“Oh,” Hillary said and still stared at Caroline in confusion. “So, just stopping by to say hello?”
“Basically.” Caroline stood there with her hands folded in front of her and with her bag hanging over her shoulder. “Are you busy?”
“Prepping for my class. It’s in twenty minutes,” Hillary replied.
“Right,” Caroline said. “I guess I was also kind of hoping you were still okay going to the session with me,” she added. “It’s tomorrow. The way we left it, I wasn’t 100% sure you’d be there.”
Hillary leaned back in her seat, placing her hands on the arms of her chair.
“Can I ask you what’s going to happen if I do? I don’t know how this is supposed to work.”
“I don’t know either. I think we just talk.”
“But about what? I don’t want to rail on you for an hour about how you treated me. I don’t want to risk your recovery because of it.”
“Do you need to rail on me for an hour?” the woman asked with a lifted eyebrow.
Hillary sighed, leaned forward again, and replied, “Yes.”
“Oh.” Caroline moved to sit. “I guess I deserve it.”
“You’ve been sober for a year. I worry that if I do this with you, you might relapse. I don’t want that for you.”
“Me neither.” Caroline shrugged off her bag. “Listen, I asked you to come because I thought it would be good for both of us to get things off our chests.”
“But what do you need to get off your chest that you haven’t already?” Hillary asked and felt justified in doing so. “Caroline, you said you were sorry. I’ve accepted your apology. I’m working on trying to forgive you. On the surface, I have. I’ve moved past how hurt I was back then, but I’m still working through things, too.” She paused. “I guess I’d like to know what else you need to talk about. From my perspective, it would be me doing most of the talking and you apologizing, but you’ve already done that. I can get my talking out at Al-Anon meetings.”
“You’re not entirely blameless for what happened, though, Hill.”
Hillary watched the expression on her face tighten. The softness she’d seen in Caroline from the moment she’d returned had disappeared. Her hands were clenched together. Her eyes were sharp.
“What are you talking about?”
“You made mistakes, too,” Caroline said.
“Of course, I did. I’m not perfect. I never claimed to be. But I also didn’t treat you like absolute shit because I had a drinking problem I didn’t want to admit.”
“I don’t want to get into this now.” The woman stood. “That’s what the session is supposed to be for.”
“No, Caroline. If you have something to say to me, say it.” Hillary stood so as not to appear small.
“I didn’t have a problem with alcohol until I met you,” she said in a much louder tone.
Hillary didn’t say anything for a moment. She lowered her head, shook it, and gave herself enough time to make sure that what she was about to say next would come out just the way she wanted.
“I made the right decision,” Hillary finally said.
“What are you talking about?” Caroline spat out. “Are you coming to the session or not?”
“Caroline, I don’t want to know you anymore.” Hillary nodded as she said the words. “I am not responsible for you being an alcoholic no matter when the problem started. I don’t want you to start again. I hope you don’t, but I have to protect myself now, which is something I never did before.” She paused, and when Caroline started to say something, Hillary held out her hand to stop her. “This is over now. You seem to think I’m the cause of your problem. I won’t sit with a therapist and listen to you blame me.” She chuckled. “You almost had me fooled there. I actually considered going, because I thought you’d changed. You may not be drinking, but you are at your core someone who struggles taking ownership of her own actions.”
“Hill, come on.” The woman softened instantly. “Let’s just talk tomorrow with the therapist. We can get tools to figure out how to navigate this.”
“I don’t want to navigate it,” Hillary said.
“I thought we were going to work on being friends.”
“No.” Hillary shook her head.
“That simple? No? We’ve known each other for nearly a decade. You’re just going to throw that away?”
“Yes.”
“These one-word answers are bullshit,” Caroline spat.
“I don’t care.” Hillary sighed and felt an enormous weight lift from her body. “I’m done. You need to go.”
“Fine. I’ll go. This isn’t done, though, Hill. You’ll call me one day. We broke up once before, and you called me; begged me to take you back.”
Hillary picked up her phone, unlocked it, went to the contacts, found Caroline’s listing, and turned the phone so Caroline could see it. She then deleted the contact and tossed her phone back on her desk.
“Not this time.”
Caroline seethed. For a second, Hillary worried that the woman might leave the office and find the closest bar. She honestly didn’t want to cause her to relapse, but she didn’t control Caroline. She wasn’t responsible for the woman’s actions. She had to protect herself. She had to move forward.
CHAPTER 43
“Hey, you ready?” Amara asked Hillary when she entered her office. Hillary wasn’t working. She was staring out the small window behind her desk. She appeared to be deep in thought about something. “Hill?”
“Hey.” Hillary turned. “Sorry.”
“Are you okay?” Amara asked, entered, and leaned on the side of Hillary’s desk.
“Yeah, I am.” The woman smiled up at her. “How was your class?”
“I think I figured out what I want to do.”
“With the class, next semester?”
“With my life,” she said. “For my career.”
“From one class?” Hillary lifted her eyebrows. “Who’s the professor? I might need to pick up some tips.”
