“I don’t know if I can support her in this,” he said but appeared to be struggling to get the words out.
“Then, you will miss out on us getting married one day. Someone else will have to walk her down the aisle. You’ll miss out on meeting your grandchildren, because we want to have kids one day. I’d love them to have a relationship with their grandparents.” She paused again. “Amara is who I’m supposed to be with. I hope I get to grow old with her and share my life with her. She’s an amazing woman you raised, Mr. Simmons.” Hillary took a few steps inside the door. “And I’d like to grab some of her things so I can go home to her.”
“This is her home,” he said from outside the pool house.
“Not anymore,” she replied with softness in her tone.
◆◆◆
Amara had spent much of the morning apologizing to Hillary for asking her to go to the pool house. She just didn’t think she could stand seeing her father so soon after Thursday night. When Hillary had left, Amara had turned to her laptop. She needed to speed up the search for a new job and apartment, because she wasn’t sure she’d be able to go to work on Monday. She couldn’t do without a paycheck either, though. She also didn’t want Hillary thinking she was planning to move her stuff in and stay here permanently.
She found a few places that could work, if she managed her money well, but she’d need the security deposit. Luckily, she also had some money saved up because she paid for only a few of her expenses. She’d be able to afford the deposit and the first month’s rent. It was after that, though, that had her worried. If she didn’t have an income, she wouldn’t be able to make ends meet. Three of the places she was interested in had one-year leases and were in the city. They also had leasing offices open on Saturdays.
“Thank you for doing this,” Amara said as she moved some of her items into the bathroom.
“I ran into your dad,” Hillary told her.
“Oh, yeah?”
“He loves you.”
“He still doesn’t want me there, though.” She lowered her head.
“You don’t want to be there anyway.” Hillary gave her a small smile. “You were planning to move out already.”
“What did you say to him?” she asked.
“Well, I told him that I didn’t speak for you.” She wrapped her arms around Amara’s neck. “That I love you. That you love me.” She pressed her forehead to Amara’s. “And that I hope you two find a way to work it out.”
“I hope so, too.” Amara held back the tears that had started to well. “I was thinking about checking out a few apartments today. Any chance I could convince you to join me?”
“Wouldn’t that mean you’d leave me here faster? No, I think I like having you around all the time.” Hillary kissed her and gave a teasing smile.
“Two of the apartments are only a few blocks away from here. I only searched for things within my price range that would also make it easy to get to you.” She kissed her again. “One of them is actually on the other side of the street from our favorite coffee spot.”
“Really?”
“Yes. It’s a fourth-floor walk-up, which isn’t ideal, but it’s a studio that was redone about ten years ago. It has parking and air conditioning, which is better than most I can afford.”
“Let’s check that one out last then. We can grab coffee on the way back here,” Hillary suggested. “I can make us dinner tonight.”
“That sounds perfect.” Amara kissed her girlfriend’s lips. “But I was thinking about how I’ve sort of taken over your life recently. We were going to go to an Al-Anon meeting together… And we did, technically, but I don’t think that one counted. I was wondering if you’d want to go to one tonight. There’s one a few blocks away. We could grab coffee, go to the meeting, and then come back here for that dinner.”
Hillary pulled back and stared at her. Amara wasn’t sure what to make of the look at first, but the woman’s eyes softened, and then she smiled.
“I think that would be great.”
“Then, let me just put this stuff out of the way, and we can go.” Amara kissed her once more.
◆◆◆
“When Caroline left, it was a punch to the gut,” Hillary began. “It needed to happen. I know that. I think I even knew it then, but it was still so hard. I wasn’t able to separate how she’d treated me with the fact that we’d grown to want different things. I could only hear her words over and over about how it was all my fault, how I was boring or ugly or not smart enough.”
Amara sat next to Hillary as the woman shared with the group of six Al-Anon participants. She couldn’t help but admire her girlfriend even more.
“You start to take their word for it,” an older woman with white hair and wrinkled hands clutched together in her lap, said.
“I did. For a long time after she left, I still believed her. I believed I wasn’t good enough for anyone, for myself,” Hillary continued.
Amara reached out and took Hillary’s hand.
“It took me a long time to get my head around it. I’d only just finished dealing with the same issues with my mother.” Hillary paused and looked down at their shared hands. “I started to work on myself then. I got to a point where I wasn’t thinking about it every day or even every week. I got to a good place. Recently, I started dating someone I’m very fond of.” She smiled a shy smile and nodded toward Amara. “She came with me tonight,” Hillary added. “And things are still new between us, but I am so happy. I’ve been so happy. I love my job, I love my friends, and I love my girlfriend.” She shook her head with a smile. “And then, all of a sudden, Caroline is back in my life. She comes into my office and tells me she’s back. She’s not only back, but she’s in the program, she’s making amends, and she wants me back.”
