◆◆◆
“She’s funny,” Emma told Hillary.
“She is,” Hillary agreed.
Amara was sitting at a chair made for a child. She had headphones on her ears and was listening to the audio coming from a small screen where she was watching a blacksmith create a steel sword. She was so engrossed in it that she hadn’t observed half their group head outside to enjoy their drinks. Only Hillary and Emma had remained.
“It’s so funny, our obsession with this place,” Emma said and nodded toward her wife, signaling that she’d be joining her soon.
“What do you mean?” Hillary turned away from Amara to ask.
“It all started with the four of you: Keira, Kellan, you, and Greene came here once a month. Then, I joined when Keira and I fell in love. Greene met Joanna, and now she’s here with us. Kellan and Reese would’ve probably been here tonight if they lived here. Now, you’ve met Amara, and this is your first visit here as a couple. It’s like a thing that connects us all.”
“I guess I hadn’t thought about that.” Hillary smiled and returned her eyes to Amara, who had an expression that told Hillary she was more than enjoying herself. “She’s cute.”
“She’s that, too.” Emma laughed. “I’m going outside. See you out there?”
“Yeah,” Hillary said.
Amara continued to engross herself in another video as it played. This one was about making a horseshoe, from what Hillary could tell. Amara was smiling. She moved closer to the small screen to see more. Hillary sat next to her on an empty chair, turning it to face her girlfriend. She tapped Amara on the shoulder. Amara turned to her, dropped the headphones in her lap, and smiled.
“Did you say something?” she asked.
“I love you,” Hillary told her.
“Oh.” Amara lifted both eyebrows. “I love you, too. Is everything okay?” She hung the headphones on the stand in front of her and looked around. “Where is everyone?”
Hillary leaned in, captured her lips, and held their attention with a soft, slow kiss. Her hand went behind Amara’s neck, where it played with the short hairs at its base. Amara had worn her hair down again. It was Hillary’s favorite look on her. Hillary allowed their kiss to progress until she heard a throat clearing from behind them. They parted, and she found a woman standing there with her young son. Both of them stood immediately. They held onto each other’s hand and laughed as they made their way outside, where Hillary held them back from joining their friends.
“You fit, Amara,” she said as she held onto Amara’s hips.
“What?” Amara smiled at her.
“You fit. You fit me. We fit,” she said. “But you fit in with this group of weirdos, too.” She motioned to her friends. “You just spent twenty minutes watching videos in a science museum, like a nerd. We’re all nerds, too.” She pointed at Greene. “She’s the biggest nerd of all of us, though.”
“She is?” Amara wrapped her arms around Hillary. “You seem pretty nerdy yourself there.”
“Yeah?”
“You spent part of last night telling me about how personality types impact learning and then started talking about the next comic book movie coming out and how it’s going to be worse than the last. Doesn’t Greene just play the violin?”
“Speaking of which, we can get tickets to see her at the symphony whenever you want.”
“Sounds like a date.” Amara kissed her.
“Okay. Let’s go, you two,” Greene yelled over at them from her spot overlooking the water. “Stop making out in public.”
“You know what?” Hillary said. “I had to put up with all of you making out with your partners when you started going out. So, if I want to make out with mine in public, I will, damn it.” She pulled Amara back into herself and kissed her deeply.
Amara kissed Hillary back, pulling her even closer. They both reveled in the kiss while their friends looked on. Hillary was so elated to have someone to share her life with, to not feel so lonely, to realize that she could have someone like Amara, who loved her for exactly who she was, and to finally feel complete.
“Amara?”
Amara pulled back first. Hillary followed suit, though. She recognized the voice before she even had to turn to see if she was right. But even if she hadn’t, by Amara’s pale skin turning ghostly white, and her eyes being wide and terrified in front of her, she would have known that Amara’s father had just witnessed them kissing.
CHAPTER 40
“Amara, what did I…” he started. “Hillary?”