“It’s not even the class,” she replied. “I figured it out the other night, in the Al-Anon meeting, when we were talking about what happened with my dad. I looked around and realized there was this support system for you in those meetings. I know there are groups for people who are gay or people who love people that are gay. I think I want to counsel teenagers; maybe ones that are gay or struggling with it… I don’t know. It just hit me though, that I might be able to help people like me. I was never brave enough back then, but I never had a group of friends like you have or the chance to find a meeting like that. Maybe I can help people by being that for them. Maybe I can let them know that it’s okay.”
Hillary stood then. Amara moved away from her desk. Hillary wrapped her arms around her neck and hugged her hard. Amara hugged her back. They stood like that for a long moment before Hillary pulled back, kissed her sweetly on the lips, and gave her a broad smile.
“I think that sounds like an amazing plan,” she said.
“It’ll mean a lot more school,” Amara replied. “I basically have to start over.”
“If it’s what you want, you should.”
“I still have so much to figure out.” She pulled back and looked out the window. “What were you doing when I came in? You looked lost in thought.”
“Long story. Can I tell you on the way to dinner?”
“Sure.”
“And I might catch a meeting after.”
“Yeah?” Amara asked with surprise in her voice that she’d done a terrible job at hiding. “Want me to join?”
“I think I’ll do this one on my own.”
◆◆◆
Amara checked her email on her phone every five minutes the next morning. She opened her computer and checked it there, too, just in case. For some reason, her phone wasn’t getting her emails. She was still waiting to hear back from the leasing office on the apartment. She searched the apartment listings for anything new, to be safe, made herself some lunch, and
worked on some homework for her current classes.
She’d emailed Mark that morning with her resignation letter. She’d already gotten two calls from him and one from her father. She’d returned Mark’s calls, told him that she wasn’t changing her mind and that she’d see him around sometime, but not likely at church. She’d texted her father back that if it was about the job, there was nothing to talk about, but that if he ever wanted to talk about everything else, she was willing to do so. He’d yet to respond, which was unsurprising.
She checked her email for the thousandth time. Finally, she had results. She gulped as she opened the email. The subject conveyed no indication of approval or of being declined, but the body of the email had the word ‘approved’ in it along with instructions on what to do next. Amara raised her arms in the air in triumph. She read the instructions and then had to reread them, because she hadn’t retained anything through her excitement. She could sign the lease whenever she was ready. She could move in next Monday if she wanted. Amara did the mental math. She had more than enough in the bank to cover the upfront expenses. She had no furniture she planned to bring from one place to the other, but she would need to set some money aside for new furniture. It would be low-end and cheap, but it would be a start.
She readied herself and made the walk to the leasing office as soon as she could. She’d texted Hillary the good news, but her girlfriend was in class. She entered the office with a wide grin on her face, spoke with the agent to get the additional details, and made plans for her move. She made a trip to the bank to get the cashier’s check required to reserve the unit, walked back to the office, and handed it in. By that time, her excitement had worn off, and she was exhausted.
When she left the office, she saw her favorite coffee shop across the street. She smiled at the thought of being able to go there more often. She pictured Hillary staying over. They’d grab coffee together in the morning, kiss goodbye on the street, and part ways. She ordered her usual, moved to the one empty table and sat down. She considered her life, her decisions, the results of those decisions. She stared off into space at nothing in particular. Then, she noticed someone familiar behind the counter. She made no attempt to talk to her. She appeared to be talking to another woman Amara normally saw at the shop. She was either the manager or the owner. The woman noticed her, though. She gave her a smile and made her way over to the table.
“You’re Amara, right?”
“How’d you know that?”
“I’m Lucy. I’m friends with Hillary.”
She left out the fact that she and Hillary had briefly dated.
“Oh, nice to meet you.” Amara held out her hand, which Lucy took and shook.
“How is she? You two are together, right? That’s the vibe I got from the text she sent me last week with about ten heart-eyes smiley emoji faces.” The woman laughed.
“She texted you that?” Amara smiled.
“She did.” Lucy smiled back. “I haven’t seen her in a while, though. I guess that’s because you two have been busy.” She winked.
“To say the least.” Amara sidestepped the obvious innuendo to their sex life. “I’m actually about to move. Hillary’s been helping me with that, along with everything else she has going on. Now, if I could just line up a new job, things could probably die down.”
“What kind of job are you looking for?” Lucy sat down across from her.
“Anything, really. I’ve been applying for admin jobs, mostly. I’ve been, basically, a receptionist, office manager, and jack-of-all-trades for my dad since I was a kid.”
“Any interest in coffee?” Lucy asked.
“What?”
Lucy pointed to the woman behind the counter.
“That’s my sister; she owns this place. She’s looking for an Assistant Manager. She started interviewing last week.”
“I’ve never worked at a café before,” Amara replied but leaned in and pushed her cup to the side to learn more. “I assume she’d be looking for someone with more experience.”