“That happens sometimes,” the facilitator, a man of about forty, said. “It’s important that we support people who seek help, but it can be difficult to forgive or contemplate letting them back into our lives when they’ve hurt us in the past.”
“Yes,” Hillary agreed. “She seems genuine in her apology. She’s been sober for over a year, goes to meetings, has eliminated a lot of the causes of her drinking, and seems to be getting her life together.”
“But you don’t trust her?” he asked.
“I don’t know her,” Hillary replied.
Amara felt Hillary squeeze her hand. She held onto her tighter.
“Talk about that,” he said.
“We were together for three years. Her drinking got worse over time, but she was always drinking when we were together. She’s never been sober to me before. I don’t know who she is anymore. I’m not 100% sure I want to, either.” She let go of Amara’s hand, slid both of her own over her jean-clad thighs, likely to get rid of some of the sweat, and took Amara’s hand back into her own. “She’s asked me to go to a therapy session with her. She’s assured me it’s not in an effort to get me back. She knows I’m with someone. She just thinks it would be good for us to talk with an objective person in the room. I agreed because it sounds like the only way I can get closure on how I still feel about it.”
“But now you’re reconsidering?” the facilitator asked.
“I’m thinking,” she said. “Caroline is my past. Amara is my future. I don’t want to do anything that would jeopardize what she and I have. I don’t want anything that happens in that session to impact our relationship.”
“You’re really worried about that?” Amara asked her.
“I guess, yeah.” She shrugged back to her.
“Hill, whatever happens won’t change us,” she replied. “I promise.”
“Doesn’t it bother you, though? That I’d be talking to a therapist with my ex-girlfriend?”
“It bothers me that you think it would cause problems with us,” she answered honestly. “I want you to do what you need to do to move on. I hate that she treated you that way. I basically want to kill her all the time. This really isn’t all that different than supportin
g me since my dad found out about us.”
She said it before she realized she’d just divulged part of her life to a room full of strangers, but once she really thought about it, it kind of felt good.
“You’d tell me if you didn’t want me to go, though, right?”
“Yes, I would. But just like you’ve let me find my own way recently, this is your way to find.” Amara smiled at her.
“It sounds like you have a good support system now, Hillary,” the facilitator spoke again.
“I do. I have an amazing support system. I’m very lucky.”
“How do you see that session going?” the old woman asked.
“If it would have been three years ago, I could see me sitting there, taking everything she said, and not standing up for myself. Today, I can see myself fighting back.”
“That’s good.”
“I don’t want to impact her recovery, though. What she’s doing is important.”
“I think you tell her that in the session,” he suggested. “Let her know it’s important but that your own health won’t continue to take a back seat.”
Hillary let that sink in for a moment before she motioned to one of the other participants and they began sharing their story.
“I love you,” Amara whispered in her ear. “And I am so proud of you.”
Amara did her best to echo Hillary’s support the other night and every moment since. Hillary smiled but didn’t look at her. She kept her eye on the woman who’d started sharing. Amara knew then that they’d come back to these meetings every so often to check in, but she also knew something else, too. She knew what she wanted to do with her life now.
CHAPTER 42
“Where’s Amara today? I thought she might join us for lunch,” Keira said.
“She’s actually going to see an apartment she likes for a second time before she makes the final decision,” Hillary replied.
“Hey, lunch not here yet?” Joanna asked as she entered Keira’s office and sat next to Hillary on the small sofa. “Where’s Amara?”
“Is it just expected that since we’re dating now, we’ll always go places together?” Hillary tossed back.
“Didn’t you used to give us crap about that all the time when I started dating Emma and Joanna started dating Greene?” Keira asked.
“Fair enough,” she returned, defeated.
“So, she’s found an apartment she really likes?” Keira asked.
“We saw it on Saturday. She just wanted to make sure it was what she wanted. She’s never apartment-shopped before.”
“God, I remember trying to find my first apartment on my own,” Joanna began. “I ended up in a pre-war building that hadn’t been updated since the soldiers came back from fighting the Nazis. I hadn’t known what questions to ask. My apartment had no air conditioning, had outlets with only two prongs, because that was how they made them back then, and the laundry room had only two machines for forty people.”
“I went with her this weekend. I double-checked everything,” Hillary explained. “It’s a nice place. It’s small, but it’s good just for her.”
“So, no chance of her moving in with you?” Keira asked.
“We’ve been dating for like a month,” Hillary said. “And even if we’d been together longer, this is an important step for everyone to go through. It’s her first place. I want her to have it. It’s also pretty close to my place.”
“Well, that works out well.” Joanna smiled at her.
“So, about this birthday party you wanted to plan… Is that still on? I know things aren’t exactly good for her right now, with what happened last Thursday,” Keira said. “I’m happy to help however I can. I’ll also back off completely.”
“Thanks. I don’t know. Honestly, I want to. I think now, more than ever, she could use a party to show that there are people in her corner. I even called Kellan on Sunday to see if she and Reese could make the trip. She said she could if it was on a Saturday.”