“Dad, I–” Amara looked at Hillary, her eyes not leaving hers as she tried to get the words out. “I–”
“You were kissing,” he said.
Hillary released Amara and turned to address her girlfriend’s father, “Hello, Mr. Simmons,” she greeted casually, as if she hadn’t just been making out with the man’s daughter in public. “Nice to see you again.”
“You were–” He pointed at her and then at Amara.
There was a woman standing next to him that Amara recognized from church.
“Miss Gray?” she asked because no other words were coming to mind.
“Hello,” Miss Gray replied but said nothing else.
“Dad, why are you here?” Amara finally got out. “You were supposed to be running the youth group tonight.”
“Mark is taking care of it for me. Jennifer invited me out tonight.” He cleared his throat, met Hillary’s gaze, and then returned his eyes to Amara. “You were kissing her, Amara.”
“Dad, can we go inside, please?” Amara asked.
“You were–”
“Inside, Dad. Please.”
“Hey, Hill. We’re going to go, unless you want us to stay.” Keira approached from behind Hillary and touched her elbow.
“It’s okay,” Hillary told her. “I’ll call you guys later.”
“Are you sure?” Greene asked and gave Amara’s dad a side-eye.
“We’ll be okay,” Hillary replied.
The four women gave Amara a sympathetic look in turn before they departed via the outdoor walk to get to the parking lot where they’d left their cars. Amara turned and followed her father and Miss Gray into the museum proper, but off to the side of an exhibit that no one, apparently, had any interest in. Hillary followed close behind.
Amara’s heart was racing. Her breath was coming in short bursts. Her eyes were stinging with unshed tears. This was not how she wanted her father to find out. And she hadn’t even been sure she ever wanted him to know. She was just starting to understand this part of herself. She had only started taking steps to get the life she wanted. She didn’t know what to do. She didn’t know what to say.
“I should probably give you a moment.”
Miss Gray didn’t wait for a response. She moved away from the three of them toward another exhibit. Amara was at least grateful for that; she didn’t want a near stranger to be privy to this conversation that she hadn’t had time to prepare for.
“Dad, I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to find out this way.”
“I’m sorry. Hillary, can you please let us–”
“Dad, I want her to stay,” Amara insisted.
“I can give you a minute,” Hillary offered.
Amara glared at her. Hillary understood instantly and nodded.
“Dad, Hillary is my girlfriend,” she said, gulped, nearly cried, and then somehow regained her composure to meet his eye. “We’re dating.”
“Amara, she’s a woman. You can’t date a woman.”
“Yes, I can,” she said. “I am.”
“Is this because of that Daisy woman who knew your mother? You spent time with her, started asking all those questions, and suddenly you think you’re… like this.” He waggled his finger between the two of them accusingly.
“No,” she replied with as much confidence as she could muster. “Dad, I’ve been like this my whole life. I was born like this. I didn’t choose it, like you seem to think people do.” She inhaled deeply an
d tried to ignore his questioning stare. “I’m gay, Dad.”
Hillary’s hand was on her back then. Just her hand, barely applying any pressure, was enough to give Amara the strength to continue.
“Amara, don’t say that,” her father said.
“I’m gay,” she repeated. “I am attracted to women. I love Hillary, Dad.” She met Hillary’s worried eyes with the largest smile she could produce. “She loves me.”
Hillary nodded at her and smiled back with a lot more determination than Amara had.
“But you dated Mark and that other boy.”
“I did that because I thought I had to, Dad. I dated men because it was what you wanted for me. It was what you teach in services. I didn’t think I’d ever have the courage to be who I really am,” she explained. “Hillary and I haven’t been together long, but we’ve been running into each other in the city for over a year. It feels like it was supposed to happen: I was supposed to meet her, fall in love, and be happy.”
“Happy? Amara, this can’t make you happy. This isn’t right, sweetheart.”
Amara felt the tears begin to trickle down her cheeks. She was unable to stop them before they fell to the floor.
