their bills, but I think it’s why I’ve always felt so beholden to him.”
“That makes sense.” Hillary snuggled into Amara’s side, wrapping an arm around her torso.
“I told him that I wanted to move out. I want to find my own place in the city.”
“Amara, that’s great.” Hillary lifted her head to smile at her girlfriend.
“I don’t know how I can afford it, though. The rent in this city is ridiculous.” She met Hillary’s eyes. “And I want my own place, Hill.”
“Okay. I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”
“No, I mean that I don’t want to move in with you just because I’m looking for a place to live.”
“I didn’t exactly offer there, honey.” She winked at Amara.
“I know. But I would like to maybe stay here more than usual, to get some distance from my dad and the house I grew up in. I just didn’t want you thinking that I was trying to move in without us actually talking about it.” Amara paused; her eyes got big. “Wait… I just did that wrong, didn’t I? We just got together, and I’m bringing up moving in. What is wrong with me?” She smacked her hand against her forehead.
“You’re so cute.” Hillary laughed at her. “I told you, we can talk about anything. I would agree that we’re not at the moving in together stage, but I don’t want you to be worried about bringing it up, Amara.”
“Really?”
“Yes.” She laughed again. “Continue.”
“I feel like I want my own place. I want to decorate it and buy the furniture I want instead of the stuff I have. Maybe I’ll get a dog or a cat; I don’t know. I just want something that’s mine.”
“I think that is great.” Hillary slid off Amara, pulling the comforter up to cover them. “Shower tomorrow; sleep tonight.”
“And I want a new job,” Amara continued.
“That’s good.”
“And I want to finish school. I’m changing my major to either psychology or sociology.”
“You want to be a sociology major?” Hillary turned her head to face her.
“Maybe.” Amara shrugged and pulled the blanket up to her neck. “I don’t know exactly, but I don’t want to take any more business classes. I started looking for jobs today. I don’t even know where to start.”
“Start with other admin jobs,” Hillary suggested. “You could admin anywhere with your experience. Once you finish school, you can find something in whatever field you decide to work in.”
“My dad wants me to start paying for things. He’s going to give me a raise to help compensate, but I don’t know what I’ll be able to afford.” Amara’s lips went into a smile. “Tonight, at the bar, you bought those tickets for us. I might not be able to do things like that, Hill. I don’t know. When I came here after work to wait for you, I spent like an hour working on a possible budget, assuming I make my current salary. I don’t think I’ll be able to afford anything beyond food and rent for a while if I’m also paying my tuition.”
“Oh, babe. Is that what you’re worried about?”
“I want to be able to take you places and do things.”
“Amara, we’re in a relationship. I’ll pay for things now and, someday, you’ll pay for things. If this progresses how we think it will, we’ll be paying for things together out of a joint account one day. I’m okay financially. I already have tenure. I’ve got my job for life, if I want it. You and I will be fine.”
“I want to be able to take you out to nice places and get you gifts for–”
“Babe, you can do all that later. Right now, you should focus on getting the life you want. Find the apartment you can call your own, find a job somewhere you like enough, until you can find the thing you really want to do, and we’ll be more than fine. We’ll be us. I like us.”
“I love us.” Amara smiled at her.
“Me too,” Hillary confirmed. “Now, let us get some sleep. We have to work tomorrow, and we’re going to After Dark.”
CHAPTER 39
Amara and Hillary sat in companionable silence at their café on Thursday morning before they departed for their days. They’d worked independently, occasionally sharing sweet glances and innocent touches. Amara thought it was the best way to start her day. She’d woken in Hillary’s arms, they’d made love, showered together, had a quick breakfast of yogurt and a granola bar, and made their way to the café. They’d each ordered their usual drink and kissed goodbye when they had to separate.
It was nearing the end of the workday, and Amara still had a silly grin on her face she couldn’t wipe off. She’d managed to hide it from her father whenever he left his office, because she didn’t want him to think that the idea of leaving him – in that house alone, or to find a new admin – was something she was cheery about. Mark, however, had noticed. He even rolled his eyes with a playful smile.
“So, I take it things have gotten better?” he asked as they moved chairs into a room on the second floor of the administrative portion of the church.
“They’re on their way to getting better,” she replied.
“That’s good,” he said. “Your dad talked to me this morning. He said you’re moving out.”
“I want to,” she replied, moving another two chairs into place for the youth group meeting that night. “I don’t want to leave him; it’s not about that. I just need to be on my own.”
“I’m sure he understands.”
“Did he tell you that?”
“No.” Mark laughed. “He actually said the opposite. But I think that’s his initial reaction. He understands under all that.”
“I don’t know.”
Amara sat in one of the chairs. She more flopped than sat. Mark picked up on it and moved to sit next to her in one of the metal folding chairs.
“This is what you want, right? A new place? New job? New girlfriend?” His voice went up at the word girlfriend, as if he was trying it out.
“New place, new job, but same girlfriend.” She smiled at the guy. “
He doesn’t know about that part, though.”
“And you’re planning on keeping it from him?”
“At least for now. I don’t know about later.”
“But you want a life with this woman? A woman, if it’s not her, right?”
“Yes, I’m gay,” she replied. “It still sounds so strange saying it out loud.”
“I’m glad you told me.”
“Me too.” Amara placed her hand on his leg, squeezed it, and removed it. “Thank you for being such a good friend.”
“I’m here for you.” He stood. “I’d also like to meet this girlfriend sometime.”
“Yeah?”
“If she’s important to you, and you and I are friends, I think it would be nice for us to get to know one another. If your dad isn’t going to meet her for a while, I can make sure she’s good enough for you.” Mark winked.
“He’s met her, actually. He just thinks we’re friends,” she replied.
“Ah.” He moved another chair into place. “Well, that’ll be interesting when you do decide to tell him.”
Mark continued his movements while she sat still. She thought about his words just then; one in particular, at least.
“You said when.”
“Huh?” He gave her a questioning eyebrow.
“You said when I tell my father; you didn’t say if I tell my father.”
“Oh, Amara.” He stopped in place. “You’ll tell him one day. I don’t know when – that’s up to you – but you’ll tell him who you are and who you love. When you do, it’ll be because you’re ready to do so, and willing to accept the result.”
“Where the heck was this Mark when he and I were dating?” She laughed lightly and stood to continue her work. “That guy used to conspire with my father to tell me what was right for me.”
“Where was this Amara? The woman I used to date never spoke up for herself or told me what she wanted, and was not comfortable in her own skin,” he replied with a playful smile. “I like this version of you better, by the way.”
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