“How about two weeks from now?” Keira asked. “I don’t have any event I need to be at that night. Emma and I would be able to come.”
“Macon and I are free,” Joanna said.
Hillary always thought it was funny that Joanna was the only person that used her girlfriend’s first name.
“I don’t know. I guess it depends on what happens with her apartment. She might be moving that weekend. She’s looking for jobs right now. She hasn’t gone back to the church since Thursday. I don’t think her dad is actually going to cut her off. I wouldn’t be surprised if he just pays her until she finds something else. But I also don’t think she’ll take the money if he does.”
“It’s a shame,” Joanna said.
“Hey, is the food here yet?” Greene came into the office with her violin case over her shoulder. “Hi, babe.”
Greene leaned down and kissed her girlfriend.
“No, it’s not here yet,” Keira stated. “Our group is getting too large to eat in my office.”
“What are we talking about then?” Greene asked as she pulled up a chair.
“Amara’s birthday.”
“Oh, are we still having a party?”
“I don’t know,” Hillary said. “I guess I’ll know more when I talk to her about the apartment.”
“Keep us posted, okay? I’ll keep that Saturday free just in case,” Keira said.
“What Saturday?” Greene asked.
“We’re free,” Joanna said.
“Oh, okay.” Greene nodded.
Hillary’s phone rang. She looked down at the screen to see Amara’s name, smiled, picked it up, and left the office.
“She’s whipped.” Keira chuckled.
“Hey, babe,” Hillary answered the call. “How’s the apartment?”
“Are you still at lunch with Keira?” Amara asked.
“Yeah, I’m at her–” She stopped herself when she saw Amara exiting the elevator. “Standing about twenty feet in front of you.” She hung up the phone.
“Hey, sorry. I know you were having lunch, but I just got excited and couldn’t wait to see you,” Amara said as she approached and kissed her.
“Excited?”
“I got it,” she said. “I signed the lease. I mean, technically, I signed the application, and they’ll run it first. But if I’m approved, it’s mine, and I’ll sign a lease then.”
“That’s great, babe.” Hillary reached her arms around Amara and hugged her. “Congratulations!”
“I’m trying not to be too excited, though. There’s still a chance I won’t get it. The only credit I have is because the car is in my name. My dad paid for it, technically, since he didn’t want me taking public transportation – which he thinks is unreliable, but it’s in my name. I don’t have any credit cards because I’ve never needed them. He pays for school, so I haven’t taken out loans. I don’t know if they’ll think that’s okay. She did ask me if I would be interested in getting a co-signer. Should I have done that? My dad is the only person I could ask, and–”
“Babe,” Hillary interrupted with a chuckle. “If they say you need a co-signer, I’ll do it. Don’t worry about that now. Let’s see what she says. When will you find out?”
“By tomorrow at the latest,” she said. “You sure? That’s kind of a big deal? Co-signing for someone.”
“Food’s here.” Keira came up behind her, walked immediately past her and toward the delivery man who was carrying in several bags of food. “Hi, Amara.”
“Hi,” Amara greeted without looking away from Hillary. “Can I come to campus with you after lunch?”
“You want to audit again?”
“Can you help?” Keira asked and handed Hillary one of the bags without waiting for a response. “Amara, I ordered everything. Join us.”
“I guess we’re eating now.” Hillary chuckled. “And yes, you can come to campus with me.”
“I want to audit, yes, but not one of your classes,” Amara said as they walked toward Keira’s office.
“There’s a class I might be interested in taking next semester. I thought I’d sit in on it to see if I like it.”
“What class?” Hillary asked.
“I’m starving, and I have to get to a shoot in, like, thirty minutes,” Joanna commented when they entered the room.
Greene and Joanna sat next to one another on the floor while Amara and Hillary took the sofa. Keira took the chair. They ate as they talked about their weeks, their plans for the weekends, and other unimportant topics. All the while, Hillary kept an eye on Amara. Her girlfriend appeared to be relatively happy. She was smiling as she ate, participating in the conversation and giving Hillary light caresses to her thigh, her back, and her neck periodically.
They left their friends after lunch and drove to campus together. Hillary had listened to Amara talk during the entirety of the short drive about how she might decorate her new apartment. She loved how excited Amara was at the prospect of taking these steps in her life. When they parted, Amara went to whatever class she was planning on auditing. Hillary went to her office to prep for her next lecture.
“Hey, Hill.” Caroline entered through the open door.
“Caroline?” Hillary looked up confused. “Did we have a plan to meet up?”
“No.” Caroline stood behind the chairs in front of Hillary’s desk. “I was here for something else.” She then held up her hands. “I promise, I’m not stalking you.” The woman smiled awkwardly. “I was consulting with one of the women in admissions on how they structure their financial assistance plans for students.”
San Francisco Series- Complete Edition Page 90