“I would be happy if you accepted me,” she returned. “For all that I am, Dad. For being a woman that loves another woman; for being a woman who is finally going after the things I want in life.”
“Honey, I don’t think I can–” He stopped himself. “You were hiding this from me.”
“You’re here with Miss Gray. You were hiding that from me,” she countered.
“It’s our first date, Amara. Jennifer and I…” He waved her off. “This isn’t about me; this is about what you’re doing. I don’t think I can accept this.”
“Mr. Simmons, I don’t want to interrupt, but this is a lot to take in all at once,” Hillary began. “Maybe you can take some time to think about it, to try to digest it before you say or do something you’ll regret.”
“Regret?” Amara’s father glared somewhat coldly at Hillary. “Right now, I regret allowing my daughter to meet you, allowing her to spend time with that woman who told her–”
“I’m an adult; you don’t allow me to do anything,” Amara replied with anger seeping into her tone. “You can say anything you want to me, Dad, but you cannot talk to Hillary that way. I’ll leave right now.”
“You may be an adult, but you’re acting like a child.” His voice raised in volume. “Amara, I worry for you – for your faith, for your actions preventing you from being invited into God’s kingdom.”
“Dad, do you love me?” Amara asked and allowed another tear to fall.
He didn’t answer right away. That nearly killed her.
“Yes,” he said. “But I don’t know that I can continue to support you if this is how you choose to live your life.”
“Support me in what way? You can’t love me anymore?”
“I will always love you; you are my daughter,” the man stated confidently. “But I can’t support you in this. I think it’s good you’re looking for another job and another place to live.”
“You’re kicking me out? Firing me?”
“No, but you should speed up your search and find something as soon as possible. And since it is technically my house, and my church, I would appreciate it if you and… Hillary do not engage in any type of physical activity on either property.”
“Are you serious?” Amara laughed lightly. “You’re basically telling me I better find something fast or lose both my job and my home; and that since you’re being so kind as to let me keep them, temporarily, I can’t see my girlfriend on your property?”
“Amara, I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” He looked around, his head on a swivel. “You’ve already made a scene by kissing a woman in public. Now, you’re arguing with your father.”
“You’re right, Dad. It’s time for us to go.” Amara took Hillary’s hand in defiance, allowing herself another necessary deep breath, and said, “Dad, everything you’ve ever told me you wanted for me is within my grasp right now. I am finding my purpose. I have found someone that loves me and supports me. I will be happy. I hope one day you find it in your heart to be understanding. I hope that if that day comes, I am able to understand your reaction to me today and forgive you for it.”
She turned, Hillary in tow, and moved away from the exhibit. Her heart was racing even faster than before. Her eyes were blurry with unshed tears. Hillary’s strong hand was the only thing keeping her upright as the woman guided her out of the museum and into the fresh air. She burst into tears as soon as they were outside. Hillary had her in her arms, embracing her, pulling her into herself completely.
“I am so proud of you. No matter what happens, what you did tonight was so brave. I love you so much.”
“I can’t go home, Hillary.”
“You are home,” Hillary stated. “I’ll be your home. I love you.”
“What if he never–”
“It’ll be okay.” Hillary ran her hands up and down Amara’s back, soothing her just by that simple touch. “No matter what, it’ll be okay. You’ll be okay. I promise, Amara. You will be more than okay.” She pulled back to meet Amara’s eyes. “Honey, you’ll be happy.”
◆◆◆
As Hillary watched Amara sleep next to her, she noticed the slight bags under her eyes and the red blotches that now marked the woman’s otherwise perfect skin. She hated that Amara’s father had seen them like that. It was the last thing she’d wanted but also the last thing she’d expected. As soon as she’d made eye contact with him, though, she’d known it was not going to go well. It lit a fire in her, watching him react that way. She wanted to punch him in the face. She wanted to scream at him for being so ignorant and intolerant. She would have likely done both, too, but this was Amara’s battle to fight for herself. She’d had men telling her what to do her whole life. She was finally getting out on her own and expressing what she wanted. Hillary loved her for that. She hated that Amara had to go through that tonight. She wished there was something she could do, but she’d have to settle for being Amara’s support system, for loving her and allowing her to be exactly who she was meant to be all along. Hillary watched her sleep for several more minutes, sliding her own fingertips gently across the woman’s face. She’d watched her girlfriend cry herself to sleep tonight, and if she had anything to say about it, that would be the last time that would ever happen.