“Her last assistant just quit on her; I think she’s willing to at least interview just about anyone. I have no idea how much it pays or if it matches what you’d want.”
“I guess I could at least apply. I’ll be moving right across the street; it would be convenient. I’m in school part-time now. Do you think she’d have a problem with that?”
“Hey, sis?” Lucy half-yelled and looked over her shoulder. “Can you come over here for a second?”
“What’s up?” The woman asked when she arrived at their table.
“Do you care if your Assistant Manager goes to school part-time?” Lucy asked.
“No.”
“Well, Trish, this is Amara. Amara, this is my sister, Trish.” She motioned to each of them with an open hand.
“Hi, Amara,” Trish greeted with a smile.
“Amara is looking for a job. I mentioned to her that you were looking for an Assistant Manager.”
“You’re interested? I need someone yesterday.” Trish sat down next to Lucy.
“Okay. Well, here’s where I’ll leave you.” Lucy stood. “I have an appointment, and you two have an interview, I think. Amara, it was nice to officially meet you. Tell your girlfriend we should all hang out sometime.”
“Sure. Okay,” Amara said.
“Bye, sis.” Lucy squeezed Trish’s shoulder, turned, and left the café.
“So, are you really interested or did my sister just talk you into this? She’s good at that,” Trish asked.
“I mentioned I was looking for a job, but I don’t know if I’m what you’re looking for. I’ve had one job my whole life, and it was as an admin in an office. The only coffee I’ve made is at home or at that office.”
“Coffee we can teach.” Trish smiled. “So, you’re not currently employed?”
“I just quit my last job,” Amara answered and hoped Trish wouldn’t ask for details.
“So, you’re available now?” she asked. “Have a resume I could look at?”
“At my girlfriend’s apartment,” she said. “On my laptop. I didn’t expect an interview. I came for the coffee.”
She tried not to think about the fact that she was wearing jeans and a t-shirt, had not put on makeup that day, and had just pulled her hair back into a messy ponytail in her excitement to get to the leasing office.
“Well, as usual, my sister got a little ahead of herself.” Trish laughed lightly. “If you’re interested in the job, though, you can apply online. We can set up an actual interview we’re both prepared for.”
“That would be great.”
“If you’re willing to work early, it’s a good job. I don’t pay well for San Francisco, but I pay well everywhere else.” She laughed at herself. “We have benefits, too. Nothing fancy, but I opened the place about fifteen years ago – we do pretty well. If you’re still interested after reading the job description, let me know.”
“Okay. I will. Thanks.”
“And sorry about Lucy; my sister is a little gung-ho, sometimes.”
“She’s great. She’s friends with my girlfriend, Hillary.”
“Hillary? Comes-in-here-every-week Hillary?”
“Yes, that’s her.”
“So, after staring at each other forever, you two are finally together, huh?” Trish laughed again. “I never thought I’d see the day.”
“You noticed us?”
“She’s been coming in here for years. I noticed the two of you looking at each other every so often. I’m not always here when you guys are, but I’ve seen you.”
“I had no idea anyone else had noticed.”
“You guys were cute. I’m glad you finally hooked up. I’ve got to get back to it. Apply if you’re interested, and we’ll set something up.”
“Okay. I will. Thank you.”
CHAPTER 44
“Should I be worried?” Amara asked her.
“About?”
Hillary dropped the box she was helping Amara carry
into Amara’s new apartment. It was a dresser they would then have to put together. The apartment was mostly still empty. Amara had prioritized buying a new bed, since she didn’t want the old one from the pool house. She’d bought a sofa as well, but it hadn’t arrived yet. They’d just picked up the dresser. Other than that, there was no furniture in the place, but Amara seemed happy. That was all that mattered to Hillary.
“It’s been a couple of weeks since the Caroline thing, and you’ve gone to an Al-Anon meeting nearly every night,” Amara said.
She picked up her half-finished water bottle and took a long drink before passing it to Hillary to finish it off.
“Oh, that?” Hillary tossed the bottle toward the large, black trash bag they had open on the floor next to the kitchen. “No, I do this sometimes: I’ll go a while without going, and then I’ll change groups. When I find one I like, I go a lot in the beginning, but I’m feeling good.”
“You are?” Amara checked.
“I’m getting there,” Hillary replied honestly. She sat on the floor on one side of the box and began opening it. “It’s like… Whenever something like that happened , I used to go right back to where I started: I’d be that same person who was verbally abused by someone I thought loved me.” She paused. “Now, I’m not going all the way back to that anymore.” She helped Amara pull back the cardboard to get to the pieces of the dresser and slide them out one by one. “It’s like, with each time this has happened – with my mom time and again; with Caroline the first time; then after we got back together; then the second time, after the breakup; and now, after she came back and made me almost fall for her shit – I don’t go back as far. I’m at about 90% good right now.” She smiled at Amara, who was looking cute as she tried to decipher the picture instructions. “I’m on my way to 100%.”
San Francisco Series- Complete Edition Page 91