CHAPTER 41
“Hillary?”
“Hello, Mr. Simmons,” she greeted him solemnly.
“What are you doing here?” he questioned.
“Amara gave me her key and asked me to move some of her stuff.”
He lowered his head and shook it from side to side. They were standing by the pool. He’d caught her on the way to the pool house. She’d tried not to be noticed and failed. It was Saturday morning. Amara had been staying with her since Thursday night. She hadn’t gone to the church to work on Friday. She had run out of clothes and had her toiletry items still at the pool house. She hadn’t been able to make the trip herself. Hillary had offered. She’d brought a couple of empty boxes and planned to load what she could along with one of her own suitcases with as many of Amara’s clothes as possible.
“I told her she could still live here until she found a place.”
“I don’t want to speak for her. You two should probably talk.” She went to walk around him. “Excuse me.”
“Hillary, she’s my daughter.” He turned around to see her head toward the pool house door. “I love my child, but I see her following a dangerous path.”
“I’m not the right person to talk to about this.” She placed the boxes she was carrying on the ground. She’d been rolling her large suitcase as well and let go of the handle to unlock the door. “And not just because I’m not Amara.”
“What do you mean?”
He moved a little closer to her but left enough room between them so she didn’t feel uncomfortable.
“Just that if you think that about her, you probably think that about me, too. I’ve been on your so-called dangerous path for years now.” She turned back around to him. “I’m bisexual. Your daughter is gay. We love each other. There’s nothing wrong with that. In fact, it’s the only thing that’s ever felt this right in my entire life. I saw her from across a room over a year ago and knew something without knowing it. You loved Amara’s mother. She was the love of your life, right? That’s why you haven’t been with anyone since then.”
“Of course, but we’re not talking about–”
“She was the person you looked forward to seeing most at the end of the day. She was the person you couldn’t stand to see cry or be in any kind of pain. She was the person that made you laugh more than anyone else in the world. She was the most beautiful person you’d ever seen. She was the only thing that made complete sense to you in your life.”
“She was,” the man said with sadness in his eyes.
“That’s Amara to me.” Hillary shrugged. “I had to watch her cry herself to sleep the other night, and before you saw us there, we’d been having the most amazing night. She was spending time with my friends, making them her friends, too. We were laughing and planning the next time we’d all get to see each other. When we got home that night, I could barely get her to stop sobbing long enough to get her to sleep. Do you know what it’s like to watch the woman you love cry like that? You can’t do anything about it. You just have to hold her and tell her it will be okay.”
“My faith tells me what you two are doing is wrong in the eyes of God.”
“Doesn’t your faith also believe in God’s grace?”
“Of course,” he replied.
“And doesn’t God’s grace provide humanity with free will to make their own decisions?”
“Yes, but–
“But Amara is who God made her. She’s tried to be anything other than who she was, and she wasn’t happy. God made her this way. He’s provided, according to your faith, the free will for us all to be who we were meant to be and to make decisions about our lives. Amara is gay. You can’t change that about her. You shouldn’t want to, because it’s a part of who she is, and she is amazing. She is kind and supportive. She is smart and funny. She has dreams that fall outside your church. She also loves you. You’re her father, and she loves you. This was not how she wanted you to find out about us or her, but it happened, and she’s trying to deal with it.” Hillary pushed open the door. “If I were you, I would think long and hard about what kind of involvement you want to have in your daughter’s life, because she can’t go back to how it was before.”
San Francisco Series- Complete Edition Page 89